(no subject)
I never learned how to take things lightly. There's this strong grip on making sure the world balances itself with some sort of justice; some invisible force that protects people from unfair hurt and pain; maybe it's an overarching narrative of the way things really are and were, and somehow it follows a rise and fall of order and symmetry. I'm sure that were there this narrative, it would not be my own. My thesis was all about the impossibility of a singular narrative, and somehow, i found this to be beautiful in literature. Like literature was a chorus of thousands of different voices all telling their own story. However, with that, comes twists and turns, and I guess I didn't realize how one narrative can so horribly destroy or assail another.
I don't really understand why months and months later just one little song can still cause tears to stream down my face. I wish that I could say I was healed, but my heart still hurts, and it still sinks down in my chest and hides. Part of my self-esteem has just check-out, and I wish I knew where it went so I could find it. It's like all the things I once prized in myself have some how been swallowed up into a hole. And then songs like, "Nothing Better" remind me perfectly that I need to "stop feeling sorry for myself...walk away and let [things] go." But then my idealism, the deep optimism that most people don't realize I had deep under cynicism and criticism, chokes on itself and thinks that maybe things can be better and I can save what once was.
Opening up and trusting someone again is going to be very hard. And I guess a flaw in that very statement may be that perhaps I never even truly did trust Steven and, more importantly, myself during our relationship. I doubted myself, and I was worried that I would just be crushed and broken. Self-fulfilling prophecies are a bitch...
I want to get on a plane with a suitcase and just leave. I don't want to face the people here anymore. I feel like I can't grow up and heal when I'm surrounded by constant signs and memories of my failures. Deep down, I don't blame anyone, perhaps not even myself, especially not others, and I wish I were better at letting this come through. All I really would change is the judgment. I'm not quite sure why, but I feel like everyone here is so incredibly judgmental of me, my life, my behaviors and my actions.
Though rubble, I can't seem to let go. Beautiful failures add up one by one, and maybe they make the people we are. I won't break.
I don't really understand why months and months later just one little song can still cause tears to stream down my face. I wish that I could say I was healed, but my heart still hurts, and it still sinks down in my chest and hides. Part of my self-esteem has just check-out, and I wish I knew where it went so I could find it. It's like all the things I once prized in myself have some how been swallowed up into a hole. And then songs like, "Nothing Better" remind me perfectly that I need to "stop feeling sorry for myself...walk away and let [things] go." But then my idealism, the deep optimism that most people don't realize I had deep under cynicism and criticism, chokes on itself and thinks that maybe things can be better and I can save what once was.
Opening up and trusting someone again is going to be very hard. And I guess a flaw in that very statement may be that perhaps I never even truly did trust Steven and, more importantly, myself during our relationship. I doubted myself, and I was worried that I would just be crushed and broken. Self-fulfilling prophecies are a bitch...
I want to get on a plane with a suitcase and just leave. I don't want to face the people here anymore. I feel like I can't grow up and heal when I'm surrounded by constant signs and memories of my failures. Deep down, I don't blame anyone, perhaps not even myself, especially not others, and I wish I were better at letting this come through. All I really would change is the judgment. I'm not quite sure why, but I feel like everyone here is so incredibly judgmental of me, my life, my behaviors and my actions.
Though rubble, I can't seem to let go. Beautiful failures add up one by one, and maybe they make the people we are. I won't break.