Five Stages of Homeschooling
I've had this idea bouncing around in my head for awhile, because frankly we all go through this in our time as homeschoolers. They are, remarkably, similar to grieving.
Denial
You aren't going to homeschool because homeschoolers are weird and what they're doing is abnormal. Not only that, but you can't do it. You can't be with your kids constantly. You can't teach them because you don't know enough to teach them. You don't want to deal with all of the negative things that will be said about you and your kids. Plus homeschooled kids are freaks. They all end up social misfits.
You never considered homeschooling. Everyone sends their kid to public school, except for the few who can afford a private school. Those people are all religious right? They're religious, and they want to keep their kids away from everyone else. That's what homeschooling is, like those Duggars who have too many kids. It's just not normal. My kid wouldn't get to go to prom. That's just wrong. They'll miss out on everything.
All of that bleeds into...
Anger
You shouldn't have to be considering something that's going to completely derail your life! The schools should be protecting your child from the bullies! You pay so much money in taxes, that the schools should be taking care of this.
Or
They have all these resources and yet they still can't help your child succeed in school! Your kid keeps telling you how dumb they are because they're not reading on grade level, but you see that they can play the piano beautifully. They don't appreciate the skills your child has and it's infuriating to know that no one sees where your child is brilliant! All they see is a child who is going to fail the stupid test, which will make the teacher look bad. It's disgusting! You can't even be mad at the teacher, because the teacher is stuck in the same system. But the system is so big, so entrenched, that you know you can't change it and it leaves you helpless and immobile.
Or
You didn't want to be here! You didn't want to be arguing with a school that won't let you take your child to his grandmother's funeral because it means missing an entire week of school. You think it's ridiculous that your entire life now revolves around someone else telling you when you can interact with your child. You don't like that your kid's life now belongs to the school. But this is what everyone else does, right
Bargaining
You'll just try this for a year. You're not one of those parents. You don't want to have total control over your kid's life. You just need a small break from the (insert excuse here). Things were just too out of hand and you really can't take much more of this. Your kid is drowning from everything and you all just need a break. You'll just be here for a bit, then they'll go back while the school works on the problem. They promised they'd work on it. You think they will. You know the teachers and principals care about the kids, that they're in an impossible situation. You tell the grandparents it's just for a short time. It's not forever, just a chance for your child to catch up. You did a lot of research and learned that it's not a big deal to homeschool, that the kids tend to do fine.
It's not forever!
Depression
Your child is a mess. The first week of homeschooling and it's already an epic fail. They're upset, moody, clingy, and you realize that it was a huge failure. You shouldn't have pulled them from school. They were happier there, and now you're both miserable at home. They don't want to do the workbooks you carefully selected. They won't listen to you. All you do is nag your kid. All you want is to send them off and give in to everyone who ever told you that you were going to fail at this. You seek out the experienced homeschooling moms who tell you to back off, but you can't do that because your child will fall behind.
You and your child sink deeper into a pit as everything continues to fall apart. It's a struggle to even work up the energy to get out of bed because this is not how you saw homeschooling. You thought your child would be happier here, at home, working on math together and going on educational field trips. Instead, you've been in the same set of pajamas for three days straight.
You hit the wall.
It's too much stress.
Finally...
Acceptance
The thing you saw as homeschooling doesn't exist, except for a few people who actually enjoy workbooks. You finally see that your child needs a deschooling time and after a few months, they were ready to go. They hated the workbooks because they saw, all along, what you didn't see- it's pointless busy work. They tell you, either in words or actions, exactly how they want to learn. You do go on some field trips, but maybe not as many as you'd like. You'll work on it as soon as you manage to get dressed more than twice a week. You see your kid smiling at the play groups with the other homeschooled kids. These kids aren't like the other kids you've met. They aren't weird. They do sometimes get a little grumpy or mean, but almost no one is bullying. These kids are bright. They talk to people. Sometimes they're shy, sometimes not. It occurs to you that people are either introverts or extroverts, no matter where they go to school. You find acceptance in the oddest places, often from a mom who does nothing the way you do, but still says you're doing a great job.
You meet a mother who has been at this homeschooling thing for a long time and you see just how relaxed and laid back she appears to be. You ask her what she's doing and she tells you nothing. You don't know how to believe that, but you listen as she explains that she taught her children to seek out the answers to their questions, then she sat back to watch. She's there to guide, to drive, to be the personal assistant on their educational journey. You are doubtful that can work until you learn her children are flourishing in their given areas of gifts and passions. She tells you that it is the child's education, not hers. It's theirs to earn, to cherish. She doesn't have to push hard for them to fly from the nest. You ask her how she's teaching advanced subjects, but she laughs and says she doesn't. "I find, or help them find, the resources. They find their own answers." She isn't schooling them. She isn't training them to walk the straight and narrow line. She's completely unconcerned that her child isn't learning on the "normal" path because her child has shown that they are learning other things in other ways.
You wonder how she isn't going crazy, but when she says life is less stressful this way, you can see why she says that. When you stopped worrying about making public school happen at home, and accepted homeschooling as something else altogether, the pressure lifts.
You start to accept that someday, you're going to be that laid-back parent who has been there, done that, made all the mistakes, and you'll be able to lift the new parents up. They look on their lives with humility, humor, and understand. Someday, that will be you. You know it isn't going to be sunshine, roses, or easy, but the reasons you started homeschooling still stand. Maybe you'll keep going, or maybe you won't, and neither is a wrong choice because you'll have an appreciation for both sides. You'll know you're not powerless to stop problems before they start. You'll be okay and so will your kid and you'll appreciate, more than you ever did before, how that was really the reason you started this journey. Wherever the road takes you, you'll walk it as a family. Together.
Denial
You aren't going to homeschool because homeschoolers are weird and what they're doing is abnormal. Not only that, but you can't do it. You can't be with your kids constantly. You can't teach them because you don't know enough to teach them. You don't want to deal with all of the negative things that will be said about you and your kids. Plus homeschooled kids are freaks. They all end up social misfits.
You never considered homeschooling. Everyone sends their kid to public school, except for the few who can afford a private school. Those people are all religious right? They're religious, and they want to keep their kids away from everyone else. That's what homeschooling is, like those Duggars who have too many kids. It's just not normal. My kid wouldn't get to go to prom. That's just wrong. They'll miss out on everything.
All of that bleeds into...
Anger
You shouldn't have to be considering something that's going to completely derail your life! The schools should be protecting your child from the bullies! You pay so much money in taxes, that the schools should be taking care of this.
Or
They have all these resources and yet they still can't help your child succeed in school! Your kid keeps telling you how dumb they are because they're not reading on grade level, but you see that they can play the piano beautifully. They don't appreciate the skills your child has and it's infuriating to know that no one sees where your child is brilliant! All they see is a child who is going to fail the stupid test, which will make the teacher look bad. It's disgusting! You can't even be mad at the teacher, because the teacher is stuck in the same system. But the system is so big, so entrenched, that you know you can't change it and it leaves you helpless and immobile.
Or
You didn't want to be here! You didn't want to be arguing with a school that won't let you take your child to his grandmother's funeral because it means missing an entire week of school. You think it's ridiculous that your entire life now revolves around someone else telling you when you can interact with your child. You don't like that your kid's life now belongs to the school. But this is what everyone else does, right
Bargaining
You'll just try this for a year. You're not one of those parents. You don't want to have total control over your kid's life. You just need a small break from the (insert excuse here). Things were just too out of hand and you really can't take much more of this. Your kid is drowning from everything and you all just need a break. You'll just be here for a bit, then they'll go back while the school works on the problem. They promised they'd work on it. You think they will. You know the teachers and principals care about the kids, that they're in an impossible situation. You tell the grandparents it's just for a short time. It's not forever, just a chance for your child to catch up. You did a lot of research and learned that it's not a big deal to homeschool, that the kids tend to do fine.
It's not forever!
Depression
Your child is a mess. The first week of homeschooling and it's already an epic fail. They're upset, moody, clingy, and you realize that it was a huge failure. You shouldn't have pulled them from school. They were happier there, and now you're both miserable at home. They don't want to do the workbooks you carefully selected. They won't listen to you. All you do is nag your kid. All you want is to send them off and give in to everyone who ever told you that you were going to fail at this. You seek out the experienced homeschooling moms who tell you to back off, but you can't do that because your child will fall behind.
You and your child sink deeper into a pit as everything continues to fall apart. It's a struggle to even work up the energy to get out of bed because this is not how you saw homeschooling. You thought your child would be happier here, at home, working on math together and going on educational field trips. Instead, you've been in the same set of pajamas for three days straight.
You hit the wall.
It's too much stress.
Finally...
Acceptance
The thing you saw as homeschooling doesn't exist, except for a few people who actually enjoy workbooks. You finally see that your child needs a deschooling time and after a few months, they were ready to go. They hated the workbooks because they saw, all along, what you didn't see- it's pointless busy work. They tell you, either in words or actions, exactly how they want to learn. You do go on some field trips, but maybe not as many as you'd like. You'll work on it as soon as you manage to get dressed more than twice a week. You see your kid smiling at the play groups with the other homeschooled kids. These kids aren't like the other kids you've met. They aren't weird. They do sometimes get a little grumpy or mean, but almost no one is bullying. These kids are bright. They talk to people. Sometimes they're shy, sometimes not. It occurs to you that people are either introverts or extroverts, no matter where they go to school. You find acceptance in the oddest places, often from a mom who does nothing the way you do, but still says you're doing a great job.
You meet a mother who has been at this homeschooling thing for a long time and you see just how relaxed and laid back she appears to be. You ask her what she's doing and she tells you nothing. You don't know how to believe that, but you listen as she explains that she taught her children to seek out the answers to their questions, then she sat back to watch. She's there to guide, to drive, to be the personal assistant on their educational journey. You are doubtful that can work until you learn her children are flourishing in their given areas of gifts and passions. She tells you that it is the child's education, not hers. It's theirs to earn, to cherish. She doesn't have to push hard for them to fly from the nest. You ask her how she's teaching advanced subjects, but she laughs and says she doesn't. "I find, or help them find, the resources. They find their own answers." She isn't schooling them. She isn't training them to walk the straight and narrow line. She's completely unconcerned that her child isn't learning on the "normal" path because her child has shown that they are learning other things in other ways.
You wonder how she isn't going crazy, but when she says life is less stressful this way, you can see why she says that. When you stopped worrying about making public school happen at home, and accepted homeschooling as something else altogether, the pressure lifts.
You start to accept that someday, you're going to be that laid-back parent who has been there, done that, made all the mistakes, and you'll be able to lift the new parents up. They look on their lives with humility, humor, and understand. Someday, that will be you. You know it isn't going to be sunshine, roses, or easy, but the reasons you started homeschooling still stand. Maybe you'll keep going, or maybe you won't, and neither is a wrong choice because you'll have an appreciation for both sides. You'll know you're not powerless to stop problems before they start. You'll be okay and so will your kid and you'll appreciate, more than you ever did before, how that was really the reason you started this journey. Wherever the road takes you, you'll walk it as a family. Together.