I Am Heartless.

[yellowgirl83]

I have been kicking myself in the ass for the last couple of days. I did it again, I caved. I’m not really mad at myself for it though. I wanted it. Ever since the detail, when he told me that I was ignoring him. I knew what I was getting myself into that night, but didn’t even try to stop it. I don’t regret it. It feels almost normal. Hanging out with my boyfriend by day and screwing trouble by night. The best of both worlds. When did I become like this? I kind of like it though. I have been in a mood that I forgot existed. What happened to the girl that would never cheat? I use to give a shit about it and now I don’t even care. I’m am just doing (literally) what makes me happy. Did I just quit caring? Or am I finally doing something that makes me happy? He does make me happy. I know deep down that he’ll just end up hurting me. I can’t help it. He makes me happy, nervous, complete, and normal all at the same time. When ever he comes around, I just get that way. I like that feeling. I don’t understand it, but I like it. I know that I am probably falling for him and at the moment I am ok with it. We talked about it for a while the other night and we both admitted that I ran and he let me. Maybe the break (a couple of weeks) helped us. Here I go making it sound like a relationship. Just because we have been fucking the whole deployment doesn’t mean it’s a relationship. I wasn’t suppose to get feelings. I thought I could handle it. I always did get feelings for the ones that I wasn’t suppose to. I never change. Do I? Here I am in this relationship and all I can think about is when the is the next time I am going to get with trouble. What happened to me? The B\F asked me last night if this was going to turn into just a friendship and I lied and told him no. I should of been honest. Instead, I go and screw some other guy and tell him that the relationship is fine, I am just going through some stuff. I am becoming a heartless person. I don’t even know when or why I am like this. I just can’t help it. It is how I feel. I am screwed. I can’t get trouble out of my head and at the same time I don’t even think about the person that I should. I am become one of those females that I thought I never would be. I don’t even understand why. Maybe I using this so I don’t think about Jer’s death and the fact that Maddy is gone home for good. Ummm....no. I just want to see my trouble.

Jen
Don’t worry about me. I’ll be alright!! :P