(no subject)
It's 4:00 in the fucking morning and I'm still awake... I've been crying for about 2 hours now. I always get like this a few weeks before my period but shit this is really bad. I just keep thinking about my Granny and my Papa's wedding. I can't go to sleep because I keep waking up. I'm trying to be okay with the fact that he has to move on with his life but honestly I'm still mourning for my Granny. I miss her so much that I don't know what to do with myself. No matter what I do I still have dreams about her in the hospital and in the nursing home. She was so sick that I knew she wanted to give up for days but she held on for us. She was the strongest woman that I have ever known. I keep seeing her sitting in the bed noy wanting to eat but doing it because my Papa told her to. I remember him telling her she had to eat so that she would get better and then she could go home. I remember going to the nursing home everyday when I got out of class and sitting with her and my mom all day. I could see it in her eyes everyday whe I walked in the door that she loved me more than she could say and that it killed me to see her in pain. I wanted to stay there with her and never leave. It took all of her energy to tell me that she loved me everyday but she did it no matter how tired she was. The last day was the hardest day of my life. I sat on the edge of her bed holding her hand for hours and then finally that was it. I felt her heart stop beating and she was gone. A thousand thoughts were going through my mind and all I could do was cry. I wanted to shack her and make her wake up. I needed her to be at my graduation and my wedding. I wanted her to see my kids grow up and see my first house. In an instant she was gone and I knew there was nothing I could do. I have so many happy memories of her that I need to concentrate on but all that runs through my mind are the memories of the days when she was so sick she couldn't get out of bed. So I sit in my room at 5:00 in the morning still crying and wishing that there was someone here I could talk to. I called my sister but she has school in the morning and I didn't want to keep her up. I need to get through this somehow but I don't know what to do. I keep thinking if I just cry until I can't cry anymore I will feel better but I've been thinking that since theh day I found out she only had a month to live. Just when I think I have nothing left in my heart to cry more tears come. Okay I have to try to sleep..............