Figuring out me
The other day I had a pretty intense talk with an old friend about what I was doing with my life. (Very “grand scheme of my life” kind of thing.) Nothing was really resolved but it felt good to talk about it. Especially to talk about it with some one who isn’t personally invested in my attempts to conceive. There always is a slight disconnect in these kinds of conversations though, due to my driving and often irrational desire to birth a child. It is a feeling that I’ve been unable to explain to anyone who has not experienced the drive. Not that my friend asked for an explanation, it is just difficult for others to see how all-consuming it can be. Even Jake in the midst of his strong desire to become a parent does not understand why I feel compelled to try so hard to grow and birth the child myself. He wants me to be pregnant but mostly out of a desire to see me happy. So for the last year and nine months I have devoted all of my passion and intelligence to trying to get pregnant. I don’t want to look back at these years, with or without a pregnancy, and regret my narrow-minded obsession.
But, then again, there has been a lot else going on in my life. I feel that I sometimes have a myopic view of the past (almost) 2 years. A lot has happened and my life is richer for the experiences. The biggest experience has been the boy joining our household and becoming part of the family. I also had the incredible experience of being able to stay at home almost exclusively for a whole year. The fact that I was trying to conceive did have primary focus in my life but that wasn’t the only thing going on. I didn’t “waste” those two years, I was living in them. I was devoting time to learning what I need to be content in life and what makes me truly happy. I have a focus and goals in both the career and home that I didn’t have before. The fact that I am putting my home goals before my career is not a big deal. My brain isn’t going to turn to mush (okay, it might for awhile after the kid is born but it isn’t permanent). I have time to return to my career goals. Home has always been primary for me so it isn’t so unusual for me to focus more energy on that. It isn’t a very popular or common focus in our society which, I think, is why that I sometimes doubt my desire to put home first. But that is what makes me happy and it is good for my family too.
Wow…I think I just resolved my “grand scheme” issue! The right perspective is a wonderful thing.
But, then again, there has been a lot else going on in my life. I feel that I sometimes have a myopic view of the past (almost) 2 years. A lot has happened and my life is richer for the experiences. The biggest experience has been the boy joining our household and becoming part of the family. I also had the incredible experience of being able to stay at home almost exclusively for a whole year. The fact that I was trying to conceive did have primary focus in my life but that wasn’t the only thing going on. I didn’t “waste” those two years, I was living in them. I was devoting time to learning what I need to be content in life and what makes me truly happy. I have a focus and goals in both the career and home that I didn’t have before. The fact that I am putting my home goals before my career is not a big deal. My brain isn’t going to turn to mush (okay, it might for awhile after the kid is born but it isn’t permanent). I have time to return to my career goals. Home has always been primary for me so it isn’t so unusual for me to focus more energy on that. It isn’t a very popular or common focus in our society which, I think, is why that I sometimes doubt my desire to put home first. But that is what makes me happy and it is good for my family too.
Wow…I think I just resolved my “grand scheme” issue! The right perspective is a wonderful thing.