I'm a dribbly fucking snotty mess
Lately I just seem to have such wonderful upbeat news to share.
Tonite I received an email from my Aunt letting me know that tomorrow she and my Uncle are meeting with Hospice for my grandmother.
I have spent the last 3 hours a dribbly hot mess.
MY family sucks. This Aunt is the same aunt when my grandfather passed last month, if she needed me to come down, her response was she was 'tired.' WTF does that mean. She also put together a half assed obit, where as my uncle had a nice obit in another paper. WTF is wrong with people dueling frigging obits. Her obit listed herself, and my Uncle and my grandmother as surviving family, no mention of my MOTHER or his grandchildren or his great-child. I was pissed
I know this is all over the place. Furthermore my Grandfather was cremated which is a BIG NO NO in Judaism. She couldn't be bothered to have a service or a memorial of anything. It's infuriating, she was disrespectful about my Uncle intending to sit shiva. Ok so he 'sat' for two days or rather had 2 nites for people to come by. But at least he did SOMETHING. I was actually out at my Uncle's looking at pictures the Sunday after my Grandfather died with Mike and Nechama and went back with Nechama for one of the nites of shiva.
WTF is wrong with people a frigging email. My dad's gf called my uncle, who I knew was driving my cousin back up to college. IT blows my mind my cousin is 20. She wound up speaking to my cousin who was unable to relay my Uncle's message that 'they don't know how much longer my grandmother will be alive.'
REality sucks. Life sucks. I can't fathom a world without my grandparents. I know I'm blubbering and I'm frigging 31. MY grandmother in many ways is already gone, a shell of the person she was. She has advanced dementia. And I feel like a shitty person cuz I haven't been to visit, cuz I can't handle it. I'm not strong enough. and since my Grandfather passed I just can't. No matter how much my grandparents have messed stuff up over the years or done or said fucked up things they're still my grandparents. Do you know how happy Mike was when we got engaged that he had a 'Grandma and a Grandpa' again since his were long gone.
It just sucks. And I spent a good 20 min crying while holding Nechama. She asked me why I was crying, and I told her 'I'm sad GG might have to go to a special hospital.' I figure that's as much information as a processing delayed almost 4 year old needs. We didn't tell her that her 'Grandpa Harvey' passed away, we haven't said anything. That was Mike's thought it was better to say nothing because she's so little she wouldn't understand. Yet she knows exactly who my Grandfather and Grandmother are if you show her pictures, and doesn't consistently know who Mike's parents are. But that's a whole other clusterfuck.
And it sucks I have a training for work tomorrow all day. So I can't be at this meeting, which I don't want to be. But I'm not even available by phone to hear what's going on. It just sucks. I just want to send my kid to the babysitter and isolate and numb out. I took a Xanax about 2 hours ago and I'm still feeling my feelings, which is more feelings than I want right now. Then again it makes me wonder how much worse would I be without the xanax in my system.
Tonite I received an email from my Aunt letting me know that tomorrow she and my Uncle are meeting with Hospice for my grandmother.
I have spent the last 3 hours a dribbly hot mess.
MY family sucks. This Aunt is the same aunt when my grandfather passed last month, if she needed me to come down, her response was she was 'tired.' WTF does that mean. She also put together a half assed obit, where as my uncle had a nice obit in another paper. WTF is wrong with people dueling frigging obits. Her obit listed herself, and my Uncle and my grandmother as surviving family, no mention of my MOTHER or his grandchildren or his great-child. I was pissed
I know this is all over the place. Furthermore my Grandfather was cremated which is a BIG NO NO in Judaism. She couldn't be bothered to have a service or a memorial of anything. It's infuriating, she was disrespectful about my Uncle intending to sit shiva. Ok so he 'sat' for two days or rather had 2 nites for people to come by. But at least he did SOMETHING. I was actually out at my Uncle's looking at pictures the Sunday after my Grandfather died with Mike and Nechama and went back with Nechama for one of the nites of shiva.
WTF is wrong with people a frigging email. My dad's gf called my uncle, who I knew was driving my cousin back up to college. IT blows my mind my cousin is 20. She wound up speaking to my cousin who was unable to relay my Uncle's message that 'they don't know how much longer my grandmother will be alive.'
REality sucks. Life sucks. I can't fathom a world without my grandparents. I know I'm blubbering and I'm frigging 31. MY grandmother in many ways is already gone, a shell of the person she was. She has advanced dementia. And I feel like a shitty person cuz I haven't been to visit, cuz I can't handle it. I'm not strong enough. and since my Grandfather passed I just can't. No matter how much my grandparents have messed stuff up over the years or done or said fucked up things they're still my grandparents. Do you know how happy Mike was when we got engaged that he had a 'Grandma and a Grandpa' again since his were long gone.
It just sucks. And I spent a good 20 min crying while holding Nechama. She asked me why I was crying, and I told her 'I'm sad GG might have to go to a special hospital.' I figure that's as much information as a processing delayed almost 4 year old needs. We didn't tell her that her 'Grandpa Harvey' passed away, we haven't said anything. That was Mike's thought it was better to say nothing because she's so little she wouldn't understand. Yet she knows exactly who my Grandfather and Grandmother are if you show her pictures, and doesn't consistently know who Mike's parents are. But that's a whole other clusterfuck.
And it sucks I have a training for work tomorrow all day. So I can't be at this meeting, which I don't want to be. But I'm not even available by phone to hear what's going on. It just sucks. I just want to send my kid to the babysitter and isolate and numb out. I took a Xanax about 2 hours ago and I'm still feeling my feelings, which is more feelings than I want right now. Then again it makes me wonder how much worse would I be without the xanax in my system.