And you shall teach them to your children.....
There is a reason for the title of this entry, and while my explanation of events, thoughts and feelings may be convuluded bare with me.
It comes from the Shema “And you shall teach them to your children, and you shall speak of them when you sit at home, and when you walk along the way, and when you lie down and when you rise up” the exact wording is slightly more archaic from the Reform prayerbook we used when I was a kid. But you get the idea.
Since my grandmother fell and broke her hip back in September, I have tried to be present and involved. Since my grandmother came home from rehab back in October, I have really tried like once a week to bring Nechama down, because these are her ONLY great-grandparents, and it brings my grandmother who is in a real fog tremendous joy. I think my grandfather is starting to dull at the edges, but that's a combination of taking care of my grandmother, being 91, and the whole mess.
I realize my grandparents are a different generation. I also realize my choices in life are not theirs. I know being religious or keeping shabbos is not something they perceive as a priority, however in time they have while voicing their not understanding my desire they have also been quite supportive in their own way. There has been so many things said in the past ten years, but we've also had a real rollercoaster of ten years.
I took Nechama to see my grandparents last Monday. While we're there my grandfather turns to me and asks 'do I intend to tell her about my mother?'
Now I could have been a complete bitch and asked exactly what he meant: What I think in that moment is, he wanted to know if I intended to tell her about my mom, and that she's no longer alive?
How I could have taken it:
1. Do you intend to tell her in general?
2. Do you intend to tell her about your mother?
3. Do you intend to tell her about her being an addict?(which we don't discuss)
4. Do you intend to tell her how she died?
5. Do you intend to tell her how unhappy she was?
6.Do you intend to tell her how she was never was at peace in her own skin?
What I understand on the part of my grandfather to better explain what to many of us would be perceived as a really strange question. His sister Blance died at the age of 32, from non-hodgkin's lymphoma. Apparently, when she passed away she had a two year old Jesse, he was basically never told about his mother, and his father remarried. My grandfather and the rest of the family never made the effort to maintain contact because 60+ years ago the thought was to maintain contact would essentially confuse him and hinder Jesse in his 'new' family.
My thoughts: How could I not, my mother is a part of who Nechama is. If I didn't want to deal with that part I wouldn't have named after my mom. Because how does one choose a name and yet fail to illustrate the qualities that you felt compelled to carry on to another generation.
What I didn't say is, to deny my mother is to deny a giant chunk of myself, my essence, and my soul.
When I shared this with my dad's girlfriend she was really sweet I don't recall most of it because it made me feel good and then it made me cry. The gist of it is, that she's a part of who we all are. She's Nechama's grandmother. We would be blind to think we could ignore that piece, and yet never have NEchama question who is in these pictures, as there are pictures of my mom at my dad's as well as some pictures of my mom in my own home.
She even said that her dad, knows who Nancy is.
What I know for me, is I need to communicate to Nechama who she is and where she comes from. To deny my mother in that story is to deny my history, both good and bad. While a young child doesn't need to know the nuances, she does deserve to know where she comes from and that she's loved.
I also think in the long run there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that I miss my mother and I wish that I could see her and that I wish she got to know Nechama. In my heart and mind, it's reconcilling what is appropriate for a child, and always making Nechama feel that she CAN ask questions.
It comes from the Shema “And you shall teach them to your children, and you shall speak of them when you sit at home, and when you walk along the way, and when you lie down and when you rise up” the exact wording is slightly more archaic from the Reform prayerbook we used when I was a kid. But you get the idea.
Since my grandmother fell and broke her hip back in September, I have tried to be present and involved. Since my grandmother came home from rehab back in October, I have really tried like once a week to bring Nechama down, because these are her ONLY great-grandparents, and it brings my grandmother who is in a real fog tremendous joy. I think my grandfather is starting to dull at the edges, but that's a combination of taking care of my grandmother, being 91, and the whole mess.
I realize my grandparents are a different generation. I also realize my choices in life are not theirs. I know being religious or keeping shabbos is not something they perceive as a priority, however in time they have while voicing their not understanding my desire they have also been quite supportive in their own way. There has been so many things said in the past ten years, but we've also had a real rollercoaster of ten years.
I took Nechama to see my grandparents last Monday. While we're there my grandfather turns to me and asks 'do I intend to tell her about my mother?'
Now I could have been a complete bitch and asked exactly what he meant: What I think in that moment is, he wanted to know if I intended to tell her about my mom, and that she's no longer alive?
How I could have taken it:
1. Do you intend to tell her in general?
2. Do you intend to tell her about your mother?
3. Do you intend to tell her about her being an addict?(which we don't discuss)
4. Do you intend to tell her how she died?
5. Do you intend to tell her how unhappy she was?
6.Do you intend to tell her how she was never was at peace in her own skin?
What I understand on the part of my grandfather to better explain what to many of us would be perceived as a really strange question. His sister Blance died at the age of 32, from non-hodgkin's lymphoma. Apparently, when she passed away she had a two year old Jesse, he was basically never told about his mother, and his father remarried. My grandfather and the rest of the family never made the effort to maintain contact because 60+ years ago the thought was to maintain contact would essentially confuse him and hinder Jesse in his 'new' family.
My thoughts: How could I not, my mother is a part of who Nechama is. If I didn't want to deal with that part I wouldn't have named after my mom. Because how does one choose a name and yet fail to illustrate the qualities that you felt compelled to carry on to another generation.
What I didn't say is, to deny my mother is to deny a giant chunk of myself, my essence, and my soul.
When I shared this with my dad's girlfriend she was really sweet I don't recall most of it because it made me feel good and then it made me cry. The gist of it is, that she's a part of who we all are. She's Nechama's grandmother. We would be blind to think we could ignore that piece, and yet never have NEchama question who is in these pictures, as there are pictures of my mom at my dad's as well as some pictures of my mom in my own home.
She even said that her dad, knows who Nancy is.
What I know for me, is I need to communicate to Nechama who she is and where she comes from. To deny my mother in that story is to deny my history, both good and bad. While a young child doesn't need to know the nuances, she does deserve to know where she comes from and that she's loved.
I also think in the long run there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that I miss my mother and I wish that I could see her and that I wish she got to know Nechama. In my heart and mind, it's reconcilling what is appropriate for a child, and always making Nechama feel that she CAN ask questions.