*Hidden violence revealed, darkness that seems real*
*sigh*...isn't that I always start these things off?
But yea...got a few things bothering...sortakinda...not really in a bad way...just pissed off at various situations. Wishing there was some way I could just let everyone know just how I feel about all of them individually. There are some people I wish I could just walk up to and jab a fork into their eyes and stand there, laughing, watching them as they scream and bleed all over the floor, writhing in pain...But then there is the other extreme, where I wish I could spend each and every minute of each and every day with someone. But alas, I can't delve into either of these, for one, although capable of such violence and cold-heartedness, I can't make myself do it unless provoked in some way...and two, well, I guess I'm just a coward when it comes to comfronting others with my feelings. I'm afraid...not just to be afraid, heh, I've ran straight at lines of guys twice my height and three times my weight who want to crush me, I've thrown myself in front of large rubber balls moving at about 50mph, and I've run through a hail of objects moving 350fps (and aimed at me) without blinking...I've taken a leadership position in just about everything I've done, leading by example and from the front etc...but even with all of this...I'm still afriad when it comes to letting others know how I really feel about them. Sometimes it's me being diplomatic, not wanting to hurt feelings, or (here's that cold-heartedness) because I felt I had use for them yet...but more often than not, it's because I fear their rejection. I have this continuous phobia that if I told someone I had feelings for them, not only would they reject me, but they would also completely sever ties with me, and I could never deal with that. I treasure the connections I have with others...but I can never bring myself to take it to the next level...the few times I have tried, I just end right back down the bottom with a heart torn to pieces and a soul filled to the brim with self-hate and -judgement. I take everything to heart, as if it's my fault...I can't explain why...I know I shouldn't...yet I do.
Why am I so god-damned different from everyone else? People pick up and drop relationships like pairs of sneakers...and it takes me half a year to finally get up the nerve to make an attempt at it...and it ended up being the best and the worst experience of my life to date...and I still feel tendrils of that in every thought of mine, holding me back, keeping me from trying again...
Another thing...why the hell do I always find myself attracted to girls either already in relationships, or so fricken confused from their last one that they can't/won't try again? Now that pisses me off...it's not that I feel inadequet because I can't get someone to notice me...it's wrong to even try to get them to notice me in that situation. Damn me and my morals...they've always got me into so much trouble...
Jesus...I'm just ranting now, looking for something to say, trying to think of something that could make someone else understand all the things that are going through my head and my heart right now...but I don't think those words will ever come. God, I need a girlfriend...so that finally I can share me emotions with someone without any boundries...maybe then someone else will understand and see things as I see them...
But yea...got a few things bothering...sortakinda...not really in a bad way...just pissed off at various situations. Wishing there was some way I could just let everyone know just how I feel about all of them individually. There are some people I wish I could just walk up to and jab a fork into their eyes and stand there, laughing, watching them as they scream and bleed all over the floor, writhing in pain...But then there is the other extreme, where I wish I could spend each and every minute of each and every day with someone. But alas, I can't delve into either of these, for one, although capable of such violence and cold-heartedness, I can't make myself do it unless provoked in some way...and two, well, I guess I'm just a coward when it comes to comfronting others with my feelings. I'm afraid...not just to be afraid, heh, I've ran straight at lines of guys twice my height and three times my weight who want to crush me, I've thrown myself in front of large rubber balls moving at about 50mph, and I've run through a hail of objects moving 350fps (and aimed at me) without blinking...I've taken a leadership position in just about everything I've done, leading by example and from the front etc...but even with all of this...I'm still afriad when it comes to letting others know how I really feel about them. Sometimes it's me being diplomatic, not wanting to hurt feelings, or (here's that cold-heartedness) because I felt I had use for them yet...but more often than not, it's because I fear their rejection. I have this continuous phobia that if I told someone I had feelings for them, not only would they reject me, but they would also completely sever ties with me, and I could never deal with that. I treasure the connections I have with others...but I can never bring myself to take it to the next level...the few times I have tried, I just end right back down the bottom with a heart torn to pieces and a soul filled to the brim with self-hate and -judgement. I take everything to heart, as if it's my fault...I can't explain why...I know I shouldn't...yet I do.
Why am I so god-damned different from everyone else? People pick up and drop relationships like pairs of sneakers...and it takes me half a year to finally get up the nerve to make an attempt at it...and it ended up being the best and the worst experience of my life to date...and I still feel tendrils of that in every thought of mine, holding me back, keeping me from trying again...
Another thing...why the hell do I always find myself attracted to girls either already in relationships, or so fricken confused from their last one that they can't/won't try again? Now that pisses me off...it's not that I feel inadequet because I can't get someone to notice me...it's wrong to even try to get them to notice me in that situation. Damn me and my morals...they've always got me into so much trouble...
Jesus...I'm just ranting now, looking for something to say, trying to think of something that could make someone else understand all the things that are going through my head and my heart right now...but I don't think those words will ever come. God, I need a girlfriend...so that finally I can share me emotions with someone without any boundries...maybe then someone else will understand and see things as I see them...