Shamu plane...shamu plane! Hydroplane...hydroplane! ::bouncing::
As puck said, "I am here!". Landed yesterday about 9. There was a delay somewhere in the sky and I was stuck at LAX for another hour which affected my landing time but all is well. Suffered severe turbulance in the commuter plane of death on the way to LAX, played a sneaky game of elbow wars with the asian sitting next to me who kept taking the armrest, and flinched while waking and spilled soda all over my bag. But, I got to see Audrey and all is well. When I got off the plane it was stifflingly humid and warm but it felt great. We then partook in a splendid combination of taco cabana and sonic and feasted. We even managed to catch a midnight showing of Harry Potter which frees more time up today to go to the outlet mall if armegeddon doesn't cease. Everything was dry and happy until Aud and I drove into San Marcos for her spanish class and the rain started back up. Texas State is nice and sprawling. I feel so foriegn sneaking into their computer lab to steal internet while Audrey learns espanol. It is so great to see her again. Everything here is so familiar that the transistion is almost seamless. It is a little odd to see the massive freeways that now carve through San Antonio and notice the rapid development thats taking place but it still feels like Texas, still feels predictable and oh so classicly western. There are cowboys for jesus and churches instead of starbucks on every corner, the weather is changing about every hour, and I've been malled by crickets. It is just as I left it.
Last night, while sleeping on Jennifer's couch and being made sweet love to by her very affectionate siamese, Casper, that wouldn't let me rest, I had two very odd diametric dreams. The first one, I believe because I was still slipping into sleep and was lucid, was much more structured and realistic taking place about six years in the future. I was over at Gioia's house (which she apparently moved into) and was catching up with people six years hence. Then I woke when the cat started licking my face. The second dream was much more disjointed and mainly concerned a quest for funnel cake. Lauren was there, I think because of a girl I saw at the airport that had a striking resemblance, and my life almost ended because I couldn't find funnel cake.
Thinking about everything's thats happened over the past few months, and oh how much has happened. It seems to have just flown past me. Texas is like my recharge zone - it exisits outside of time. When things are careening out of control in California and everything is evolving too quickly Texas is my safety that slows everything down and puts it into perspective. Fast change. I can't even predict whats going to happen the next day let alone plan for my future. I'm so used to planning ahead and waiting until that time comes that i'm not very accustomed to living in the moment. I need to learn to be comfortable with it. Riffling through everything that is in my head a few days ago, I realized what it is I lack. I have been tried and found wanton. I am now conscious, almost painfully so, of the things I want to change for myself. Change in myself. There is the life I want for myself and the one I have and my frustration arises when I confuse the two. Sometimes, who am I kidding? most of the time, I try to write my life as if I am in control of it. That is almost foolish. I'm not going to release the stirrups and proceed on autopiolet but I need to figure out how to allow the river to take its course. I need to let go.
I can decided what I give. But its not up to me, what I get given.
Unthinkable surprises are bound to happen, but what they are...
Its not up to you, though it never really was
I remember...For Two Years...
you get to a place in your life,
and you start looking back,
and you say to yourself,
that its not working out the way you hoped.
See how you really are, a series of bland billboards. I want to concentrate on school this semester - keep my head afloat with these 18 units and maintain 3.8 - I even want to start looking for another job. One with much less requirements and expectations even responsibility. I'm almost tired of other people's expectations. I have plenty of my own to deal with, not to mention my father's unfathomable limits, that I don't really care about feeling bothered with other induviduals'. I'm in an interesting mood, contemplative passivity? Is that right? Its not that I don't care...but more a returning to myself, and realizing the importance of my own priorities verses others. I don't want to come off as selfish or callous...I just think people invest too much time in other people's bullshit. If we pondered a little more about ourselves maybe all could be better? You can't love other people, until you love yourself. Appreciation, respect, sympathy, tolerance...if we all remembered that we are not alone and take comfort in the knowledge that there are others like us maybe we could all feel a little more connected. Maybe its just my skewed perspective, but this isolationism needs to cease.
Not to cite Campbell and Moyers and therefore give credit to Travis, but we need myths and rituals in modern society. Something to identify with ourselves and therefore eachother. More epic series like Star Wars and Harry Potter, and rituals in general, not like getting a car when your 16 or considering yourself an adult the first time you have sex, but perhaps journeys, peyote culture? possibly that is the root of the drug culture in America (or the world I'm simply more familiar with my own country) it is the only source of ritual we truely have that connect us. Underground or not...illegal or not...good/evil or not, there is a lot of psychology behind it. Sociology too. I'm not even sure what I'm rambling about anymore. This arguement (or debate really) is much better fostered with at least another person that can offer differing perspectives...and keep me on track. I think my tanget has taken me alittle of course, but how else can we arrive at a conclusion? I'm very excited about my honors social psychology course with ms.Bourdage, she is an excellent teacher, very intelligent, and extremely willing to banter ideas with people even if there unfounded or completely wrong because who know, maybe a truth can be found in the mire.
The heat outside is now creating condensation on the windows of the computer lab. I'm very comfortable right now...I have discovered a center. I feel my insecurities throb a little but it allows me to know where they are and address them. I would like to hope, and take comfort in the fact, that at least I'm on the right track or that my intentions are genuine.
I mean well.
Last night, while sleeping on Jennifer's couch and being made sweet love to by her very affectionate siamese, Casper, that wouldn't let me rest, I had two very odd diametric dreams. The first one, I believe because I was still slipping into sleep and was lucid, was much more structured and realistic taking place about six years in the future. I was over at Gioia's house (which she apparently moved into) and was catching up with people six years hence. Then I woke when the cat started licking my face. The second dream was much more disjointed and mainly concerned a quest for funnel cake. Lauren was there, I think because of a girl I saw at the airport that had a striking resemblance, and my life almost ended because I couldn't find funnel cake.
Thinking about everything's thats happened over the past few months, and oh how much has happened. It seems to have just flown past me. Texas is like my recharge zone - it exisits outside of time. When things are careening out of control in California and everything is evolving too quickly Texas is my safety that slows everything down and puts it into perspective. Fast change. I can't even predict whats going to happen the next day let alone plan for my future. I'm so used to planning ahead and waiting until that time comes that i'm not very accustomed to living in the moment. I need to learn to be comfortable with it. Riffling through everything that is in my head a few days ago, I realized what it is I lack. I have been tried and found wanton. I am now conscious, almost painfully so, of the things I want to change for myself. Change in myself. There is the life I want for myself and the one I have and my frustration arises when I confuse the two. Sometimes, who am I kidding? most of the time, I try to write my life as if I am in control of it. That is almost foolish. I'm not going to release the stirrups and proceed on autopiolet but I need to figure out how to allow the river to take its course. I need to let go.
I can decided what I give. But its not up to me, what I get given.
Unthinkable surprises are bound to happen, but what they are...
Its not up to you, though it never really was
I remember...For Two Years...
you get to a place in your life,
and you start looking back,
and you say to yourself,
that its not working out the way you hoped.
See how you really are, a series of bland billboards. I want to concentrate on school this semester - keep my head afloat with these 18 units and maintain 3.8 - I even want to start looking for another job. One with much less requirements and expectations even responsibility. I'm almost tired of other people's expectations. I have plenty of my own to deal with, not to mention my father's unfathomable limits, that I don't really care about feeling bothered with other induviduals'. I'm in an interesting mood, contemplative passivity? Is that right? Its not that I don't care...but more a returning to myself, and realizing the importance of my own priorities verses others. I don't want to come off as selfish or callous...I just think people invest too much time in other people's bullshit. If we pondered a little more about ourselves maybe all could be better? You can't love other people, until you love yourself. Appreciation, respect, sympathy, tolerance...if we all remembered that we are not alone and take comfort in the knowledge that there are others like us maybe we could all feel a little more connected. Maybe its just my skewed perspective, but this isolationism needs to cease.
Not to cite Campbell and Moyers and therefore give credit to Travis, but we need myths and rituals in modern society. Something to identify with ourselves and therefore eachother. More epic series like Star Wars and Harry Potter, and rituals in general, not like getting a car when your 16 or considering yourself an adult the first time you have sex, but perhaps journeys, peyote culture? possibly that is the root of the drug culture in America (or the world I'm simply more familiar with my own country) it is the only source of ritual we truely have that connect us. Underground or not...illegal or not...good/evil or not, there is a lot of psychology behind it. Sociology too. I'm not even sure what I'm rambling about anymore. This arguement (or debate really) is much better fostered with at least another person that can offer differing perspectives...and keep me on track. I think my tanget has taken me alittle of course, but how else can we arrive at a conclusion? I'm very excited about my honors social psychology course with ms.Bourdage, she is an excellent teacher, very intelligent, and extremely willing to banter ideas with people even if there unfounded or completely wrong because who know, maybe a truth can be found in the mire.
The heat outside is now creating condensation on the windows of the computer lab. I'm very comfortable right now...I have discovered a center. I feel my insecurities throb a little but it allows me to know where they are and address them. I would like to hope, and take comfort in the fact, that at least I'm on the right track or that my intentions are genuine.
I mean well.