Here We Go Again...

[yearninsunshine]

I just got back from San Diego, had Audrey pick me up and I was totally lucky that she was in town because Will crapped out on me, after telling me to trust him (which I idioicly agreed to) and then running off to a concert with Trisha and then over to David's house...anyways. I would have relied on JP if he wasn't in New Mexico which I was not expecting when I called him. Now that I'm back from California my thoughts are becoming more solidified. I'm moving back there in May after I return from Korea. I'll probably drive my car out with my dad the Saturday after I graduate and then we fly out from San Diego. I don't really want to leave...I need to get out of hieghts but we all do. I was very much seduced by the idea of living on my own but this is what is best. I love California. I loved it then and I love it now and now it is where I need to be. Now, I am ready to go. There's nothing really holding me here anymore which is good. Sure I have my friends but with things like Myspace, cellphones, webcams, livejournals, and what not I can stay connected. Even then, I'll visit. I'm not dating Will anymore in fact I'm quiet relieved to be going to San Diego for that reason. I love him emmensely but he also makes me hate him with the same passion. School I'll figure out in due time and until then I'm just working on Heights which I am quiet happy with my desicion to finish. This is what I needed to do and this is what I will need to do. Severing my mother officially...and getting a new start. I have the years in front of me to live on my own but now I need to concentrate on my school and do even better to excel even more. I'll get cold feet from now until then...I know I will...especially when this contemplative funk I'm in is over...but I just have to keep reminding myself that this is what is easiest and right now, more than ever, is when I need to push the easy button. No more stress...no more drama...no more suicide attempts...no more.
I will be quiting Steinmart in May so that my two weeks will end right before my graduation but because I've given my father such an extensive break he'll be able to float me until I can get another job in San Diego. Right after Korea there is a vague idea about England, which would be even more spectacular, and then after that I'm still thinking about Bonneroo which I need to make up my mind about soon before the tickets run out but not tonight...not tonight. Tonight I will wait for Alex...if she's coming home and if shes not (like her mom just said) wait for her courtesy call to say she is not coming home which I don't think will come. I'm tired and moving back will be my rest...

Now its time.