Hormone City
I am so tired this week. In the past I've thought I've had bags under my eyes, but this morning I knew I must have been wrong, because I had JUST THE ONE BAG under my left eye. I mean WHUT? One bag? How rediculous. I think it was mostly caused by an excessive bout of crying last night, brought on by an overload of hormones and all things seemingly crashing in the middle of my life simultaneously. Naturally the issues that triggered this, when seen in a sensible light, are not actually particularly controversial, but hormones meant it was the end of the world.
SO. I've not been at work much this week, due to lack of hours for me on the rota. I did Sunday, and it was fine. Apart from the money in the safe seemed to be wrong - £5 out somewhere, but I really didn't know what I should do to make it right, or even if there was anything I could do, so I left it. When I went in yesterday, I was hauled in to the office by Josie, to be told that "Toni was really cross about the state of the floor on Monday morning. Alison had rung to find out what Toni had thought of the shop floor when she went in on Monday" meaning that she must have been to the shop to see that the front mat had not been hovered, "and the safe float was wrong, could you please make sure you count it properly".
Her whole manner made me feel so SMALL. And rubbish at my job. And I spent a restless night panicking that Toni was going to be really awful to me when I got there this morning. Honestly, Josie really has been very odd lately.
If Alison really had been by the shop just to find faults with it for fun, she must be such a sad little person. Does she not have anything better to do? Lol. And if she came to see the shop properly, surely she should know the opening hours of one of her own stores? Pfft.
Also, on Thursday I took my CV over the road to Bailey's because my mum pointed out an advert in the paper a few weeks ago, for a full time sales person. I hadn't done anything about it because, a]I'm lazy and b]I'm forgetful. I thought they'd probably have found someone by now, but I decided that at least the might take my CV anyway and keep it if any other jobs came up. But as soon as I got home again, Sally Bailey phoned me to go in for a chat. Which I duly did, and I have a one day trial on Monday. I'll get paid, which is great, BUT I have to dye over my hair. I can understand why, but my agreement to do so induced a deep unhappiness akin to moping because I DO NOT WANT TO DO IT.
It sounds silly, but it feels like YAY, possibility of new job, but BOO for I cannot be myself anymore. My hair is an expression of who I am. It's taken me most of my life to come to grips with who I am, and how I show that, but now it feels like it's being taken away from me.
So, last night my head was just going round and round thinking; "I hate my job and the only alternative is one where I cannot be who I want to be". I tried to explain how I felt to my mum and she just doesn't get it. She's the sort of person who just takes things as they are, and I've started to turn away from that attitude, to one where I think, "Why should I have to stand for that? Why should I have to be what other people want me to be?". I am a rebel at heart and there's only so much I can take.
Add in to that major hormones and you get 'I don't think I can fulfil anyone's expectations of me, I'll never be good enough for anyone'
In reality, Toni was fine this morning. She is so much better at telling me what she wants from me without being nasty, or patronising, or belittling, which is why she is a Manager and Josie is an Assistant Manager. Plus, when was the last time Josie counted the till floats and got it right?! Fucking forever ago. She's forever over banking or underbanking. And Toni said she also went to count the safe float on Tuesday and got the same as me so she can go fuck herself. She's been really weird lately and is not just getting to me. Jan and Brenda are off her atm, so I'm clearly not the only one she's been annoying to.
I told her about the Bailey's job, and she's pleased that I've found something with more hours. I don't think it'll make much difference to her if I leave just before Christmas, I'm hardly on the rota anyway!
OH and she explained the weird, sudden, I'M GOING HOME from last week. She's pregnant!!! :D Only eight weeks, so she's not really told many people, though more than she wanted to I think. She had to tell Alison, and Josie overheard, so she had to tell Jan because Josie would have done it given half the chance. She hasn't even told her own mother yet. The reason being, she's had three miscarriages over the years, and this is the result of IVF. It's early days for her. I am really happy for her though! Her last egg count showed she had three eggs, so now she's paranoid that she's going to have triplets.. hahaha! I hope it all works out this time. I'm only telling you because I can't tell anyone else, and none of you know her. Lol.
I feel better tonight, though I'm just trying not to think ahead to tomorrow afternoon when I shall be dying my hair just plain blue-black. How depressingly boring. I LOVE MY BLUE/PINK/PURPLE HAIR. I think I might enjoy working at Bailey's though. It's kind of quirky, has much better music compared to Store21, and there's Millie the cat! Though I think she's just being indulged at the moment because she had a car accident not long ago. Indulged to the point of being allowed to have a fight with a vintage carpet runner on sale for £260 ♥
I'm still alloting a vast amount of brainpower to tattoos. I've got a few ideas floating around but I'm going to let them all sit on a back burner to see which ones die out and which stay alive. I'm seriously contemplating a spike of orchids starting on my right ribs and finishing in the middle of my back.
Hope you are all okay :]
xxxxxxxxxxxx
SO. I've not been at work much this week, due to lack of hours for me on the rota. I did Sunday, and it was fine. Apart from the money in the safe seemed to be wrong - £5 out somewhere, but I really didn't know what I should do to make it right, or even if there was anything I could do, so I left it. When I went in yesterday, I was hauled in to the office by Josie, to be told that "Toni was really cross about the state of the floor on Monday morning. Alison had rung to find out what Toni had thought of the shop floor when she went in on Monday" meaning that she must have been to the shop to see that the front mat had not been hovered, "and the safe float was wrong, could you please make sure you count it properly".
Her whole manner made me feel so SMALL. And rubbish at my job. And I spent a restless night panicking that Toni was going to be really awful to me when I got there this morning. Honestly, Josie really has been very odd lately.
If Alison really had been by the shop just to find faults with it for fun, she must be such a sad little person. Does she not have anything better to do? Lol. And if she came to see the shop properly, surely she should know the opening hours of one of her own stores? Pfft.
Also, on Thursday I took my CV over the road to Bailey's because my mum pointed out an advert in the paper a few weeks ago, for a full time sales person. I hadn't done anything about it because, a]I'm lazy and b]I'm forgetful. I thought they'd probably have found someone by now, but I decided that at least the might take my CV anyway and keep it if any other jobs came up. But as soon as I got home again, Sally Bailey phoned me to go in for a chat. Which I duly did, and I have a one day trial on Monday. I'll get paid, which is great, BUT I have to dye over my hair. I can understand why, but my agreement to do so induced a deep unhappiness akin to moping because I DO NOT WANT TO DO IT.
It sounds silly, but it feels like YAY, possibility of new job, but BOO for I cannot be myself anymore. My hair is an expression of who I am. It's taken me most of my life to come to grips with who I am, and how I show that, but now it feels like it's being taken away from me.
So, last night my head was just going round and round thinking; "I hate my job and the only alternative is one where I cannot be who I want to be". I tried to explain how I felt to my mum and she just doesn't get it. She's the sort of person who just takes things as they are, and I've started to turn away from that attitude, to one where I think, "Why should I have to stand for that? Why should I have to be what other people want me to be?". I am a rebel at heart and there's only so much I can take.
Add in to that major hormones and you get 'I don't think I can fulfil anyone's expectations of me, I'll never be good enough for anyone'
In reality, Toni was fine this morning. She is so much better at telling me what she wants from me without being nasty, or patronising, or belittling, which is why she is a Manager and Josie is an Assistant Manager. Plus, when was the last time Josie counted the till floats and got it right?! Fucking forever ago. She's forever over banking or underbanking. And Toni said she also went to count the safe float on Tuesday and got the same as me so she can go fuck herself. She's been really weird lately and is not just getting to me. Jan and Brenda are off her atm, so I'm clearly not the only one she's been annoying to.
I told her about the Bailey's job, and she's pleased that I've found something with more hours. I don't think it'll make much difference to her if I leave just before Christmas, I'm hardly on the rota anyway!
OH and she explained the weird, sudden, I'M GOING HOME from last week. She's pregnant!!! :D Only eight weeks, so she's not really told many people, though more than she wanted to I think. She had to tell Alison, and Josie overheard, so she had to tell Jan because Josie would have done it given half the chance. She hasn't even told her own mother yet. The reason being, she's had three miscarriages over the years, and this is the result of IVF. It's early days for her. I am really happy for her though! Her last egg count showed she had three eggs, so now she's paranoid that she's going to have triplets.. hahaha! I hope it all works out this time. I'm only telling you because I can't tell anyone else, and none of you know her. Lol.
I feel better tonight, though I'm just trying not to think ahead to tomorrow afternoon when I shall be dying my hair just plain blue-black. How depressingly boring. I LOVE MY BLUE/PINK/PURPLE HAIR. I think I might enjoy working at Bailey's though. It's kind of quirky, has much better music compared to Store21, and there's Millie the cat! Though I think she's just being indulged at the moment because she had a car accident not long ago. Indulged to the point of being allowed to have a fight with a vintage carpet runner on sale for £260 ♥
I'm still alloting a vast amount of brainpower to tattoos. I've got a few ideas floating around but I'm going to let them all sit on a back burner to see which ones die out and which stay alive. I'm seriously contemplating a spike of orchids starting on my right ribs and finishing in the middle of my back.
Hope you are all okay :]
xxxxxxxxxxxx