(no subject)
I don't know who I am, I guess. Generally if I think on this I guess I remember who I was. Maybe I think I am what people tell me, wouldn't you believe it if everyone said the exact same thing? How many people can be wrong? When I think of who I am now most "traits" I come up with are ones that can lead to I guess an obsessive need for control or just represents efforts to stabilize life, which is high unstable period. I guess I'd agree that I have an intense fear of abandonment. Ask my ex-husband what happened when he tried to leave. I think that's why I cling to him so much, because I feel he at least knows what I'm capable of even if he doesn't understand it. He's seen all my flaws and still talks to me regardless. I can't say that about Ryan. He hasn't seen how bad I can get. I try to protect him from it. The fact that he has no interest in leaving me and I don't need to do anything in our relationship to keep it going I think protects him more. There is no threat or perceived threat so why should I respond in such an extreme way? Anyway, if I am so scared of people leaving me, how did I get like this? I guess I can start on the list of most recent "abandonments."
Ryan and I recently got into a fight where the shit almost hit the fan. I was crying so hard and feeling such pain like he was literally stabbing a knife through my heart. I felt he verbally degraded me, and maybe he did. But it was so stressful I can't remember. This was after I hit him repeatedly. I learned not to do that anymore because he blocks good and it hurts me more when I strike his arms. Finally, he caved, and felt really guilty and I used this time of emotional weakness to manipulate him on purpose, and then told him how I did it.
He left me alone in a hotel room once. That made me pretty upset. But the physical distance was no where near the emotional distance he put between us that night. And that felt like it genuinely hurt me.
OR it could be that time we just had sex for the first time and I told him I loved him and he still went to Colorado even though he had a choice and could have stayed in Florida, with me, which he said he wanted to, but guess not really. Yeah I'm still mad about it.
Several times after our separation, Jeff would act affectionately toward me only to withdraw that whenever I was not in arm's length, I guess it could be because I sucked it out of him. I know the "me" he likes and of course, if you wanted something, wouldn't you repeat a behavior you knew got you what you wanted? I should be fair and say 3/4 of the time I'd hit the deep end before the dissolution of our escapades.
The actual divorce pretty much screams abandonment.
One night we got into a fight where he left which only put me into panic, fight or flight mode, and he called the cops on me. Not because he was afraid for himself, but he thought I'd kill myself. Like I'd kill myself over a man, I'm too much of a feminazi for that.
If someone gets off the phone with me for what I deem an invalid reason, I feel abandoned. I soon acquired "ways," I don't know how they work or why, but I can sucker people in another good 2 hours on the phone with me after they've said their initial good byes. Enough for me to cope with the fact they are leaving and I'll be ok with it.
Lots of my relatives have died but honestly, it doesn't really phase me.
I guess Jake abandoned me for drugs. Or his friends. I don't think he ever left me persay. But of course there were times where we fought and I felt unloved and suicidal, sure. I stopped cutting because he told me if I did it again he'd never talk to me, and while I can't even recall the last time we spoke out of mutual desire, that's still a bridge I won't cross. We don't talk anymore and 99% of the time I don't care what he thinks unless he's around me, and it's like this game, try to see how much I can sucker out of him despite whatever girlfriend he has at the time. But anyway, should he not give me what I want, I'd still probably go bat shit crazy on him.
Sarah never abandoned me, she just abandoned her kid, which pisses me off.
And there are things as a little kid I guess could make you feel like someone isn't coming back.
My mom took me to swimming lessons once. I was about 4 and could count numbers. Putting a kid in 9 feet deep of water with a stranger and no floatie is NOT a good idea. The way this swim class worked was they'd put your mom on the other side of the pool so you would swim like hell to get to her and OUT of that pool. Oh.my.god. I've always had this sense of mortality, I was fully aware I could have drowned and died, and I knew I couldn't swim. So why the hell would she do that to me? Needless to say, I never went back but did go to a swim class where we started off sitting on the steps and in 3 feet of water which I could at least touch the bottom.
I hated the day my sister went back home. I'm sure I cried and screamed about it, and wrapped myself around her leg like a dead weight, which I used to do when
My dad would go to AA meetings a lot, I think once a week? Yeah, I didn't like that.
And probably the first memory I have of the feeling, "OMG why is this person leaving me, what did I do wrong? Why don't they like me?" was the daily ritual of being dropped off in the hell hole by my mother so aptly called day CARE. I loved most of my teachers, and by lunch time I'd perk up. There was a cool play ground and lots of cool toys. But Mrs. Fudge was the worst. I can specifically remember my mom dropping me off and I was clinging to her purse strap while Mrs. Fudge pulled me the other way. My mom still jokes about how much I hated that lady, and even in grade school would threaten that if I didn't behave she would call her.
I can acknowledge none of these were real abandonment. Everyone came back. But I'm thinking writing this all out and admitting my view of what's happened in my life will help me understand the things I do.
Ryan and I recently got into a fight where the shit almost hit the fan. I was crying so hard and feeling such pain like he was literally stabbing a knife through my heart. I felt he verbally degraded me, and maybe he did. But it was so stressful I can't remember. This was after I hit him repeatedly. I learned not to do that anymore because he blocks good and it hurts me more when I strike his arms. Finally, he caved, and felt really guilty and I used this time of emotional weakness to manipulate him on purpose, and then told him how I did it.
He left me alone in a hotel room once. That made me pretty upset. But the physical distance was no where near the emotional distance he put between us that night. And that felt like it genuinely hurt me.
OR it could be that time we just had sex for the first time and I told him I loved him and he still went to Colorado even though he had a choice and could have stayed in Florida, with me, which he said he wanted to, but guess not really. Yeah I'm still mad about it.
Several times after our separation, Jeff would act affectionately toward me only to withdraw that whenever I was not in arm's length, I guess it could be because I sucked it out of him. I know the "me" he likes and of course, if you wanted something, wouldn't you repeat a behavior you knew got you what you wanted? I should be fair and say 3/4 of the time I'd hit the deep end before the dissolution of our escapades.
The actual divorce pretty much screams abandonment.
One night we got into a fight where he left which only put me into panic, fight or flight mode, and he called the cops on me. Not because he was afraid for himself, but he thought I'd kill myself. Like I'd kill myself over a man, I'm too much of a feminazi for that.
If someone gets off the phone with me for what I deem an invalid reason, I feel abandoned. I soon acquired "ways," I don't know how they work or why, but I can sucker people in another good 2 hours on the phone with me after they've said their initial good byes. Enough for me to cope with the fact they are leaving and I'll be ok with it.
Lots of my relatives have died but honestly, it doesn't really phase me.
I guess Jake abandoned me for drugs. Or his friends. I don't think he ever left me persay. But of course there were times where we fought and I felt unloved and suicidal, sure. I stopped cutting because he told me if I did it again he'd never talk to me, and while I can't even recall the last time we spoke out of mutual desire, that's still a bridge I won't cross. We don't talk anymore and 99% of the time I don't care what he thinks unless he's around me, and it's like this game, try to see how much I can sucker out of him despite whatever girlfriend he has at the time. But anyway, should he not give me what I want, I'd still probably go bat shit crazy on him.
Sarah never abandoned me, she just abandoned her kid, which pisses me off.
And there are things as a little kid I guess could make you feel like someone isn't coming back.
My mom took me to swimming lessons once. I was about 4 and could count numbers. Putting a kid in 9 feet deep of water with a stranger and no floatie is NOT a good idea. The way this swim class worked was they'd put your mom on the other side of the pool so you would swim like hell to get to her and OUT of that pool. Oh.my.god. I've always had this sense of mortality, I was fully aware I could have drowned and died, and I knew I couldn't swim. So why the hell would she do that to me? Needless to say, I never went back but did go to a swim class where we started off sitting on the steps and in 3 feet of water which I could at least touch the bottom.
I hated the day my sister went back home. I'm sure I cried and screamed about it, and wrapped myself around her leg like a dead weight, which I used to do when
My dad would go to AA meetings a lot, I think once a week? Yeah, I didn't like that.
And probably the first memory I have of the feeling, "OMG why is this person leaving me, what did I do wrong? Why don't they like me?" was the daily ritual of being dropped off in the hell hole by my mother so aptly called day CARE. I loved most of my teachers, and by lunch time I'd perk up. There was a cool play ground and lots of cool toys. But Mrs. Fudge was the worst. I can specifically remember my mom dropping me off and I was clinging to her purse strap while Mrs. Fudge pulled me the other way. My mom still jokes about how much I hated that lady, and even in grade school would threaten that if I didn't behave she would call her.
I can acknowledge none of these were real abandonment. Everyone came back. But I'm thinking writing this all out and admitting my view of what's happened in my life will help me understand the things I do.