Jul 24, 2007 20:06
Recently i have been absorbed in a book called 'Kafka on the Shore'. It's a beautiful book and i have recently decided that it is my favorite. I suggest you all read it. A lot the book talks about is how i feel... but then again i feel that way about lots of books.
moving on..
lately i have been overwhelmed. i have been feeling so many emotions in a short amount of time. i have felt betrayed, happy, jealouse, depressed, anxious, excited, lied to, nervous, scared, dissapointed, giddy.. the list goes on. i just can't take it anymore. i have cried in secret in the middle of the night, i think of obscure unrealistic surreal things, i throw myself into my books. This past week i have read over 500 pages. Kafka on the Shore is a 450 page book but i have also read half of 'Blink' which is a long enough book, and i have finished 'The perks of being a wallflower'. Don't get me wrong, i absolutely love reading. i feel like i am in a whole different world. I feel like i am the main charactor of the story that i am reading. It's a fantastic feeling. But when i put my book down i get very depressed, my life isn't at all like the heros of these stories that i read... and i am lonely and things don't always go the way i feel they should.
...
*sigh*
annyways...
my mother has been dragging me around with her..not telling me her plans or what we are doing. It's becoming very irritating. It's also very hot out and i can't sleep at nights... i have many mosquito bites and i have been having very strange dreams, i wake up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat with my heart racing.
i wonder what i am afraid of.
i dont understand these turkish women... i'm not sure if it's women in general but all turkish women get together... force each other to eat, and 75% of their conversation is them just complimenting themselves and one another. They talk about how great they are, all the good things they have done. I feel like it's all empty.. i sit and listen quietly and when i can no longer take it i pull out my book from my bag (i take my book everywhere with me..just incase) and start reading and forget about it all. the thing is all their compliments feel empty and fake. and they all talk about how they did good things, like gave money to the poor or how much they love others... but if you do a good deed or have a good heart... doesn't bragging about it just make it that much less sincere, that much less meaningfull.
i have thought about this a lot.
i was thinking about how people say "those who mind don't matter, those who matter won't mind" but i don't agree. I think everyone matters. Being a good person means taking everyones feelings into consideration... even the people who mind.
everyone talks about how great one of my cousins are... how smart and pretty and amazing and golden hearted. i found myself becoming jealouse.. ... later i felt very ashamed for feeling this way. i feel like i need to cleanse my soul or something. i just want to be a better person. my turkish isn't that good so i cant say the nice things i would like to. i usually just sit around quietly and smile and talk a little bit.. i just feel embaressed that's all. but when they talk about my other cousin and how great she is they don't seem to realize that i'm sitting right there and can understand every single word they say and it makes me feel bad. not that i want attention or anything... i just feel like... i dont know.
i think an example is needed
lets say there are two kids with their mothers sick. one of the kids mother becomes better and the others is slowly dying.. should the one whose mother is getting better talk a lot about how his/her mother is getting better when the other kids mom is dying. it would make the kid feel bad, depressed, alone, scared, .. but most of all the kid would find it all just too unfair.
it's just not fair.
now.. no ones mother is sick , thank God. I'm just saying.
sometimes when you are talking .. you just never know who you make hurt. but i'm a big girl and i need to get over it.
i just hope people think i'm a nice person too.
or maybe i am just a baby.
there has been a lot of crying going around lately. my mother has been visiting her mothers friends. my grandma died when my mother was 18 so this made visiting these old friends very sad for my mom...
and when my mom gets sad... i get sad too.
...
things have just been complicated lately.
i can't stay in contact with the people i want to as much as i'd like. I have been getting bad thoughts. I have been very scared and worried and tense and nervouse.
i don't know.
i just need a hug.
or at least someone to talk to.