I need a reality check
I can't keep going on these massive b/p sprees and pretending it's okay. Between yesterday night and today I've just...ugh. I feel like I've drained all the water from every cell in my body. My face and neck are so sore and swollen, my head is pounding, I slept for 11 hours last night and still feel like shit. I think the purging is especially hard on my body lately because when I purge I've become obsessed with getting out absolutely as much as possible so I rinse, puke, weigh, rinse, puke weigh until I'm the weight I was before the binge or lower.
I've been really working on acceptance lately - of myself, of other people, of what my life is. It's helped me so much to think of things this way. It makes me feel much better to know that I can't change other people, and I'm allowed to just forgive people even when they have hurt me and accept them for who they are - and the same with myself. I might never be "normal." I might never be a social butterfly with the perfect life and tons of friends and married at 25 with 2.2 kids. I'm allowed to make mistakes and have struggles and even be a complete dork and a weirdo - it doesn't make me a bad person.
However I feel like there's a difference between acceptance and complacency. I can accept myself...but there are things in my life that I should not accept. Maybe I will never be 100% cool about food but it's not okay to just accept the continual strain of my ED on my body.
Because I've been feeling really good otherwise I've been shrugging off the ED issue more than I should - Everyone has body issues, it's just a fucked up thing I do, I'll stop eventually, when I get back down to _____, it's not that bad... but I feel like I'm losing sight of the fact that I'm actually putting myself in danger. I'm in denial almost and I try to convince myself that it's more healthy to purge than to allow all that junk in my body and make me obese again which is also unhealthy. When really, I just need to at least freaking try to eat somewhat more normally and stop freely allowing myself to binge whenever I feel like it just because I can. It's like I feel almost childishly rebellious about the whole thing :/ I've been trying to balance good eating days (meaning where I just restrict) with the b/p ones,so as to not let things get "too bad" but inevitably you can't straddle that line forever and I have to admit this is really not healthy or acceptable.
I'm glad I got a few gift cards and not just cash for Christmas (not that I can use them yet anyway, because I need to ~lose more weight (LOL sure) before I'm allowing myself to spend them) because otherwise I'd just keep spending more on food. When I used to only binge yeah I gained a shit ton of weight but at least I wasn't making myself broke because I can go through a hell of a lot more food when I binge and purge and binge and purge than when I just binged and let the food chill there.
I NEED to make next week a good week.
School seems like it's going well though. French is going to be really tough. I haven't done french in a year and a half, and apparently GV's french 101 learns some past tenses that we definitey did not do. I have a lot of catching up to do. :/
But stats is oddly easy so far. I think it's because I already had a U of M 100 level stats class, and honestly we learned more in one day in my U of M class than we have all week so far even though this is supposedly higher level. I think U of M has harder stats classes so I'm going to luck out there because this class equals the credit of U of M's stat 350. Anatomy is supposed to really tough, and I've definitely got my work cut out for me there but I'm good at memorizing when I need to be. And I like my chem teacher a lot. And I actually went to ALL of my classes this week and plan on doing the same this time - no more skipping and no more getting behind this semester. :P
I've been really working on acceptance lately - of myself, of other people, of what my life is. It's helped me so much to think of things this way. It makes me feel much better to know that I can't change other people, and I'm allowed to just forgive people even when they have hurt me and accept them for who they are - and the same with myself. I might never be "normal." I might never be a social butterfly with the perfect life and tons of friends and married at 25 with 2.2 kids. I'm allowed to make mistakes and have struggles and even be a complete dork and a weirdo - it doesn't make me a bad person.
However I feel like there's a difference between acceptance and complacency. I can accept myself...but there are things in my life that I should not accept. Maybe I will never be 100% cool about food but it's not okay to just accept the continual strain of my ED on my body.
Because I've been feeling really good otherwise I've been shrugging off the ED issue more than I should - Everyone has body issues, it's just a fucked up thing I do, I'll stop eventually, when I get back down to _____, it's not that bad... but I feel like I'm losing sight of the fact that I'm actually putting myself in danger. I'm in denial almost and I try to convince myself that it's more healthy to purge than to allow all that junk in my body and make me obese again which is also unhealthy. When really, I just need to at least freaking try to eat somewhat more normally and stop freely allowing myself to binge whenever I feel like it just because I can. It's like I feel almost childishly rebellious about the whole thing :/ I've been trying to balance good eating days (meaning where I just restrict) with the b/p ones,so as to not let things get "too bad" but inevitably you can't straddle that line forever and I have to admit this is really not healthy or acceptable.
I'm glad I got a few gift cards and not just cash for Christmas (not that I can use them yet anyway, because I need to ~lose more weight (LOL sure) before I'm allowing myself to spend them) because otherwise I'd just keep spending more on food. When I used to only binge yeah I gained a shit ton of weight but at least I wasn't making myself broke because I can go through a hell of a lot more food when I binge and purge and binge and purge than when I just binged and let the food chill there.
I NEED to make next week a good week.
School seems like it's going well though. French is going to be really tough. I haven't done french in a year and a half, and apparently GV's french 101 learns some past tenses that we definitey did not do. I have a lot of catching up to do. :/
But stats is oddly easy so far. I think it's because I already had a U of M 100 level stats class, and honestly we learned more in one day in my U of M class than we have all week so far even though this is supposedly higher level. I think U of M has harder stats classes so I'm going to luck out there because this class equals the credit of U of M's stat 350. Anatomy is supposed to really tough, and I've definitely got my work cut out for me there but I'm good at memorizing when I need to be. And I like my chem teacher a lot. And I actually went to ALL of my classes this week and plan on doing the same this time - no more skipping and no more getting behind this semester. :P