Twilight By Numbers
So I just got back from seeing New Moon with my friends.
Yes, you read that correctly. I was that desperate to get out of the apartment. It was crazy.
To start, I truly did enjoy the movie. I was in need of a good laugh, and the movie definitely provided one. Best comedy of the year, right there. It also made me feel 110% better about my life, so that was definitely something.
So let's follow the title of the song entry and do this by numbers.
New Moon - Number of:
Times I laughed when a scene wasn't supposed to be funny: Somewhere in the double digits
Audible facepalms: Four
Minutes I was on Team Jacob: About 45
That's What She Said jokes: One, but it was too epic to follow up
Times I nearly burst into song: Four
Muses set off during the movie: Two - J and DEATH
Fursplosions: Three
Dead vampires: One (sadly)
Nostalgia Critic references: One, ongoing
Times Bella tried to commit suicide: Three
Times Bella succeeded: Zero dammit
Therapists in Forks, WA: Zero
Hospitals in Forks, WA: Zero
Dollars I spent on this movie: Eleven and a half, not including popcorn
Minutes I thought the movie was actually cool: About fifteen
And because I'm out of numbers, have a plot summary!
HOKAY SO
HERE'S THE WORLD
...yeah I can't do the entire summary in that voice. It's too late and I'm too tired.
So we start with Bella's birthday! Which is boring and has a lot of her woe-ing about how she'll age and Edward won't and he won't want her when she looks like her grandma, oh noes. Then there's a SUPRAIZ!EXCEPTNOTREALLY!party at the Cullens' house, and she gets a papercut that BLEEDS LIKE WHOA (Bella, hemophiliac extraordinaire) and to keep Jasper from eating her Edward throws her into a table full of vases and picture frames and other assorted glass things that shatter and cut her arm up. A lot. I guess thinking is difficult when your brain hasn't gotten blood flow for a century, huh.
So then we have this awesome scene with Carlisle or however the hell you spell his name pulling glass out of her cuts and stitching her up with a needle and thread and her just standing there talking to him, calm as anything. As somebody who's had stitches and topical anesthetic, THAT SHIT HURTS. Funny that in a movie about sparklepires and fursplody, the thing that breaks my suspension of disbelief is a scene about stitches.
But wait! Let's timeskip a few days, ladies and gentlemen, because we're not done angsting yet. Cue the world's smallest violin.
BASICALLY. People have noticed that the vampires aren't aging and so they have to leave Forks, ohnoes. Edward tells Bella they must go and cannot take her. She woes.
This is actually where the epic "that's what she said" joke comes in. Bella argues with Edward - she wants to go with him.
Bella: I'm coming!
Me: That's what she said.
Edward: I don't want you to come.
...Yeah, I couldn't top that.
So Edward moves away, and Bella is sad. In a montage in which nothing happens, we get a rotating shot of her sitting in a chair and staring out the window as seasons change and four months pass holy shit what kind of parent leaves their daughter comatose for four months. I mean, I get that Charlie's not the greatest parent ever, but four months? Seriously? Did nobody think to get her a therapist? Some drugs? A straitjacket?
You know. Something like that. Yeah.
So she just wooooooooes and refuses to go back to live with her mom and instead goes out with one of her human friends (holy shit she has those? They don't show up very much, do they) and looks over at a couple of bikers hitting on them and starts hallucinating Edward is there.
Let me type that again: she sees a dangerous situation and hallucinates Edward telling her not to do stupid things.
She, of course, proceeds to do said stupid things, and then purposefully goes out of her way to find stupid things to do so she can hallucinate Edward playing Jiminy Cricket and telling her not to do stupid shit. Remember, ladies and gentlemen: Give a little whistle and always let your vampire be your guide.
So she takes these broken-down motorcycles to Jacob and goes LOL LET'S FIX 'EM. Needless to say, she spends a lot of time with him, and the hole in her heart feels fixed, yay! What a great repairman. He's also really hot. Good times.
In case you can't tell, that's the point where I joined Team Jacob. Yeayuh. I like my eye candy alive. :Db
Somewhere in here, the dreadlocks vampire from the previous movie shows up and threatens her a bit and tells her Victoria *BUM BUM BUUUUUUUUM* is here to try to kill her. This is when a pack of werewolves hunts him down and rips his head off and it's really, really cool. Kind of sad that the most epic part of the movie was only about forty minutes in, huh.
And then THINGS CHANGE and Jacob can no longer hang out with Bella, oh noes. He also can't tell her why. So she, like a dipshit, goes and tracks him down and slaps one of the guys in this little gang-thing he's joined. Slapped guy then fursplodes and attempts to kill her. Oops. Jacob then fursplodes and has a wolfly beatdown with slapped guy-wolf, and other wolves take Bella to the fiancee of the wolfgang leader, who is all scarred up and a living lesson as to what happens when you date a guy prone to sudden fursplosions and snaps of temper. The makeup on her is better than Edward's makeup.
SO THERE ARE FURSPLOSIONS AND VAMPIRE POLITICS and Bella jumps off a cliff. And nearly dies. While indie rock plays and she hallucinates her sparklepire in the water with her. Cue slow applause.
And then Alice shows up and goes HOLY SHIT I SAW YOU JUMP OFF A CLIFF WHAT IS YOUR ISSUE GIRL JESUS. That's about when I decide I like Alice. She's cool. Of course, Jacob has to show up and go FE FI FO FUM I SMELL BLOODSUCKER and make her leave so he and Bella can talk.
And make out. Alriiiiiiight.
Only to be interrupted by the phone. Caller on the other end asks for Charlie. Jacob's answer: "He's not here. He's arranging a funeral."
Cut to poor woeful Edward, crushing his cell phone in SPARKLY GRIEF.
That's the point where I disaffiliated with any Twilight team and returned to my original opinion of THEY'RE ALL MORONS.
This, of course, is the point where Edward decides to go sparkle himself to death, because that's a brilliant plan and then the Volturi (read: flamboyantly gay vampire royalty) will have to kill him! It's brilliant! Brilliant! Genius, I tell you!
Or, to save on plane fare, I could just poison him with this.
Of course, the movie spent the money on plane fares and had to use cheap MAH SPARKELS ARE PASTEDE ON YAY effects as a result. Worst. Suicide. Ever. This includes Bella's cliff diving, mind you, and that's tough to beat.
Bella prevents him from doing it at the last possible minute for maximum drama! And then they give him a crimson velvet robe - you know, instead of picking up his shirt up from where it's lying on the floor at his feet - and take them all to see the Volturi again.
Now, for those of you who watch the Nostalgia Critic, do you remember the Warriors of Virtue review? The one with the kangaroo martial artists and the crazy-ass villain who should have his own Saturday morning cartoon? Well, guess who plays the head of the Volturi.
Hint: It ain't a kangaroo.
I loved the scenes with the Volturi, personally. The fighting was dumb, but the head guy acted like a perpetually confounded snake. He'd stare and make funny hand gestures and say things like "well isn't that interesting" and "someone with your gifts would make an interesting immortal" and cock his head to the side and just generally be hilariously creepy. I loved it.
That's about when they decided that Bella would be a vampire. Okay. Then she decided that she'd wait until after graduation "to make it easier on Charlie." Yeah, because she's been so concerned about Charlie this whole movie. Nevermind that she ran off to Italy without telling him. GJ there, girl.
Of course, we have a lovely scene with her waking up and Edward being next to her in her room. Evidently this is a normal and comforting occurrence. He then tells her to go back to sleep and not to worry because he'll "still be here when you wake up." I don't know, that would just make me worry more, especially coupled with, "Don't worry, I'm technically not breaking any of [Charlie's] rules. He said I can't step foot in the door. I came in through the window." OH MY GOD IN WHAT WORLD IS THIS OKAY.
Twilight world, evidently. Why do I even ask those questions anymore.
We end with Edward asking telling Bella to marry him AND THE SCREEN GOES DARK OMG WHAT A CLIFFHANGER WHATEVER SHALL WE DO.
Pay eleven and a half bucks a pop for the next movie, evidently. They've already got advertisements for it up.
The most interesting part of this is, everyone had chemistry with each other except Edward and Bella. They had none whatsoever. I got bored when they were together. Funny how that works, huh.
I'll admit I had a great time at the movie. I'll proudly add on that it was mostly because I was shamelessly laughing my ass off for most of said movie. I'm waiting for it to hit the dollar theater and/or YouTube and then sitting down and really sporking it with a friend. Anybody up for it? :Db
Yes, you read that correctly. I was that desperate to get out of the apartment. It was crazy.
To start, I truly did enjoy the movie. I was in need of a good laugh, and the movie definitely provided one. Best comedy of the year, right there. It also made me feel 110% better about my life, so that was definitely something.
So let's follow the title of the song entry and do this by numbers.
New Moon - Number of:
Times I laughed when a scene wasn't supposed to be funny: Somewhere in the double digits
Audible facepalms: Four
Minutes I was on Team Jacob: About 45
That's What She Said jokes: One, but it was too epic to follow up
Times I nearly burst into song: Four
Muses set off during the movie: Two - J and DEATH
Fursplosions: Three
Dead vampires: One (sadly)
Nostalgia Critic references: One, ongoing
Times Bella tried to commit suicide: Three
Times Bella succeeded: Zero dammit
Therapists in Forks, WA: Zero
Hospitals in Forks, WA: Zero
Dollars I spent on this movie: Eleven and a half, not including popcorn
Minutes I thought the movie was actually cool: About fifteen
And because I'm out of numbers, have a plot summary!
HOKAY SO
HERE'S THE WORLD
...yeah I can't do the entire summary in that voice. It's too late and I'm too tired.
So we start with Bella's birthday! Which is boring and has a lot of her woe-ing about how she'll age and Edward won't and he won't want her when she looks like her grandma, oh noes. Then there's a SUPRAIZ!EXCEPTNOTREALLY!party at the Cullens' house, and she gets a papercut that BLEEDS LIKE WHOA (Bella, hemophiliac extraordinaire) and to keep Jasper from eating her Edward throws her into a table full of vases and picture frames and other assorted glass things that shatter and cut her arm up. A lot. I guess thinking is difficult when your brain hasn't gotten blood flow for a century, huh.
So then we have this awesome scene with Carlisle or however the hell you spell his name pulling glass out of her cuts and stitching her up with a needle and thread and her just standing there talking to him, calm as anything. As somebody who's had stitches and topical anesthetic, THAT SHIT HURTS. Funny that in a movie about sparklepires and fursplody, the thing that breaks my suspension of disbelief is a scene about stitches.
But wait! Let's timeskip a few days, ladies and gentlemen, because we're not done angsting yet. Cue the world's smallest violin.
BASICALLY. People have noticed that the vampires aren't aging and so they have to leave Forks, ohnoes. Edward tells Bella they must go and cannot take her. She woes.
This is actually where the epic "that's what she said" joke comes in. Bella argues with Edward - she wants to go with him.
Bella: I'm coming!
Me: That's what she said.
Edward: I don't want you to come.
...Yeah, I couldn't top that.
So Edward moves away, and Bella is sad. In a montage in which nothing happens, we get a rotating shot of her sitting in a chair and staring out the window as seasons change and four months pass holy shit what kind of parent leaves their daughter comatose for four months. I mean, I get that Charlie's not the greatest parent ever, but four months? Seriously? Did nobody think to get her a therapist? Some drugs? A straitjacket?
You know. Something like that. Yeah.
So she just wooooooooes and refuses to go back to live with her mom and instead goes out with one of her human friends (holy shit she has those? They don't show up very much, do they) and looks over at a couple of bikers hitting on them and starts hallucinating Edward is there.
Let me type that again: she sees a dangerous situation and hallucinates Edward telling her not to do stupid things.
She, of course, proceeds to do said stupid things, and then purposefully goes out of her way to find stupid things to do so she can hallucinate Edward playing Jiminy Cricket and telling her not to do stupid shit. Remember, ladies and gentlemen: Give a little whistle and always let your vampire be your guide.
So she takes these broken-down motorcycles to Jacob and goes LOL LET'S FIX 'EM. Needless to say, she spends a lot of time with him, and the hole in her heart feels fixed, yay! What a great repairman. He's also really hot. Good times.
In case you can't tell, that's the point where I joined Team Jacob. Yeayuh. I like my eye candy alive. :Db
Somewhere in here, the dreadlocks vampire from the previous movie shows up and threatens her a bit and tells her Victoria *BUM BUM BUUUUUUUUM* is here to try to kill her. This is when a pack of werewolves hunts him down and rips his head off and it's really, really cool. Kind of sad that the most epic part of the movie was only about forty minutes in, huh.
And then THINGS CHANGE and Jacob can no longer hang out with Bella, oh noes. He also can't tell her why. So she, like a dipshit, goes and tracks him down and slaps one of the guys in this little gang-thing he's joined. Slapped guy then fursplodes and attempts to kill her. Oops. Jacob then fursplodes and has a wolfly beatdown with slapped guy-wolf, and other wolves take Bella to the fiancee of the wolfgang leader, who is all scarred up and a living lesson as to what happens when you date a guy prone to sudden fursplosions and snaps of temper. The makeup on her is better than Edward's makeup.
SO THERE ARE FURSPLOSIONS AND VAMPIRE POLITICS and Bella jumps off a cliff. And nearly dies. While indie rock plays and she hallucinates her sparklepire in the water with her. Cue slow applause.
And then Alice shows up and goes HOLY SHIT I SAW YOU JUMP OFF A CLIFF WHAT IS YOUR ISSUE GIRL JESUS. That's about when I decide I like Alice. She's cool. Of course, Jacob has to show up and go FE FI FO FUM I SMELL BLOODSUCKER and make her leave so he and Bella can talk.
And make out. Alriiiiiiight.
Only to be interrupted by the phone. Caller on the other end asks for Charlie. Jacob's answer: "He's not here. He's arranging a funeral."
Cut to poor woeful Edward, crushing his cell phone in SPARKLY GRIEF.
That's the point where I disaffiliated with any Twilight team and returned to my original opinion of THEY'RE ALL MORONS.
This, of course, is the point where Edward decides to go sparkle himself to death, because that's a brilliant plan and then the Volturi (read: flamboyantly gay vampire royalty) will have to kill him! It's brilliant! Brilliant! Genius, I tell you!
Or, to save on plane fare, I could just poison him with this.
Of course, the movie spent the money on plane fares and had to use cheap MAH SPARKELS ARE PASTEDE ON YAY effects as a result. Worst. Suicide. Ever. This includes Bella's cliff diving, mind you, and that's tough to beat.
Bella prevents him from doing it at the last possible minute for maximum drama! And then they give him a crimson velvet robe - you know, instead of picking up his shirt up from where it's lying on the floor at his feet - and take them all to see the Volturi again.
Now, for those of you who watch the Nostalgia Critic, do you remember the Warriors of Virtue review? The one with the kangaroo martial artists and the crazy-ass villain who should have his own Saturday morning cartoon? Well, guess who plays the head of the Volturi.
Hint: It ain't a kangaroo.
I loved the scenes with the Volturi, personally. The fighting was dumb, but the head guy acted like a perpetually confounded snake. He'd stare and make funny hand gestures and say things like "well isn't that interesting" and "someone with your gifts would make an interesting immortal" and cock his head to the side and just generally be hilariously creepy. I loved it.
That's about when they decided that Bella would be a vampire. Okay. Then she decided that she'd wait until after graduation "to make it easier on Charlie." Yeah, because she's been so concerned about Charlie this whole movie. Nevermind that she ran off to Italy without telling him. GJ there, girl.
Of course, we have a lovely scene with her waking up and Edward being next to her in her room. Evidently this is a normal and comforting occurrence. He then tells her to go back to sleep and not to worry because he'll "still be here when you wake up." I don't know, that would just make me worry more, especially coupled with, "Don't worry, I'm technically not breaking any of [Charlie's] rules. He said I can't step foot in the door. I came in through the window." OH MY GOD IN WHAT WORLD IS THIS OKAY.
Twilight world, evidently. Why do I even ask those questions anymore.
We end with Edward asking telling Bella to marry him AND THE SCREEN GOES DARK OMG WHAT A CLIFFHANGER WHATEVER SHALL WE DO.
Pay eleven and a half bucks a pop for the next movie, evidently. They've already got advertisements for it up.
The most interesting part of this is, everyone had chemistry with each other except Edward and Bella. They had none whatsoever. I got bored when they were together. Funny how that works, huh.
I'll admit I had a great time at the movie. I'll proudly add on that it was mostly because I was shamelessly laughing my ass off for most of said movie. I'm waiting for it to hit the dollar theater and/or YouTube and then sitting down and really sporking it with a friend. Anybody up for it? :Db