JE Fic: Beautiful Days, Koki/Kame, PG-13
Title: Beautiful Days
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: KAT-TUN; Koki/Kame
Summary: Kame makes him laugh, and sometimes, if he's lucky, he can make Kame laugh too.
Prompt: News - Summer Time
Warnings: Angst, unrequited love.
Notes: Thank you to my betas for the handholding and crying and for making this presentable.
i. Since I met you before summer, the best wave is coming. I want you to know my sweet emotion.
Things are different after he leaves. No one wants to talk about it, but Koki's angry, Kame's guilty, and Ueda is sad. No one wanted him to go, not ever, and now no one knows if he'll come back. KAT-TUN with five members never feels like KAT-TUN. They go through the motions, though; they do their photo shoots and interviews and recordings, and they pretend to be making it just as well without him.
Koki hates Jin more than he can ever remember hating anyone. He hates him for leaving them, especially now. They'd just started making it and then he left, and everyone knew he was the big star here; him and Kame. But he's gone now, and Koki feels like they should let him go, that they can prove how good they are without him, that they never really needed him in the first place. He hates that anyone thinks they do, and secretly he hates that he feels it a little, too.
He takes Kame out to dinner for Christmas that year.
"How's it going?" Koki asks, when Kame gets to the restaurant.
"It's going," Kame says, and all at once Koki wants to hug him, or pat him on the back, or something. Sometimes he feels like Kame is the only other person who really gets it, really understands Jin's betrayal.
They make small talk over drinks--stupid, unimportant chit chat about work and girls and anime. Koki's drinking vodka tonics, and with every glass he knocks back, he feels a little warmer, feels the burn down his throat and belly, but there's also a sense of contentment that he doesn't remember feeling for months. Kame makes him laugh, and sometimes, if he's lucky, he can make Kame laugh too.
ii. I found you there, fell in love with you at first sight. While holding the melting ice cream, our eyes met for a moment.
Jin comes back, just like everyone always said he would. Koki's still sort of annoyed, at first. He's annoyed that he's been working his ass off the last few months, keeping things together, while Jin runs around LA, dressing up like Pikachu, sleeping with random American girls and eating his way through the city.
When he comes back, though, it's hard to stay mad. Jin's like that, Koki thinks. It's almost impossible to stay mad at him, even if he has done something seriously shitty. In the end, Koki's happy that the group is happy, and as much as he hates to admit it, he's happy to see Jin's stupid, smiling face again.
Management sends them on a trip, a bonding experience disguised as a special episode of Cartoon KAT-TUN. Everyone sort of knows what this is supposed to be--they're supposed to convince fans that they're happy together again, that it's like Jin never left. Koki also thinks that maybe this is Johnny's way of getting them to fix things amongst themselves, that throwing them together in some luxurious beach house will force them all to get along.
Except that it rains.
They've been in the van for a while now, bouncing their way along to their destination through the grey, dismal weather. It's been a long trip already and everyone's sort of tired and grumpy, and there are cameras everywhere. Tokoro-san, their host, keeps talking, keeps telling them about how beautiful it is when it's sunny, and Koki feels like that's exactly how KAT-TUN is--beautiful when sunny, only no one ever really sees it that way.
They're passing shops and he's getting sort of hungry and bored, and it's then that Tokoro-san says that they should get ice cream. The rest of the sleepy van seems to come to life at that. Everyone always wants ice cream.
He jumps out of the van and into the rain with Maru, and they wait in line, but not really, because they're big stars now, and people treat you differently when you're famous. In a moment, Koki finds that they're surrounded by people taking pictures and murmuring about KAT-TUN. The person behind the counter passes him ice cream, and then he's balancing his umbrella and several ice cream cones as he trips back out into the rain. The ice cream is melting already, dripping down over the edge of the cones and onto his fingers, and Koki rushes to pass them to Kame through the window of the van. He's standing there, huddled under his umbrella as he passes cones, when it happens; Kame's fingers bump up against his, getting coated in melted ice cream. Their eyes meet over the melting cone and Kame pulls his hand away as he passes it on to Tokoro-san, his fingers still a sticky little mess. Koki watches as they disappear into his mouth, and suddenly could care less about the ice cream.
He spends the rest of the ride thinking about Kame sucking melted ice cream from his fingertips, and wonders when he became so fucking gay.
iii. My wish is entrusted to the sea breeze.
Riding with Kame anywhere isn't like riding with other people. It's this strange combination of exciting and fun and nerve wracking, and Koki never knows what to do with himself. They're being filmed riding in the back of a taxi, and part of Koki is proud and excited to be seen with Kame. The other part of him wishes the cameras were off, that he could have Kame secretly to himself. Still, they feel like they're supposed to perform, and they're running out of things to say. He thinks it will be easier if they can just cut to filming at their first stop.
Koki clears his throat and announces to the camera: "Following up is a new segment... 'Open and be shocked! At Umi Hotaru.'"
They both applaud, and Kame looks relieved for Koki's bit of silly improvising.
"We'll only know what happens when we reach Umi Hotaru," Kame says.
"No matter how hard it will be," Koki agrees, relieved that Kame is playing along, "there's nothing to see right now. It'll be shocking when we reveal it."
"It'll be shocking," Kame says. "It'll be like wiping through time."
"Yes, wiping." Koki says. "So we'll shorten the time right now."
"Ah," says Kame, "I understand now. So, for now, let's shorten the time."
He gives Koki a conspiratorial wink and a smile as he takes off his hat, and Koki's throat gets tight and dry as he shoves it over the camera. Suddenly he's nervous, like anything could happen with that hat over the camera, even though really, they're in the backseat of a cab and Kame has a reputation to maintain.
"We're only sleeping," Kame promises to the blacked out camera, and they laugh and joke as his hand brushes Koki's, and they link their fingers in a loose, oddly intimate grip.
They hold hands for a few minutes, quietly watching the scenery outside their windows until they drift off.
Koki wakes to Kame's hand jostling his thigh, nudging him awake to tell him they've reached Umi Hotaru. He feels nervous and excited and groggy as he climbs out of the backseat, but he doesn't have much time to reflect on what happened on the ride before they're surrounded by a group of young fans, and the cameras are rolling once again. Koki is flustered by the sudden attention, even by the time they're walking away.
"Such a big group," he murmurs. Kame just laughs.
He doesn't think much about it when he takes Kame to ring the bell. It's just something to do, something he feels like they should share, something that he thinks is cool.
"Please ring this while thinking of your important person," the sign says. "Your message will be spread to the person by these waves."
Koki doesn't think about these things. People are always telling him he should think things through more, and maybe it was dumb of him to do it, but he wanted to, and he did.
"Kame-chan, I love you," he says softly as he rings the bell. "Kame, I love you."
He can hear Kame's laughter over the chimes of the bells, and it's almost as pretty.
"I'm happy you'd ring it for me," Kame says, and Koki's heart swells. "But we don't need the waves to carry it, because I'm right here."
Something feels bittersweet in Koki's chest at that, something he can't quite put his finger on. But then they're laughing, and the moment becomes just one of those things that crazy Koki does, one of those things that Kame will write off as part of the show.
He watches as Kame rings the bell, all serious and silent as he sends his love with the bell's chimes, and Koki wonders who it's for. He can't be thinking of him, Koki knows.
After all, Koki's right there.
iv. Find you at once, keep you to myself… You noticed it. Surely we are a miracle.
Dream Boys probably pushed them over the top.
Koki knows that this is all fan service now, pure and simple, that when Kame kisses him on the cheek or touches him in a weirdly intimate way, it's always for show and never because he wants to. He feels like he has a knot in his stomach, that it grows bigger with every forced photo shoot, with every public display of affection that Kame smoothly, professionally performs. Every time Kame drapes himself across Koki now, every time he loops his arms around Koki's neck, Koki feels sort of nauseous, and his chest gets tight. It's been getting worse and worse since September, since the musical and the publicity and the photo shoots.
Kame starts to notice, but he doesn't understand. Koki overhears a whispered conversation with their manager one day--Kame's saying that Koki's uncomfortable, that Koki's not as into it anymore, that maybe they should lay off the fan service stuff, at least with the two of them. His chest hurts at that, and he's so preoccupied with the way his throat is closing up that he doesn't realize he's staring, lingering in the doorway like some obvious eavesdropper.
Kame looks up and chokes back his next sentence as he spots him.
"Koki-kun!" he sing-songs, like he was just talking about something entirely different, like he's not asking management to pair them with other people.
"Hey," Koki manages, trying for a crooked grin but probably managing more of a grimace. "Sorry, I was just..."
But Koki can't think of what he could have just been doing that would have made it okay to eavesdrop, so he leaves it at that. Kame shrugs it off though, overcompensates in the usual way he deals with guilt.
"We'll talk later, okay?" he tells their manager, and then he's whisking Koki down the hallway, arms linked loosely, casually. Koki stumbles along beside him and tries to think of what to say. He wants to pretend this is okay, that this doesn't bother him, but he thinks that might be impossible.
"So," Kame says, trying to chatter along like nothing happened, "what do you think of the new photo shoot idea? What about Don't U Ever Stop? Do you like how it turned out? I really think the video looks good, don't you?"
"Kame," Koki says, surprising even himself with how serious he sounds, and how monotone his voice is. "What was that all about?"
"Um," Kame says, and suddenly they're standing awkwardly in the middle of the hall, hardly looking at each other as Kame loosens his grip on Koki's arm. "I just... you shouldn't have to do these things, you know. I know you don't really... I mean it's too much, isn't it? You seem sort of uncomfortable and I just... don't... want you to be."
Koki swallows hard. "I'm not... It's not..." he glances sideways at Kame, who is watching him with a nervous expression on his face. Koki swats him on the back of the head. "I'm not uncomfortable, don't be stupid."
"Oh," Kame says, his face breaking into a cautious smile. "You're sure?"
Koki nods, smiling his best back at him. "I'm sure."
Kame laughs then, genuinely, and Koki's heart melts at the sound. "Good," Kame says, still smiling, "good, because I don't want you to ever stop."
Koki laughs and rolls his eyes, and then Kame's linking arms with him again, and they're headed off toward the dressing rooms.
"You're like my boyfriend, right?"
Kame's laughing when he says it, and Koki tries his best to ignore the little jolt in his chest as he laughs and tangles his fingers with Kame's. "Of course, Kame-chan~" he says, and the way that Kame smiles at him almost makes him believe it.
v. Hold your hands. I can walk with you by the same step forever.
He's not sure when it becomes like this. One day they're in a cab together, laughing about something from rehearsal, and the next minute their fingers are bumping against each other, sliding over the upholstery towards each other like it's the most natural thing in the world. Koki doesn't remember the day they started holding hands like that. Koki just remembers today, the day they stopped, because he jerked his away.
"Hey," Kame says, and Koki pretends that it's normal, natural, the way he's cradling his hand against his chest like he burned it, staring out the window at traffic.
"Eh?" Koki says, glancing at him and trying to smile. "Hey."
Kame's got a puzzled expression on his face, the way he looks when Jin tries to come up with PV plots or when Junno says pretty much anything. "Is everything okay?" he asks.
Koki gives him a crooked grin and swallows against the lump in his throat. He hopes that Kame can't hear his heart thumping along so wildly, but it's so loud that he's sure he can. "Yeah," he lies. "Everything's fine."
Kame opens his mouth like he's going to ask him something else, but he changes his mind. Koki thinks it might be weird, how relieved he is. Kame's one of his best friends, and they're supposed to talk about everything. This just isn't part of everything.
They get out at the bar in Shibuya, the one they're meeting Koki's friends at, and Kame is quiet and withdrawn. It reminds Koki of that first Christmas alone together, the one when Jin was gone and they didn't really know what to say to each other. This is a little worse though, because Koki feels like he does know what to say to Kame--he just doesn't want to.
It starts with a round of shots with the group, and it's Kame who cheerfully suggests a second. By the third, Koki and his friends are moving onto the dance floor, ready to laugh and dance and have fun, but Kame stays by the bar, clutching a beer and staring after Koki with the strangest expression.
Koki dances his way towards the hottest girl he sees, and spends three songs dancing with her, grinding against her in time to the music until he's breathless and sweaty. She smiles up at him, licks her lips and excuses herself to the bathroom. Koki thinks maybe he should follow, but then someone's tugging at his shoulder, pulling him towards the exit and murmuring about Kamenashi.
He finds Kame laying facedown on the sidewalk, eyes fluttering open every so often, sickly pale and cold to the touch. He doesn't really remember getting him up or hailing a cab, but somehow he gets Kame home and in bed. He makes Kame stay awake, pours sips of water in his mouth that splash down his chin and soak his shirt, and he whispers to him about the stupid television shows they're watching. Kame keeps saying that he's cold, that it's so cold, and Koki doesn't try to tell him that it's summer, just curls up beside him under the covers, rubs his feet against Kame's and holds his hands when he's not feeding him water. He apologizes as he holds him, for the girl and the cab ride and for being so fucking afraid, but Kame never really says anything.
Kame starts looking better by the time sunlight starts shining through the windows, stops feeling cold and clammy, and starts napping with his head tucked up against Koki's shoulder. Koki holds him for a little while, watches him sleep until he's sure that Kame will be okay.
"I love you," Kame murmurs at one point, but Koki's sure it's a dream, or at least a hallucination. He strokes Kame's hair and murmurs that he loves him, too, but Kame doesn't reply.
Koki leaves before Kame wakes up, and they don't ever talk about it again.
vi. I can’t wait for beautiful days.
He shows up on Koki's doorstep when it hits newsstands-rumors about Kame's drunken behavior are front page news in all the biggest tabloids.
He's a mess.
"...Kame?" Koki says, cautiously. He's standing there with the door propped open, waiting for some explanation, maybe, or maybe just trying to figure out what to say.
Kame's staring at his feet. "I'm ruined," he says. "Everything... It's over."
Koki doesn't say anything to that--he doesn't know what he would say. He just takes him in, herds him in under his arm and shuts the door behind him.
They spend a lot of time just sitting, that night. Kame sits beside him on the couch and Koki awkwardly holds his hand at first, pretending like it doesn't bother him, like it doesn't mean something to him or make him think about old times. Kame needs this right now, he thinks. Kame twines his fingers between Koki's and they sit there, listening to the news and talk shows about dramas they aren't in. Neither one of them watches the screen--Koki's too busy watching Kame, and Kame's too busy staring at his lap. Koki thinks he might be crying.
"Hey," he says after a while, "it'll be okay. This is nothing, seriously."
But Kame just sort of nods, like he doesn't really hear him, and Koki knows he doesn't believe him.
"Kame--" he says, trying to figure out how to comfort him, how to fix Kame's worries about the only thing that's ever been important to him--his career--but Kame stops him.
"Koki, I just need..." he trails off and his grip tightens a little on Koki's hand. Koki squeezes back, and Kame sinks deeper into the couch, closer to him. "I just need you, okay. I can't think about this right now. I thought you would... I don't know, make me forget--"
Koki kisses him then, and later he'll never be able to figure out why, or how he thought it was okay, but at the time it's the only thing he can think to do. The only thing he wants to do, has wanted to do for months. Kame kisses him back, but it's all brief, all soft lips and a tentative, polite exchange that's over before it ever really began. Kame kisses him the way Koki kisses girls when he just wants to be friends but doesn't want to be a boyfriend.
"I'm sorry," Koki says, even though he's not, not really, not ever sorry for this. "I shouldn't have."
Kame shakes his head and sits up, and suddenly they aren't holding hands anymore, and Koki knows they'll never hold hands again. "No," Kame says, clearing his throat and looking weirdly resolved and determined. "No, it's my fault. I should go."
It's not Kame's fault and he shouldn't go, but he does.
Things are okay, after that. They act like nothing ever happened, and no one seems to know that anything did, but Koki thinks about it constantly, wonders if things would be different if he'd done it earlier or if he hadn't done it at all. He thinks about car rides and Friday nights out and romantic dinners, and it all feels distant, like some sad little summer romance.
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: KAT-TUN; Koki/Kame
Summary: Kame makes him laugh, and sometimes, if he's lucky, he can make Kame laugh too.
Prompt: News - Summer Time
Warnings: Angst, unrequited love.
Notes: Thank you to my betas for the handholding and crying and for making this presentable.
i. Since I met you before summer, the best wave is coming. I want you to know my sweet emotion.
Things are different after he leaves. No one wants to talk about it, but Koki's angry, Kame's guilty, and Ueda is sad. No one wanted him to go, not ever, and now no one knows if he'll come back. KAT-TUN with five members never feels like KAT-TUN. They go through the motions, though; they do their photo shoots and interviews and recordings, and they pretend to be making it just as well without him.
Koki hates Jin more than he can ever remember hating anyone. He hates him for leaving them, especially now. They'd just started making it and then he left, and everyone knew he was the big star here; him and Kame. But he's gone now, and Koki feels like they should let him go, that they can prove how good they are without him, that they never really needed him in the first place. He hates that anyone thinks they do, and secretly he hates that he feels it a little, too.
He takes Kame out to dinner for Christmas that year.
"How's it going?" Koki asks, when Kame gets to the restaurant.
"It's going," Kame says, and all at once Koki wants to hug him, or pat him on the back, or something. Sometimes he feels like Kame is the only other person who really gets it, really understands Jin's betrayal.
They make small talk over drinks--stupid, unimportant chit chat about work and girls and anime. Koki's drinking vodka tonics, and with every glass he knocks back, he feels a little warmer, feels the burn down his throat and belly, but there's also a sense of contentment that he doesn't remember feeling for months. Kame makes him laugh, and sometimes, if he's lucky, he can make Kame laugh too.
ii. I found you there, fell in love with you at first sight. While holding the melting ice cream, our eyes met for a moment.
Jin comes back, just like everyone always said he would. Koki's still sort of annoyed, at first. He's annoyed that he's been working his ass off the last few months, keeping things together, while Jin runs around LA, dressing up like Pikachu, sleeping with random American girls and eating his way through the city.
When he comes back, though, it's hard to stay mad. Jin's like that, Koki thinks. It's almost impossible to stay mad at him, even if he has done something seriously shitty. In the end, Koki's happy that the group is happy, and as much as he hates to admit it, he's happy to see Jin's stupid, smiling face again.
Management sends them on a trip, a bonding experience disguised as a special episode of Cartoon KAT-TUN. Everyone sort of knows what this is supposed to be--they're supposed to convince fans that they're happy together again, that it's like Jin never left. Koki also thinks that maybe this is Johnny's way of getting them to fix things amongst themselves, that throwing them together in some luxurious beach house will force them all to get along.
Except that it rains.
They've been in the van for a while now, bouncing their way along to their destination through the grey, dismal weather. It's been a long trip already and everyone's sort of tired and grumpy, and there are cameras everywhere. Tokoro-san, their host, keeps talking, keeps telling them about how beautiful it is when it's sunny, and Koki feels like that's exactly how KAT-TUN is--beautiful when sunny, only no one ever really sees it that way.
They're passing shops and he's getting sort of hungry and bored, and it's then that Tokoro-san says that they should get ice cream. The rest of the sleepy van seems to come to life at that. Everyone always wants ice cream.
He jumps out of the van and into the rain with Maru, and they wait in line, but not really, because they're big stars now, and people treat you differently when you're famous. In a moment, Koki finds that they're surrounded by people taking pictures and murmuring about KAT-TUN. The person behind the counter passes him ice cream, and then he's balancing his umbrella and several ice cream cones as he trips back out into the rain. The ice cream is melting already, dripping down over the edge of the cones and onto his fingers, and Koki rushes to pass them to Kame through the window of the van. He's standing there, huddled under his umbrella as he passes cones, when it happens; Kame's fingers bump up against his, getting coated in melted ice cream. Their eyes meet over the melting cone and Kame pulls his hand away as he passes it on to Tokoro-san, his fingers still a sticky little mess. Koki watches as they disappear into his mouth, and suddenly could care less about the ice cream.
He spends the rest of the ride thinking about Kame sucking melted ice cream from his fingertips, and wonders when he became so fucking gay.
iii. My wish is entrusted to the sea breeze.
Riding with Kame anywhere isn't like riding with other people. It's this strange combination of exciting and fun and nerve wracking, and Koki never knows what to do with himself. They're being filmed riding in the back of a taxi, and part of Koki is proud and excited to be seen with Kame. The other part of him wishes the cameras were off, that he could have Kame secretly to himself. Still, they feel like they're supposed to perform, and they're running out of things to say. He thinks it will be easier if they can just cut to filming at their first stop.
Koki clears his throat and announces to the camera: "Following up is a new segment... 'Open and be shocked! At Umi Hotaru.'"
They both applaud, and Kame looks relieved for Koki's bit of silly improvising.
"We'll only know what happens when we reach Umi Hotaru," Kame says.
"No matter how hard it will be," Koki agrees, relieved that Kame is playing along, "there's nothing to see right now. It'll be shocking when we reveal it."
"It'll be shocking," Kame says. "It'll be like wiping through time."
"Yes, wiping." Koki says. "So we'll shorten the time right now."
"Ah," says Kame, "I understand now. So, for now, let's shorten the time."
He gives Koki a conspiratorial wink and a smile as he takes off his hat, and Koki's throat gets tight and dry as he shoves it over the camera. Suddenly he's nervous, like anything could happen with that hat over the camera, even though really, they're in the backseat of a cab and Kame has a reputation to maintain.
"We're only sleeping," Kame promises to the blacked out camera, and they laugh and joke as his hand brushes Koki's, and they link their fingers in a loose, oddly intimate grip.
They hold hands for a few minutes, quietly watching the scenery outside their windows until they drift off.
Koki wakes to Kame's hand jostling his thigh, nudging him awake to tell him they've reached Umi Hotaru. He feels nervous and excited and groggy as he climbs out of the backseat, but he doesn't have much time to reflect on what happened on the ride before they're surrounded by a group of young fans, and the cameras are rolling once again. Koki is flustered by the sudden attention, even by the time they're walking away.
"Such a big group," he murmurs. Kame just laughs.
He doesn't think much about it when he takes Kame to ring the bell. It's just something to do, something he feels like they should share, something that he thinks is cool.
"Please ring this while thinking of your important person," the sign says. "Your message will be spread to the person by these waves."
Koki doesn't think about these things. People are always telling him he should think things through more, and maybe it was dumb of him to do it, but he wanted to, and he did.
"Kame-chan, I love you," he says softly as he rings the bell. "Kame, I love you."
He can hear Kame's laughter over the chimes of the bells, and it's almost as pretty.
"I'm happy you'd ring it for me," Kame says, and Koki's heart swells. "But we don't need the waves to carry it, because I'm right here."
Something feels bittersweet in Koki's chest at that, something he can't quite put his finger on. But then they're laughing, and the moment becomes just one of those things that crazy Koki does, one of those things that Kame will write off as part of the show.
He watches as Kame rings the bell, all serious and silent as he sends his love with the bell's chimes, and Koki wonders who it's for. He can't be thinking of him, Koki knows.
After all, Koki's right there.
iv. Find you at once, keep you to myself… You noticed it. Surely we are a miracle.
Dream Boys probably pushed them over the top.
Koki knows that this is all fan service now, pure and simple, that when Kame kisses him on the cheek or touches him in a weirdly intimate way, it's always for show and never because he wants to. He feels like he has a knot in his stomach, that it grows bigger with every forced photo shoot, with every public display of affection that Kame smoothly, professionally performs. Every time Kame drapes himself across Koki now, every time he loops his arms around Koki's neck, Koki feels sort of nauseous, and his chest gets tight. It's been getting worse and worse since September, since the musical and the publicity and the photo shoots.
Kame starts to notice, but he doesn't understand. Koki overhears a whispered conversation with their manager one day--Kame's saying that Koki's uncomfortable, that Koki's not as into it anymore, that maybe they should lay off the fan service stuff, at least with the two of them. His chest hurts at that, and he's so preoccupied with the way his throat is closing up that he doesn't realize he's staring, lingering in the doorway like some obvious eavesdropper.
Kame looks up and chokes back his next sentence as he spots him.
"Koki-kun!" he sing-songs, like he was just talking about something entirely different, like he's not asking management to pair them with other people.
"Hey," Koki manages, trying for a crooked grin but probably managing more of a grimace. "Sorry, I was just..."
But Koki can't think of what he could have just been doing that would have made it okay to eavesdrop, so he leaves it at that. Kame shrugs it off though, overcompensates in the usual way he deals with guilt.
"We'll talk later, okay?" he tells their manager, and then he's whisking Koki down the hallway, arms linked loosely, casually. Koki stumbles along beside him and tries to think of what to say. He wants to pretend this is okay, that this doesn't bother him, but he thinks that might be impossible.
"So," Kame says, trying to chatter along like nothing happened, "what do you think of the new photo shoot idea? What about Don't U Ever Stop? Do you like how it turned out? I really think the video looks good, don't you?"
"Kame," Koki says, surprising even himself with how serious he sounds, and how monotone his voice is. "What was that all about?"
"Um," Kame says, and suddenly they're standing awkwardly in the middle of the hall, hardly looking at each other as Kame loosens his grip on Koki's arm. "I just... you shouldn't have to do these things, you know. I know you don't really... I mean it's too much, isn't it? You seem sort of uncomfortable and I just... don't... want you to be."
Koki swallows hard. "I'm not... It's not..." he glances sideways at Kame, who is watching him with a nervous expression on his face. Koki swats him on the back of the head. "I'm not uncomfortable, don't be stupid."
"Oh," Kame says, his face breaking into a cautious smile. "You're sure?"
Koki nods, smiling his best back at him. "I'm sure."
Kame laughs then, genuinely, and Koki's heart melts at the sound. "Good," Kame says, still smiling, "good, because I don't want you to ever stop."
Koki laughs and rolls his eyes, and then Kame's linking arms with him again, and they're headed off toward the dressing rooms.
"You're like my boyfriend, right?"
Kame's laughing when he says it, and Koki tries his best to ignore the little jolt in his chest as he laughs and tangles his fingers with Kame's. "Of course, Kame-chan~" he says, and the way that Kame smiles at him almost makes him believe it.
v. Hold your hands. I can walk with you by the same step forever.
He's not sure when it becomes like this. One day they're in a cab together, laughing about something from rehearsal, and the next minute their fingers are bumping against each other, sliding over the upholstery towards each other like it's the most natural thing in the world. Koki doesn't remember the day they started holding hands like that. Koki just remembers today, the day they stopped, because he jerked his away.
"Hey," Kame says, and Koki pretends that it's normal, natural, the way he's cradling his hand against his chest like he burned it, staring out the window at traffic.
"Eh?" Koki says, glancing at him and trying to smile. "Hey."
Kame's got a puzzled expression on his face, the way he looks when Jin tries to come up with PV plots or when Junno says pretty much anything. "Is everything okay?" he asks.
Koki gives him a crooked grin and swallows against the lump in his throat. He hopes that Kame can't hear his heart thumping along so wildly, but it's so loud that he's sure he can. "Yeah," he lies. "Everything's fine."
Kame opens his mouth like he's going to ask him something else, but he changes his mind. Koki thinks it might be weird, how relieved he is. Kame's one of his best friends, and they're supposed to talk about everything. This just isn't part of everything.
They get out at the bar in Shibuya, the one they're meeting Koki's friends at, and Kame is quiet and withdrawn. It reminds Koki of that first Christmas alone together, the one when Jin was gone and they didn't really know what to say to each other. This is a little worse though, because Koki feels like he does know what to say to Kame--he just doesn't want to.
It starts with a round of shots with the group, and it's Kame who cheerfully suggests a second. By the third, Koki and his friends are moving onto the dance floor, ready to laugh and dance and have fun, but Kame stays by the bar, clutching a beer and staring after Koki with the strangest expression.
Koki dances his way towards the hottest girl he sees, and spends three songs dancing with her, grinding against her in time to the music until he's breathless and sweaty. She smiles up at him, licks her lips and excuses herself to the bathroom. Koki thinks maybe he should follow, but then someone's tugging at his shoulder, pulling him towards the exit and murmuring about Kamenashi.
He finds Kame laying facedown on the sidewalk, eyes fluttering open every so often, sickly pale and cold to the touch. He doesn't really remember getting him up or hailing a cab, but somehow he gets Kame home and in bed. He makes Kame stay awake, pours sips of water in his mouth that splash down his chin and soak his shirt, and he whispers to him about the stupid television shows they're watching. Kame keeps saying that he's cold, that it's so cold, and Koki doesn't try to tell him that it's summer, just curls up beside him under the covers, rubs his feet against Kame's and holds his hands when he's not feeding him water. He apologizes as he holds him, for the girl and the cab ride and for being so fucking afraid, but Kame never really says anything.
Kame starts looking better by the time sunlight starts shining through the windows, stops feeling cold and clammy, and starts napping with his head tucked up against Koki's shoulder. Koki holds him for a little while, watches him sleep until he's sure that Kame will be okay.
"I love you," Kame murmurs at one point, but Koki's sure it's a dream, or at least a hallucination. He strokes Kame's hair and murmurs that he loves him, too, but Kame doesn't reply.
Koki leaves before Kame wakes up, and they don't ever talk about it again.
vi. I can’t wait for beautiful days.
He shows up on Koki's doorstep when it hits newsstands-rumors about Kame's drunken behavior are front page news in all the biggest tabloids.
He's a mess.
"...Kame?" Koki says, cautiously. He's standing there with the door propped open, waiting for some explanation, maybe, or maybe just trying to figure out what to say.
Kame's staring at his feet. "I'm ruined," he says. "Everything... It's over."
Koki doesn't say anything to that--he doesn't know what he would say. He just takes him in, herds him in under his arm and shuts the door behind him.
They spend a lot of time just sitting, that night. Kame sits beside him on the couch and Koki awkwardly holds his hand at first, pretending like it doesn't bother him, like it doesn't mean something to him or make him think about old times. Kame needs this right now, he thinks. Kame twines his fingers between Koki's and they sit there, listening to the news and talk shows about dramas they aren't in. Neither one of them watches the screen--Koki's too busy watching Kame, and Kame's too busy staring at his lap. Koki thinks he might be crying.
"Hey," he says after a while, "it'll be okay. This is nothing, seriously."
But Kame just sort of nods, like he doesn't really hear him, and Koki knows he doesn't believe him.
"Kame--" he says, trying to figure out how to comfort him, how to fix Kame's worries about the only thing that's ever been important to him--his career--but Kame stops him.
"Koki, I just need..." he trails off and his grip tightens a little on Koki's hand. Koki squeezes back, and Kame sinks deeper into the couch, closer to him. "I just need you, okay. I can't think about this right now. I thought you would... I don't know, make me forget--"
Koki kisses him then, and later he'll never be able to figure out why, or how he thought it was okay, but at the time it's the only thing he can think to do. The only thing he wants to do, has wanted to do for months. Kame kisses him back, but it's all brief, all soft lips and a tentative, polite exchange that's over before it ever really began. Kame kisses him the way Koki kisses girls when he just wants to be friends but doesn't want to be a boyfriend.
"I'm sorry," Koki says, even though he's not, not really, not ever sorry for this. "I shouldn't have."
Kame shakes his head and sits up, and suddenly they aren't holding hands anymore, and Koki knows they'll never hold hands again. "No," Kame says, clearing his throat and looking weirdly resolved and determined. "No, it's my fault. I should go."
It's not Kame's fault and he shouldn't go, but he does.
Things are okay, after that. They act like nothing ever happened, and no one seems to know that anything did, but Koki thinks about it constantly, wonders if things would be different if he'd done it earlier or if he hadn't done it at all. He thinks about car rides and Friday nights out and romantic dinners, and it all feels distant, like some sad little summer romance.