Dejection
Title: Dejection
Warnings: Angst, character death, unbeta-ed
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG13
Pairing: None.
Summary: A look in the inner side of Kai…
Comments: Something that sprung up when people around me are emo-ing and affecting me greatly. I’m not really satisfied with this though. I feel that it’s not angst enough. Reason why I choose Kai is because I feel that he’s a little like me. Or maybe not
P.S. looking for a permanent beta reader.
Is it possible to die of heartache? Because right now I’m hurting inside, hurting so much until I think my time is up. Until I thought I saw Satan himself. The searing pain throughout my body, throbbing so much until my body feels so numb, but mostly focusing at one part of my body -my heart. I can feel it beating strongly in my chest, beating too strongly, until it hurts my ribcage. I feel suffocated; I can’t breathe properly. I feel as though someone was pressing down on my windpipe, cutting oxygen excess from my body.
I cried out loud as pain rippled through my body again, my knees crumbling to the floor beneath me. My hands are both in front of me, supporting my weight from succumbing to the gravity. I breathed in short and deep gasps through my mouth, trying to get oxygen into my lungs, eyes wide open. I think I had a dizzy spell for I felt the room spinning before I found myself lying on the carpet of my apartment. I clutched my right hand over my heart, scrunching up my shirt. My eyes squinted against the bright light of the room, eyebrows frowning from the pain my teeth gritted in pain; my knees hurdled close to my chest, as I lay sideways on my side.
Nobody would have expected me -Kai, the bandleader, the mother hen, the ever-smiling guy who would smile through everything regardless of the situation- to ever fall to this state. Such a ridiculous state, so fragile, so disgusting. Falling apart just because of getting ditched. It’s not as though it’s the first time happening, so why am I letting it affecting me this much now? I smiled bitterly as tears sprang to my eyes. Perhaps I’m better off dead, no people would be hurt because of me, and I won’t be hurt as well.
With every energy left in me, I crawled to the bathroom, hurling myself up from the sink. I rummaged through the cabinet behind the mirror, finding the object to end the story to my life. As I found the object, I slid down the bathroom walls, my vision blurred momentarily. I didn’t realize I was crying. I blinked the tears away and focused on the object before me - a razor blade.
Ignoring the loud pounds on the door, I stared at the wall in front of me, feeling my blood draining away from me as memories -the good and the bad ones- flashed through my mind. A sob escaped me as the memories continued flashing; I missed those days, back when I was still an outcast. If I had been an outcast for the entire of my life, maybe I wouldn’t have suffered this much. Maybe I wouldn’t have to suffer the loss of the people dear to me.
I heard a loud pound coming from the living room as conscious started to slip through me. As the world blacked out on me, I heard people shouting right beside me. Why can’t they just shut up and let me stop suffering?
Please don’t save me…
... i dont know why but i feel fucking miserable lately.. i should be happy right? i mean, i've got my violin which i've been dreaming off since i was like 10? i've ordered loads of cds which i wanted so much and more of gazette stuff. i've got a good job and i can eat three meals a day now. so why do i still so miserable? minus the fact im ill now. but, sigh. people are getting emo around me, and they affected me greatly, and i sark. i seriously sarked. i kept losing friends. am i that much of a lousy person? i dont know. i just, i just wanna end it all.. like Kai over here. you know, a few weeks ago, i really nearly left this world..