Saudade (Across from you) [Chapter 3]
Chapter: 3/?
Pairings: YooMin, HoMin (bff), Changmin centric.
Rating: G (warning!: bandfic, includes lawsuit)
Genre: Angst, Romance
Summary: Saudade, it is all that is left of you. How many times I pulled you up, like all the times you pulled me up. Everything we've shared. Now you are gone, and I don’t have a word to express my feelings; it is not sadness because you gave me happiness, it is not happiness because you are not with me now.
Yunho isn’t good with dates.
That’s a fact few people are aware of - those who experienced it firsthand. The whole world would know, and Yunho’s reputation as a flawless leader would go down the drain in a matter of hours if it wasn’t for the wonderful invention of phones. There’s a reason why Yunho panics without his.
It’s his lifeline. That part of his brain someone forgot to design; the one that deals with birthdays, rendezvous, appointments and agendas. Yunho is very thankful he was born in the 20th century.
Changmin is very thankful too, if only because the idea of working full-time as Yunho’s personal human scheduler doesn’t sit well with him.
There are downsides of course, mainly having to cope with the ceaseless influx of alarms coming from the other’s phone. Changmin sometimes wishes he could crush the damn thing, but that’d mean the end of TVXQ. No less. He can’t risk it.
Surely Yunho would mix up the birthdays of the few thousand people they need to maintain good relationships with, and probably get their ages wrong too. He’d forget to show up at fanmeetings, would board a flight for Singapore while the next day’s concert is in Tokyo, or get the dates wrong for photoshoots one day and end up in a studio full of bikini girls all swarming over him. One of those things actually happened, but Changmin won’t tell which one - just that he was envious.
Another down side directly concerns him. 3PM, on February 17th. The exact time when Yunho’s phone warns him about the upcoming birthday of his only dongsaeng.
If they aren’t together, Changmin will get a “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” text at 3:02PM sharp. Then Yunho will congratulate-spam him for the rest of the day, Changmin will ignore it, the staff will stare wondering why he isn’t answering, Changmin will smile and erase every text he gets, and by the time the 18th comes, he’ll feel like hitting anyone who’ll dare to wish him anything.
It’ll go about the same if they’re together, except real-life Yunho is hard to ignore, and impossible to delete.
Changmin could feel vexed that after more than ten years, the other still needs a reminder. As it is he’s more annoyed about having to deal with birthday wishes several hours ahead, but Yunho wants to be the first to say it. Changmin blames it on the Leader Syndrome.
That’s the name he found for all the weird stuff Yunho does - like rummaging through his things whenever he gets the chance, though Changmin doesn’t know what he’s expecting to find. Drugs, maybe, or pictures of himself drunk and naked and with escort girls.
Anyway.
The birthday thing.
The birthday thing got to the point that this year, as he wakes up on February 17th, Changmin thinks ‘it’s today’. At 3:02PM, he’s on the drama filming location and waiting for the shooting of his next scene when he gets his birthday text.
‘Too early hyung’, he texts back, knowing Yunho will ignore it.
‘Work hard!!~’, the other answers indeed, then ‘happy birthday again’, variations on a ‘time flies’ theme, plenty of things about how Changmin is growing up nicely - as if he just turned 12 -, then ‘I’ll call you later’, ‘how’s your day?’, and after ten minutes, an anxious ‘I’m first right?’
Changmin is pondering whether to answer or not (or rather what to answer first), when another text comes in.
‘I got us a free afternoon on Thursday. Meet me at 2, back door 5!’
He smiles.
‘Ok’, he answers. Then ‘thanks’, followed by one of those smiley faces he’s secretly fond of. It’s admittedly a bit dry, but after all, it’s not even his birthday yet. And Changmin could turn off his phone before another message comes in, but he doesn’t.
He could block Yunho’s number. He could tell him once and for all that the next time he gets a birthday text that’s not strictly past midnight on the 18th, he’ll go have some fun with the escort girls and make sure the pictures make it to the front page of every newspaper in the country the next day.
Instead Changmin lets his phone rings nonstop for the whole afternoon, ignores the way staff stares, and when the 18th comes, he smiles to anyone who wishes him anything, inwardly thinking that Yunho already said it all anyway.
They meet as planned. Thursday, 2PM, back door 5.
‘Back door 5’ is in SM main building. It’s grey and plain-looking, melting into a concrete wall at the end of a stuffy corridor that smells like gasoline. It’s also part of every SM artist survival kit: hidden from the street, offers quick access to the underground parking, and has no camera. It’d be sasaengs’ dream come true if it wasn’t every SM artist’s best kept secret as well.
Changmin isn’t sure what Yunho planned - if he planned anything at all - so he stuck his best anonymity scarf and sunglasses in his bag when he left home earlier. Just in case. He seriously doubts they’ll be of any use if they venture in the wild wild world that’s Seoul streets during the day, but that does make him feel safer. Though he’s admittedly more than a little relieved when Yunho arrives and says they’ll take the car.
But after all, Yunho knows him by heart.
It turns out that there’s nothing planned.
“Freestyle!”, the other blurts in broken English when asked where they’re going. The grin on his face is suspiciously bright and Changmin pauses to wonder if Yunho is actually much more excited than himself, before deciding that he doesn’t care.
They exit SM parking. It appears Yunho did plan things a little because the queue of sasaeng taxis that should already be following them is blocked by people flooding the street behind, surely for some event Changmin hasn’t heard of but that the older man knew about five minutes after it was confirmed.
Yunho fails at remembering dates. He’s scarily good at getting them - comes with years competing with Jaejoong to be the one who’d know things first.
After ten minutes of heedful watch on the rear-view mirror, Changmin starts indulging in the thought that no one might actually be following them. After five more minutes - just to be sure - he relaxes in the passenger seat, and turns to Yunho hoping that the way he’s grinning doesn’t look half as stupid as he fears it does.
“I want to go to Sa-sshi’s place.”
Yunho doesn’t look away from the road but raises an eyebrow at the steering wheel.
“Kalbi? We just ate Changmin-ah…”
It’s not a valid argument. Yunho has known that for exactly ten years and 8 months, from the moment the five of them moved in one place and meals together became a daily occurrence. Changmin doesn’t even bother to answer. He smiles when Yunho turns left at the next junction.
Fifteen minutes later, he’s happily digging into a bowl of Korean beef stew. Sa-sshi’s finest recipe. The one Changmin would immediately inscribe under the UNESCO World Heritage List if a genie gave him one wish, and order a lifetime amount of if he’s granted two. Or maybe the other way around.
“Slow down, it’s not going to disappear”, Yunho jokes, watching him amusedly, hands joined under his chin.
“You mean it’s going to disappear way too soon”, Changmin mutters, already halfway through his bowl. “Can I have a refill?”
“It’s your birthday”, the older man shrugs, turning his head to gaze outside. “But you may want to do something else than feast on kalbi all afternoon and spend the rest of the week assimilating the three cows in your stomach…”
Changmin puts his chopsticks down for the first time since he started eating, eyes narrowing.
“You’re saying that because of what that girl said at the fanmeeting yesterday.”
“No.”
“It upset you that much?”
“Of course not.”
“Come on, you can tell me. I know you’re annoyed.”
“Am not”, Yunho purses his lips a little, still looking out the window.
“You don’t have to go on diet because of this you know.”
“Changmin…”
“I mean, because the manager told you to be careful it doesn’t-“
“Changmin.”
Yunho is smiling in spite of the stern leader-like tone. Changmin takes the next necessary ten seconds to savor another mouthful of meat before he continues.
“She was at least twice your weight, you noticed right?”
“I think I get it.”
“And she gave you chocolates. Where’s the logic in that?”
Yunho doesn’t manage to stifle a small laugh.
“Are you trying to make me feel better or worse?”, he turns to look at him again, crescent eyes smiling back at him, “because I really can’t tell.”
“I’m comforting you of course.”
Changmin looks down at his bowl, staring at it for a while before picking a particularly appealing bit of meat. Yunho doesn’t see it coming. A second later the older man has his mouth full and sauce dripping from his chin, temporarily silenced, and glaring - though the hamster face doesn’t make it look very threatening.
At least the sports show taught him how to aim right and fast, Changmin muses, smiling at the other pleasantly but careful to keep a safe distance because Yunho’s right hand is twitching a little where it’s lying on the table, next to a dangerously sharp knife.
He can’t say he’s surprised when Yunho refuses to buy him another bowl and says they should go somewhere else.
He’s admittedly a little puzzled when he insists Changmin tries on every jacket in the designer clothes store they go to next. “It’s because it’s a special day”, Yunho says, then “that one looks nice”, throwing his way a canary eyesore that the freakiest coordi noonas would never even consider.
Next the anonymity scarf and sunglasses come in handy as they infiltrate a media store so that Changmin can drool in front of rows of video games. He doesn’t have much time for that those days, but a bit of daydreaming can’t hurt. He’s allowed ten minutes of spazzing before Yunho drags him to the DVD section, saying he wants to buy his girlfriend a romance movie. And it must be important because the other takes an awfully long time to pick one.
“Are you sure it’s not for yourself?”, Changmin asks after a while, “because from what I know Ah-Jeong likes watching wrestling matches.”
He runs away before the older man can react. Better safe than sorry, and he has a feeling he’s really trying Yunho’s patience today. The other doesn’t have the same scruples as before about getting back at him when Changmin toys with lines and goes a bit too far.
Five minutes later though, Yunho looks more or less unfazed when he finds him crouching next to a shelf, trying hard not to look like he’s hiding - just suddenly interested in a series of books about house plants repotting.
“Get up”, the older man says, looking down at him, “we’re leaving.”
“You found me.”
“Yes.”
“How?”
“Cos I implanted a microchip in your left foot of course. Now let’s go.”
“You didn’t take any DVD”, Changmin comments as he stands up carefully, throwing a cursory look around. It’s not Yunho he’s afraid of, but he’s pretty sure the lady standing near the emergency exit was looking at him a little weirdly.
“Impossible with you around”, Yunho answers flatly, though the spark in his eyes says he’s the opposite of angry, “come on now, there’s somewhere I want to bring you.”
“Where?”
“You’ll see.”
Yunho takes him to a music store that doesn’t have five floors and fancy glass doors, but that looks like the owner has been too busy playing guitar during the past 15 years to remember to dust it from time to time. There are CDs here that Changmin believed even the internet didn’t have, and while he’s far from being an expert, a few music scores that he thinks are worth more than the last cool car the company gave him.
He now knows where Yunho disappeared to the past 6 months, when he “went out for a while” and refused to say more - he said he’d tell when Changmin would stop pestering him with questions. After 4 months Changmin came to the conclusion it was probably some creepy bowling alley where people lived without electricity and never heard about K-pop. Probably in Gwanju, given how long Yunho went missing each time.
Had he known, he’d have stopped asking sooner.
They stay here for two hours that pass like ten minutes, until Changmin’s stomach grumbles to inform him that Sa-sshi’s beef has been annihilated, and some more work would be welcomed.
The rest of the day passes in a blur. Yunho stoically withstands a continuous flow of demands and sarcasms that mean nothing but that Changmin is really loosening up for the first time in weeks. They joke a lot about that side of him in front of cameras, but the truth is that he seldom allows himself to act up. Just like Yunho isn’t as cute and forgetful as many would like to believe (the dates problem aside, of course).
It’s already dark when they head back to his place.
They grabbed Thai food on the way, and plans for the night consist in dinner and a decent amount of soju, and that’s all. And it’s good, Changmin thinks, unaware of the smile floating on his lips as he thinks of the magnificent “nothing” written above his schedule for tomorrow morning. He won’t tell him - at least not before his third soju bottle - but Yunho is a genius.
When Changmin gets out of the car, he forgets to look around for sasaengs like he normally always does. He asks what Yunho had to blackmail management with to get them a full day off; all his attention is on the other as he laughs and answers that “you don’t want to know”.
Changmin doesn’t see the small group of people watching them from behind a large concrete pillar, just ten meters away. Yunho sees though.
He lost them when they left SM building, but sasaengs showed up barely fifteen minutes after they arrived to Sa-sshi’s restaurant - blame Changmin’s loyalty to his favorite place to eat - and Yunho had a hard time shaking them off. Going to the music store eventually did the trick. He hadn’t planned to go there, but that worked, and in the end it’s all that matters.
That, and the rare look of happiness on Changmin’s face now - untroubled and relaxed.
Free.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
They all had something they just couldn’t deal with. A topic that’d instantly trigger a defensive reaction - anger or fear - if approached the wrong way. A memory, a name, an issue that once mentioned could open wide the door to insecurities, uncovering a corner of that secret darkness you’d find in anyone.
During the first months, they learnt to be extra careful while handling some matters. Living together as five guys who all felt the need to prove themselves obviously came with a lot of arguing and fighting, but the only times when the situation really got out of hand invariably coincided with one of those sensitive topics coming up the wrong way.
For Junsu, it was Junho.
A word against his twin brother, and he’d instantly unleash aggressiveness he never showed when it came to himself alone. Junho was off-limits, and that’s the one line they’d drawn as to how far the whole Junsu-bullying thing could go.
It was about the same for Yunho, but with his father.
For Yoochun it wasn’t as simple, but basically had to do with things ending. Breakups, right, for instance, but also much less significant happenings. Cheap psychology here would say it had to do with his parents’ divorce, but Changmin wouldn’t swear it. Yoochun had always been by far the most complicated to understand amongst them five.
For Jaejoong it was a lot of things. It also changed several times along years.
How he used to be tone deaf. His adoption, next that relationship with an older girl in their Japanese staff that had to stop when management said so. And more. Toward the end, it was goals. Objectives. Targets. Sales, rankings, popularity, and figures, and records… pressure that made Jaejoong feel like “I’m a waste of their time if I’m just here and breathing, and not torturing myself about how I could possibly try harder”.
For Changmin, it was sasaengs.
He could manage rather well the downsides that came along with the name they carried - the lack of sleep and pressure and missing home, and even being ceaselessly compared to four people he harbored a bit of an inferiority complex toward - all of it, he could handle. All but one thing.
From the very beginning, he’d had trouble dealing with the lack of privacy
Be it in dorms as a trainee or later in one apartment with the four others, always having people around made him nervous. Anxious. It kept him on edge for months, until Changmin found ways to cope - studying, mainly, since he only had to open a textbook for the others to leave him alone. It was all good for a while then the sasaengs issue came up, minor at first, before it got beyond control.
But there were more pressing matters than a bunch of insane girls with nothing better to do than follow them around. The others endured it, and so did Changmin. He told himself he’d get used to it. He told himself it’d calm down. Instead it just grew worse, and worse, and worse.
Until it became too much, and Changmin didn’t even see it coming.
It all started with a bad day; the kind that goes as wrong as wrong can get. Barely a year after debut.
Changmin had woken up with a stiff neck and stuffy nose, after a nearly sleepless night. He was worried about midterms, though no one else cared amidst the rush of preparations for their upcoming debut in Japan. He was unable to focus during his morning classes, and couldn’t get a single move right during the afternoon practice. The dance instructor did nothing but bark at him during the two hours it lasted. To crown it all Jaejoong was acting cold and distant, and no one knew why. That made Yoochun cranky, Junsu silent, and Yunho nervous.
Evening came at last. Changmin was hungry, tired, stressed, and fighting a beginning of cold when his mother called to tell him she was bringing his grandfather to the hospital - don’t worry, it’s nothing, I’ll tell you more later - ending the call abruptly but not before he heard the strain in her voice.
And Changmin had only wanted a bit of solitude. He only craved a moment for himself without anyone around to ask questions or talk to him. He took advantage of the general disturbance Jaejoong’s bad mood had cast over the apartment, and sneaked out to go to the small park behind the sports ground, just two streets away. He was there for less than five minutes when the first sasaengs arrived.
Leaving at night without telling anyone was admittedly a stupid thing to do, but Changmin never thought it’d turn out that bad.
There were at least ten of them before he even started walking back home, shoving their cameras under his nose, screaming “oppa” in his ears, trying to touch, wanting him to look, their hands and voices and close… way too close, tugging at his clothes, surrounding him even as he was running now, even when they could see the tears on his face, not caring in the least when he stopped and crouched down and curled on himself begging them to just go.
Changmin doesn’t know how he made it back home, but ten minutes later he was in the hallway outside their door, panting, heart banging inside his chest, casting wild glances around because maybe they’d followed him here.
It took a while before he could calm down. The hallway was eerily quiet but he had their voices in his head. After a while they fell to a murmur at the back of his mind - disturbing, but bearable. Changmin wiped the last tears away once his hands stopped shaking. He took a couple deep breaths, opened the door, then dashed to his bed.
No one stopped him. They hadn’t noticed his absence, thankfully. Yunho would’ve gotten angry at him. Junsu would’ve nodded to every word he said, and with Jaejoong being weird and Yoochun following suit, Changmin doubted anyone would have taken his side.
He cried himself to sleep that night. It hadn’t happened in years, yet he still didn’t recognize it for what it was.
Exactly a week later, the five of them came back home in the evening only to discover someone had broken in.
The living room was a mess, and so was the bedroom. Nothing of value had been stolen though, and there were notes here and there that left no doubt as to who had come in. They gathered next to the couch without a word, unconsciously staying close together. Yunho looked upset. Junsu, Yoochun, Jaejoong looked upset, the expressions on their faces ranging from mild anger to repressed murder urges.
As for Changmin, it was crumbling inside.
He was frozen on spot. His mind completely blank.
His hands started shaking as panic took over fast and he couldn’t stop it. He felt trapped, surrounded, assaulted and abused even till in the last safe spaces - in his house, his secrets and his mind. The murmurs in his head suddenly rose in volume until they filled it all… until he could tell apart each of their voices and feel their hands on him, touching his face, grabbing his arms, unbearably close and like all around him now, outside… inside, crawling up the walls of his mind and seeing him, all of him, until there was no more space for him breathe or think or live and they were everywhere.
He thinks Yoochun cursed. He heard Jaejoong talk, then someone touched his arm and the moment that followed Changmin was losing it.
The next thing he knew he was crying, sobbing, screaming hysterically and blindly moving away from the hands trying to touch him. In his memories it lasted for hours. Maybe it did, maybe it was only ten minutes. He doesn’t know. He never asked. He remembers what he said though.
If anything, Changmin is thankful that no matter how violently they sometimes argued in the following years, the four others never used it against him. Even at the worst of times. Even when nothing was left but the need to hurt, no one ever went as far as throwing in his face the things Changmin said that evening.
That he wanted to leave.
That he couldn’t do it. That if this is what it was, then he wouldn’t do it, wanted to stop everything… wanted to go back home, and have a normal life again. That he didn’t care anymore, couldn’t do this, couldn’t, didn’t want to, because it was too hard and it wasn’t for him, and they’d do better without him anyway, then a crushed mess of mixed up fears and doubts that Changmin thought he was handling perfectly well till then.
It’s the first and last time he broke down that badly.
He’d do anything to forget, but that day had too many consequences for the memory of it to just fade away.
When he woke up the next morning, the place was strangely quiet. Junsu was sitting next to his bed, having probably received instructions to stay here. He gave him an unsure smile as soon as their eyes met.
“Go back to sleep”, he said, “today’s schedule has been cancelled.”
Changmin got out of bed anyway. He felt a bit disoriented but not as much as he’d have liked. The past night’s events kept replaying in his head in spite of how hard he was trying not to think about it; that was bad enough already. He didn’t want to make it worse by hiding in bed all day long.
He could hear Jaejoong and Yoochun’s voices in the kitchen, and headed that way. They both stopped talking when they saw him come in.
Just as silence was getting awkward, Jaejoong told him to sit and started spreading on the table more food Changmin had ever seen here. He looked like he hadn’t slept at all. Yoochun’s eyes were fixed on him, his expression intent yet undecipherable.
It was quiet until Changmin finally dared to ask where Yunho was, barely recognizing his own voice - too low, too hoarse. Yoochun answered he’d gone to talk to management, and apprehension hit Changmin in the gut. He put down his chopsticks.
He wasn’t hungry. Suddenly felt sick. He could hear his own voice shouting that “I don’t want to be here!! I’ve never wanted to!!”, and now he thought he was going to throw up. There were hot tears pressing at the corners of his eyes. If Yoochun and Jaejoong stared any longer, Changmin was going to start crying again and he didn’t want to. He looked down and closed his eyes, nails digging into his palms, wishing he’d just disappear.
They heard the front door opening. Changmin’s heart sank as apprehension abruptly sharpened, bordering panic again. Yunho came in a second later, closely followed by Junsu; the grim look on the older one’s face didn’t bode well, nor did the ominous silence in the room. Changmin jerked away when Jaejoong came forward to put a hand on his shoulder. It took all of his willpower not to look away as Yunho’s eyes found his.
“Take your time”, the other told him with a forced smile, motioning toward the food, “eat something then come to the bedroom. I’ve to talk to you.”
Changmin nodded, his throat awfully tight, aware it’d be a miracle if he managed to drink half a glass of water. Blood rushed to his face when he thought again of what he’d screamed the day before, this time remembering as well the look on Yunho’s face whenever he said what he thought of people who gave up. People who stopped halfway. People who were selfish enough to jeopardize the efforts of tens of others, just because they were never serious about their work to begin with.
The older one had barely left, and Changmin was once more on the verge of tears.
He had yet to undergo Yunho’s anger. He’d seen it before though, and had promised himself he’d do what he had to so that it’d never been directed at him. Needless to say, when he dragged his feet to the bedroom fifteen minutes later, he was desperately wishing he’d be going in the opposite direction in spite of the three others’ assurances that it’d go well.
It turned out they were right, and he was worrying in vain. More or less.
Yunho wanted to talk, just that - or rather, he wanted him to talk. This time Changmin wasn’t given a choice. And he hated every second of it, hated each of the words that clumsily poured out, and how childish, how cowardly they sounded even to him. But when Yunho said to look at him at the end of it, when Changmin met his eyes and saw the kindness here, all of it suddenly seemed a little lighter.
He still felt ashamed when a few more tears fell. He didn’t manage to deny it when Yunho said it was going too far, and that he needed help. Then all Changmin had to do was nod along to everything the older said, next bear with worried stares and invading attentions for the rest of the day. He knew better than to argue or complain.
That same afternoon, the locks of their apartment were changed, a backup measure of sorts until they’d move to another place (which they did three weeks later). The next day, Changmin met his new psychologist. It was the first therapy session of a long series - one that’d go intensively for about two years, and continue at a less sustained pace during three more years.
But the most obvious change was in the others’ attitude toward him.
They all knew already he didn’t like that “youngest” tag he had been obliged to put on, and tried not to treat him as such when it was just the five of them. Not that it stopped from that moment on. They continued respecting that about him, but not anymore when it came to sasaengs. Not when it involved him. It was the one thing they wouldn’t let him get away with, the one matter that was never treated lightly again as far as he was concerned.
Just like him, they never forgot that day.
Sometimes Changmin wished they had. He even said so from time to time, arguing that he was good now, and they didn’t need to go spare every time a sasaeng ventured within a ten meters radius of him. But deep inside, it reassured him to know they knew. To have them close. To see them here, the four of them aware that Changmin was a lot of things and cowardly wasn’t one of them, but sometimes… sometimes.
Sometimes he needed them.
Sometimes they were all he could rely on, and somewhere along the way, he got used to the idea like he’d gotten used to singing, dancing, fans, photoshoots, interviews. Changmin got used to them like one would get used to a safety net - a hand on his back before going up the stage, a few words thwarting criticism before it could reach him, eyes that pretended not to watch but actually saw all.
They could make him forget everything he wasn’t.
And when it broke, in the end, that’s what Changmin couldn’t forgive. Not the choice they’d made… not differences, hurtful words or damaged memories, no, but the fact that what shattered wasn’t only a group harmony. It was also inside: that image of himself they’d lead him to draw. That image he liked because while it wasn’t perfect, still, it was whole. Changmin needed it as much as he needed them.
And the day they left him, it was himself he lost.
Part 3.
Note: sorry for no YooMin here and sorry for the way I ended it (I don't like it as much as you all probably do lol)... Some things here will be important for what follows though. Hope you'll enjoy this chapter!! :)
As for the sasaengs thing... well, what Min said interviews aside, maybe some of you saw that terrible vid of young Changmin being chased by a bunch of sasaengs alone and at night (though I really hope it's been deleted now) - if you did then you'll know I didn't make up much about that part, context details aside >.<
Pairings: YooMin, HoMin (bff), Changmin centric.
Rating: G (warning!: bandfic, includes lawsuit)
Genre: Angst, Romance
Summary: Saudade, it is all that is left of you. How many times I pulled you up, like all the times you pulled me up. Everything we've shared. Now you are gone, and I don’t have a word to express my feelings; it is not sadness because you gave me happiness, it is not happiness because you are not with me now.
Yunho isn’t good with dates.
That’s a fact few people are aware of - those who experienced it firsthand. The whole world would know, and Yunho’s reputation as a flawless leader would go down the drain in a matter of hours if it wasn’t for the wonderful invention of phones. There’s a reason why Yunho panics without his.
It’s his lifeline. That part of his brain someone forgot to design; the one that deals with birthdays, rendezvous, appointments and agendas. Yunho is very thankful he was born in the 20th century.
Changmin is very thankful too, if only because the idea of working full-time as Yunho’s personal human scheduler doesn’t sit well with him.
There are downsides of course, mainly having to cope with the ceaseless influx of alarms coming from the other’s phone. Changmin sometimes wishes he could crush the damn thing, but that’d mean the end of TVXQ. No less. He can’t risk it.
Surely Yunho would mix up the birthdays of the few thousand people they need to maintain good relationships with, and probably get their ages wrong too. He’d forget to show up at fanmeetings, would board a flight for Singapore while the next day’s concert is in Tokyo, or get the dates wrong for photoshoots one day and end up in a studio full of bikini girls all swarming over him. One of those things actually happened, but Changmin won’t tell which one - just that he was envious.
Another down side directly concerns him. 3PM, on February 17th. The exact time when Yunho’s phone warns him about the upcoming birthday of his only dongsaeng.
If they aren’t together, Changmin will get a “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” text at 3:02PM sharp. Then Yunho will congratulate-spam him for the rest of the day, Changmin will ignore it, the staff will stare wondering why he isn’t answering, Changmin will smile and erase every text he gets, and by the time the 18th comes, he’ll feel like hitting anyone who’ll dare to wish him anything.
It’ll go about the same if they’re together, except real-life Yunho is hard to ignore, and impossible to delete.
Changmin could feel vexed that after more than ten years, the other still needs a reminder. As it is he’s more annoyed about having to deal with birthday wishes several hours ahead, but Yunho wants to be the first to say it. Changmin blames it on the Leader Syndrome.
That’s the name he found for all the weird stuff Yunho does - like rummaging through his things whenever he gets the chance, though Changmin doesn’t know what he’s expecting to find. Drugs, maybe, or pictures of himself drunk and naked and with escort girls.
Anyway.
The birthday thing.
The birthday thing got to the point that this year, as he wakes up on February 17th, Changmin thinks ‘it’s today’. At 3:02PM, he’s on the drama filming location and waiting for the shooting of his next scene when he gets his birthday text.
‘Too early hyung’, he texts back, knowing Yunho will ignore it.
‘Work hard!!~’, the other answers indeed, then ‘happy birthday again’, variations on a ‘time flies’ theme, plenty of things about how Changmin is growing up nicely - as if he just turned 12 -, then ‘I’ll call you later’, ‘how’s your day?’, and after ten minutes, an anxious ‘I’m first right?’
Changmin is pondering whether to answer or not (or rather what to answer first), when another text comes in.
‘I got us a free afternoon on Thursday. Meet me at 2, back door 5!’
He smiles.
‘Ok’, he answers. Then ‘thanks’, followed by one of those smiley faces he’s secretly fond of. It’s admittedly a bit dry, but after all, it’s not even his birthday yet. And Changmin could turn off his phone before another message comes in, but he doesn’t.
He could block Yunho’s number. He could tell him once and for all that the next time he gets a birthday text that’s not strictly past midnight on the 18th, he’ll go have some fun with the escort girls and make sure the pictures make it to the front page of every newspaper in the country the next day.
Instead Changmin lets his phone rings nonstop for the whole afternoon, ignores the way staff stares, and when the 18th comes, he smiles to anyone who wishes him anything, inwardly thinking that Yunho already said it all anyway.
They meet as planned. Thursday, 2PM, back door 5.
‘Back door 5’ is in SM main building. It’s grey and plain-looking, melting into a concrete wall at the end of a stuffy corridor that smells like gasoline. It’s also part of every SM artist survival kit: hidden from the street, offers quick access to the underground parking, and has no camera. It’d be sasaengs’ dream come true if it wasn’t every SM artist’s best kept secret as well.
Changmin isn’t sure what Yunho planned - if he planned anything at all - so he stuck his best anonymity scarf and sunglasses in his bag when he left home earlier. Just in case. He seriously doubts they’ll be of any use if they venture in the wild wild world that’s Seoul streets during the day, but that does make him feel safer. Though he’s admittedly more than a little relieved when Yunho arrives and says they’ll take the car.
But after all, Yunho knows him by heart.
It turns out that there’s nothing planned.
“Freestyle!”, the other blurts in broken English when asked where they’re going. The grin on his face is suspiciously bright and Changmin pauses to wonder if Yunho is actually much more excited than himself, before deciding that he doesn’t care.
They exit SM parking. It appears Yunho did plan things a little because the queue of sasaeng taxis that should already be following them is blocked by people flooding the street behind, surely for some event Changmin hasn’t heard of but that the older man knew about five minutes after it was confirmed.
Yunho fails at remembering dates. He’s scarily good at getting them - comes with years competing with Jaejoong to be the one who’d know things first.
After ten minutes of heedful watch on the rear-view mirror, Changmin starts indulging in the thought that no one might actually be following them. After five more minutes - just to be sure - he relaxes in the passenger seat, and turns to Yunho hoping that the way he’s grinning doesn’t look half as stupid as he fears it does.
“I want to go to Sa-sshi’s place.”
Yunho doesn’t look away from the road but raises an eyebrow at the steering wheel.
“Kalbi? We just ate Changmin-ah…”
It’s not a valid argument. Yunho has known that for exactly ten years and 8 months, from the moment the five of them moved in one place and meals together became a daily occurrence. Changmin doesn’t even bother to answer. He smiles when Yunho turns left at the next junction.
Fifteen minutes later, he’s happily digging into a bowl of Korean beef stew. Sa-sshi’s finest recipe. The one Changmin would immediately inscribe under the UNESCO World Heritage List if a genie gave him one wish, and order a lifetime amount of if he’s granted two. Or maybe the other way around.
“Slow down, it’s not going to disappear”, Yunho jokes, watching him amusedly, hands joined under his chin.
“You mean it’s going to disappear way too soon”, Changmin mutters, already halfway through his bowl. “Can I have a refill?”
“It’s your birthday”, the older man shrugs, turning his head to gaze outside. “But you may want to do something else than feast on kalbi all afternoon and spend the rest of the week assimilating the three cows in your stomach…”
Changmin puts his chopsticks down for the first time since he started eating, eyes narrowing.
“You’re saying that because of what that girl said at the fanmeeting yesterday.”
“No.”
“It upset you that much?”
“Of course not.”
“Come on, you can tell me. I know you’re annoyed.”
“Am not”, Yunho purses his lips a little, still looking out the window.
“You don’t have to go on diet because of this you know.”
“Changmin…”
“I mean, because the manager told you to be careful it doesn’t-“
“Changmin.”
Yunho is smiling in spite of the stern leader-like tone. Changmin takes the next necessary ten seconds to savor another mouthful of meat before he continues.
“She was at least twice your weight, you noticed right?”
“I think I get it.”
“And she gave you chocolates. Where’s the logic in that?”
Yunho doesn’t manage to stifle a small laugh.
“Are you trying to make me feel better or worse?”, he turns to look at him again, crescent eyes smiling back at him, “because I really can’t tell.”
“I’m comforting you of course.”
Changmin looks down at his bowl, staring at it for a while before picking a particularly appealing bit of meat. Yunho doesn’t see it coming. A second later the older man has his mouth full and sauce dripping from his chin, temporarily silenced, and glaring - though the hamster face doesn’t make it look very threatening.
At least the sports show taught him how to aim right and fast, Changmin muses, smiling at the other pleasantly but careful to keep a safe distance because Yunho’s right hand is twitching a little where it’s lying on the table, next to a dangerously sharp knife.
He can’t say he’s surprised when Yunho refuses to buy him another bowl and says they should go somewhere else.
He’s admittedly a little puzzled when he insists Changmin tries on every jacket in the designer clothes store they go to next. “It’s because it’s a special day”, Yunho says, then “that one looks nice”, throwing his way a canary eyesore that the freakiest coordi noonas would never even consider.
Next the anonymity scarf and sunglasses come in handy as they infiltrate a media store so that Changmin can drool in front of rows of video games. He doesn’t have much time for that those days, but a bit of daydreaming can’t hurt. He’s allowed ten minutes of spazzing before Yunho drags him to the DVD section, saying he wants to buy his girlfriend a romance movie. And it must be important because the other takes an awfully long time to pick one.
“Are you sure it’s not for yourself?”, Changmin asks after a while, “because from what I know Ah-Jeong likes watching wrestling matches.”
He runs away before the older man can react. Better safe than sorry, and he has a feeling he’s really trying Yunho’s patience today. The other doesn’t have the same scruples as before about getting back at him when Changmin toys with lines and goes a bit too far.
Five minutes later though, Yunho looks more or less unfazed when he finds him crouching next to a shelf, trying hard not to look like he’s hiding - just suddenly interested in a series of books about house plants repotting.
“Get up”, the older man says, looking down at him, “we’re leaving.”
“You found me.”
“Yes.”
“How?”
“Cos I implanted a microchip in your left foot of course. Now let’s go.”
“You didn’t take any DVD”, Changmin comments as he stands up carefully, throwing a cursory look around. It’s not Yunho he’s afraid of, but he’s pretty sure the lady standing near the emergency exit was looking at him a little weirdly.
“Impossible with you around”, Yunho answers flatly, though the spark in his eyes says he’s the opposite of angry, “come on now, there’s somewhere I want to bring you.”
“Where?”
“You’ll see.”
Yunho takes him to a music store that doesn’t have five floors and fancy glass doors, but that looks like the owner has been too busy playing guitar during the past 15 years to remember to dust it from time to time. There are CDs here that Changmin believed even the internet didn’t have, and while he’s far from being an expert, a few music scores that he thinks are worth more than the last cool car the company gave him.
He now knows where Yunho disappeared to the past 6 months, when he “went out for a while” and refused to say more - he said he’d tell when Changmin would stop pestering him with questions. After 4 months Changmin came to the conclusion it was probably some creepy bowling alley where people lived without electricity and never heard about K-pop. Probably in Gwanju, given how long Yunho went missing each time.
Had he known, he’d have stopped asking sooner.
They stay here for two hours that pass like ten minutes, until Changmin’s stomach grumbles to inform him that Sa-sshi’s beef has been annihilated, and some more work would be welcomed.
The rest of the day passes in a blur. Yunho stoically withstands a continuous flow of demands and sarcasms that mean nothing but that Changmin is really loosening up for the first time in weeks. They joke a lot about that side of him in front of cameras, but the truth is that he seldom allows himself to act up. Just like Yunho isn’t as cute and forgetful as many would like to believe (the dates problem aside, of course).
It’s already dark when they head back to his place.
They grabbed Thai food on the way, and plans for the night consist in dinner and a decent amount of soju, and that’s all. And it’s good, Changmin thinks, unaware of the smile floating on his lips as he thinks of the magnificent “nothing” written above his schedule for tomorrow morning. He won’t tell him - at least not before his third soju bottle - but Yunho is a genius.
When Changmin gets out of the car, he forgets to look around for sasaengs like he normally always does. He asks what Yunho had to blackmail management with to get them a full day off; all his attention is on the other as he laughs and answers that “you don’t want to know”.
Changmin doesn’t see the small group of people watching them from behind a large concrete pillar, just ten meters away. Yunho sees though.
He lost them when they left SM building, but sasaengs showed up barely fifteen minutes after they arrived to Sa-sshi’s restaurant - blame Changmin’s loyalty to his favorite place to eat - and Yunho had a hard time shaking them off. Going to the music store eventually did the trick. He hadn’t planned to go there, but that worked, and in the end it’s all that matters.
That, and the rare look of happiness on Changmin’s face now - untroubled and relaxed.
Free.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
They all had something they just couldn’t deal with. A topic that’d instantly trigger a defensive reaction - anger or fear - if approached the wrong way. A memory, a name, an issue that once mentioned could open wide the door to insecurities, uncovering a corner of that secret darkness you’d find in anyone.
During the first months, they learnt to be extra careful while handling some matters. Living together as five guys who all felt the need to prove themselves obviously came with a lot of arguing and fighting, but the only times when the situation really got out of hand invariably coincided with one of those sensitive topics coming up the wrong way.
For Junsu, it was Junho.
A word against his twin brother, and he’d instantly unleash aggressiveness he never showed when it came to himself alone. Junho was off-limits, and that’s the one line they’d drawn as to how far the whole Junsu-bullying thing could go.
It was about the same for Yunho, but with his father.
For Yoochun it wasn’t as simple, but basically had to do with things ending. Breakups, right, for instance, but also much less significant happenings. Cheap psychology here would say it had to do with his parents’ divorce, but Changmin wouldn’t swear it. Yoochun had always been by far the most complicated to understand amongst them five.
For Jaejoong it was a lot of things. It also changed several times along years.
How he used to be tone deaf. His adoption, next that relationship with an older girl in their Japanese staff that had to stop when management said so. And more. Toward the end, it was goals. Objectives. Targets. Sales, rankings, popularity, and figures, and records… pressure that made Jaejoong feel like “I’m a waste of their time if I’m just here and breathing, and not torturing myself about how I could possibly try harder”.
For Changmin, it was sasaengs.
He could manage rather well the downsides that came along with the name they carried - the lack of sleep and pressure and missing home, and even being ceaselessly compared to four people he harbored a bit of an inferiority complex toward - all of it, he could handle. All but one thing.
From the very beginning, he’d had trouble dealing with the lack of privacy
Be it in dorms as a trainee or later in one apartment with the four others, always having people around made him nervous. Anxious. It kept him on edge for months, until Changmin found ways to cope - studying, mainly, since he only had to open a textbook for the others to leave him alone. It was all good for a while then the sasaengs issue came up, minor at first, before it got beyond control.
But there were more pressing matters than a bunch of insane girls with nothing better to do than follow them around. The others endured it, and so did Changmin. He told himself he’d get used to it. He told himself it’d calm down. Instead it just grew worse, and worse, and worse.
Until it became too much, and Changmin didn’t even see it coming.
It all started with a bad day; the kind that goes as wrong as wrong can get. Barely a year after debut.
Changmin had woken up with a stiff neck and stuffy nose, after a nearly sleepless night. He was worried about midterms, though no one else cared amidst the rush of preparations for their upcoming debut in Japan. He was unable to focus during his morning classes, and couldn’t get a single move right during the afternoon practice. The dance instructor did nothing but bark at him during the two hours it lasted. To crown it all Jaejoong was acting cold and distant, and no one knew why. That made Yoochun cranky, Junsu silent, and Yunho nervous.
Evening came at last. Changmin was hungry, tired, stressed, and fighting a beginning of cold when his mother called to tell him she was bringing his grandfather to the hospital - don’t worry, it’s nothing, I’ll tell you more later - ending the call abruptly but not before he heard the strain in her voice.
And Changmin had only wanted a bit of solitude. He only craved a moment for himself without anyone around to ask questions or talk to him. He took advantage of the general disturbance Jaejoong’s bad mood had cast over the apartment, and sneaked out to go to the small park behind the sports ground, just two streets away. He was there for less than five minutes when the first sasaengs arrived.
Leaving at night without telling anyone was admittedly a stupid thing to do, but Changmin never thought it’d turn out that bad.
There were at least ten of them before he even started walking back home, shoving their cameras under his nose, screaming “oppa” in his ears, trying to touch, wanting him to look, their hands and voices and close… way too close, tugging at his clothes, surrounding him even as he was running now, even when they could see the tears on his face, not caring in the least when he stopped and crouched down and curled on himself begging them to just go.
Changmin doesn’t know how he made it back home, but ten minutes later he was in the hallway outside their door, panting, heart banging inside his chest, casting wild glances around because maybe they’d followed him here.
It took a while before he could calm down. The hallway was eerily quiet but he had their voices in his head. After a while they fell to a murmur at the back of his mind - disturbing, but bearable. Changmin wiped the last tears away once his hands stopped shaking. He took a couple deep breaths, opened the door, then dashed to his bed.
No one stopped him. They hadn’t noticed his absence, thankfully. Yunho would’ve gotten angry at him. Junsu would’ve nodded to every word he said, and with Jaejoong being weird and Yoochun following suit, Changmin doubted anyone would have taken his side.
He cried himself to sleep that night. It hadn’t happened in years, yet he still didn’t recognize it for what it was.
Exactly a week later, the five of them came back home in the evening only to discover someone had broken in.
The living room was a mess, and so was the bedroom. Nothing of value had been stolen though, and there were notes here and there that left no doubt as to who had come in. They gathered next to the couch without a word, unconsciously staying close together. Yunho looked upset. Junsu, Yoochun, Jaejoong looked upset, the expressions on their faces ranging from mild anger to repressed murder urges.
As for Changmin, it was crumbling inside.
He was frozen on spot. His mind completely blank.
His hands started shaking as panic took over fast and he couldn’t stop it. He felt trapped, surrounded, assaulted and abused even till in the last safe spaces - in his house, his secrets and his mind. The murmurs in his head suddenly rose in volume until they filled it all… until he could tell apart each of their voices and feel their hands on him, touching his face, grabbing his arms, unbearably close and like all around him now, outside… inside, crawling up the walls of his mind and seeing him, all of him, until there was no more space for him breathe or think or live and they were everywhere.
He thinks Yoochun cursed. He heard Jaejoong talk, then someone touched his arm and the moment that followed Changmin was losing it.
The next thing he knew he was crying, sobbing, screaming hysterically and blindly moving away from the hands trying to touch him. In his memories it lasted for hours. Maybe it did, maybe it was only ten minutes. He doesn’t know. He never asked. He remembers what he said though.
If anything, Changmin is thankful that no matter how violently they sometimes argued in the following years, the four others never used it against him. Even at the worst of times. Even when nothing was left but the need to hurt, no one ever went as far as throwing in his face the things Changmin said that evening.
That he wanted to leave.
That he couldn’t do it. That if this is what it was, then he wouldn’t do it, wanted to stop everything… wanted to go back home, and have a normal life again. That he didn’t care anymore, couldn’t do this, couldn’t, didn’t want to, because it was too hard and it wasn’t for him, and they’d do better without him anyway, then a crushed mess of mixed up fears and doubts that Changmin thought he was handling perfectly well till then.
It’s the first and last time he broke down that badly.
He’d do anything to forget, but that day had too many consequences for the memory of it to just fade away.
When he woke up the next morning, the place was strangely quiet. Junsu was sitting next to his bed, having probably received instructions to stay here. He gave him an unsure smile as soon as their eyes met.
“Go back to sleep”, he said, “today’s schedule has been cancelled.”
Changmin got out of bed anyway. He felt a bit disoriented but not as much as he’d have liked. The past night’s events kept replaying in his head in spite of how hard he was trying not to think about it; that was bad enough already. He didn’t want to make it worse by hiding in bed all day long.
He could hear Jaejoong and Yoochun’s voices in the kitchen, and headed that way. They both stopped talking when they saw him come in.
Just as silence was getting awkward, Jaejoong told him to sit and started spreading on the table more food Changmin had ever seen here. He looked like he hadn’t slept at all. Yoochun’s eyes were fixed on him, his expression intent yet undecipherable.
It was quiet until Changmin finally dared to ask where Yunho was, barely recognizing his own voice - too low, too hoarse. Yoochun answered he’d gone to talk to management, and apprehension hit Changmin in the gut. He put down his chopsticks.
He wasn’t hungry. Suddenly felt sick. He could hear his own voice shouting that “I don’t want to be here!! I’ve never wanted to!!”, and now he thought he was going to throw up. There were hot tears pressing at the corners of his eyes. If Yoochun and Jaejoong stared any longer, Changmin was going to start crying again and he didn’t want to. He looked down and closed his eyes, nails digging into his palms, wishing he’d just disappear.
They heard the front door opening. Changmin’s heart sank as apprehension abruptly sharpened, bordering panic again. Yunho came in a second later, closely followed by Junsu; the grim look on the older one’s face didn’t bode well, nor did the ominous silence in the room. Changmin jerked away when Jaejoong came forward to put a hand on his shoulder. It took all of his willpower not to look away as Yunho’s eyes found his.
“Take your time”, the other told him with a forced smile, motioning toward the food, “eat something then come to the bedroom. I’ve to talk to you.”
Changmin nodded, his throat awfully tight, aware it’d be a miracle if he managed to drink half a glass of water. Blood rushed to his face when he thought again of what he’d screamed the day before, this time remembering as well the look on Yunho’s face whenever he said what he thought of people who gave up. People who stopped halfway. People who were selfish enough to jeopardize the efforts of tens of others, just because they were never serious about their work to begin with.
The older one had barely left, and Changmin was once more on the verge of tears.
He had yet to undergo Yunho’s anger. He’d seen it before though, and had promised himself he’d do what he had to so that it’d never been directed at him. Needless to say, when he dragged his feet to the bedroom fifteen minutes later, he was desperately wishing he’d be going in the opposite direction in spite of the three others’ assurances that it’d go well.
It turned out they were right, and he was worrying in vain. More or less.
Yunho wanted to talk, just that - or rather, he wanted him to talk. This time Changmin wasn’t given a choice. And he hated every second of it, hated each of the words that clumsily poured out, and how childish, how cowardly they sounded even to him. But when Yunho said to look at him at the end of it, when Changmin met his eyes and saw the kindness here, all of it suddenly seemed a little lighter.
He still felt ashamed when a few more tears fell. He didn’t manage to deny it when Yunho said it was going too far, and that he needed help. Then all Changmin had to do was nod along to everything the older said, next bear with worried stares and invading attentions for the rest of the day. He knew better than to argue or complain.
That same afternoon, the locks of their apartment were changed, a backup measure of sorts until they’d move to another place (which they did three weeks later). The next day, Changmin met his new psychologist. It was the first therapy session of a long series - one that’d go intensively for about two years, and continue at a less sustained pace during three more years.
But the most obvious change was in the others’ attitude toward him.
They all knew already he didn’t like that “youngest” tag he had been obliged to put on, and tried not to treat him as such when it was just the five of them. Not that it stopped from that moment on. They continued respecting that about him, but not anymore when it came to sasaengs. Not when it involved him. It was the one thing they wouldn’t let him get away with, the one matter that was never treated lightly again as far as he was concerned.
Just like him, they never forgot that day.
Sometimes Changmin wished they had. He even said so from time to time, arguing that he was good now, and they didn’t need to go spare every time a sasaeng ventured within a ten meters radius of him. But deep inside, it reassured him to know they knew. To have them close. To see them here, the four of them aware that Changmin was a lot of things and cowardly wasn’t one of them, but sometimes… sometimes.
Sometimes he needed them.
Sometimes they were all he could rely on, and somewhere along the way, he got used to the idea like he’d gotten used to singing, dancing, fans, photoshoots, interviews. Changmin got used to them like one would get used to a safety net - a hand on his back before going up the stage, a few words thwarting criticism before it could reach him, eyes that pretended not to watch but actually saw all.
They could make him forget everything he wasn’t.
And when it broke, in the end, that’s what Changmin couldn’t forgive. Not the choice they’d made… not differences, hurtful words or damaged memories, no, but the fact that what shattered wasn’t only a group harmony. It was also inside: that image of himself they’d lead him to draw. That image he liked because while it wasn’t perfect, still, it was whole. Changmin needed it as much as he needed them.
And the day they left him, it was himself he lost.
Part 3.
Note: sorry for no YooMin here and sorry for the way I ended it (I don't like it as much as you all probably do lol)... Some things here will be important for what follows though. Hope you'll enjoy this chapter!! :)
As for the sasaengs thing... well, what Min said interviews aside, maybe some of you saw that terrible vid of young Changmin being chased by a bunch of sasaengs alone and at night (though I really hope it's been deleted now) - if you did then you'll know I didn't make up much about that part, context details aside >.<