Saudade (Across from you) [Chapter 2]
Chapter: 2/?
Pairings: YooMin, HoMin (bff), Changmin centric.
Rating: G (warning!: bandfic, includes lawsuit)
Genre: Angst, Romance
Summary: Saudade, it is all that is left of you. How many times I pulled you up, like all the times you pulled me up. Everything we've shared. Now you are gone, and I don’t have a word to express my feelings; it is not sadness because you gave me happiness, it is not happiness because you are not with me now.
He’s pissed.
That is very rare. Granted, Changmin is often thoughtful. Melancholic. Grumpy. Call it however you want, but anger isn’t his thing. When he does get angry though, he has to admit it can be a bit scary.
He stomps his way up the stairs leading to Yunho’s place, not bothering to ring at the door and using his key to come in. Changmin makes a beeline for the bedroom, only slightly relieved to see Yunho lying on his bed, and not being awfully stupid like he often does by pretending all is fine. The older man turns his head when he hears him come in, grimacing as he sees the look on his face.
“Changmin…”
“You!!!”
He’s so dam angry the words don’t pass his throat. He stays planted here, jaw clenched, glaring his darkest glare and hoping Yunho will self-combust under it and maybe that’d teach him something at last. Yunho fidgets uncomfortably, shrinking a little and having the decency to look sorry, but that barely does anything to soothe the piercing ache in Changmin’s chest, the one that made it hard to breathe ever since their manager called twenty minutes ago.
“Just a bit of hypoglycemia”, the man had said hastily as soon as he realized Changmin was literally fuming on the other side of the line, “I just wanted to tell you he’s resting now. Don’t-“
Changmin hung up on him. He was going to kill Yunho. Was going to stuff his throat with sweets and chocolate and cakes until the other begged him to stop and there’d be enough sugar in his damn idiotic blood to last a year or more.
“I hate it when you look at me like that”, Yunho groans, hiding his eyes behind his arm, “go away, and don’t come back until you don’t look like I stole your fridge and deserve death sentence.”
“You find it funny??”, Changmin seethes, though the ache in his chest does subside a little. “You nearly fainted while driving Yunho!!”
“I-“
“When was the last time you ate??!!”
“…Ten minutes ago?”
Oh god he’s going to kill him for real.
Yunho probably saw something dangerous pass on his face because he sits up on the bed, waving his hands defensively.
“Okay okay. Here…”, he pats the bed next to him, “come and sit and stop looking at me like that because I swear it freaks me out.”
“The last time you ate?!!”
Yunho frowns, pouts, sighs, and murmurs a ‘yesterday morning’, so low Changmin barely hears it. He hears it anyway, and resists the urge to grab Yunho’s bedside lamp and hit the other’s head with it until some sense makes it through his thick stupid stupid stupid skull. It’s either that, or he’ll start feeling like he wants to cry because if there’s one thing in the world Changmin absolutely can’t bear, it’s the idea of something happening to Yunho.
His heartbeat slowed down, his chest doesn’t hurt as much, but he’s still too angry to surrender to the other’s pleading look.
Yunho has been dealing with slight eating disorder ever since the lawsuit happened. It’s not much of a secret; the older man can’t exactly hide the way his weight randomly drops and increases. He’s coping much better now, but there’s still room for improvement. Changmin didn’t need this to be reminded though.
“You idiot!!”, he shouts again, because now that he’s reassured, he needs to vent, “at least don’t take the car when you’re like that!! What the hell were you thinking?!!”
Yunho’s lips stay sealed. He looks away, his cheeks faintly red, and just like that Changmin knows it’s one of those stupid I’m-gonna-lose-five-pounds-this-week challenges he sets for himself whenever things get a little out of control. Changmin’s hands are shaking slightly as he takes a deep breath, and he obliges himself to calm down.
“What happened?!”, he asks, still harsh but not as much as before.
Yunho shrugs, silent for a couple minutes more.
Then he starts talking about his girlfriend and how she’s pressuring him because she wants to date out in the open and Yunho does like Ah-Jeong a lot, but he’s not sure it’s that kind of relationship, you know, and with all the promotions coming their way in both South Korea and Japan he can’t really afford to do them that kind of publicity right? And his mother turned 60 recently but he could only give her a phone call and sometimes he’s worried because he’s sure she won’t tell him if something bad happens at home because she knows he has a lot of things to deal with already, but he wants to know anyway. Yunho adds a few words about pressure from management and maybe army enlistment soon and what will happen then?
By the time he’s done, Changmin really doesn’t feel like screaming at him anymore.
“I’m sorry I scared you”, Yunho concludes, watching him apologetically, and Changmin’s heart drops.
He was scared right. He’s had his share of hard times in the past, reasons to be angry, stressed, anxious, and at some point flirting with depression and breakdown. But fear, real fear is still that hospital room eight years ago, feeling nauseous and downright terrified because doctors just explained about pumping Yunho’s stomach and there were tubes and beeping everywhere, and Yunho’s face so pale and worn Changmin barely recognized him.
He feels a bit weak in the legs and goes to sit on the edge of the bed, looking down at the floor.
“I don’t know why I put up with you”, he says for good measure, waiting for his feelings to go back where they’re supposed to.
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re stupid.”
“Yes.”
“An idiot.”
“Yes.”
Changmin looks up once he’s sure he won’t cry, swallowing with an effort. Yunho’s face is a tiny bit white but it’s nothing like the dreadful paleness that still haunts him at times. He unclenches his fists, realizing only know how tight he kept them closed.
“I’m sorry Changmin-ah”, Yunho says again gently, putting his hand above his. “Really, really sorry.”
Changmin nods once, then again, more vigorously.
“What do you want to eat tonight?”, he asks, not removing his hand from Yunho’s hold just yet because there are still thin threads of something cold and paralyzing intertwined with his thoughts. “I will order something nice, and you’d better eat it all…”
His voice trails off too soon, wavering a little. Yunho pretends not to notice.
Changmin stays at his place that evening. He makes sure Yunho eats. He tells him about how his drama filming went earlier, blabbering and rambling and stumbling on words more than usual, but Yunho smiles as he listens, and it’s not the warm smile.
It’s kind, and thankful, and also the most precious thing in Changmin’s life now.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Yoochun had the silliest smiles.
Sly smirks and wide grins alike, there was often something bordering farcical in them. After all, it was his role to be the foolish one. The clown. The guy who could make fun of anything (especially Junsu), and make everyone laugh (especially Jaejoong). Changmin never understood fans’ obsession for Junsu’s infamous ‘eun-kyang-kyang’ when Yoochun was quite clearly a human-shaped hyena.
Not that he cared, as long as he wasn’t the one known nationwide for something as embarrassing as having a ridiculous laugh. That’s conveniently forgetting the rumors about Jaejoong and his first kiss, of course. Or that awkward moment of truth on a certain TV show involving videos and his mother in the audience. Changmin is particularly good at forgetting what he wants to forget.
Though sometimes it’s a bit more complicated than that.
As it happened, Junsu and Yoochun were engaged in a tickling contest, loudly boasting their respective laughter, when life chose a roundabout way to remind Changmin of something he’d gladly have forgotten as well.
They were in Japan - had been for four months, with their schedule packed for at least four more there - and the homesickness was starting to take its toll on them. A sure sign of that was how Yunho hadn’t said a word to stop Junsu and Yoochun from wreaking havoc in the living room, letting them ruin the place without so much as a resigned shake of the head.
As for Changmin, missing home invariably ended up leading him to the kitchen, where he’d find food and Jaejoong. A homesick Jaejoong nagged a lot. Fretted a lot. Needed to fuss over someone, and while Changmin made sure to look reluctant while being on the receiving end of it all, it did make him feel better. Sometimes. What was sure is that it made Jaejoong feel better, and when Jaejoong’s mood improved, everyone’s did as well.
So he was in the kitchen, aimlessly gravitating around the older boy, sighing every so often, staring holes in the back of his head whenever Jaejoong wasn’t looking, and generally trying not to be too obvious about needing the attention when he heard Yoochun’s ringtone rise amidst high-pitched giggles and hyena laughter.
A minute later the living room went awfully quiet.
Changmin stopped in the middle of opening every cupboard in the kitchen, exchanging a frown with Jaejoong before they both went to take a look.
They found Yoochun sitting crossed-legged on the floor, his expression suspiciously blank. Junsu was patting his back awkwardly. He threw them a helpless look as soon as they arrived, and Jaejoong took the matter in his own hands. He told him to go get Yunho while Junsu was waving his hands around weirdly, apparently trying to explain something though Changmin didn’t know how sawing wood could be relevant here.
It turned out that Yoochun’s girlfriend had just broken up with him, arguing that long-distance was too hard to deal with, before mentioning casually that another guy had been making advances to her for weeks. A guy who was not stuck on the other side of the Sea of Japan.
Changmin already knew by then that Yoochun wasn’t good at dealing with breakups.
Or rather, he just didn’t deal with them at all.
The following days saw Yoochun wallowing in misery, moping around every hour of the day, dampening the general mood even more and incidentally decorating the place with used tissues. No one dared to mention that last bit ever since Jaejoong had attempted to talk to him after finding them sprinkled all around the sanctuary that was the music room. Yoochun had actually screamed at him - Yoochun never screamed at Jaejoong - swearing loud enough for Changmin to feel grateful that it was in Korean and this was Japan and the neighbors wouldn’t understand.
The worst of it eventually passed, and the moment came when Yoochun started needing cheering up and comfort. The two things in the world Changmin least knew how to do. And it didn’t help that the three others were so damn good at it.
Take Yunho for instance… he just had to put aside his leader hat.
Back then nothing could possibly be more comforting than Yunho being well, Yunho, when he allowed himself to treat them like he probably did with his sister, and would certainly do in the future with his 25 kids. The best of Jaejoong’s pampering looked like amateur’s work in comparison. For days, Yoochun got for himself all the smiles and kindness Yunho could provide, and Changmin thought it probably felt much like having the sun shine all for him, and him only. With Bambi as an added bonus.
Junsu took to bringing Yoochun along on shopping trips. Not the kind of shopping Changmin feared and Jaejoong relished in, no. More like the kind where they came back with nothing but pictures of themselves wearing clothes so flashy and ugly they were probably illegal in some parts of the world. Yoochun came back one evening saying the store staff threw them out because Junsu was laughing so loud it scared away other customers. He was smiling. Junsu looked proud, and Changmin felt a little envious.
But the deathblow had yet to come, and of course, it was Jaejoong. He gave a CD to Yoochun one morning, telling him to listen later with a smile that was definitely hiding something.
Jaejoong wrote a song - without doubt the silliest thing he’d ever come up with. It was about Yoochun’s now ex-girlfriend, her obsession with pink, her insane cat, her smelly feet, and how she called him “Yoochy” thinking it sounded American. It was brilliant. Yoochun couldn’t possibly cry hearing Jaejoong sing “the meanie dumped Yoochy, let’s all give him smoochies” at the top of his lungs.
And then there was Changmin.
The only idea he’d come up with so far was giving Yoochun chocolates. It was so lame he hadn’t even come around buying them, and two weeks after the breakup, he still hadn’t done anything. Not that he had to, but with the three others literally showering Yoochun with attentions, Changmin was feeling uncomfortably singled out. He knew Yoochun knew he wasn’t good at this. That didn’t mean he was fine with being deemed once more as the awkward one.
So one evening, he took his courage in both hands and knocked at the door of Yoochun and Jaejoong’s room, hoping said courage would magically morph into inspiring words. Though chances were high it’d turn out to be something along the lines of “so I’m here and well, if you want to talk, you know, then I guess that’s all and bye”.
But Changmin figured he’d rather feel bad about failing at comforting friends than feel bad about failing at being a friend. If that even made sense.
When he came in he found Yoochun alone, lying on the bed and eyes fixed on the ceiling. The other turned his head to look at him, not bothering to stand or sit up. He looked in a bad mood, Changmin noticed at once. Eyes dark, silent, his mouth set in a hard line. The time probably wasn’t right. It was a bit too late to go back now.
Changmin opened his mouth, praying that whatever words would come out, it wouldn’t sound too stupid.
“So it’s your turn”, Yoochun said then, voice flat and a little sarcastic, and Changmin’s mouth instantly fell shut. “What is it now? ‘Do you want to go for a drink hyung?’ Or maybe, ‘we could watch a movie together hyung?’”.
He watched as the other sat up on the bed, looking at him in a way that was anything but kind.
“And before you ask, yes, I’m feeling fucking amazing.”
Definitely not in a good mood.
“Hyung…”
“But go ahead, I’m listening”, Yoochun kept going, obviously on the edge. “I can’t wait to hear what you’ll do so I’ll stop feeling like shit, because obviously, I am, right?”
Changmin winced, more thrown-off by Yoochun’s harsh tone than by the words themselves. He swallowed with an effort, feeling red creep up his cheeks. Yoochun could be mean when pushed to his limits. Really mean.
“So what is it?!”, the other snarled then, making him start a little. “Come on, I just told you I’m feeling exactly like the pathetic looser I am. Now you aren’t going to get off my back either, are you?”
“I just…”, Changmin looked around helplessly, taking a small step back toward the door. “I thought you… it’s… well, later is fine, I don’t want…”
Great. Great. He was rambling now.
He stopped talking, throat tight and face flushed, avoiding Yoochun’s hostile stare. Feeling utterly mortified. In other circumstances he’d probably be angry, but right now there was too much aggressiveness in Yoochun’s every action, and Changmin was too unsure to face it. He took the cowardly option, and turned away to leave without another word.
Talk about bringing comfort, he thought, more hurt than he was willing to admit as he reached for the handle.
He wished he hadn’t come at all. Changmin wasn’t good at this, he knew he wasn’t, but still, there was no need for Yoochun to lash out at him that way. He could feel the heat radiating from his face. One more thing to add to the long, long list of vexations and frustrations that piled up the past months. Changmin didn’t hear Yoochun come after him and stopped when a hand caught his wrist, just before he opened the door.
“Changmin-”
“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have…”, he said, not knowing what he was sorry for. He wanted to get out of there, go to his room and be alone. “I just thought… maybe you wanted to talk but…”
But not to him, obviously. And really, why would Yoochun want that when he had Yunho and Junsu and Jaejoong… all three of them ready to listen and give useful advice and proper comfort?
“Changmin.”
Yoochun tugged on his arm gently and Changmin looked up, hoping that somehow the other wouldn’t notice he was bright red. At least Yoochun’s eyes weren’t as cold as a minute ago, he thought to himself. Actually they looked rather kind. Apologetic. Tired, too.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that…”, the other said much more softly. “It’s just… the past days. You know.”
Changmin didn’t know but he nodded anyway. He wanted to go now. Wanted to be alone, that’s all. He made another move toward the door, stopping again when Yoochun tightened his hold onto his wrist.
“Changmin-ah…”
“I get it”, he muttered, not quite able to hide the underlying bitterness in his tone, “I’ll leave you alone. Don’t worry.”
Yoochun sighed, moving until he was standing between him and the door, effectively preventing him from leaving.
“I’m sorry okay? I shouldn’t have said that.”
Changmin nodded again. Lips pressed tight. Looking down. He knew he looked like he was sulking, but it wasn’t like that. It wasn’t. It felt awful and he wanted to be alone. He wanted to be home.
He missed home.
So damn much.
“Hey…”
Another small tug at his arm. Changmin swallowed the lump in his throat before looking up again, but something must have shown on his face because Yoochun’s expression went from sorry to concerned.
“Are you alright?”
Changmin nodded for the umpteenth time that evening, wishing the other would just let go of him.
“Of course”, he answered, clearly hearing the crack in his own voice, “I will just… I will. I mean. If you don’t feel okay you know…”
You know I’m here.
One moment Yoochun was holding his wrist, and the next his arms were around him. Changmin went completely still. A small part of him was struggling to understand what was happening now, while everything else simply got stuck behind, unable to go past a sudden surge of sensations he shouldn’t even be feeling. One he always did his best to ignore.
That little something wrong.
Yoochun’s arms. His warmth. The scent, and closeness, and the odd awareness that this was Yoochun and Changmin didn’t know why it mattered, but somehow it did. It did.
Of course they’d hugged and held hands and that kind of thing the past months. A lot. After and before concerts or rewards, with the three others, on stage, on TV, in front of fans and other people, and that was just fine… that felt just fine.
But there were also times like this, when the mood, the place, the hour made it seem different. When the feelings found him unprepared or confused, and washed over him before he could stop them.
Times when Yoochun’s fingers squeezed his without reason, furtively, at a moment when no one was watching, and because it was secret… because it was hidden, Changmin felt it was wrong. Times when the hugs lasted a second too long… times when Yoochun’s hands went too low, held him too tight, lingered too long, though Changmin knew it was all in his own head. Times when Yoochun stared, and didn’t look away even when he knew Changmin had noticed.
He always ignored it or pretended to forget, but this time he didn’t know if it’d work. Now Changmin was caught up in emotions he never, ever voiced out, and that Yoochun alone seemed able to pick up - always.
And that shouldn’t make him feel special, Changmin thought, shutting his eyes tight… it shouldn’t, couldn’t, but it always did, and he didn’t even know if ‘special’ was more soothing or frightening.
“I’m a jerk, okay?”, he heard Yoochun whisper, “and a depressing one at that, so don’t let me get to you.”
Changmin tried to laugh but it didn’t go past his throat. At least he knew better than to return the embrace, he thought, glad that his arms were still hanging uselessly on each side of him. It felt weird, admittedly. Or rather they felt weird, Yoochun and him. Even now, three years after debut.
Things were well defined with the three others. Changmin knew the lines, knew what he could and should say to each of them. He knew what he was to them, and while it was not always easy, at least things were clear. But with Yoochun, they weren’t. There was too much distance, then not enough. Every time one of them tried a step closer, the other would make two steps back or go one step too far. Lines kept changing. One day they were good, joking around, laughing together, and it felt natural and simple. The next it was awkward and they didn’t know why.
But it was also easy to ignore as busy days rushed by, leaving little time for introspection.
That’s when Changmin realized that he had returned the embrace, that his arms were around Yoochun’s body, his hands high on his back. Breathing slow. Eyes still closed.
Now the right thing to do would’ve been to let go, smile, and say it was all fine - I understand, just know I’m here if you need me - then leave. Instead Changmin came a little closer. He nearly sighed in contentment when Yoochun started rubbing his hands up and down his back. He was relaxing, giving in, slowly forgetting where he was and with who, when Yoochun whispered his name - in his ear, soft and warm, and more.
Changmin stiffened abruptly, realizing at last what was happening.
Yoochun’s hands stopped moving. Things went once more from okay to awkward. Silent. Tense. Changmin didn’t dare to pull away. He’d a feeling ‘awkward’ would become ‘very very awkward’ if he just met the other’s eyes.
“…What did you want to tell me?”, Yoochun said after a long silence, loosening his hold a little but keeping his arms around him.
“Nothing important”, Changmin muttered, a bit upset to realize how true that was as he said it, “I just wanted to know if I could do something. I guess.”
“I see…”
Yoochun sighed, and Changmin repressed a shiver when the blow of warm air brushed past his neck. The other’s face was close, cheeks nearly touching, his lips an inch away. Then one of Yoochun’s hands was on the back of his head, his fingers lightly threading through his hair. Changmin didn’t know anymore what was the right thing to do. He leaned into the touch. The next moment their cheeks were touching, the corner of his mouth pressed against Yoochun’s skin, and he wasn’t sure who’d done it. His face felt warm again but for much different reasons.
His heart was racing. He wondered if Yoochun could feel it. He wondered if Yoochun was the same, and just as that thought crossed his mind, Changmin’s arms tightened their hold onto the other.
There’d always been so much space between Yoochun and him.
They were close in many ways, of course they were. But it was like what they shared all fit in a thin thread, while everything around was empty and waiting to be filled. The words they said reached across but never quite aimed right. The way they behaved with each other always lacked something - a depth, thickness, or truth maybe. It was never wrong but never right either, perpetually changing and adjusting without ever finding balance. Like they were constantly missing the point.
But right now was different.
Right now Changmin’s heart ached, vainly reaching out for something he couldn’t even name. It was just a hug, the rational part of him reasoned, and it wasn’t wrong.
It didn’t feel like ‘just a hug’ though, and even less when Yoochun came closer, one hand moving to his lower back while the other was still stroking his hair. Quiet. Charged silence - something was unfolding, finally allowed to fill its own right space. Changmin breathed in, eyes closed, senses soaking in a scent and touch that was at the same time familiar and inexplicably new.
It didn’t feel like ‘just a hug’, he realized when Yoochun moved and pulled him even closer, because it didn’t feel like comfort anymore. The other’s chest falling and rising fast. The silence, not peaceful but full - just full. Anticipation and awareness, both defined more clearly with every passing second.
It didn’t feel like comfort.
It felt like wanting to be close. Wanting to touch. Wanting it to be different, and special, and then there was his pounding heart and the way his lips tingled, less than an inch from Yoochun’s face.
Changmin abruptly pulled away.
He stepped back until he deemed the distance between them safe enough. Heart beating all the wrong ways, his thoughts a mess, probably looking flustered and other things he didn’t even dare to name. He looked at Yoochun apprehensively, inwardly praying for things to go back to normal, and felt relieved beyond words seeing the other’s expression. A small, embarrassed smile. A nearly sheepish look passing over his features as he rubbed the back of his neck with one hand.
Normal, all normal.
Changmin missed the darker flash of regret and maybe something more crossing Yoochun’s eyes, and smiled.
“You should’ve gone to Jaejoong if you needed a hug”, he tried to joke, and while it was lame it was still much better than the earlier tension.
“He does that better than me.”
“He does that all the time”, Yoochun retorted, “but you’re a rare treat.”
It was said with just the right amount of teasing and Changmin smiled more widely, relaxing a little now that most of the awkwardness was gone.
“I’m just not good at this.”
“You should give yourself more credit”, Yoochun shrugged. He looked up at the ceiling then glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, a small smile floating on his lips. “Can I have another one?”
“Another what?”
“Hug.”
Changmin stared at him pointedly. Yoochun made grabby hands at him, grinning his silliest smile, adding in a few funny faces, and Changmin gave in. He was laughing even as the other took him in his arms once again. And this time, it really was ‘just a hug’. It was two friends, comfort, feeling nice and at peace, and glad that they weren’t alone.
Changmin let minutes pass, holding Yoochun a little awkwardly, much like he’d do if it was with Junsu or Jaejoong. This time the distance was just right, he told himself. Just right. Maybe he needed to convince himself it was. Maybe it was just the truth.
Yoochun sniffed.
“Are you crying hyung?”
“Am not.”
“…Should I give you smoochies?”, Changmin ventured, rewarded by a groan and a light blow to his side.
“Shut up.”
There was a smile in that, sincere though probably a bit wet, and Changmin found himself smiling in turn. Yoochun had the silliest smiles, the silliest tears as well. But both were always true.
They passed like clouds or sunbeams, ever-changing, not meant to last. You had to be here and grasp them before they went, if you wanted to come close to who Yoochun really was - even if just a little. And Changmin was there… he was, surely much more than he believed himself. At least he tried.
He just refused to see which ones were meant for him, to see things for what they were. Changmin seldom dared to grasp them. And every time tears and smiles reached him, he made sure to forget.
Part 3.
Note: I can't promise anything but I'll try to update this once a week~ ^^/ Enjoy the read!! :)
Pairings: YooMin, HoMin (bff), Changmin centric.
Rating: G (warning!: bandfic, includes lawsuit)
Genre: Angst, Romance
Summary: Saudade, it is all that is left of you. How many times I pulled you up, like all the times you pulled me up. Everything we've shared. Now you are gone, and I don’t have a word to express my feelings; it is not sadness because you gave me happiness, it is not happiness because you are not with me now.
He’s pissed.
That is very rare. Granted, Changmin is often thoughtful. Melancholic. Grumpy. Call it however you want, but anger isn’t his thing. When he does get angry though, he has to admit it can be a bit scary.
He stomps his way up the stairs leading to Yunho’s place, not bothering to ring at the door and using his key to come in. Changmin makes a beeline for the bedroom, only slightly relieved to see Yunho lying on his bed, and not being awfully stupid like he often does by pretending all is fine. The older man turns his head when he hears him come in, grimacing as he sees the look on his face.
“Changmin…”
“You!!!”
He’s so dam angry the words don’t pass his throat. He stays planted here, jaw clenched, glaring his darkest glare and hoping Yunho will self-combust under it and maybe that’d teach him something at last. Yunho fidgets uncomfortably, shrinking a little and having the decency to look sorry, but that barely does anything to soothe the piercing ache in Changmin’s chest, the one that made it hard to breathe ever since their manager called twenty minutes ago.
“Just a bit of hypoglycemia”, the man had said hastily as soon as he realized Changmin was literally fuming on the other side of the line, “I just wanted to tell you he’s resting now. Don’t-“
Changmin hung up on him. He was going to kill Yunho. Was going to stuff his throat with sweets and chocolate and cakes until the other begged him to stop and there’d be enough sugar in his damn idiotic blood to last a year or more.
“I hate it when you look at me like that”, Yunho groans, hiding his eyes behind his arm, “go away, and don’t come back until you don’t look like I stole your fridge and deserve death sentence.”
“You find it funny??”, Changmin seethes, though the ache in his chest does subside a little. “You nearly fainted while driving Yunho!!”
“I-“
“When was the last time you ate??!!”
“…Ten minutes ago?”
Oh god he’s going to kill him for real.
Yunho probably saw something dangerous pass on his face because he sits up on the bed, waving his hands defensively.
“Okay okay. Here…”, he pats the bed next to him, “come and sit and stop looking at me like that because I swear it freaks me out.”
“The last time you ate?!!”
Yunho frowns, pouts, sighs, and murmurs a ‘yesterday morning’, so low Changmin barely hears it. He hears it anyway, and resists the urge to grab Yunho’s bedside lamp and hit the other’s head with it until some sense makes it through his thick stupid stupid stupid skull. It’s either that, or he’ll start feeling like he wants to cry because if there’s one thing in the world Changmin absolutely can’t bear, it’s the idea of something happening to Yunho.
His heartbeat slowed down, his chest doesn’t hurt as much, but he’s still too angry to surrender to the other’s pleading look.
Yunho has been dealing with slight eating disorder ever since the lawsuit happened. It’s not much of a secret; the older man can’t exactly hide the way his weight randomly drops and increases. He’s coping much better now, but there’s still room for improvement. Changmin didn’t need this to be reminded though.
“You idiot!!”, he shouts again, because now that he’s reassured, he needs to vent, “at least don’t take the car when you’re like that!! What the hell were you thinking?!!”
Yunho’s lips stay sealed. He looks away, his cheeks faintly red, and just like that Changmin knows it’s one of those stupid I’m-gonna-lose-five-pounds-this-week challenges he sets for himself whenever things get a little out of control. Changmin’s hands are shaking slightly as he takes a deep breath, and he obliges himself to calm down.
“What happened?!”, he asks, still harsh but not as much as before.
Yunho shrugs, silent for a couple minutes more.
Then he starts talking about his girlfriend and how she’s pressuring him because she wants to date out in the open and Yunho does like Ah-Jeong a lot, but he’s not sure it’s that kind of relationship, you know, and with all the promotions coming their way in both South Korea and Japan he can’t really afford to do them that kind of publicity right? And his mother turned 60 recently but he could only give her a phone call and sometimes he’s worried because he’s sure she won’t tell him if something bad happens at home because she knows he has a lot of things to deal with already, but he wants to know anyway. Yunho adds a few words about pressure from management and maybe army enlistment soon and what will happen then?
By the time he’s done, Changmin really doesn’t feel like screaming at him anymore.
“I’m sorry I scared you”, Yunho concludes, watching him apologetically, and Changmin’s heart drops.
He was scared right. He’s had his share of hard times in the past, reasons to be angry, stressed, anxious, and at some point flirting with depression and breakdown. But fear, real fear is still that hospital room eight years ago, feeling nauseous and downright terrified because doctors just explained about pumping Yunho’s stomach and there were tubes and beeping everywhere, and Yunho’s face so pale and worn Changmin barely recognized him.
He feels a bit weak in the legs and goes to sit on the edge of the bed, looking down at the floor.
“I don’t know why I put up with you”, he says for good measure, waiting for his feelings to go back where they’re supposed to.
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re stupid.”
“Yes.”
“An idiot.”
“Yes.”
Changmin looks up once he’s sure he won’t cry, swallowing with an effort. Yunho’s face is a tiny bit white but it’s nothing like the dreadful paleness that still haunts him at times. He unclenches his fists, realizing only know how tight he kept them closed.
“I’m sorry Changmin-ah”, Yunho says again gently, putting his hand above his. “Really, really sorry.”
Changmin nods once, then again, more vigorously.
“What do you want to eat tonight?”, he asks, not removing his hand from Yunho’s hold just yet because there are still thin threads of something cold and paralyzing intertwined with his thoughts. “I will order something nice, and you’d better eat it all…”
His voice trails off too soon, wavering a little. Yunho pretends not to notice.
Changmin stays at his place that evening. He makes sure Yunho eats. He tells him about how his drama filming went earlier, blabbering and rambling and stumbling on words more than usual, but Yunho smiles as he listens, and it’s not the warm smile.
It’s kind, and thankful, and also the most precious thing in Changmin’s life now.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Yoochun had the silliest smiles.
Sly smirks and wide grins alike, there was often something bordering farcical in them. After all, it was his role to be the foolish one. The clown. The guy who could make fun of anything (especially Junsu), and make everyone laugh (especially Jaejoong). Changmin never understood fans’ obsession for Junsu’s infamous ‘eun-kyang-kyang’ when Yoochun was quite clearly a human-shaped hyena.
Not that he cared, as long as he wasn’t the one known nationwide for something as embarrassing as having a ridiculous laugh. That’s conveniently forgetting the rumors about Jaejoong and his first kiss, of course. Or that awkward moment of truth on a certain TV show involving videos and his mother in the audience. Changmin is particularly good at forgetting what he wants to forget.
Though sometimes it’s a bit more complicated than that.
As it happened, Junsu and Yoochun were engaged in a tickling contest, loudly boasting their respective laughter, when life chose a roundabout way to remind Changmin of something he’d gladly have forgotten as well.
They were in Japan - had been for four months, with their schedule packed for at least four more there - and the homesickness was starting to take its toll on them. A sure sign of that was how Yunho hadn’t said a word to stop Junsu and Yoochun from wreaking havoc in the living room, letting them ruin the place without so much as a resigned shake of the head.
As for Changmin, missing home invariably ended up leading him to the kitchen, where he’d find food and Jaejoong. A homesick Jaejoong nagged a lot. Fretted a lot. Needed to fuss over someone, and while Changmin made sure to look reluctant while being on the receiving end of it all, it did make him feel better. Sometimes. What was sure is that it made Jaejoong feel better, and when Jaejoong’s mood improved, everyone’s did as well.
So he was in the kitchen, aimlessly gravitating around the older boy, sighing every so often, staring holes in the back of his head whenever Jaejoong wasn’t looking, and generally trying not to be too obvious about needing the attention when he heard Yoochun’s ringtone rise amidst high-pitched giggles and hyena laughter.
A minute later the living room went awfully quiet.
Changmin stopped in the middle of opening every cupboard in the kitchen, exchanging a frown with Jaejoong before they both went to take a look.
They found Yoochun sitting crossed-legged on the floor, his expression suspiciously blank. Junsu was patting his back awkwardly. He threw them a helpless look as soon as they arrived, and Jaejoong took the matter in his own hands. He told him to go get Yunho while Junsu was waving his hands around weirdly, apparently trying to explain something though Changmin didn’t know how sawing wood could be relevant here.
It turned out that Yoochun’s girlfriend had just broken up with him, arguing that long-distance was too hard to deal with, before mentioning casually that another guy had been making advances to her for weeks. A guy who was not stuck on the other side of the Sea of Japan.
Changmin already knew by then that Yoochun wasn’t good at dealing with breakups.
Or rather, he just didn’t deal with them at all.
The following days saw Yoochun wallowing in misery, moping around every hour of the day, dampening the general mood even more and incidentally decorating the place with used tissues. No one dared to mention that last bit ever since Jaejoong had attempted to talk to him after finding them sprinkled all around the sanctuary that was the music room. Yoochun had actually screamed at him - Yoochun never screamed at Jaejoong - swearing loud enough for Changmin to feel grateful that it was in Korean and this was Japan and the neighbors wouldn’t understand.
The worst of it eventually passed, and the moment came when Yoochun started needing cheering up and comfort. The two things in the world Changmin least knew how to do. And it didn’t help that the three others were so damn good at it.
Take Yunho for instance… he just had to put aside his leader hat.
Back then nothing could possibly be more comforting than Yunho being well, Yunho, when he allowed himself to treat them like he probably did with his sister, and would certainly do in the future with his 25 kids. The best of Jaejoong’s pampering looked like amateur’s work in comparison. For days, Yoochun got for himself all the smiles and kindness Yunho could provide, and Changmin thought it probably felt much like having the sun shine all for him, and him only. With Bambi as an added bonus.
Junsu took to bringing Yoochun along on shopping trips. Not the kind of shopping Changmin feared and Jaejoong relished in, no. More like the kind where they came back with nothing but pictures of themselves wearing clothes so flashy and ugly they were probably illegal in some parts of the world. Yoochun came back one evening saying the store staff threw them out because Junsu was laughing so loud it scared away other customers. He was smiling. Junsu looked proud, and Changmin felt a little envious.
But the deathblow had yet to come, and of course, it was Jaejoong. He gave a CD to Yoochun one morning, telling him to listen later with a smile that was definitely hiding something.
Jaejoong wrote a song - without doubt the silliest thing he’d ever come up with. It was about Yoochun’s now ex-girlfriend, her obsession with pink, her insane cat, her smelly feet, and how she called him “Yoochy” thinking it sounded American. It was brilliant. Yoochun couldn’t possibly cry hearing Jaejoong sing “the meanie dumped Yoochy, let’s all give him smoochies” at the top of his lungs.
And then there was Changmin.
The only idea he’d come up with so far was giving Yoochun chocolates. It was so lame he hadn’t even come around buying them, and two weeks after the breakup, he still hadn’t done anything. Not that he had to, but with the three others literally showering Yoochun with attentions, Changmin was feeling uncomfortably singled out. He knew Yoochun knew he wasn’t good at this. That didn’t mean he was fine with being deemed once more as the awkward one.
So one evening, he took his courage in both hands and knocked at the door of Yoochun and Jaejoong’s room, hoping said courage would magically morph into inspiring words. Though chances were high it’d turn out to be something along the lines of “so I’m here and well, if you want to talk, you know, then I guess that’s all and bye”.
But Changmin figured he’d rather feel bad about failing at comforting friends than feel bad about failing at being a friend. If that even made sense.
When he came in he found Yoochun alone, lying on the bed and eyes fixed on the ceiling. The other turned his head to look at him, not bothering to stand or sit up. He looked in a bad mood, Changmin noticed at once. Eyes dark, silent, his mouth set in a hard line. The time probably wasn’t right. It was a bit too late to go back now.
Changmin opened his mouth, praying that whatever words would come out, it wouldn’t sound too stupid.
“So it’s your turn”, Yoochun said then, voice flat and a little sarcastic, and Changmin’s mouth instantly fell shut. “What is it now? ‘Do you want to go for a drink hyung?’ Or maybe, ‘we could watch a movie together hyung?’”.
He watched as the other sat up on the bed, looking at him in a way that was anything but kind.
“And before you ask, yes, I’m feeling fucking amazing.”
Definitely not in a good mood.
“Hyung…”
“But go ahead, I’m listening”, Yoochun kept going, obviously on the edge. “I can’t wait to hear what you’ll do so I’ll stop feeling like shit, because obviously, I am, right?”
Changmin winced, more thrown-off by Yoochun’s harsh tone than by the words themselves. He swallowed with an effort, feeling red creep up his cheeks. Yoochun could be mean when pushed to his limits. Really mean.
“So what is it?!”, the other snarled then, making him start a little. “Come on, I just told you I’m feeling exactly like the pathetic looser I am. Now you aren’t going to get off my back either, are you?”
“I just…”, Changmin looked around helplessly, taking a small step back toward the door. “I thought you… it’s… well, later is fine, I don’t want…”
Great. Great. He was rambling now.
He stopped talking, throat tight and face flushed, avoiding Yoochun’s hostile stare. Feeling utterly mortified. In other circumstances he’d probably be angry, but right now there was too much aggressiveness in Yoochun’s every action, and Changmin was too unsure to face it. He took the cowardly option, and turned away to leave without another word.
Talk about bringing comfort, he thought, more hurt than he was willing to admit as he reached for the handle.
He wished he hadn’t come at all. Changmin wasn’t good at this, he knew he wasn’t, but still, there was no need for Yoochun to lash out at him that way. He could feel the heat radiating from his face. One more thing to add to the long, long list of vexations and frustrations that piled up the past months. Changmin didn’t hear Yoochun come after him and stopped when a hand caught his wrist, just before he opened the door.
“Changmin-”
“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have…”, he said, not knowing what he was sorry for. He wanted to get out of there, go to his room and be alone. “I just thought… maybe you wanted to talk but…”
But not to him, obviously. And really, why would Yoochun want that when he had Yunho and Junsu and Jaejoong… all three of them ready to listen and give useful advice and proper comfort?
“Changmin.”
Yoochun tugged on his arm gently and Changmin looked up, hoping that somehow the other wouldn’t notice he was bright red. At least Yoochun’s eyes weren’t as cold as a minute ago, he thought to himself. Actually they looked rather kind. Apologetic. Tired, too.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that…”, the other said much more softly. “It’s just… the past days. You know.”
Changmin didn’t know but he nodded anyway. He wanted to go now. Wanted to be alone, that’s all. He made another move toward the door, stopping again when Yoochun tightened his hold onto his wrist.
“Changmin-ah…”
“I get it”, he muttered, not quite able to hide the underlying bitterness in his tone, “I’ll leave you alone. Don’t worry.”
Yoochun sighed, moving until he was standing between him and the door, effectively preventing him from leaving.
“I’m sorry okay? I shouldn’t have said that.”
Changmin nodded again. Lips pressed tight. Looking down. He knew he looked like he was sulking, but it wasn’t like that. It wasn’t. It felt awful and he wanted to be alone. He wanted to be home.
He missed home.
So damn much.
“Hey…”
Another small tug at his arm. Changmin swallowed the lump in his throat before looking up again, but something must have shown on his face because Yoochun’s expression went from sorry to concerned.
“Are you alright?”
Changmin nodded for the umpteenth time that evening, wishing the other would just let go of him.
“Of course”, he answered, clearly hearing the crack in his own voice, “I will just… I will. I mean. If you don’t feel okay you know…”
You know I’m here.
One moment Yoochun was holding his wrist, and the next his arms were around him. Changmin went completely still. A small part of him was struggling to understand what was happening now, while everything else simply got stuck behind, unable to go past a sudden surge of sensations he shouldn’t even be feeling. One he always did his best to ignore.
That little something wrong.
Yoochun’s arms. His warmth. The scent, and closeness, and the odd awareness that this was Yoochun and Changmin didn’t know why it mattered, but somehow it did. It did.
Of course they’d hugged and held hands and that kind of thing the past months. A lot. After and before concerts or rewards, with the three others, on stage, on TV, in front of fans and other people, and that was just fine… that felt just fine.
But there were also times like this, when the mood, the place, the hour made it seem different. When the feelings found him unprepared or confused, and washed over him before he could stop them.
Times when Yoochun’s fingers squeezed his without reason, furtively, at a moment when no one was watching, and because it was secret… because it was hidden, Changmin felt it was wrong. Times when the hugs lasted a second too long… times when Yoochun’s hands went too low, held him too tight, lingered too long, though Changmin knew it was all in his own head. Times when Yoochun stared, and didn’t look away even when he knew Changmin had noticed.
He always ignored it or pretended to forget, but this time he didn’t know if it’d work. Now Changmin was caught up in emotions he never, ever voiced out, and that Yoochun alone seemed able to pick up - always.
And that shouldn’t make him feel special, Changmin thought, shutting his eyes tight… it shouldn’t, couldn’t, but it always did, and he didn’t even know if ‘special’ was more soothing or frightening.
“I’m a jerk, okay?”, he heard Yoochun whisper, “and a depressing one at that, so don’t let me get to you.”
Changmin tried to laugh but it didn’t go past his throat. At least he knew better than to return the embrace, he thought, glad that his arms were still hanging uselessly on each side of him. It felt weird, admittedly. Or rather they felt weird, Yoochun and him. Even now, three years after debut.
Things were well defined with the three others. Changmin knew the lines, knew what he could and should say to each of them. He knew what he was to them, and while it was not always easy, at least things were clear. But with Yoochun, they weren’t. There was too much distance, then not enough. Every time one of them tried a step closer, the other would make two steps back or go one step too far. Lines kept changing. One day they were good, joking around, laughing together, and it felt natural and simple. The next it was awkward and they didn’t know why.
But it was also easy to ignore as busy days rushed by, leaving little time for introspection.
That’s when Changmin realized that he had returned the embrace, that his arms were around Yoochun’s body, his hands high on his back. Breathing slow. Eyes still closed.
Now the right thing to do would’ve been to let go, smile, and say it was all fine - I understand, just know I’m here if you need me - then leave. Instead Changmin came a little closer. He nearly sighed in contentment when Yoochun started rubbing his hands up and down his back. He was relaxing, giving in, slowly forgetting where he was and with who, when Yoochun whispered his name - in his ear, soft and warm, and more.
Changmin stiffened abruptly, realizing at last what was happening.
Yoochun’s hands stopped moving. Things went once more from okay to awkward. Silent. Tense. Changmin didn’t dare to pull away. He’d a feeling ‘awkward’ would become ‘very very awkward’ if he just met the other’s eyes.
“…What did you want to tell me?”, Yoochun said after a long silence, loosening his hold a little but keeping his arms around him.
“Nothing important”, Changmin muttered, a bit upset to realize how true that was as he said it, “I just wanted to know if I could do something. I guess.”
“I see…”
Yoochun sighed, and Changmin repressed a shiver when the blow of warm air brushed past his neck. The other’s face was close, cheeks nearly touching, his lips an inch away. Then one of Yoochun’s hands was on the back of his head, his fingers lightly threading through his hair. Changmin didn’t know anymore what was the right thing to do. He leaned into the touch. The next moment their cheeks were touching, the corner of his mouth pressed against Yoochun’s skin, and he wasn’t sure who’d done it. His face felt warm again but for much different reasons.
His heart was racing. He wondered if Yoochun could feel it. He wondered if Yoochun was the same, and just as that thought crossed his mind, Changmin’s arms tightened their hold onto the other.
There’d always been so much space between Yoochun and him.
They were close in many ways, of course they were. But it was like what they shared all fit in a thin thread, while everything around was empty and waiting to be filled. The words they said reached across but never quite aimed right. The way they behaved with each other always lacked something - a depth, thickness, or truth maybe. It was never wrong but never right either, perpetually changing and adjusting without ever finding balance. Like they were constantly missing the point.
But right now was different.
Right now Changmin’s heart ached, vainly reaching out for something he couldn’t even name. It was just a hug, the rational part of him reasoned, and it wasn’t wrong.
It didn’t feel like ‘just a hug’ though, and even less when Yoochun came closer, one hand moving to his lower back while the other was still stroking his hair. Quiet. Charged silence - something was unfolding, finally allowed to fill its own right space. Changmin breathed in, eyes closed, senses soaking in a scent and touch that was at the same time familiar and inexplicably new.
It didn’t feel like ‘just a hug’, he realized when Yoochun moved and pulled him even closer, because it didn’t feel like comfort anymore. The other’s chest falling and rising fast. The silence, not peaceful but full - just full. Anticipation and awareness, both defined more clearly with every passing second.
It didn’t feel like comfort.
It felt like wanting to be close. Wanting to touch. Wanting it to be different, and special, and then there was his pounding heart and the way his lips tingled, less than an inch from Yoochun’s face.
Changmin abruptly pulled away.
He stepped back until he deemed the distance between them safe enough. Heart beating all the wrong ways, his thoughts a mess, probably looking flustered and other things he didn’t even dare to name. He looked at Yoochun apprehensively, inwardly praying for things to go back to normal, and felt relieved beyond words seeing the other’s expression. A small, embarrassed smile. A nearly sheepish look passing over his features as he rubbed the back of his neck with one hand.
Normal, all normal.
Changmin missed the darker flash of regret and maybe something more crossing Yoochun’s eyes, and smiled.
“You should’ve gone to Jaejoong if you needed a hug”, he tried to joke, and while it was lame it was still much better than the earlier tension.
“He does that better than me.”
“He does that all the time”, Yoochun retorted, “but you’re a rare treat.”
It was said with just the right amount of teasing and Changmin smiled more widely, relaxing a little now that most of the awkwardness was gone.
“I’m just not good at this.”
“You should give yourself more credit”, Yoochun shrugged. He looked up at the ceiling then glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, a small smile floating on his lips. “Can I have another one?”
“Another what?”
“Hug.”
Changmin stared at him pointedly. Yoochun made grabby hands at him, grinning his silliest smile, adding in a few funny faces, and Changmin gave in. He was laughing even as the other took him in his arms once again. And this time, it really was ‘just a hug’. It was two friends, comfort, feeling nice and at peace, and glad that they weren’t alone.
Changmin let minutes pass, holding Yoochun a little awkwardly, much like he’d do if it was with Junsu or Jaejoong. This time the distance was just right, he told himself. Just right. Maybe he needed to convince himself it was. Maybe it was just the truth.
Yoochun sniffed.
“Are you crying hyung?”
“Am not.”
“…Should I give you smoochies?”, Changmin ventured, rewarded by a groan and a light blow to his side.
“Shut up.”
There was a smile in that, sincere though probably a bit wet, and Changmin found himself smiling in turn. Yoochun had the silliest smiles, the silliest tears as well. But both were always true.
They passed like clouds or sunbeams, ever-changing, not meant to last. You had to be here and grasp them before they went, if you wanted to come close to who Yoochun really was - even if just a little. And Changmin was there… he was, surely much more than he believed himself. At least he tried.
He just refused to see which ones were meant for him, to see things for what they were. Changmin seldom dared to grasp them. And every time tears and smiles reached him, he made sure to forget.
Part 3.
Note: I can't promise anything but I'll try to update this once a week~ ^^/ Enjoy the read!! :)