Vaka
People have this way of saying exactly the wrong things to me when I'm having trouble with something. Today wasn't my best day, it wasn't bad but it wasn't much fun either....it wasn't mundane, it was a funky sort of day. I got up and got my traditional coffee with Matthew and, as usual, had some fun conversation. He's going to start skydiving, it's nice to see someone so enthusiastic about what they're doing. In college so many people are bogged down with tests and homework and things that they don't often admit they like something they're doing. It's so nice, when he says, "This is the best Chai Tea you've ever had" it's true. He's charismatic in his own fashion, but not in a way that I'm used to. We shared some stories, of times we've gotten in trouble, heh, and I thought I had it bad this past year, I've got nothing on him, at least the corps wasn't the one to catch him....that's a plus. I really didn't want to go take my Psych test, it's not that I didn't think I'd do well, it's that I hated going in without knowing what to expect, I really didn't like that part, and for some reason, since Saturday I've been exhausted. I haven't been doing a lot, just mental exhaustion from trying to keep up with so many things. I finally got some great information from TJ about what I need to do to get the job I want after I get out of college, but even what he told me puts kinda a damper on my plans, that I might have to stay in school an extra semester. My mother, in an effort to disuade me from the career path I wanna take explained to me pretty harshly that I'm gonna have to go get a student loan for the last semester and she really wasn't pleased at the idea of losing touch with me for awhile as I would be starting work full-time. She had been so supportive over the summer and last semester. When faced with the reality of "yes, I'm really going to do this" she suddenly got cold and had this attitude of "I can't believe you're doing this". I was just pretty surprised at how quickly she turned from backing me up to trying to talk me out of it....she's always been a bit unwilling to let me go off and do my own thing, but I thought when it came to my career she'd say, "follow your heart" ... apparently not.
I understood everything in Logic today, I was pretty happy about that. I don't think I did as well on my test after he talked about it a little in class, he set it up to be hard, we didn't really complain about that though, the class started complaining about how long it was ^ ^'''' haha. But he set it up so that the average score would be a 50. This reminds me of something my Latin teacher said. She said that the grading system in most schools in this country is really screwed up. "A 50 is failing? why would you failing for knowing half of everything you are supposed to? Knowing half is knowing a lot, is average, you should get a C, not an F...." and I agree with her. At least he is curving it so that the distribution is between failing and perfect, that'll help. I think this next chapter will be easier, I hope it will be anyway.....And after that I went to work. Jane is back, she said she'd been thinking of quitting and had told Gail just that before she'd gone on vacation last week. She's a real chatterbox, which is okay I guess but so much of it is totally irrelevant in the grand scheme of things....and she finds herself so important....augh...why does she have to work in the same room as us now? AT least before I'd only have to deal with her when Daniel was in the same room with us 'cause she'd come to fawn all over him, but now I have to deal with her all the time I'm there.....
World regions was okay, I didn't really pay much attention. I was doing my online quiz and talking to TJ, this was another case of people just saying exactly the wrong thing. I told him how my mother had reacted earlier and he starts going on about if you're not happy, change something, do something about your situation, go do something to be happy again.
1) I am happy. I like where my life is going, I like where I'm at, I like the person I am. I've got a great life and I'm in college and I have lots of friends, a big support group, I'm learning interesting stuff and I'm having fun. This little stuff that bothers me isn't such a big deal....
2) I've mentioned before that if I'm having a problem I like just talking to someone. I'm not looking for a solution, I'm not looking for them to help me, I'm not looking for advice. He and I have had this issue before, where I've told him, "If I want help I'll ask for it." He has lived much differently his whole
life than I have though and his first reaction is to try and help the situation, even though I've told him I don't work that way. I wish he would respect how I am different, how I am not asking for help to solve my problems, I'm just asking for someone to listen to them.
3) his method for trying to help me was to motivate me to change whatever it was that I wasn't happy about. "pick what you want and work towards it, life is about living, live to be happy, change whatever you need to to get where you want." that sort of mentality, at least that's what he got across to me. I can't change the fact my mom doesn't want me to have the job I want. I can't change the fact that my classes require a lot of preparation, I can't change the fact that I'm not genuinely interested in dating anyone I know even when I'm a little lonely. This is just the way things are, like the fact that gravity works a certain way and oxygen exists in a certain fashion, that's just the way things are. Trying to motivate me to change things that I have absolutely no control over is not motivating, it's disheartening, frustrating and only puts my own powerlessness and insignificance right in front of my nose. It's like a cold shower or a slap in the face. That's not motivating, that's reinforcing the crushing sensation I'm already well acquainted with.
I talked with Laura a little bit on the way back, about how my day went, some interesting facts I learned in class, asked her how the job was going, classes, she had a big test this evening, I hope it's going well, she should be done soon.....I told her a little bit of what was going on, I told her what I told TJ. Laura gets me, she didn't prod too much further, asked some simple questions to clarify, but just listened, she let me talk....it was nice. The only thing was that she was so preoccupied it seemed like all my words just slid right off her. I know, she was really caught up in her test preparations, I would be too if I was her.....it's just that lately there seems to be a lot of that. It's almost like she knows I'm strong enough to deal with my own problems so if I tell her about something that's bothering me she kinda brushes it off. She's either caught up in what she's doing, or with studies, or - and mostly - with hanging out with Johnathan. She frequently wonders why people assume her head is always so wrapped up in him, why people assume she puts him first and foremost in all things, for all things, all the time and everywhere. I know she isn't like that, she lives in the real world and thinks in the real world, a world that doesn't revolve around him. I know she's not truly as wrapped up in him as others may think she is or as she may, at times, appear to be. But lately, and by that I mean since school started, It's been a rare occasion when I've actually gotten a moment with her when he's not around. It's not that I don't trust him, it's that I wouldn't say certain things to Laura in front of him, and I just wish I could be as free and open with her now as I have been in the past....but all things change.
Yeah, that whole "I'm not interested in anyone right now" thing.....I was watching Hana Kimi (Taiwanese version) and Rui Xi said something I totally agree with. When a guy likes a girl, and doesn't say anything, but has these subtle things about his mannerisms that give him away, the girl will think in her head, "he's acting SUSPICIOUS" that word, right there. That's not a good word, that's not a nice word, we're not being endearing. I wish people would stop doing that. If I like a guy, I'll make it obvious, and then say something once I'm settled on how I feel.....I hate that play people put on when they like someone, the whole act of having no intentions, you just wanna be "friends" when it's so obvious what you're up to. I've always been one to meet a person and either see them as someone I'd only be friends with, or someone with possibility of being something more. Someone with possibility can quickly turn into someone I'd only be friends with, but it doesn't work the other way, I don't think I could ever date one of my friends. I don't want to date someone just to date them, I don't want to have a boyfriend just to not be single, I find the idea totally repulsive. I think this is why I have never been the one to leave someone, no matter what happens, I know from when I meet that person that I would like to be with them, and as we're together I want to learn new things, experience things, grow together, become more than just one person but to have an attachment between me and my significant other that grows as I do, that suffers and rejoices and evolves as I do. I don't easily fall in love, but when it happens it's usually pretty fast and right from when I initially meet them. I would never go for a person if I didn't truly and honestly and wholeheartedly want to be with them, and relationships will change and morph into all sorts of types and develop mannerisms and inside jokes and all the sorts of individual differences that make those two people work so well together.....but I'm not going to work so hard with someone I don't see potential in, and so I'll never, even when things get rocky, give up on them.
I understood everything in Logic today, I was pretty happy about that. I don't think I did as well on my test after he talked about it a little in class, he set it up to be hard, we didn't really complain about that though, the class started complaining about how long it was ^ ^'''' haha. But he set it up so that the average score would be a 50. This reminds me of something my Latin teacher said. She said that the grading system in most schools in this country is really screwed up. "A 50 is failing? why would you failing for knowing half of everything you are supposed to? Knowing half is knowing a lot, is average, you should get a C, not an F...." and I agree with her. At least he is curving it so that the distribution is between failing and perfect, that'll help. I think this next chapter will be easier, I hope it will be anyway.....And after that I went to work. Jane is back, she said she'd been thinking of quitting and had told Gail just that before she'd gone on vacation last week. She's a real chatterbox, which is okay I guess but so much of it is totally irrelevant in the grand scheme of things....and she finds herself so important....augh...why does she have to work in the same room as us now? AT least before I'd only have to deal with her when Daniel was in the same room with us 'cause she'd come to fawn all over him, but now I have to deal with her all the time I'm there.....
World regions was okay, I didn't really pay much attention. I was doing my online quiz and talking to TJ, this was another case of people just saying exactly the wrong thing. I told him how my mother had reacted earlier and he starts going on about if you're not happy, change something, do something about your situation, go do something to be happy again.
1) I am happy. I like where my life is going, I like where I'm at, I like the person I am. I've got a great life and I'm in college and I have lots of friends, a big support group, I'm learning interesting stuff and I'm having fun. This little stuff that bothers me isn't such a big deal....
2) I've mentioned before that if I'm having a problem I like just talking to someone. I'm not looking for a solution, I'm not looking for them to help me, I'm not looking for advice. He and I have had this issue before, where I've told him, "If I want help I'll ask for it." He has lived much differently his whole
life than I have though and his first reaction is to try and help the situation, even though I've told him I don't work that way. I wish he would respect how I am different, how I am not asking for help to solve my problems, I'm just asking for someone to listen to them.
3) his method for trying to help me was to motivate me to change whatever it was that I wasn't happy about. "pick what you want and work towards it, life is about living, live to be happy, change whatever you need to to get where you want." that sort of mentality, at least that's what he got across to me. I can't change the fact my mom doesn't want me to have the job I want. I can't change the fact that my classes require a lot of preparation, I can't change the fact that I'm not genuinely interested in dating anyone I know even when I'm a little lonely. This is just the way things are, like the fact that gravity works a certain way and oxygen exists in a certain fashion, that's just the way things are. Trying to motivate me to change things that I have absolutely no control over is not motivating, it's disheartening, frustrating and only puts my own powerlessness and insignificance right in front of my nose. It's like a cold shower or a slap in the face. That's not motivating, that's reinforcing the crushing sensation I'm already well acquainted with.
I talked with Laura a little bit on the way back, about how my day went, some interesting facts I learned in class, asked her how the job was going, classes, she had a big test this evening, I hope it's going well, she should be done soon.....I told her a little bit of what was going on, I told her what I told TJ. Laura gets me, she didn't prod too much further, asked some simple questions to clarify, but just listened, she let me talk....it was nice. The only thing was that she was so preoccupied it seemed like all my words just slid right off her. I know, she was really caught up in her test preparations, I would be too if I was her.....it's just that lately there seems to be a lot of that. It's almost like she knows I'm strong enough to deal with my own problems so if I tell her about something that's bothering me she kinda brushes it off. She's either caught up in what she's doing, or with studies, or - and mostly - with hanging out with Johnathan. She frequently wonders why people assume her head is always so wrapped up in him, why people assume she puts him first and foremost in all things, for all things, all the time and everywhere. I know she isn't like that, she lives in the real world and thinks in the real world, a world that doesn't revolve around him. I know she's not truly as wrapped up in him as others may think she is or as she may, at times, appear to be. But lately, and by that I mean since school started, It's been a rare occasion when I've actually gotten a moment with her when he's not around. It's not that I don't trust him, it's that I wouldn't say certain things to Laura in front of him, and I just wish I could be as free and open with her now as I have been in the past....but all things change.
Yeah, that whole "I'm not interested in anyone right now" thing.....I was watching Hana Kimi (Taiwanese version) and Rui Xi said something I totally agree with. When a guy likes a girl, and doesn't say anything, but has these subtle things about his mannerisms that give him away, the girl will think in her head, "he's acting SUSPICIOUS" that word, right there. That's not a good word, that's not a nice word, we're not being endearing. I wish people would stop doing that. If I like a guy, I'll make it obvious, and then say something once I'm settled on how I feel.....I hate that play people put on when they like someone, the whole act of having no intentions, you just wanna be "friends" when it's so obvious what you're up to. I've always been one to meet a person and either see them as someone I'd only be friends with, or someone with possibility of being something more. Someone with possibility can quickly turn into someone I'd only be friends with, but it doesn't work the other way, I don't think I could ever date one of my friends. I don't want to date someone just to date them, I don't want to have a boyfriend just to not be single, I find the idea totally repulsive. I think this is why I have never been the one to leave someone, no matter what happens, I know from when I meet that person that I would like to be with them, and as we're together I want to learn new things, experience things, grow together, become more than just one person but to have an attachment between me and my significant other that grows as I do, that suffers and rejoices and evolves as I do. I don't easily fall in love, but when it happens it's usually pretty fast and right from when I initially meet them. I would never go for a person if I didn't truly and honestly and wholeheartedly want to be with them, and relationships will change and morph into all sorts of types and develop mannerisms and inside jokes and all the sorts of individual differences that make those two people work so well together.....but I'm not going to work so hard with someone I don't see potential in, and so I'll never, even when things get rocky, give up on them.