(no subject)
hello.
yes i know you waiting for me to tell you what the heck i'm updating
yes i'm pissed
yes i'm sad
yes i cried
yes i'm crying
yes i yelled
yes i threw things
yes i hate my dad
yes i hate everything in my house life
yes i know i'm dramatic
yes i know i'm the stupidest thing
yes i know the stupidest messed up thing in your life
yes i know i'm being dumb
yes i know i'm the only one who feels like that is right
yes i should stop doing the yes shit thing
yes i know you know that i dont wanna stop
yes i hate myself for alot of things
yes i hate myself for ever thinkin of the worse of the worse
yes i know i'm strong
yes i know its cause of my great friends
yes i know i dont have to talk to them to make everything alright
yes i thought about cut
yes i stopped myself
yes i know im stupid
yes i know your mad
yes i know why
yes i know
yes i know everything
yes i know i'm a screw up
yes i know you will never stop yelling at me everyday no matter what
yes i know you'll yell at me in front of my friends or yours
yes i know should stop
yes i know you know that i'm mad and all
yes i know you want me to calm down
yes i know i'm calm
yes im listening to music
yes music calms me
yes i love music
yes i love my friends
yes i love my family(or at least most of them besides one:-\)
yes i know you think i'm overreacting by saying i dont love him anymore
yes i thought to myself and thought did i ever love him before?
yes i know i'm an idiot for saying something mean like that
yes i know i know i know!
yes i know i should stop which i am gonna do and just writing normally
hi. yes i stopped. be proud. i would like to double triple warn you big time about whats going to be put in here about anything.
yes i'm sorry for not talking to the people who asked me whats wrong and to tell them. yes i know that you just think that i'm just mad and iunno what i'm saying. but half of this i do know what i'm saying.sorry.
well i'm sure you want to know what happened TODAY.
Well lets see. good day at school and everything as usual :) then i was suppose to go to the dentist at 1:20 but once i saw that time pass i knew my mom wasnt coming to pick me up. and yes i knew that she forgot as usual. i didnt expect her to remember. yeah i know i'm stupid. and then so barb wanted me to go pick her up and yes i know that i have a "curfew" on coming home from school. i only use the car to go and back from school and shit like that. and i have to be home like before 3 and shit or else i should call and tell him where i was but i didnt see him home so i decided to just go up and pick up barb with erica and sam. yes i know i'm stupid for making that choice and gettin in trouble yeah...well shut up. well i went up there and we went to mcdonalds cause we wanted to. yes i did too. yeah yeah yeah. and it was like 3:15 already and shit. and so i drop off barb before i went home so he didnt think i picked her up and then i was trying to figure out what to tell him cause i always lie cause i'm a good liar(but no i dont lie to myfriends cause i know you are probably wondering what i lie about, i only lie to my parents about my life, where im at and stuff like that and my emotions) yes i know, i always lie about my emotions and everything else that happens. my parents dont even know half of the shit that happens in my life such as the pull over that one time...nope they still dont know...about me doing other stuff cause i'm not open to them once so ever and will never be with the way they reacted with my brothers shit and shit and how could i do it. and i know get back to the story cause none of that shit matters. well i told them to come in with me and we saw dale(sams stepdad) there. my dads friend or watever you wanna call it watever. and then he was like where have you been and i was like me sam and erica went up to mc donald after school cause we wanted to. and he was like it took you a hour in a half? and i was like no. i took everyone home and then went up there and then he asked me if i picked up barb and i actually was gonna say no but i thought about it and wanted to see what would happen if i told him the truth for once in my life and such. so i was like actually yeah i did pick her up and he got pissed and starting yelling at me in front of sam and erica and dale. i didnt care much cause that was making him look bad, not me and beside sam and erica never know how i feel about being home and shit and they always hear the bad things about my dad about how i hate him and about how he always yells at me and shit and now they got the feeling. they know what goes on. well not really. but they have an idea of how my dad always hurts me when i'm at home cause im always a screw up in life. no matter what i do. even a screw up when i try to make them proud. but yeah thats my life. hows yours? i'm sure its great. but back to the story. then he was like i want you out of my face right now. which i basically had no problem with. then i was planning on slamming the door really hard on the way out just before i went out he called me and then started yelling at me more about the wetness on the floor and of course you know they came fromme because once again im a mistake. and he was like you know wat...you arent going anywhere and gimme your keys and i wanted to throw them fast and hard to him which i almost did but instead i just threw it to him and yeah. and then he was like imma going to get out of your face and i was oh really oka kewl watever. and he was like do the sink and clean the kitchen and clean the mess you made on the floor. and then i was like bye. and then right after he left. i balled my eyes out. yes i know i'm gay. i dont give a crap what you are thinking. if you think thats funny or anything then just stop reading this and just get on with your gay life and be happy. alwways. plz. psh whatever. im sure you deserve it though. yeahhhh...uhh. oka. so i was balling my eyes out and shit and made this gay away message saying that i wanted to "hurt myself" and yes i know caiti i'm dumb oka. just say the truth yes i know we had the talk about me saying shit like that. right now i dont care cause right now i wanna be far far far away. from everyone. yes well maybe not from everyone or anything but i wanna be far far far away from him. i wanna be gone on christmas break which i usually am but damit not this year and i wanna be gone on winter break but damn not this year and i wanna be gone this easter this year again too but damn not this year either and i wanna be gone summer but doesnt look very well right and there is no where to go. i want to be out of this house right now. and since he had my keys and i need my back pack and it was in the car and i didnt want to talk to him. at all. and i saw sam and erica and my dad by my car cause they need to get their stuff and so i just walked out there and i accidently pushed erica. sorry erica really i didnt mean to push you like dat. and my dad was like heey! dont do that and i ignored it cause i didnt want to talk to anyone and i wanted to make it quick because i didnt want anyone to see my make up running. and all thats funky shit...and dale was in the drive way waitin for my dad to be done andn i knew he saw me crying but i dont really care right now. and i just fast walked in the house and slammed the door really hard that i knew that everyone heard...and ran up stairs and i wanted to say in the computer room instead of my room this time because it has the computer and the music that i dont have in my room. so i decided to stay in here instead and was still crying damn i hate crying but its like my hobby. i'm very emotional and gay. and i wrote a sign saying hey if you gonna yell at me, dont bother coming in or knocking on the door. just leave and leave me be bye! watever. and then i started writing this poem and i wrote something else but iunno what you would call it. but iunno if i should put it up on here and then the door opened and it was him. and he got the paper and ripped it and everything and started yelling at me again of course..duhhh. whats new. he said him and my mom is going to talk to me about this crap whens she gets home which is late. watever. i dont really have much to say after that either, barb called me from sams house asking if i was oka and if i was grounded and shit and iunno if i'm grounded, iunno whats going to happen, iunno if i'm allowed out, iunno anything right now because i dont plan on talking to my dad right now...actually i just dont want to talk to him period because i always freaking end up saying the wrong fcuking thing. and then end up in another fight or if i try to say something he would probably yell at me and then i would end up in my room crying once again and shit and i dont want to be cry much anymore. my tears only come out when i see him actually. cause everytime i'm around him i end up crying because i'm dumb, gay, stupid, an idiot and watever other word you can think of.
one of my poems(sorta needs to be fixed or add alittle):
no title right now:
i sit on my knees on the couch looking outside at the snow with tears filling my eyes making it hard for me to see as i sit there, i try to think about the good times as each tear falls i think harder and harder to remember the good days then all of the sudden no more tears were falling, thats when i realized there was none. there was no good memories to save. nothing to smile or laugh about. no matter how i wish for that to happen, its something that wouldnt come true in a heartbeat.
the thing that i just happened to write because i didnt want to write a poem at that moment so i just decided to just write something...just dont know what it is.
it goes like this:
you yell at me 4 trying to have fun with life you ruin my life everytime you hurt me so much you always hurt me you say your job is suppose to be a father? you over did it seems like your job is to make me cry everyday i swear to you i've cried every fucking single day cause im so fucking messed up i'm the most messed up thing in your life you have made me feel lots of things the things kids shouldnt have to feel your the one who makes me want to end my life but the only reason why i dont beacuse i will hurt the people i love and the ones that loves me which are my friends. the only reason why im strong because of them making sure i dont do anything stupid cause thats what i live for. to do stupid stuff. that is one dramatic thing i wrote there. but watever...yeah.
but hey i can be dramatic at times. especially at times like this right now.
:-\ i really didnt expect anyone to read this cause this story is so stupid, dramatic, and too long and its something you shouldnt waste your time reading. if you did read this i'm truely story. but yeah.
bye.good.day.