Run and Hide [2/2]
Title Run and Hide [2/2]
Fandom Stargate Atlantis
Rating R
Pairing John/Rodney
Summary After his ordeal during the events of Common Ground, John finds himself suffering through extreme PTSD, not even being able to handle being touched, Rodney helps in the best way he could.
Warnings Mentions of Torture, Sensory Depravation as a form of threapy.
Disclaimer I do not own any of the characters in this fic, this event is just a part of my imagination
Notes: Heres part 2!!
For For starbuckssue who asked for John angsting and Rodney helps in the most Rodney way he can
Part 1
“John it’s me,” Rodney said leaning against the doorway to John’s room….slowly knocking, “open up.”
There was no answer. The only sound that replied to him was the sound of John’s quiet weeping. Rodney bit his lip at that. He heard the other man speak to the point where his voice almost cracked….but never cried. John never wanted to outright show weakness. Only hold onto him tight as they made love.
The image was frightening enough. John was a strong man, heroism was what defined him. Seeing him in the state Kolya had put him in to be shown on that grainy image was something out of the ordinary. But the state he perceived John to be in seemed something rather frightening, something that shouldn’t even be there.
“John open up,” Rodney said again his voice sounding somewhat impatient, “it’s either that or I am going to-”
There was a swish and the door opened.
The room was dark. Only the light of the moon that reflected over the Atlantis ocean illuminated the darkness that lit the path. He looked around and tried to pinpoint John’s location by the sound of his weeping. His eyes quickly gazed upon a shadow crouched in the corner of the room.
“Oh John,” Rodney whispered as he ran to his side.
John was crouched in a fetal position. His long and slender legs were tucked to his chest. His head buried into his knees. His hands were clamped over his ears blocking out some invisible sound. Maybe he thought he heard the wraith? The sound of Acastus Kolya’s triumphant laugh as the wraith took his life? He didn’t know. John was wailing, his body shaking in terror at each sob that left his lips.
It was a far cry from the brave John, who laughed in the face of danger, and risked his life to save the people he loved. It couldn’t be him it had to be an imposter, hell even a replicator. But hell, the probability that the man in the prone position wasn’t John was unlikely.
“John hey,” Rodney said as he knelt at the Colonel’s side. He was surprised at how kind and affectionate he sounded. He was never usually good at comforting people in general, he didn’t know how he would be around a person with post traumatic stress such as this. But he had to get over himself. John needed him. “It’s okay.”
He placed his hand gently on John’s shoulder, hoping his gesture, one that John often reveled, would help him. But yet like a hand pulling away from a hot stove, he jumped. He began to recoil, crawling on his hands, and his back pushing against the wall. His breathing was ragged and harsh as if he was drowning in deep water, and he was finally coming up for air.
“No,” He rasped slamming his eyes shut and turning his head away from Rodney. The tear tracks were glistening in the shadows from the little light that filled the room.
He wasn’t going to give up trying to comfort him, especially since he had seen situations like this amongst other Atlantis members when something so terrible would happen off world. They would have to be sedated, sometimes even restrained if they were violent. Sometimes when John was angry he would punch and throw things. He cringed as he remembered how John punched through a plate glass window when he couldn’t save Ford from his enzyme induced frenzy.
Knowing how much more detrimental a medical team putting John in restraints would be than , he knew it would be a bad idea to just step back and let the medical team deal with it. He had to do this on his own. It would be difficult…...but he rather at least attempt John in the best way he could rather than sit and do nothing.
But at least he wasn’t going into this like he did with many difficult and dangerous situations, with no idea how to solve them. From what he seen so far being touched was one of John’s triggers….understandable. Wraith feedings began the moment the hand touched the skin. Most likely instead of associating a touch as a gesture which would cause pleasure, he associated it with pain.
If he could at least tackle that aspect of the after effects of Kolya’s attack, the other aspects would be easier to tackle..
With that in mind he remained in his spot, on his knees and watched for John to calm down just a little. When John’s breathing slowed to a normal pace, he reached over and placed his hands on John’s broad shoulders, squeezing them reassuringly. It only took milliseconds for John’s eyes to open abruptly and start panicking again.
“DON’T TOUCH ME!” He cried, his body was thrashing, his hands started clawing at Rodney’s chest. He must have thought Rodney was the wraith or the guards holding him down to make sure, though restrained, he couldn’t squirm away from the wraith’s cold hand touching his chest to feed off him. “JUST KILL ME KOLYA! FINISH IT! I CAN’T!”
“John look at me, I am not Kolya, it’s me!” Rodney said sternly squeezing the other man’s shoulders. He still thrashed wildly. Finally Rodney’s hands moved forward and grabbed the other man’s face. He gripped tightly and forced John to look at him. His blue eyes met John’s frantic and wide open hazel eyes. Usually Rodney would make some wise crack comment, some joke that would involuntarily cause a grin on John’s angst ridden face, but he couldn’t this time. Once John’s panic levels began to lower, he was going to feel weak, especially since he bared his weak side which was often hidden beneath the bravery. “You are not in that bunker, you are in Atlantis….the wraith, Kolya and all his little friends are no where near this city.”
Surprisingly Rodney’s very direct method caused John to start to relax. While there was still fear in his eyes….the tension in his face slowly faded. He began to take deep breaths in and out, the heavy breathing visible in his chest as it sharply rose and fell. Soon his hands broke from his defensive position as they loosely fell onto his lap as if they were boneless.
“That’s it calm, down,” Rodney said. The grip on the Colonel’s face loosened. One hand remained on his cheek wiping his tears away with his thumb. The other took John’s hand in his own. He felt the Colonel squeeze it tight as if it were a lifeline. “I know you are the type to shut people out and deal with your shit alone….but this John….you may be a soldier….taught to endure the worst….but there’s only so much one man could deal with alone.” John blinked and bit his lip, the words were sinking in. “What Kolya did….fuck….if Ronon was in that position I don’t think you can handle it.” Rodney turned his head away for a moment before looking back into John’s eyes, “I want to help you John, but you gotta let me in.”
Moments passed and not a word was spoken between either of them. He had done enough calming him down, and showing affection. He wasn’t going to push him to speak about a sore subject. He would leave it to John to touch on the subject of his fears and vulnerability due to Kolya’s wrath.
John sniffled and lowered his head, trying to avoid eye contact….or he could be gathering his thoughts. He was still silent, only letting his heavy breathing do the talking it. For a man who was a classic introvert it was difficult for him to start talking about his feelings. John's belief that he had to be this strong heroic figure. Weakness wasn't an option when was put upon a pedestal.
The question was...how could they depend on to protect them and save their lives when he was now vulnerable to the point where he could no longer be touched due to fear!
In Rodney's eyes John was still the brave man who was willing to walk on hot coals to save the people the people he loved. He just...was going through something traumatic. Something that no human should ever go through. It wasn't something where a person closed his or her eyes and all of a sudden the fall out of it was over, there was much more needed to overcome such an event.
And Rodney's love could be one of those things to help him. That was if John trusted him.
"If I talk about it," John said lifting his head looking for reassurance from his lover, "you promise..."
Rodney took his hand in his own and squeezed it tight, encouraging him to speak.
“John,” He said, “I may be a loud mouth but you know you could trust me John, just like I trust you to protect me on dangerous missions."'
There were tears still flowing freely from down those beautiful hazel eyes. But Rodney could see, a smile curl upon John's lips. He wished it was the smile he fell in love with. The one where he was having a crappy day sent warmth down his spine. It was something.
But it didn't last . John sniffed and looked into Rodney's eyes. His face was stern but his lip quivered.
“I don’t know why I feel like I’m walking on eggshells,” He said quietly, “I know, I didn’t like being bound and gagged to that chair with all of you watching in shock, but I would have preferred that then….” He trailed off. He let go of Rodney’s hand and wrapped his arms around himself. His hands moved over his own biceps running his hands over it. “You think of someone touching you its out of love, out of kindness.” He paused suddenly that small smile was back. “Like when you touch me I feel….warmth….I feel safety and….” He frowned, blinking slowly. He could tell by his face he was coming to a revelation, a thought. “When the wraith first slammed his hand into my chest, I closed my eyes and tried to think about how I feel those nights we spend together. How you couldn’t keep your hands off me. But it didn’t work your hands were on me in my imagination and I still felt the agony.”
Rodney could feel his eyes burning as his vision blurred. He almost felt himself get transported back to that moment he stood in the control room next to Elizabeth. He didn’t know who he wanted to hurt more, Kolya for being the mastermind behind the nightmare, Ladon for being the reason John was suffering in the first place or Elizabeth for not doing her job by letting John suffer like this rather than reasoning with Kolya. He felt rage at the same time agony for seeing John the way he did.
But Elizabeth and Ladon weren’t to blame for this occurring. It was Kolya, as sick of a bastard as he was for planning this thing effectively (making absolute and complete sure John suffered physically and emotionally). Rodney had found ancient bombs that were small yet implode structures within themselves. He wasn’t afraid to shove it down Kolya’s throat and leave him just a mass of blood and guts.
But now wasn’t the time to think of vengeful thoughts. It was the time to help John and now that The Scientist had some reasoning as to why his best friend and occasional bed partner couldn’t be touched.
“Initially after I parted with that Wraith on that planet I thought I was going to be okay,” The Colonel continued, “and then I came back to Atlantis. I told Elizabeth to meet me on the balcony….I wanted to tell her to not feel guilty for what but the moment I turned to look at her she suddenly gave me a hug and I panicked the next thing I knew I raised my hands and she was on the ground.” Rodney knew John had feelings for Elizabeth as well….not as strong as they were for him, but enough that John’s face twisted out of guilt. “I simply helped her up off the ground, apologized and walked off thinking I needed sleep. And then the next day it happened again, again and again. People would randomly touch me and I would go into this panic.” He bit his lip, “I never wanted Kolya to get the satisfaction of knowing I could get weak. But I feel like he is.”
Rodney slowly lifted his hand to as to give him warning that he was going to touch him as he reached for his face. John was receptive, moving his head to let him touch his cheek. The scientist ran his fingers gently up and down the tear stained skin. He felt him lean into his touch.
“Kolya didn’t win,” Rodney said slipping his hand under his chin and lifting his head, “if Kolya won, you wouldn’t be here…..we’d be...mourning you…..” He bit his lip. There was a time during that hell where he thought John’s demise would be inevitable but he hit himself doubting John’s incredible ability to survive. “If you think Kolya is winning then he is winning.”
“Then why can’t people touch me without me freaking out,” John said, closing his eyes for a moment.
“Because John,” Rodney said, “a life sucking space vampire was forced to feed off you , if you were not emotionally….then you are not human…..besides you are doing much better than me if I was in that situation.”
John opened his eyes and then narrowed them a little. He laughed a little before opening his eyes.
“And that’s not much of a stretch considering how much of a basket case you are,” He said. Rodney smiled. At least talking to John seemed to make him feel better a little. But he had an idea to help John at least…..take back his sense of security, something he could use from experience. “But you are right….I guess I had no choice but to hang on….I just want to feel safe again…...will you stay with me tonight?”
“When have I said no to that?” Rodney chuckled. He lowered his hand to poke him in the stomach like he always did when he teached him….but stopped himself He knew John was going to panic attack so he stopped himself. “How about this you get yourself cleaned off….maybe take a shower….and if you want we can talk some more alright? I may even have an idea to help you….but no matter what I do, will you trust me?”
John nodded his head as he stood up.
“Of course,” John said, “I won’t take long.”
“Take your time,” Rodney said.
As he watched John walk into the bathroom, he wondered how the hell he was going to approach the idea he had in mind.
-0-
John turned off the shower and stepped out. He had to admit taking a long shower washing himself clean of the perils of the day. He picked up a towel and wrapped it around his waist. At the corner of his eye he saw the scar sustained from the incident in the mirror. For a moment he thought about covering up, knowing how worried Rodney got about him sometimes even if he didn’t seem to be that way. But if he wanted to let Rodney heal him then he had to be comfortable with him to share some of the experience with him.
He took a deep breath and walked into the room. Rodney was standing in front of the bed with his hands linked behind his back, stripped down to his boxers so John didn’t feel as awkward. The Colonel couldn’t help but smirk. Rodney didn’t have to but he loved how the scientist had to make things even steven between them.
“Have a seat,” Rodney said gesturing towards the bed.
John obeyed. He sat down casually putting his hands on the side of him for balance. He was curious on what Rodney had planned for him. Would it be just talking or?
“Years ago my roommate from College had the same problem as you,” He said looking at John in his eyes, “Well, obviously the Wraith and the Genii obviously don’t live on earth so he wasn’t in the same predicament as you….but during our sophomore year, he was raped, pretty violently too. For the most part he was okay….he was brave enough to put the bastard in jail, he didn’t let it affect his life, he started going to therapy even started going out to the bars to at least try to get intimate again.” He watched as Rodney’s face shifted to that of pain. John assumed this friend of his was very close, and seeing him like was probably opening some old wounds. “If he knew he was going to be touched….he was fine….but if he wasn’t warned he would go into an absolute panic. This went on for about a year until he started dating a guy he met at the bar, an absolute sweetheart, they are still together to this day…and all of a sudden there was a 360 degree turn around, someone from school patted my roommate on the back and didn’t even flinch once.”
“What did he do?” John said tilting his head to the side.
“Well he uhh…” Rodney hesitated.
John froze. He could assumed by Rodney’s hesitation to speak and the concerned look on the face, whatever Rodney had planned for him involved him reliving the experience. John curled his fists. He wasn’t going to panic. He was just going to quietly tell Rodney he wasn’t comfortable with being bound and gagged again so quickly after what happened.
“Rodney if you’re planning to-” He began.
“I am not gonna tie you up,” Rodney interrupted, “I am not that foolish, that would do more harm than good and there won’t be any gags involved either if you are going to assume that too.”
John let out a huge sigh of relief, unclenching his fists and his eyes moving down to his feet. Not that he should have doubted Rodney, he always understood his needs and boundaries as John understood his. But still with the physicist being desperate to help John through this he had every right to be nervous. Yet with Rodney’s hands behind his back, he couldn’t help but wonder what idea he did have plan for him. Maybe it was some sort of lavender oil and with John’s sometimes very manly pride Rodney knew he would be embarrassed if it’s involved.
“But I want to ask you how would you feel about being blindfolded,” Rodney said. John’s head shot up at that, “look I know pilots such as yourself don’t like to have their sight taken away from you even if its for five minutes…...but I feel John….it could really help you. As my friend said…...having the inability to see really helped him focus on the affection his partner was giving to him rather than the memory of being hurt. If you are uncomfortable with it John…..I will stop….immediately.”
John pondered the idea for a moment. It wasn’t like this tactic was being used by someone on Atlantis he didn’t trust. It was by Rodney, someone who loved and adored him and would never hurt him even if Kolya was standing behind him right now and putting a gun to his head. As long as he knew that Rodney would cease what he was doing if he was uncomfortable. Besides Rodney was right. It could really help him.
“Alright,” John said quietly looking up a little, “Do it.”
At least it finally revealed what was behind his back. It was a long red sash made from Athosian material. How he was able to retrieve it within the small amount of time he had after John jumped in the shower was beyond him. But at least he made a conscious effort to make sure that the sash he picked up looked nothing like the material used to gag him. John knew he would have been triggered.
As Rodney stepped behind him John closed his eyes. He inhaled deeply through his nose in and out, hearing the bed creep and the sheets dip behind him. His hands curled in anticipation and nerves. When he felt the soft cool material of the sash rest against his skin, his eyes opened abruptly. It was dark, only a sliver of light could be seen through the bottom of the blindfold only to disappear when Rodney tightened the material off.
“I am going to start by telling you when I am going to move my hands,” Rodney whispered in his ear. John loved when he did that, but the blindfold made it more enjoyable as the sensation was much more intense. “I want you to pay attention to the feel of my hands and only that. If you are ready I’ll start to do it without warning…..ready.”
John nodded his head.
“Good,” Rodney responded, “I’m going to move my hands to touch you now.”
Moments later his hands rested on his shoulders. For a moment he thought about how rough hands grabbed him down and held him into place. But Rodney's hands were far from that. They were much smaller than those of the Genii's they were much softer too. It was more noticeable with the lack of light that was invading his sight.
"You alright there Sheppard?" Rodney whispered in his ear.
John licked his lips and nodded his head eagerly. Rodney's hands began to squeeze his shoulders over and over again. Thumbs squeezing into his shoulder blades in a circular motion. He was pressing into the muscles he knew were tangled up in knots from all the tension and all the stress.
"You mind if I kiss you from time to time?" Rodney asked massaging his shoulders.
"I don't know what kissing does to-" John asked before he was cut off by Rodney's lips touching his neck. The Colonel moaned softly. Rodney knew how much of a sensitive area his neck was, and always loved to tease it. At least he wasn't frightened. The feel of lips were different from the feel of hands.
Rodney's lips continued to touch the area between his neck and shoulder. The only that would cause small cries to leave from the back of his throat. As much as he loved the sensation that coursed through his body, he continued to focus on Rodney's hands that now moved the contours of muscles of his arms. .
They were far from the wraith's. It was quite cold. Like the way they felt when they were out in the winter cold for hours on end playing in the snow. It was the way his own hands would feel after spending a day out in the cold in Antarctica. Another feature that made them uncomfortable that they were dry almost scaley almost like a snake r some form of a cold blooded reptile. The fingers were long and almost boney. It was as if they were sharp twigs, hell it even felt like a skeleton was touching him.
Rodney's hands left for a minute before John felt the scientist whisper in his ear once again.
"I am going to touch you again." He said before his hands moved on his back.
He first started crawling his fingertips up and down The colonel's spine. Paying very careful attention to their ridges. He then started using the tips of his finger nails to make small and circular motions around his back. The chills they had called it. It was living to it's name. He felt delightful shivers go up and down his spine.
Rodney's hands were much different from the Wraith's. His hands were almost warm. Almost more so in the enforced darkness. It was either because he gripped onto his working tablet all day or it was after holding a cup of hot coffee. They were soft. Rodney never liked to have his dry. He said it felt it felt uncomfortable and often distracted him from his work. Even if he used hand lotion five times a day they managed to be very very soft. Almost like the feel of baby skin. His fingers were quite strong from all the typing and all the writing he did when writing down formulas and experiments.
Despite the fact they were small, they were quite powerful. They were the very ones that made him feel always so secure. It was John loved the feel of them on his body so much.
Even more so now when they moved from one area of his body to the other with his warning. The blindfold made John realize how actually good it felt on his skin. When Rodney took his hands off his body for the fifth time John had almost felt like he was floating away. After days of feeling tense and feeling scared that something was going to happen to him again and he would feel so much agony, the feeling of actually feeling relaxed had felt so good.
"You're doing so well John," Rodney said leaning over to kiss his lips gently, "you haven't panicked....even once. I am going to start touching you randomly now...without warning, are you ready or do you want to stop here for now."
"No," John said shaking his head gently, "I want to continue while I still have the feel of your hands fresh in your mind."
Rodney hummed, soon John could hear the bed creak again. In the darkness his lover's presence not an inch near him was even more noticed than ever. John moved his head around trying to pinpoint Rodney's location. He gripped the sheets beneath him trying with all his might to stay calm.
"Rod-" John managed to stutter out.
Suddenly he felt a warm hand touch his face. Fingers moving over the perimeter of his cheeks. He jumped slightly startled at the sudden touch. But when he felt strong, short and warm fingers move over his jawline. He relaxed. It was the first time he was able to distinguish a loving touch rather than that of the wraith.
"It's alright," Rodney said. John could feel his smile as his hands left his face and quickly moved on touch his hips, "see....you are not panicking, you were doing better already."
John couldn't help but smile as his lover's hands moved up and down his sides. Rodney would often do the same thing when they kissed passionately. He knew he loved how secure the other man felt in his loving embrace. He sighed happily as he closed behind the blindfold relaxing.
But it didn't last long.
Without a hint of warning John felt a large hand move off his hip and rest against the very same spot where the wraith slammed his hand to take his life force only days ago.
John took a sharp intake of breath through his lungs. His heart pounding through his chest. He almost expected to open his eyes and suddenly be back bound to that chair, two Genii shoulders holding him down so he couldn't squirm, Kolya's laugh echoing throughout the room and the sheer feel of agony coursing through his body. But then when he concentrated and felt the warm hand, with short strong fingers, he suddenly ceased to panic.
For the first time, he felt at peace with the situation. Yes he was fed off of by a wraith three....no four horrible and agonizing times. He felt everything leave his body with a simply touch on his chest. But he didn't die. He was alive, he was here and he was loved.
In the end, in this senseless moronic battle between him and Acastus Kolya, John Sheppard came out victorious.
"Oh god," Rodney said, his hand crouching over the chest over the scar, "I shouldn't have done that."
John blindly reached up and placed both hands on Rodney's face..
"No," He said, his true full hearted smile forming upon his lips, "it was what I needed all along..."
And with those words came a revelation. Almost dying....actually staring death in the face Rodney was something more than just someone he could have an intimate relationship. He was....his partner....the love of his life.
"And it was you caring for me so deeply," He said, "I want to take our relationship to the next level."
He could hear Rodney wince, moments later he felt tears not of sadness but of joy move down his face. John's thumbs moved over his cheeks and wiped his tears away.
"You know how long I waited for you to say that," Rodney whispered.
John chuckled.
"A very long time."
He pulled Rodney's face close to him and started kissing him passionately. He could feel the scientist fully melting into his kiss and as he fell backwards, pulling Rodney on top of him, he felt his hand move slowly up his thigh and behind the towel.
-0-
As they breathed heavily from their high, Rodney reached forward to pull of the blindfold. John blinked at the sudden invasion of light. But soon looked deep into Rodney's blue eyes. He reached over to Rodney started stroking his cheek for a moment before claiming his lips gently again.
"Well you look better," Rodney said with a chuckle against his lips.
"Maybe because I needed Doctor McKay's magic touch," John said kissing him again before pulling back, "Thank you for doing that Rodney....I finally feel....alive."
"I know," Rodney said as he moved his head to nuzzle his head into John's neck, "I would never let you go through that alone."
"Its because of that it makes me love you more," John said as he kissed his forehead. "Good night Rodney."
"Good night John."
Within moments John had drifted off to a very peaceful sleep.
-0-
"Well you look better," John heard a voice say as he went to get his breakfast. He turned his head and saw Elizabeth who just days ago, John pushed to the ground when he was frightened about her touching him.
"Rodney and I had a nice talk last night," John said as he turned to Rodney who was sitting with Ronon and Teyla having breakfast. "I....basically let out how I was feeling and Rodney listened....look...I want to apologize for what I did the other day I was a bit."
"I understand you have every right to feel the way you did," Elizabeth said "there's no weakness in that."
And then it happened. Elizabeth kindly and gently rested h34 hand on his arm for reassurance. Not once did he jump nor did he flinch. He remained calm being able to finally know that not every touch would suck the life out of him. It would only be out of affection.
He turned his head to Rodney, when their eyes met, a smile curled on John's lips.
He knew he would have never been okay had Rodney not been there to catch him when he fell.
Fandom Stargate Atlantis
Rating R
Pairing John/Rodney
Summary After his ordeal during the events of Common Ground, John finds himself suffering through extreme PTSD, not even being able to handle being touched, Rodney helps in the best way he could.
Warnings Mentions of Torture, Sensory Depravation as a form of threapy.
Disclaimer I do not own any of the characters in this fic, this event is just a part of my imagination
Notes: Heres part 2!!
For For starbuckssue who asked for John angsting and Rodney helps in the most Rodney way he can
Part 1
“John it’s me,” Rodney said leaning against the doorway to John’s room….slowly knocking, “open up.”
There was no answer. The only sound that replied to him was the sound of John’s quiet weeping. Rodney bit his lip at that. He heard the other man speak to the point where his voice almost cracked….but never cried. John never wanted to outright show weakness. Only hold onto him tight as they made love.
The image was frightening enough. John was a strong man, heroism was what defined him. Seeing him in the state Kolya had put him in to be shown on that grainy image was something out of the ordinary. But the state he perceived John to be in seemed something rather frightening, something that shouldn’t even be there.
“John open up,” Rodney said again his voice sounding somewhat impatient, “it’s either that or I am going to-”
There was a swish and the door opened.
The room was dark. Only the light of the moon that reflected over the Atlantis ocean illuminated the darkness that lit the path. He looked around and tried to pinpoint John’s location by the sound of his weeping. His eyes quickly gazed upon a shadow crouched in the corner of the room.
“Oh John,” Rodney whispered as he ran to his side.
John was crouched in a fetal position. His long and slender legs were tucked to his chest. His head buried into his knees. His hands were clamped over his ears blocking out some invisible sound. Maybe he thought he heard the wraith? The sound of Acastus Kolya’s triumphant laugh as the wraith took his life? He didn’t know. John was wailing, his body shaking in terror at each sob that left his lips.
It was a far cry from the brave John, who laughed in the face of danger, and risked his life to save the people he loved. It couldn’t be him it had to be an imposter, hell even a replicator. But hell, the probability that the man in the prone position wasn’t John was unlikely.
“John hey,” Rodney said as he knelt at the Colonel’s side. He was surprised at how kind and affectionate he sounded. He was never usually good at comforting people in general, he didn’t know how he would be around a person with post traumatic stress such as this. But he had to get over himself. John needed him. “It’s okay.”
He placed his hand gently on John’s shoulder, hoping his gesture, one that John often reveled, would help him. But yet like a hand pulling away from a hot stove, he jumped. He began to recoil, crawling on his hands, and his back pushing against the wall. His breathing was ragged and harsh as if he was drowning in deep water, and he was finally coming up for air.
“No,” He rasped slamming his eyes shut and turning his head away from Rodney. The tear tracks were glistening in the shadows from the little light that filled the room.
He wasn’t going to give up trying to comfort him, especially since he had seen situations like this amongst other Atlantis members when something so terrible would happen off world. They would have to be sedated, sometimes even restrained if they were violent. Sometimes when John was angry he would punch and throw things. He cringed as he remembered how John punched through a plate glass window when he couldn’t save Ford from his enzyme induced frenzy.
Knowing how much more detrimental a medical team putting John in restraints would be than , he knew it would be a bad idea to just step back and let the medical team deal with it. He had to do this on his own. It would be difficult…...but he rather at least attempt John in the best way he could rather than sit and do nothing.
But at least he wasn’t going into this like he did with many difficult and dangerous situations, with no idea how to solve them. From what he seen so far being touched was one of John’s triggers….understandable. Wraith feedings began the moment the hand touched the skin. Most likely instead of associating a touch as a gesture which would cause pleasure, he associated it with pain.
If he could at least tackle that aspect of the after effects of Kolya’s attack, the other aspects would be easier to tackle..
With that in mind he remained in his spot, on his knees and watched for John to calm down just a little. When John’s breathing slowed to a normal pace, he reached over and placed his hands on John’s broad shoulders, squeezing them reassuringly. It only took milliseconds for John’s eyes to open abruptly and start panicking again.
“DON’T TOUCH ME!” He cried, his body was thrashing, his hands started clawing at Rodney’s chest. He must have thought Rodney was the wraith or the guards holding him down to make sure, though restrained, he couldn’t squirm away from the wraith’s cold hand touching his chest to feed off him. “JUST KILL ME KOLYA! FINISH IT! I CAN’T!”
“John look at me, I am not Kolya, it’s me!” Rodney said sternly squeezing the other man’s shoulders. He still thrashed wildly. Finally Rodney’s hands moved forward and grabbed the other man’s face. He gripped tightly and forced John to look at him. His blue eyes met John’s frantic and wide open hazel eyes. Usually Rodney would make some wise crack comment, some joke that would involuntarily cause a grin on John’s angst ridden face, but he couldn’t this time. Once John’s panic levels began to lower, he was going to feel weak, especially since he bared his weak side which was often hidden beneath the bravery. “You are not in that bunker, you are in Atlantis….the wraith, Kolya and all his little friends are no where near this city.”
Surprisingly Rodney’s very direct method caused John to start to relax. While there was still fear in his eyes….the tension in his face slowly faded. He began to take deep breaths in and out, the heavy breathing visible in his chest as it sharply rose and fell. Soon his hands broke from his defensive position as they loosely fell onto his lap as if they were boneless.
“That’s it calm, down,” Rodney said. The grip on the Colonel’s face loosened. One hand remained on his cheek wiping his tears away with his thumb. The other took John’s hand in his own. He felt the Colonel squeeze it tight as if it were a lifeline. “I know you are the type to shut people out and deal with your shit alone….but this John….you may be a soldier….taught to endure the worst….but there’s only so much one man could deal with alone.” John blinked and bit his lip, the words were sinking in. “What Kolya did….fuck….if Ronon was in that position I don’t think you can handle it.” Rodney turned his head away for a moment before looking back into John’s eyes, “I want to help you John, but you gotta let me in.”
Moments passed and not a word was spoken between either of them. He had done enough calming him down, and showing affection. He wasn’t going to push him to speak about a sore subject. He would leave it to John to touch on the subject of his fears and vulnerability due to Kolya’s wrath.
John sniffled and lowered his head, trying to avoid eye contact….or he could be gathering his thoughts. He was still silent, only letting his heavy breathing do the talking it. For a man who was a classic introvert it was difficult for him to start talking about his feelings. John's belief that he had to be this strong heroic figure. Weakness wasn't an option when was put upon a pedestal.
The question was...how could they depend on to protect them and save their lives when he was now vulnerable to the point where he could no longer be touched due to fear!
In Rodney's eyes John was still the brave man who was willing to walk on hot coals to save the people the people he loved. He just...was going through something traumatic. Something that no human should ever go through. It wasn't something where a person closed his or her eyes and all of a sudden the fall out of it was over, there was much more needed to overcome such an event.
And Rodney's love could be one of those things to help him. That was if John trusted him.
"If I talk about it," John said lifting his head looking for reassurance from his lover, "you promise..."
Rodney took his hand in his own and squeezed it tight, encouraging him to speak.
“John,” He said, “I may be a loud mouth but you know you could trust me John, just like I trust you to protect me on dangerous missions."'
There were tears still flowing freely from down those beautiful hazel eyes. But Rodney could see, a smile curl upon John's lips. He wished it was the smile he fell in love with. The one where he was having a crappy day sent warmth down his spine. It was something.
But it didn't last . John sniffed and looked into Rodney's eyes. His face was stern but his lip quivered.
“I don’t know why I feel like I’m walking on eggshells,” He said quietly, “I know, I didn’t like being bound and gagged to that chair with all of you watching in shock, but I would have preferred that then….” He trailed off. He let go of Rodney’s hand and wrapped his arms around himself. His hands moved over his own biceps running his hands over it. “You think of someone touching you its out of love, out of kindness.” He paused suddenly that small smile was back. “Like when you touch me I feel….warmth….I feel safety and….” He frowned, blinking slowly. He could tell by his face he was coming to a revelation, a thought. “When the wraith first slammed his hand into my chest, I closed my eyes and tried to think about how I feel those nights we spend together. How you couldn’t keep your hands off me. But it didn’t work your hands were on me in my imagination and I still felt the agony.”
Rodney could feel his eyes burning as his vision blurred. He almost felt himself get transported back to that moment he stood in the control room next to Elizabeth. He didn’t know who he wanted to hurt more, Kolya for being the mastermind behind the nightmare, Ladon for being the reason John was suffering in the first place or Elizabeth for not doing her job by letting John suffer like this rather than reasoning with Kolya. He felt rage at the same time agony for seeing John the way he did.
But Elizabeth and Ladon weren’t to blame for this occurring. It was Kolya, as sick of a bastard as he was for planning this thing effectively (making absolute and complete sure John suffered physically and emotionally). Rodney had found ancient bombs that were small yet implode structures within themselves. He wasn’t afraid to shove it down Kolya’s throat and leave him just a mass of blood and guts.
But now wasn’t the time to think of vengeful thoughts. It was the time to help John and now that The Scientist had some reasoning as to why his best friend and occasional bed partner couldn’t be touched.
“Initially after I parted with that Wraith on that planet I thought I was going to be okay,” The Colonel continued, “and then I came back to Atlantis. I told Elizabeth to meet me on the balcony….I wanted to tell her to not feel guilty for what but the moment I turned to look at her she suddenly gave me a hug and I panicked the next thing I knew I raised my hands and she was on the ground.” Rodney knew John had feelings for Elizabeth as well….not as strong as they were for him, but enough that John’s face twisted out of guilt. “I simply helped her up off the ground, apologized and walked off thinking I needed sleep. And then the next day it happened again, again and again. People would randomly touch me and I would go into this panic.” He bit his lip, “I never wanted Kolya to get the satisfaction of knowing I could get weak. But I feel like he is.”
Rodney slowly lifted his hand to as to give him warning that he was going to touch him as he reached for his face. John was receptive, moving his head to let him touch his cheek. The scientist ran his fingers gently up and down the tear stained skin. He felt him lean into his touch.
“Kolya didn’t win,” Rodney said slipping his hand under his chin and lifting his head, “if Kolya won, you wouldn’t be here…..we’d be...mourning you…..” He bit his lip. There was a time during that hell where he thought John’s demise would be inevitable but he hit himself doubting John’s incredible ability to survive. “If you think Kolya is winning then he is winning.”
“Then why can’t people touch me without me freaking out,” John said, closing his eyes for a moment.
“Because John,” Rodney said, “a life sucking space vampire was forced to feed off you , if you were not emotionally….then you are not human…..besides you are doing much better than me if I was in that situation.”
John opened his eyes and then narrowed them a little. He laughed a little before opening his eyes.
“And that’s not much of a stretch considering how much of a basket case you are,” He said. Rodney smiled. At least talking to John seemed to make him feel better a little. But he had an idea to help John at least…..take back his sense of security, something he could use from experience. “But you are right….I guess I had no choice but to hang on….I just want to feel safe again…...will you stay with me tonight?”
“When have I said no to that?” Rodney chuckled. He lowered his hand to poke him in the stomach like he always did when he teached him….but stopped himself He knew John was going to panic attack so he stopped himself. “How about this you get yourself cleaned off….maybe take a shower….and if you want we can talk some more alright? I may even have an idea to help you….but no matter what I do, will you trust me?”
John nodded his head as he stood up.
“Of course,” John said, “I won’t take long.”
“Take your time,” Rodney said.
As he watched John walk into the bathroom, he wondered how the hell he was going to approach the idea he had in mind.
-0-
John turned off the shower and stepped out. He had to admit taking a long shower washing himself clean of the perils of the day. He picked up a towel and wrapped it around his waist. At the corner of his eye he saw the scar sustained from the incident in the mirror. For a moment he thought about covering up, knowing how worried Rodney got about him sometimes even if he didn’t seem to be that way. But if he wanted to let Rodney heal him then he had to be comfortable with him to share some of the experience with him.
He took a deep breath and walked into the room. Rodney was standing in front of the bed with his hands linked behind his back, stripped down to his boxers so John didn’t feel as awkward. The Colonel couldn’t help but smirk. Rodney didn’t have to but he loved how the scientist had to make things even steven between them.
“Have a seat,” Rodney said gesturing towards the bed.
John obeyed. He sat down casually putting his hands on the side of him for balance. He was curious on what Rodney had planned for him. Would it be just talking or?
“Years ago my roommate from College had the same problem as you,” He said looking at John in his eyes, “Well, obviously the Wraith and the Genii obviously don’t live on earth so he wasn’t in the same predicament as you….but during our sophomore year, he was raped, pretty violently too. For the most part he was okay….he was brave enough to put the bastard in jail, he didn’t let it affect his life, he started going to therapy even started going out to the bars to at least try to get intimate again.” He watched as Rodney’s face shifted to that of pain. John assumed this friend of his was very close, and seeing him like was probably opening some old wounds. “If he knew he was going to be touched….he was fine….but if he wasn’t warned he would go into an absolute panic. This went on for about a year until he started dating a guy he met at the bar, an absolute sweetheart, they are still together to this day…and all of a sudden there was a 360 degree turn around, someone from school patted my roommate on the back and didn’t even flinch once.”
“What did he do?” John said tilting his head to the side.
“Well he uhh…” Rodney hesitated.
John froze. He could assumed by Rodney’s hesitation to speak and the concerned look on the face, whatever Rodney had planned for him involved him reliving the experience. John curled his fists. He wasn’t going to panic. He was just going to quietly tell Rodney he wasn’t comfortable with being bound and gagged again so quickly after what happened.
“Rodney if you’re planning to-” He began.
“I am not gonna tie you up,” Rodney interrupted, “I am not that foolish, that would do more harm than good and there won’t be any gags involved either if you are going to assume that too.”
John let out a huge sigh of relief, unclenching his fists and his eyes moving down to his feet. Not that he should have doubted Rodney, he always understood his needs and boundaries as John understood his. But still with the physicist being desperate to help John through this he had every right to be nervous. Yet with Rodney’s hands behind his back, he couldn’t help but wonder what idea he did have plan for him. Maybe it was some sort of lavender oil and with John’s sometimes very manly pride Rodney knew he would be embarrassed if it’s involved.
“But I want to ask you how would you feel about being blindfolded,” Rodney said. John’s head shot up at that, “look I know pilots such as yourself don’t like to have their sight taken away from you even if its for five minutes…...but I feel John….it could really help you. As my friend said…...having the inability to see really helped him focus on the affection his partner was giving to him rather than the memory of being hurt. If you are uncomfortable with it John…..I will stop….immediately.”
John pondered the idea for a moment. It wasn’t like this tactic was being used by someone on Atlantis he didn’t trust. It was by Rodney, someone who loved and adored him and would never hurt him even if Kolya was standing behind him right now and putting a gun to his head. As long as he knew that Rodney would cease what he was doing if he was uncomfortable. Besides Rodney was right. It could really help him.
“Alright,” John said quietly looking up a little, “Do it.”
At least it finally revealed what was behind his back. It was a long red sash made from Athosian material. How he was able to retrieve it within the small amount of time he had after John jumped in the shower was beyond him. But at least he made a conscious effort to make sure that the sash he picked up looked nothing like the material used to gag him. John knew he would have been triggered.
As Rodney stepped behind him John closed his eyes. He inhaled deeply through his nose in and out, hearing the bed creep and the sheets dip behind him. His hands curled in anticipation and nerves. When he felt the soft cool material of the sash rest against his skin, his eyes opened abruptly. It was dark, only a sliver of light could be seen through the bottom of the blindfold only to disappear when Rodney tightened the material off.
“I am going to start by telling you when I am going to move my hands,” Rodney whispered in his ear. John loved when he did that, but the blindfold made it more enjoyable as the sensation was much more intense. “I want you to pay attention to the feel of my hands and only that. If you are ready I’ll start to do it without warning…..ready.”
John nodded his head.
“Good,” Rodney responded, “I’m going to move my hands to touch you now.”
Moments later his hands rested on his shoulders. For a moment he thought about how rough hands grabbed him down and held him into place. But Rodney's hands were far from that. They were much smaller than those of the Genii's they were much softer too. It was more noticeable with the lack of light that was invading his sight.
"You alright there Sheppard?" Rodney whispered in his ear.
John licked his lips and nodded his head eagerly. Rodney's hands began to squeeze his shoulders over and over again. Thumbs squeezing into his shoulder blades in a circular motion. He was pressing into the muscles he knew were tangled up in knots from all the tension and all the stress.
"You mind if I kiss you from time to time?" Rodney asked massaging his shoulders.
"I don't know what kissing does to-" John asked before he was cut off by Rodney's lips touching his neck. The Colonel moaned softly. Rodney knew how much of a sensitive area his neck was, and always loved to tease it. At least he wasn't frightened. The feel of lips were different from the feel of hands.
Rodney's lips continued to touch the area between his neck and shoulder. The only that would cause small cries to leave from the back of his throat. As much as he loved the sensation that coursed through his body, he continued to focus on Rodney's hands that now moved the contours of muscles of his arms. .
They were far from the wraith's. It was quite cold. Like the way they felt when they were out in the winter cold for hours on end playing in the snow. It was the way his own hands would feel after spending a day out in the cold in Antarctica. Another feature that made them uncomfortable that they were dry almost scaley almost like a snake r some form of a cold blooded reptile. The fingers were long and almost boney. It was as if they were sharp twigs, hell it even felt like a skeleton was touching him.
Rodney's hands left for a minute before John felt the scientist whisper in his ear once again.
"I am going to touch you again." He said before his hands moved on his back.
He first started crawling his fingertips up and down The colonel's spine. Paying very careful attention to their ridges. He then started using the tips of his finger nails to make small and circular motions around his back. The chills they had called it. It was living to it's name. He felt delightful shivers go up and down his spine.
Rodney's hands were much different from the Wraith's. His hands were almost warm. Almost more so in the enforced darkness. It was either because he gripped onto his working tablet all day or it was after holding a cup of hot coffee. They were soft. Rodney never liked to have his dry. He said it felt it felt uncomfortable and often distracted him from his work. Even if he used hand lotion five times a day they managed to be very very soft. Almost like the feel of baby skin. His fingers were quite strong from all the typing and all the writing he did when writing down formulas and experiments.
Despite the fact they were small, they were quite powerful. They were the very ones that made him feel always so secure. It was John loved the feel of them on his body so much.
Even more so now when they moved from one area of his body to the other with his warning. The blindfold made John realize how actually good it felt on his skin. When Rodney took his hands off his body for the fifth time John had almost felt like he was floating away. After days of feeling tense and feeling scared that something was going to happen to him again and he would feel so much agony, the feeling of actually feeling relaxed had felt so good.
"You're doing so well John," Rodney said leaning over to kiss his lips gently, "you haven't panicked....even once. I am going to start touching you randomly now...without warning, are you ready or do you want to stop here for now."
"No," John said shaking his head gently, "I want to continue while I still have the feel of your hands fresh in your mind."
Rodney hummed, soon John could hear the bed creak again. In the darkness his lover's presence not an inch near him was even more noticed than ever. John moved his head around trying to pinpoint Rodney's location. He gripped the sheets beneath him trying with all his might to stay calm.
"Rod-" John managed to stutter out.
Suddenly he felt a warm hand touch his face. Fingers moving over the perimeter of his cheeks. He jumped slightly startled at the sudden touch. But when he felt strong, short and warm fingers move over his jawline. He relaxed. It was the first time he was able to distinguish a loving touch rather than that of the wraith.
"It's alright," Rodney said. John could feel his smile as his hands left his face and quickly moved on touch his hips, "see....you are not panicking, you were doing better already."
John couldn't help but smile as his lover's hands moved up and down his sides. Rodney would often do the same thing when they kissed passionately. He knew he loved how secure the other man felt in his loving embrace. He sighed happily as he closed behind the blindfold relaxing.
But it didn't last long.
Without a hint of warning John felt a large hand move off his hip and rest against the very same spot where the wraith slammed his hand to take his life force only days ago.
John took a sharp intake of breath through his lungs. His heart pounding through his chest. He almost expected to open his eyes and suddenly be back bound to that chair, two Genii shoulders holding him down so he couldn't squirm, Kolya's laugh echoing throughout the room and the sheer feel of agony coursing through his body. But then when he concentrated and felt the warm hand, with short strong fingers, he suddenly ceased to panic.
For the first time, he felt at peace with the situation. Yes he was fed off of by a wraith three....no four horrible and agonizing times. He felt everything leave his body with a simply touch on his chest. But he didn't die. He was alive, he was here and he was loved.
In the end, in this senseless moronic battle between him and Acastus Kolya, John Sheppard came out victorious.
"Oh god," Rodney said, his hand crouching over the chest over the scar, "I shouldn't have done that."
John blindly reached up and placed both hands on Rodney's face..
"No," He said, his true full hearted smile forming upon his lips, "it was what I needed all along..."
And with those words came a revelation. Almost dying....actually staring death in the face Rodney was something more than just someone he could have an intimate relationship. He was....his partner....the love of his life.
"And it was you caring for me so deeply," He said, "I want to take our relationship to the next level."
He could hear Rodney wince, moments later he felt tears not of sadness but of joy move down his face. John's thumbs moved over his cheeks and wiped his tears away.
"You know how long I waited for you to say that," Rodney whispered.
John chuckled.
"A very long time."
He pulled Rodney's face close to him and started kissing him passionately. He could feel the scientist fully melting into his kiss and as he fell backwards, pulling Rodney on top of him, he felt his hand move slowly up his thigh and behind the towel.
-0-
As they breathed heavily from their high, Rodney reached forward to pull of the blindfold. John blinked at the sudden invasion of light. But soon looked deep into Rodney's blue eyes. He reached over to Rodney started stroking his cheek for a moment before claiming his lips gently again.
"Well you look better," Rodney said with a chuckle against his lips.
"Maybe because I needed Doctor McKay's magic touch," John said kissing him again before pulling back, "Thank you for doing that Rodney....I finally feel....alive."
"I know," Rodney said as he moved his head to nuzzle his head into John's neck, "I would never let you go through that alone."
"Its because of that it makes me love you more," John said as he kissed his forehead. "Good night Rodney."
"Good night John."
Within moments John had drifted off to a very peaceful sleep.
-0-
"Well you look better," John heard a voice say as he went to get his breakfast. He turned his head and saw Elizabeth who just days ago, John pushed to the ground when he was frightened about her touching him.
"Rodney and I had a nice talk last night," John said as he turned to Rodney who was sitting with Ronon and Teyla having breakfast. "I....basically let out how I was feeling and Rodney listened....look...I want to apologize for what I did the other day I was a bit."
"I understand you have every right to feel the way you did," Elizabeth said "there's no weakness in that."
And then it happened. Elizabeth kindly and gently rested h34 hand on his arm for reassurance. Not once did he jump nor did he flinch. He remained calm being able to finally know that not every touch would suck the life out of him. It would only be out of affection.
He turned his head to Rodney, when their eyes met, a smile curled on John's lips.
He knew he would have never been okay had Rodney not been there to catch him when he fell.