Run and Hide [1/2]
Title Run and Hide [1/2]
Fandom Stargate Atlantis
Rating R
Pairing Eventual!John/Rodney
Summary After his ordeal during the events of Common Ground, John finds himself suffering through extreme PTSD, not even being able to handle being touched, Rodney helps in the best way he could.
Warnings Mentions of Torture, Sensory Depravation as a form of threapy.
Disclaimer I do not own any of the characters in this fic, this event is just a part of my imagination
Notes: Okay so I completely screwed up on the date, thought it was five days off from the actual due date >.<, so I am dividing the fic into two parts cause I feel so awful and I didn't want you to think I abandoned you X3 I am pretty sure I will be finishing the fic tomorrow....think of the next part as something to look forward to.
For For starbuckssue who asked for John angsting and Rodney helps in the most Rodney way he can
Waste away, I'm crawling blind
Hollowed by what I left inside
For you, just you, I'm caught in place
But I ignore what I can't erase
I will run and hide till memories fade away
And I will leave behind a love so strong
-Red - Hide
I am going to be okay, I am going to be okay, John thought as he walked back to his bedroom. Those words have been a constant mantra for the past three damn days.
While losing people was an entirely different story, when it came to events that were traumatic to his psyche, John was the type to let himself privately angst over the situation over a beer for a day or two but then move on with his life. For the most part he was a resilient person, if something happened like for example, when he almost into a bug, he was sitting up in his hospital bed joking around with his teammates like he always did. He thought it would be better to live his life rather than sit around and feel sorry for himself.
But everything that happened just days before…..everything that Acastus Kolya that rat bastard did in attempt to get what he wanted, it was becoming too difficult to ignore.
Had Kolya just used other instruments of torture maybe his hands or fists to extract information from him, maybe just maybe it would have been easier. But no he had to do more.
John always hated being rendered to helplessness and Kolya seemed to read that like an open book. It wasn’t the fact that he was shackled to that chair. He had been unfortunately tied up by natives too many times to even count. As frightening as that was, John learned breathing techniques thanks to Teyla and learned to relax in his forced stillness. So by the time he and Kolya started talking of what he was possibly going to do to him, John was surprisingly relatively calm.
But when they put on the gag….
It was one thing to be forced to stay still, but to be forced to stay silence. He was lucky enough the thick white cloth wasn’t forced into his mouth, but it was tied tight enough his lips were literally forced shut….as if they were glued together. He couldn’t even speak, he coudn’t even scream unless it came out to a incoherent muffled grunt. Hell, even breathing was hard. He couldn’t breathe through his nose without inhaling the cloth’s muster through his nostrils. He shook his head violently back and forth as Kolya’s men laughed at his feeble effort, until finally he surrendered and had to accept the thing wasn’t coming off.
It was only the beginning.
His helplessness, his struggling was put on display before his friends and….his second family all on Atlantis, on a video screen. He remembered the feelings of humiliation, the embarrassment at the thought that everyone he loved…..Elizabeth and Rodney, their voices frantic at the sight of him, were watching this seeing how vulnerable he was. The thought of the two people he cared about the the most on this expedition especially Rodney whom he loved for quite a while now though fearful to admit it, even now made tears burn at the corner of his eyes.
And then came the wraith.
The most haunting thing of the whole situation and the one thing that saved his life. He owed the damn thing for giving him his life back….but that didn’t stop him from remembering how painful it was to be fed upon. The thing didn’t cause just agony it was taking his entire life, his vigor, his strength, his use. He could feel his life being taken away from every single organ, and part of his body….slowly. It was as if he was burned alive. The most frightening thing about it all was the mere fact that it took a simple touch something intimate, and affectionate to cause so much pain and so much agony. One touch reduced to a weak and helpless old creature.
John felt a sharp ache in his chest. Unconsciously he placed his hand flat on the center. Underneath his black shirt was a scar. The wraith had gave him back his life taking away all the wrinkles and the graying hair that came with it. But all that was left was a long deep red line with little claw marks scattered around it that would be a constant reminder of what happened.
When for the past few days, when he was awaken from vivid nightmares and even thought about what happened, it would burn. The more he thought about it….the more it throbbed. It was as if it was punishment for letting him be weak thanks to Kolya. He told himself he wouldn’t let him win.
But he knew in his heart if the bastard were to see him now, he would laugh of despite the fact he didn’t get what he wanted he was victorious in the fact he broke the ever so strong and mighty Colonel John Sheppard.
“John,” The rough voice he knew belonged to Ronon said jolting him from his thoughts.
John closed his eyes for a moment before closing his fist over his chest. He took a deep breath through his nose forcing a smile. He avoided everyone, including people he would often turn to when something went wrong for this very reason. They couldn’t see him like this. He had to put on the mask. Placing his hand at his side and turned to face his friend.
“Hey Chewie,” John said. His voice didn’t have his full and usual exuberance but it was close as he could. The sound made of it Ronon's twist in concern.
Get that fucking look off your face, John thought. The last thing he wanted was for people to have sympathy for him.
“Uh I was just going to your room,” Ronon said, “Teyla told me Carson cleared you medically after you recovered….I wanted to know if you wanted to go running tomorrow.”
He was acting awkward as if he didn't know what to say. Though John wished Ronon wasn't so cautious about the situation...he felt for him. He knew if the tables were turned he would have no idea what to say. But not
make it so obvious.
"Of course!" John said, "not gonna let some wraith get in the way of our brotherly bonding."
A slight awkward chuckle left his lips. Could he make it more obvious he was inwardly hurting?
"John," Ronon said firmly looking directly into John's eyes. He wasn't skilled at comforting others but when it came to things he understood, like the Wraith as like many in the Pegasus Galaxy, he knew his destructive the wraith could be in their lives, he seemed to thrive. "For seven years I ran for my life from the wraith. I know what it is like when they take your sense of security and safety. If you need to talk about what happened. I am here."
John's smile slightly faded but it never left. It was getting had to keep his mask but he was determined. Letting his friends see him in that vulnerable position was the only time they were going to see him in such a state never again...
"Thanks for the offer Ronon," He said, "but I'm fine."
Ronon nodded his head...but he still didn't seem to buy it. Nevertheless he gave John a comforting smile.
“Alright if you need anything I’m not that far down the hall.”
And then it happened….Ronon simply patted John’s shoulder as a friendship would. It was a kind gentle touch….no way it would mean any harm. But inwardly John was panicking. All could think about was being bound and gagged, Kolya’s eyes burning a hole into him, and that simple touch that set off a wave of pure agony.
His scar ached and breathing was difficult. He took baby steps but he felt unsteady on his feet. He needed to get away…..he needed to hide before someone spotted him. But with the harsh breathing that left his lips and his stare similar to that in a deer in headlights…..it was hard to get away.
----------------------
“I’m concerned about Sheppard,” Ronon bluntly said.
Rodney McKay kept his eyes gazed on his tablet. His stylist moved wildly. Being lost in his work was the only thing keeping him from thinking about what had happened to John. Seeing the way his face contorted in agony the moment the wraith touched his chest was stuff of nightmares. That mental picture was the motivation of him keeping as limited contact from John as he could possibly muster.
And to think the night before the two were tangled in a midst of wild esctasy….
Rodney knew he should be helping him. He should be running his hands over his body, making sweet love to tell him everything was okay. But he couldn’t. Rodney feared the moment his large broad hands would touch John’s body….he would see the wraith’s instead. It was something irrational to think……
Yet with Rodney’s bundle of nerves it caused him to at times to think irrationaly.
“He’s a self soother,” he said eyes still buried in his work, more symbols more avoidance, “he’ll be fine, he will always pulls through.”
“There’s a difference between being beaten by a pack of natives and being on by a wraith,” Ronon said sternly, “people can carves cuts, break bones and leave scars…..but a Wraith…it takes everything. It didn’t just take his life force…..it took his strength, his youth…..all his memories disintegrated into horror and nothingness….I know this Rodney…..that brief feeding I suffered before they turned me into a runner made me feel the same woes…..he needs more than just telling him he’s alive. He needs to know affection.”
Rodney took the words in like knives stabbing into each and every area of his body. He only saw the physical effects of the feeding. John was in pain screaming. The handsome and strong young man, with striking hazel eyes became a withered form Rodney could barely recognized. But to know he felt much more than pain…...it was something that he couldn’t stomach.
Slowly with shaking hands he placed the tablet on the table. Eyes finally ripping away from his damn formulas….his…..excuse.
“And you are expecting me to help him,” Rodney said, “I am not strong enough big guy.”
“You’re his boyfriend,” Ronon murmured.
“Fuck buddy…..there’s a difference.” He responded somewhat smirking.
Their relationship was odd. Despite the fact they were friends above anything else, there was love between them. At least he thought John loved him….but he never the type to express anything into words or start a committed relationship. But John did confide to him and him alone it was times like these he needed someone to love and to hold when something went wrong. It was understandable…..when John blamed himself for something that was beyond his control he needed someone to catch him from falling.
It was true, Rodney wished there was more. He wished that there were secret dates among Pegasus, that they share quick stolen kisses in the hallway. That every night they went to bed together and just stared at each other without saying a word. He had faith that one day, they would reach that level, it seemed each time Rodney showed his affection and his passion John started to get closer to crossing the next level from lovers to actual partners.
Rodney knew it was better not to push John….to let him come to the realization to his own….but it this was what had to be for now….he would take it.
Coming to a realization, Rodney knew what he was doing wasn’t helping his cause. He should have ran to John, no matter how hard he would probably kick and scream telling him what Acastus Kolya was nothing, but when in truth it was everything. He had heard John had been on edge. Even if he tried to hide the fact he was hurting, he was failing at it. Everyone could see his sunken eyes and the hoarse tone of voice. Would he at least been better if Rodney came to help him earlier?
“But you’re right….I need to help him,” Rodney said leaning forward and looking into Ronon’s eyes, “you’re the expert on this, how should I act?”
“Just act the way you normally do,” Ronon said folding his arms over his chest.
Rodney frowned, he just hoped the way he would normally act…...wouldn’t scare John off....or at least make everything worse.
TO BE CONTINUED
Fandom Stargate Atlantis
Rating R
Pairing Eventual!John/Rodney
Summary After his ordeal during the events of Common Ground, John finds himself suffering through extreme PTSD, not even being able to handle being touched, Rodney helps in the best way he could.
Warnings Mentions of Torture, Sensory Depravation as a form of threapy.
Disclaimer I do not own any of the characters in this fic, this event is just a part of my imagination
Notes: Okay so I completely screwed up on the date, thought it was five days off from the actual due date >.<, so I am dividing the fic into two parts cause I feel so awful and I didn't want you to think I abandoned you X3 I am pretty sure I will be finishing the fic tomorrow....think of the next part as something to look forward to.
For For starbuckssue who asked for John angsting and Rodney helps in the most Rodney way he can
Waste away, I'm crawling blind
Hollowed by what I left inside
For you, just you, I'm caught in place
But I ignore what I can't erase
I will run and hide till memories fade away
And I will leave behind a love so strong
-Red - Hide
I am going to be okay, I am going to be okay, John thought as he walked back to his bedroom. Those words have been a constant mantra for the past three damn days.
While losing people was an entirely different story, when it came to events that were traumatic to his psyche, John was the type to let himself privately angst over the situation over a beer for a day or two but then move on with his life. For the most part he was a resilient person, if something happened like for example, when he almost into a bug, he was sitting up in his hospital bed joking around with his teammates like he always did. He thought it would be better to live his life rather than sit around and feel sorry for himself.
But everything that happened just days before…..everything that Acastus Kolya that rat bastard did in attempt to get what he wanted, it was becoming too difficult to ignore.
Had Kolya just used other instruments of torture maybe his hands or fists to extract information from him, maybe just maybe it would have been easier. But no he had to do more.
John always hated being rendered to helplessness and Kolya seemed to read that like an open book. It wasn’t the fact that he was shackled to that chair. He had been unfortunately tied up by natives too many times to even count. As frightening as that was, John learned breathing techniques thanks to Teyla and learned to relax in his forced stillness. So by the time he and Kolya started talking of what he was possibly going to do to him, John was surprisingly relatively calm.
But when they put on the gag….
It was one thing to be forced to stay still, but to be forced to stay silence. He was lucky enough the thick white cloth wasn’t forced into his mouth, but it was tied tight enough his lips were literally forced shut….as if they were glued together. He couldn’t even speak, he coudn’t even scream unless it came out to a incoherent muffled grunt. Hell, even breathing was hard. He couldn’t breathe through his nose without inhaling the cloth’s muster through his nostrils. He shook his head violently back and forth as Kolya’s men laughed at his feeble effort, until finally he surrendered and had to accept the thing wasn’t coming off.
It was only the beginning.
His helplessness, his struggling was put on display before his friends and….his second family all on Atlantis, on a video screen. He remembered the feelings of humiliation, the embarrassment at the thought that everyone he loved…..Elizabeth and Rodney, their voices frantic at the sight of him, were watching this seeing how vulnerable he was. The thought of the two people he cared about the the most on this expedition especially Rodney whom he loved for quite a while now though fearful to admit it, even now made tears burn at the corner of his eyes.
And then came the wraith.
The most haunting thing of the whole situation and the one thing that saved his life. He owed the damn thing for giving him his life back….but that didn’t stop him from remembering how painful it was to be fed upon. The thing didn’t cause just agony it was taking his entire life, his vigor, his strength, his use. He could feel his life being taken away from every single organ, and part of his body….slowly. It was as if he was burned alive. The most frightening thing about it all was the mere fact that it took a simple touch something intimate, and affectionate to cause so much pain and so much agony. One touch reduced to a weak and helpless old creature.
John felt a sharp ache in his chest. Unconsciously he placed his hand flat on the center. Underneath his black shirt was a scar. The wraith had gave him back his life taking away all the wrinkles and the graying hair that came with it. But all that was left was a long deep red line with little claw marks scattered around it that would be a constant reminder of what happened.
When for the past few days, when he was awaken from vivid nightmares and even thought about what happened, it would burn. The more he thought about it….the more it throbbed. It was as if it was punishment for letting him be weak thanks to Kolya. He told himself he wouldn’t let him win.
But he knew in his heart if the bastard were to see him now, he would laugh of despite the fact he didn’t get what he wanted he was victorious in the fact he broke the ever so strong and mighty Colonel John Sheppard.
“John,” The rough voice he knew belonged to Ronon said jolting him from his thoughts.
John closed his eyes for a moment before closing his fist over his chest. He took a deep breath through his nose forcing a smile. He avoided everyone, including people he would often turn to when something went wrong for this very reason. They couldn’t see him like this. He had to put on the mask. Placing his hand at his side and turned to face his friend.
“Hey Chewie,” John said. His voice didn’t have his full and usual exuberance but it was close as he could. The sound made of it Ronon's twist in concern.
Get that fucking look off your face, John thought. The last thing he wanted was for people to have sympathy for him.
“Uh I was just going to your room,” Ronon said, “Teyla told me Carson cleared you medically after you recovered….I wanted to know if you wanted to go running tomorrow.”
He was acting awkward as if he didn't know what to say. Though John wished Ronon wasn't so cautious about the situation...he felt for him. He knew if the tables were turned he would have no idea what to say. But not
make it so obvious.
"Of course!" John said, "not gonna let some wraith get in the way of our brotherly bonding."
A slight awkward chuckle left his lips. Could he make it more obvious he was inwardly hurting?
"John," Ronon said firmly looking directly into John's eyes. He wasn't skilled at comforting others but when it came to things he understood, like the Wraith as like many in the Pegasus Galaxy, he knew his destructive the wraith could be in their lives, he seemed to thrive. "For seven years I ran for my life from the wraith. I know what it is like when they take your sense of security and safety. If you need to talk about what happened. I am here."
John's smile slightly faded but it never left. It was getting had to keep his mask but he was determined. Letting his friends see him in that vulnerable position was the only time they were going to see him in such a state never again...
"Thanks for the offer Ronon," He said, "but I'm fine."
Ronon nodded his head...but he still didn't seem to buy it. Nevertheless he gave John a comforting smile.
“Alright if you need anything I’m not that far down the hall.”
And then it happened….Ronon simply patted John’s shoulder as a friendship would. It was a kind gentle touch….no way it would mean any harm. But inwardly John was panicking. All could think about was being bound and gagged, Kolya’s eyes burning a hole into him, and that simple touch that set off a wave of pure agony.
His scar ached and breathing was difficult. He took baby steps but he felt unsteady on his feet. He needed to get away…..he needed to hide before someone spotted him. But with the harsh breathing that left his lips and his stare similar to that in a deer in headlights…..it was hard to get away.
----------------------
“I’m concerned about Sheppard,” Ronon bluntly said.
Rodney McKay kept his eyes gazed on his tablet. His stylist moved wildly. Being lost in his work was the only thing keeping him from thinking about what had happened to John. Seeing the way his face contorted in agony the moment the wraith touched his chest was stuff of nightmares. That mental picture was the motivation of him keeping as limited contact from John as he could possibly muster.
And to think the night before the two were tangled in a midst of wild esctasy….
Rodney knew he should be helping him. He should be running his hands over his body, making sweet love to tell him everything was okay. But he couldn’t. Rodney feared the moment his large broad hands would touch John’s body….he would see the wraith’s instead. It was something irrational to think……
Yet with Rodney’s bundle of nerves it caused him to at times to think irrationaly.
“He’s a self soother,” he said eyes still buried in his work, more symbols more avoidance, “he’ll be fine, he will always pulls through.”
“There’s a difference between being beaten by a pack of natives and being on by a wraith,” Ronon said sternly, “people can carves cuts, break bones and leave scars…..but a Wraith…it takes everything. It didn’t just take his life force…..it took his strength, his youth…..all his memories disintegrated into horror and nothingness….I know this Rodney…..that brief feeding I suffered before they turned me into a runner made me feel the same woes…..he needs more than just telling him he’s alive. He needs to know affection.”
Rodney took the words in like knives stabbing into each and every area of his body. He only saw the physical effects of the feeding. John was in pain screaming. The handsome and strong young man, with striking hazel eyes became a withered form Rodney could barely recognized. But to know he felt much more than pain…...it was something that he couldn’t stomach.
Slowly with shaking hands he placed the tablet on the table. Eyes finally ripping away from his damn formulas….his…..excuse.
“And you are expecting me to help him,” Rodney said, “I am not strong enough big guy.”
“You’re his boyfriend,” Ronon murmured.
“Fuck buddy…..there’s a difference.” He responded somewhat smirking.
Their relationship was odd. Despite the fact they were friends above anything else, there was love between them. At least he thought John loved him….but he never the type to express anything into words or start a committed relationship. But John did confide to him and him alone it was times like these he needed someone to love and to hold when something went wrong. It was understandable…..when John blamed himself for something that was beyond his control he needed someone to catch him from falling.
It was true, Rodney wished there was more. He wished that there were secret dates among Pegasus, that they share quick stolen kisses in the hallway. That every night they went to bed together and just stared at each other without saying a word. He had faith that one day, they would reach that level, it seemed each time Rodney showed his affection and his passion John started to get closer to crossing the next level from lovers to actual partners.
Rodney knew it was better not to push John….to let him come to the realization to his own….but it this was what had to be for now….he would take it.
Coming to a realization, Rodney knew what he was doing wasn’t helping his cause. He should have ran to John, no matter how hard he would probably kick and scream telling him what Acastus Kolya was nothing, but when in truth it was everything. He had heard John had been on edge. Even if he tried to hide the fact he was hurting, he was failing at it. Everyone could see his sunken eyes and the hoarse tone of voice. Would he at least been better if Rodney came to help him earlier?
“But you’re right….I need to help him,” Rodney said leaning forward and looking into Ronon’s eyes, “you’re the expert on this, how should I act?”
“Just act the way you normally do,” Ronon said folding his arms over his chest.
Rodney frowned, he just hoped the way he would normally act…...wouldn’t scare John off....or at least make everything worse.
TO BE CONTINUED