Harder Than Easy - One Shot
Title: Harder Than Easy
Author: y0ungalaska
Summary: A look into Arizona’s mind after her break up with Calliope. Completely A/U.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Characters belonging to Shonda Rhimes and ABC. I own nothing but my ideas.
A/N: I listened to Jack Savoretti’s “Harder Than Easy” and fell in love with it. It kind of inspired me to write this. This one-shot has nothing to do with anything that has happened on GA. It is completely A/U and just something that I wanted to get out. Hope that you enjoy it! P.S. I wrote this in an hour and I didn’t beta it so all mistakes are my own.
Harder Than Easy
“So you think that I'm harder than easy,
and you find me as strange as the truth
I'm as guilty of judging as you are
but the difference is I don't judge you
You believed in your fairy tale endings,
now you find yourself down on your knees
Like a rock that's been changed by the ocean,
or a shipwreck lost out at sea.”
I sat in the bay window of this now rented hotel room, watching the rain fall and watching the people below passing by. Knees to my chest, I sipped on my steaming cup of coffee as I let my mind wander. I was a strong woman; a very strong and independent woman. And for the most part, I never let things affect me. I was strong enough to let it roll off my back without giving it a second thought, unless it was something that affected me to the core of my being. Unless it was something that ate away at me, weakened my spirit and shattered my heart.
Matters of the heartwas not really a ‘Matters of the Heart’ kind of person. I mean, yes, I’ve loved before and just as equally, I’ve lost before, too. Somethingabout this didn’t feel right. To be perfectly honest, everything felt completely wrong. In this moment, as I watched the people of Seattle wander about below my hotel room, I realized that I, Arizona Robbins, could possibly be heartbroken.
Sighing to myself, I pulled my knees closer to my person as I again sipped my coffee. Staring down into the cup of black, my mind wandered, yet again, to the beautiful Latina who had occupied my heart, my life not too long ago. She was beautiful. Everything about her amazed me to the point where, when speaking about her, I was at a loss for words. I couldn’t possibly explain to you how much she amazed me, her beauty, or how much she made me feel. No, I couldn’t possibly because there were no words. There were no words in the English language that I could string together to make you understand what I felt. She was everything to me. And before you ask me questions, just know that when I say everything, I mean dealing with my heart. She was my heart; she was the meaning of love, of patience, honesty, sacrifice and any other word I could think of at the moment. She was that. She IS that.
I fell for her kind of fast, honestly. I’ve never fallen so hard or so fast in my life, but as they say, there’s a first time for everything, right? Things moved a long pretty quickly between the two of us and I can say that I was never happier. But sitting here, in this window, I realize that I am completely alone. Without her. I have no want or need for anything. I miss everything and I shouldn’t. I should be able to get up, shake it off, put on a smile and be my perky self. Thing is, I don’t even know that person right now.
Shaking my head, I rid myself of thoughts just for a moment as I hear a knock on the door. Rising to my feet, I place the coffee cup down on the table and make my way over to the door. Thankfully, today was my day off so I didn’t have to worry about calling into work. My heart raced faster as I slowly made my way over to the door and placed my hand on the knob. Closing my eyes, I had one wish for who would be on the other side of that door and as I opened it with hesitation, I forced myself to open my eyes just as slow.
Standing in the hallway with a box of donuts and a tall White Chocolate Mocha was Teddy, my best friend. I smiled back as I stepped aside and motioned for her to join me. She brought donuts which could only mean one thing; Arizona Robbins was off her game.
I offered her a small smile before closing the door and she returned the gesture as she handed me the coffee, “How are you holding up?”
I laughed out loud incredulously, “Is it really that bad?” Apparently, I was so off my game that everyone noticed it even when I tried my hardest to hide it.
“Well, to be honest, yes.” She answered as she lifted the cup of coffee to her lips before lightly blowing and then taking a sip. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Arizona, but you’re game is completely off. And everyone knows it.”
Thanks for proving my point. I sighed a bit harshly before sitting down across the table from her and flipping open the lid on the donuts. Three maple, three chocolate, two sprinkles, two chocolate custard-filled, and two original glazed. I sat for a moment, contemplating which one I would pick first and Teddy’s voice brought me out of my own world, “Arizona, just pick one.”
I looked up and offered another smile before just reaching in and grabbing for one. Thankfully I liked them all and would not be disappointed in my decision, no matter which one I chose.
“So,” she began before pulling apart a chocolate custard donut and placing the bit into her mouth, “word around the hospital is that every since your break-up, Callie’s being a hard ass to everyone. Makes me kinda happy I don’t have to work with her.” I watched on as she laughed. She was the first person that had actually mentioned myex-girlfriend to me.
“Really?” I asked, trying to sound as though I was interested. After a few moments, I tossed what was left of my donut back in the box, picked up my coffee, and returned to my seat in the window. It was probably rude of me seeing as I have company and all, but right now it’s the only place that I feel safe; the only place that I feel I won’t completely lose myself to this. I’m sure Teddy would understand.
“Arizona?” I heard her question and without turning around, I let out a sound. I’m not sure what kind of sound it was, but it did the job and she continued. “I know this has been hard on you, the break-up. And having the same friends is probably not so easy, either. I also know that because of that fact, you've been avoiding most of us and I want to say that although I understand your reasons, you don’t have to do that. We love you just as much as we love her and just because you two are no longer together doesn’t mean that you have to isolate yourself. So, I’m here for you.”
I didn’t speak after she stopped; I just sat in my spot watching the rain hit the window and contemplated to myself. She was right, if I were to be honest. I was kind of isolating myself from the people I’d come to know and love because in all honesty, they were her friends. This was her family. Out of nowhere, I heard myself speak, “This is so hard, Teddy. I don’tI mean, I don’t even know if this is even real, what I’m feeling.”
As I turned to her, I couldn’t help but allow the tears that I had been fighting off for days make their way out and slowly create a path down my cheeks. I had fought so hard to not do this; to not break, to not cry.
Her facial expression fell as she noticed the tears and before I knew it, her arms were wrapped around me and I was face deep in her shoulder. I was mumbling a lot, but I’m sure none of it made any sense to her. She was a good friend for listening anyway.
After what felt like forever, but only turned out to be fifteen minutes, I pulled myself away from her and walked over to the bathroom to rinse my face and make myself somewhat presentable. Looking in the mirror, I realized that although I may have looked a mess, it felt good to get that out. As I made my way back out, Teddy greeted me with my now semi-hot coffee and we each took a seat at separate ends of the couch.
I inhaled deeply and shut my eyes as I leaned back, feeling the cool leather on my neck. “I’ve been fighting with myself for two weeks, you know?” I stated without even opening my eyes. “Whether or not to talk to her or what I would say even. If I should tell her how I feel or if I should hold back and bullshit my way through conversation.” I lifted my head as I opened my eyes and saw her focused on me, her eyes telling me that it was okay and that she was listening. I smiled and took a sip of my coffee before continuing. “I watch people with her, you know? The way she interacts with them, talks to them, and I find myself insanely jealous of the fact that I can’t just walk up to her and talk to her like that; the fact that I can’t make her smile like they do, or bring out that laugh that I know everyone loves. I’m not that person anymore and it makes me more jealous than I like to admit.” I sipped my coffee.
“Arizona, you shouldn’t be jealous of things like that. It’s I mean, I understand where you’re coming from and I can only imagine that it has to be hard. You just have to have faith that you two will get back there again. We have faith.” She let out a laugh as she looked over to me.
“It’s hard not to. It’s also hard not to wonder what she’s doing or if I’ve been replaced. And before you say anything,” I held my hand up to stop the comment I could see forming in her brain, “I know how stupid that sounds, but these are things that I wonder from time to time. It’s hard not to when the one thing I want is the only thing I can’t have.”
“What do you want?”
“To know what she’s thinking.” I answered without hesitation. It was true; I always found myself wondering what Calliope was thinking at any given time of the day and the fact that I couldn’t figure it out and most likely never would, irritated the hell out of me.
“Why don’t you just ask her?” Teddy inquired. Ah, if only it were that easy. Every time I tried to speak to her, words would fail me and I would end up either just pissing her off or pissing myself off to the point where I felt completely ridiculous and I would end the conversation.
“Asking Calliope questions is not really something I’m good at right now. And even more so, I think I’m more afraid of her answer than I am of actually asking her.”
“Afraid that she’ll say something you don’t want to hear.” I heard my best friend state.
“Yes. Though, I’m not sure what could be worse than simply telling me that I have no chance with her whatsoever. I think that pretty much sealed the deal and well, I don’t think there could be anything worse than that. MaybeI’m not it for her, you know? I mean maybe I want to be it for her and I’m justI’m just not it” I placed my cup on the table and stood up. I could feel the tide shifting within me and I was starting to feel overwhelmed again. Walking over to the window, I looked out and watched the rain for a moment, letting myself calm down, before turning around to Teddy who was intently watching me.
“What?” I asked, crossing my arms and leaning against the wall.
“You two are the most difficultly stubborn people I’ve ever come to know. And after meeting Owen Hunt and Cristina Yang, that’s saying a lot.” For the first time in almost two weeks, I genuinely laughed.
“I just don’t know where to go from here. I mean, a part of me is screaming to fight for her; for this. But another part of me is telling me that maybe I should just back off, you know? Even though this is painful as hell, maybe I should just back off” I let my words trail off as I exhaled.
“Those would be known as your heart and your head.” Teddy pointed out. “And what do YOU think you should do? More importantly, what do you WANT to do?”
I looked at her and contemplated her questions for a moment. What did I want to do? What would be better for me, in the end? Should I be selfish and for once, do what’s best for me? Or should I just walk away and hope for the best? I knew, without a doubt, that I couldn’t live without Calliope in my life. That wasn’t even a question. But did I love her enough to fight for her? Or did I love her enough to let go? So many questions were running through my head at that very moment, I felt light-headed. I missed her, that was a fact. And without her, I felt incomplete, but I knew that she needed time to herself. What did I want? I wanted to put on my gear and go to war; I wanted to fight. But she didn’t want me to fight for her. I shook my head. That wasn’t the point. What did I want? I wanted to walk into that hospital and up to Calliope and demand her attention. I wanted to tell her that this was not over and I wanted to tell her that I would fight for her until I had no fight left in me. That’s what I wanted.
I ran my hand across my forehead before dropping it to my side, “I feel like a lovesick teenager.”
“Honestly, you sound like one.” Teddy spoke with a small smile.
“There are just so many what-if’s, you know? I don’t know where to go from here. I’ve lost my ability to converse, Teddy. In her presence, I lose all train of thought and I can’t even speak. It’s just”
“Do you think you’re the one making it hard?”
“Maybe. Maybe because I’m so focused on not being the same around her, I’m making it hard for me to even be around her at all. I mean how hard is it to say ‘Hello, Calliope. How are you today?’” I asked, looking over to my best friend who was now stifling a laugh.
“Well, I don’t think it’s too hard of a task. Think you can manage it for a week?”
“But then what? I don’t want to say the same thing over and over again and sound completely monotonous. This is ridiculous.”
“Look Arizona, things are not going to be easy and certainly not when it comes to you two. You two are both stubborn, hard-headed and you fail to listen when you believe that you’re right. So no, easy is not the way this is going to play out. And the what-ifs,” she sat on the edge of the sofa and looked to me with nothing but concern in her eyes, “they’re going to be there, but you can’t worry about them. If you do, you’ll end up just worrying yourself to death and let’s face it, that’s not what we want. So, I propose that you take it day by day. Talk about little things and don’t get caught up on the big things. I know that you have these feelings that are just bursting out of you right now, words that are aching to be said and thoughts that are wanting to be discussed, but until she’s ready to sit on the other end of that conversation with you, you’ll never know.” She shrugged. “Just take it one day at a time and time will eventually answer your questions, most likely when you’re not asking so many at one time.” She let out a laugh and seconds later, I did the same. Teddy always knew how to make me feel a little better about things.
I looked over to the table and eyed the donut box. Smiling to myself, I made my way over and grabbed a sprinkled donut, tore a piece off and popped it into my mouth. Setting it down, I turned to Teddy, “Thank you, Teddy, really. I don’t know where I’d be right now if you hadn’t shown up with donuts and coffee.”
“Probably still sitting in the window, watching the happy couples walk by and silently cursing every single one of them with some unknown disease.” I felt her arms wrap around me and I exhaled softly. She was amazing and I knew that she was right. One day at a time.
There were a lot of unanswered questions, a lot of pent up feelings and emotions, but all in all, I was going to be okay. I smiled as Teddy pulled back, “We should get out of here. What do you say?”
“I say let’s go!” I replied with a hint of perkiness.
Before grabbing our things, I went into my room and changed out of my sweats and t-shirt (which happened to belong to Calliope). Teddy spoke of some fond memory and I found myself actually laughing out loud while opening the door.
I immediately saw the look on Teddy’s face and turned around only to come face to face with the one person who had clouded my judgment for the past two weeks. Acknowledging Teddy, she smiled and I stood between the two like a deer caught in headlights.
Teddy whispered in my ear, “Looks like your week is starting now,” before making her way past us and darting for the elevator.
I finally tore my eyes away from my surroundings long enough to notice her watching me, waiting for something
“Arizona”
"In our story of riddles and poems,
every word that you speak tastes like stone.
Like a melody sang my a jester,
some are stolen some are your own
At the end of the day when you're lonely
after begging to be left alone
you can look at this world as your kingdom,
if you want you can make me your home
Sing me a love song
I'm your man
I will always love you the best I can."