Exhausted
What else is there to say? I’m exhausted. Work is always the worst, I hate it. It’s so draining. I barely have any energy to do normal things. 3 days off never seems like enough. I’m glad that I have 15 days off coming up - Felix is coming to visit. I’m looking forward to him coming, but I’m very nervous about it.
I think it’ll be okay since he’s been tested and was negative, so far he’s got his first vaccine, he’s been wearing masks and social distancing. He’ll also be wearing a kn95 mask while traveling, we’re going to toss his clothes into the wash right away, and toss the mask he wears on the plane. I think it’ll be alright, I’m hoping so.
Otherwise, it’s going to be fun. We’re going to go hiking up in the Hoh Rainforest in the Olympic National Forest in Washington. It’s going to be fucking amazing. We going to check out Port Angeles and Jim Hendrix’s grave site on the way back. And hopefully get some salmon fish and chips in Seattle. We’ll be doing lots of hiking around and hanging out. I really haven’t seen anybody other than my roommates and Mason (like once a month) for almost a year. I guess I saw my coworkers before we all got to work from home, but whatever they don’t really count because we’re working and not hanging out. And they’re also not really my friends, some are but mostly not. I miss hanging out with people. I was just starting to make friends here and finding people I actually wanna hang out with (making friends as an adult is a goddamn process), and then Covid decided it was going to pandemic all over the place.
But I’ve had some good tv shows and movies and podcasts get me through these times. I’ve discovered shows I probably wouldn’t have otherwise watched. But I’m glad, I’ve found some gems. One that I’m digging hard right now is The Expanse, I absolutely love it. I can’t get enough of it and all I wanna do is learn more about it and watch it and talk about it with everybody. It’s so good. Ric and I binged the whole 5 season series in a couple of weeks and we’re doing a rewatch. It’s so good. Season 6 is being filmed right now, I’m very excited for it to come out in December. I look forward to watching it after work or on my weekends, whenever Ric and I can sit down and jump into it.
On days like today, where I worked 12 hours of answering call after call after call about people’s dumb power bill issues or whatever the fuck they’re calling about - I’m exhausted. I look forward to watching my stories. Now, when Loren has been off for 10 days, called in to both of her shifts, and will have another 10 days off in a row, but decides to commandeer the TV to watch whatever all day long (going from room to room to watch on different TVs) it’s maddening. All she does is watch TV in every room that has one. She has one in her room. All I wanna do is watch my show after a long day at work. I don’t have a TV in my room, so if the living room TV is occupied I don’t have an option. I don’t know, I’m just fucking tired and I want to watch my space show (and without her talking loudly through the whole show. Nobody cares about your experience at LAX, shut the fuck up Jim Holden is going through something and I wanna hear the god damn dialogue!) It’s dumb but it feels like all I got right now. My soul is tired, it’s used up, and worn out by my job and everything else going on in the world. She has soooooo much time off and does nothing to help around the house. Like fucking get up and clean SOMETHING! Quit pulling trash up all over the house, throw it out. Fucking manage your shit better and stop not taking your medication. It’s maddening, I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. There’s dog shit all over the backyard and on the patio because she just lets Darla shit wherever and never cleans it up. It sucks, the backyard isn’t usable. The deck is the only place you can use. I hate it. The animals’ water dishes are constantly getting super low because she doesn’t manage them, I’m always filling them up. These are her animals. I fear to check the cat box but I feel like I might need to...and then probably clean it.
All this behavior is not fair to the animals or me or Ric. I do my best to keep up on the dishes on my days off and I always take out the trash and recycling. If I didn’t do that it’d never get emptied or rolled down to the curb. I share a bathroom with her and I’m the one who’s cleaning the toilet and the tub, she’s never once taken the initiative to do that. If I didn’t do it or if she had her own bathroom it would be fucking filthy as fuck. I know it.
She leave mail and fast food garbage all over the house, just piles crap onto every tabletop in the house. Like put your god damn shit away. At least put it in your room so the common areas aren’t a fucking wreck all the time. All this shit sucks and I feel like I can’t say anything or maybe I don’t know how to articulate it in a nice way. But I know her answer/excuse will be because she’s depressed. I get it. I know how depression works, and I’m sure it’s very hard dealing with her mom’s death. But she commonly just stops taking her antidepressants and doesn’t do anything else to try to make her situation less shitty. I’m frustrated with it. I’ve been living with this for years now. I feel like I’ve been extremely patient but I’m losing my patience and willingness to be understanding about it. It’s just fucking annoying at this point. I’ve never dealt with someone this depressed before and I don’t have the skills for it. I need a therapist to deal with this shit.
Bottom line, I guess, I’m fucking exhausted with absolutely everything and I just wanna watch The Expanse after an exhausting day at work. I work long hours at a very difficult and draining job. I resent people who barely work and prevent me from doing the few things I need to do to feel alright.
Ugh rant over I guess. I’m just going to go to bed and be mad about it in my room. I’m so tired.