(no subject)
S,
talking to you makes me feel like shit. it hurts it hurts it hurts and i know you've moved on and i haven't and it sucks and i want it to feel okay and i want us to feel okay but every time i feel like it starts to i remember you have someone else and I can't stop myself from wondering who this girl is that has gotten under your skin, and I can admit that I feel jealousy prickling at my body when I think of it and i can't help but wonder if she's prettier than me or sexier or funnier and smoother. I'll probably never know. The point is you have someone and that's okay it's not like i expected you to change or wait or i don't know it's not even waiting because we were never anything and i think that's actually the worst of all of it that i let myself get so attached to someone that i dont think i've meant anything to in a long time and i want to cry because it sucks and i am nothing and i mean nothing but i want to and i wish i did and i crave it and i wish that. i just wish i was good enough for you to god i dont know i know it's impossible, we're impossible, and i know i'm stupid because there was a time when you would have tried to make it possible for me, for us, i think but it's just. i just want to blurt out sometimes i think i've loved you more deeply than anyone before or since and i don't really know what to do about it because i still feel it when you laugh or make fun of me or make me laugh or do stupidly endearing things but then i can feel that you're not really in it anymore, and you're just humoring me and i can't decide if it's worse to love you and only have maybe 30% of you, if that, or if I should just cut it off completely and get over it. But I've tried, god, I have and I can't get you out of my head, even after you hating me and months of you not wanting me around, I always come back.
I'm sorry for toying with you for so long, I was young and I liked you but I knew it wasn't possible for us but maybe since I've grown stupider because that doesn't surpress my feelings like it used to.