Stream of Consciousness
ahhhh.
i'm feeling weak and gross. i've been up since 3 studying for my english midterm and i went to bed around 11:50.. bah. it really is all my fault for not studying during the day on sunday.. oh well? i'm so tired. i feel like a fucking dumpy lard-ass. i was watching this infomerical for "power 90" just now.. and it actually made me SO jealous of these old people, these 40 year old men and women who now have awesome abs and defined arms after 90 days of these crap exercises.. it makes me feel like shit. i don't have defined abs and i can see rolls when i sit down.. i'm not 40 years old. i fast and restrict.. haven't had anything to eat since saturday night. i only worked out once this weekend.. and i hated every min of it too. i plan on having less than 100 cals worth of hard candy today.. i wonder if i should have one this morning or not. maybe.. since i do have a test. i don't know i don't want to think about it now, stupid hard candy. i feel dumpy!!!! i just went to put on these jeans.. gap size 4s and they're loose, i feel like i'm wearing a bag and it bugs the crap out of me. i don't know why, shouldn't i be happy that they're so loose? for some reason i still feel lard-like. so FAT. i fucking hate my body. urgh!!!!!!! i'm so mad right now.. i don't know why. probably because i'm tired and hungry. i hate myself. i don't deserve to be happy like normal people. i put on blush, lip gloss and mascara.. maybe today everyone won't tell me i look like i've been run over/haven't gotten any sleep? HOPEFULY. i don't think i can stand it if they do. i swear one day i'll snap and tell them that they are the rudest people i've ever met.
i feel like i've gained weight.. i probably have.. i wish i hadn't bumped into that car yesterday and i'd gone to the gym.. i wish i could go to the gym today.. i wish i didn't feel like a dumpy lard-ass. i feel so lame .. how many times have i said "i feel" in this thing? haha. it's six.. i need to go study.
i'm in the mood to wear crappy ugly clothes.. because i don't deserve to put anything nice on, becuase i'm a dumpy lard ass.. but i know that if i wear a sweatshirt and sweatpants to school i'll feel like crap all day long wishing i had put something nicer on.. maybe i'll change into overalls? they're kinda cute but still not nice.. urgh!!! but what shirt would i wear? i need something long sleved cos this ana makes me FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZING. on top of being cold all the time as it is.
it's 5 past six. i need to make up a lie quickly to tell my mom that i'd been up since 5 and already had breakfast.. what do i tell her i had? cereal.. it always works. i'll just throw a milky bowl in the sink.. she'll belive it.
i'm having hunger pangs.. better go get a glass of water.
ahh.. i was definitly rejected by him last night.. and he totally acted like he was afraid he would crush me.. break my heart.. i doubt he belived me when i said it was okay, i think i'm good at it though so he probably did belive me.. haha. truth is i am broken hearted, but i can't let him see me weak.. hurt. i think he's broken hearted too, or maybe he wasn't but after seeing my "i understand/it's okay" type reaction to everything, he might have gotten the idea that i didn't care at all.. and i do, naturally.
hmm... so i'm wearing overalls? i have a headache. i was using a permanent marker all morning.. stupid thing made my room smell.. can't open a window.. too cold. maybe i'll wear something nice/new tomorrow.. or maybe i won't till i weigh in and see whether i've lost any weight.. not like i've tried to lose any. i mean i've only gone on my sunday fast, worked out only saturday instead of friday/saturday/sunday.. and i ate friday AND saturday.. only purged twice.. once was real.. blah.
OH! i'd love some tea right now.. tea would be wonderful.. yah. 30cals of sugar though.. is it worth it? i don't know. maybe i'll just grab a hard candy. a cinamon one? or maybe i'll have two.. haha breakfast is the biggest meal of the day.
okay i fucking suck.
if you're not an ana.. and for whatever reason you're reading this.. THIS is what runs through the mind of an ana.. bwahaha.. oh my family is still asleep.
i'm so tired.
i feel like my boobs have shrunken.. please god i hope they haven't. that's like my dream - huge boobs and tiny waist.. ahh! just like my icon
it's 10 past six.. okay i really need to go.
muaha.
g'day sir.
i'm feeling weak and gross. i've been up since 3 studying for my english midterm and i went to bed around 11:50.. bah. it really is all my fault for not studying during the day on sunday.. oh well? i'm so tired. i feel like a fucking dumpy lard-ass. i was watching this infomerical for "power 90" just now.. and it actually made me SO jealous of these old people, these 40 year old men and women who now have awesome abs and defined arms after 90 days of these crap exercises.. it makes me feel like shit. i don't have defined abs and i can see rolls when i sit down.. i'm not 40 years old. i fast and restrict.. haven't had anything to eat since saturday night. i only worked out once this weekend.. and i hated every min of it too. i plan on having less than 100 cals worth of hard candy today.. i wonder if i should have one this morning or not. maybe.. since i do have a test. i don't know i don't want to think about it now, stupid hard candy. i feel dumpy!!!! i just went to put on these jeans.. gap size 4s and they're loose, i feel like i'm wearing a bag and it bugs the crap out of me. i don't know why, shouldn't i be happy that they're so loose? for some reason i still feel lard-like. so FAT. i fucking hate my body. urgh!!!!!!! i'm so mad right now.. i don't know why. probably because i'm tired and hungry. i hate myself. i don't deserve to be happy like normal people. i put on blush, lip gloss and mascara.. maybe today everyone won't tell me i look like i've been run over/haven't gotten any sleep? HOPEFULY. i don't think i can stand it if they do. i swear one day i'll snap and tell them that they are the rudest people i've ever met.
i feel like i've gained weight.. i probably have.. i wish i hadn't bumped into that car yesterday and i'd gone to the gym.. i wish i could go to the gym today.. i wish i didn't feel like a dumpy lard-ass. i feel so lame .. how many times have i said "i feel" in this thing? haha. it's six.. i need to go study.
i'm in the mood to wear crappy ugly clothes.. because i don't deserve to put anything nice on, becuase i'm a dumpy lard ass.. but i know that if i wear a sweatshirt and sweatpants to school i'll feel like crap all day long wishing i had put something nicer on.. maybe i'll change into overalls? they're kinda cute but still not nice.. urgh!!! but what shirt would i wear? i need something long sleved cos this ana makes me FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZING. on top of being cold all the time as it is.
it's 5 past six. i need to make up a lie quickly to tell my mom that i'd been up since 5 and already had breakfast.. what do i tell her i had? cereal.. it always works. i'll just throw a milky bowl in the sink.. she'll belive it.
i'm having hunger pangs.. better go get a glass of water.
ahh.. i was definitly rejected by him last night.. and he totally acted like he was afraid he would crush me.. break my heart.. i doubt he belived me when i said it was okay, i think i'm good at it though so he probably did belive me.. haha. truth is i am broken hearted, but i can't let him see me weak.. hurt. i think he's broken hearted too, or maybe he wasn't but after seeing my "i understand/it's okay" type reaction to everything, he might have gotten the idea that i didn't care at all.. and i do, naturally.
hmm... so i'm wearing overalls? i have a headache. i was using a permanent marker all morning.. stupid thing made my room smell.. can't open a window.. too cold. maybe i'll wear something nice/new tomorrow.. or maybe i won't till i weigh in and see whether i've lost any weight.. not like i've tried to lose any. i mean i've only gone on my sunday fast, worked out only saturday instead of friday/saturday/sunday.. and i ate friday AND saturday.. only purged twice.. once was real.. blah.
OH! i'd love some tea right now.. tea would be wonderful.. yah. 30cals of sugar though.. is it worth it? i don't know. maybe i'll just grab a hard candy. a cinamon one? or maybe i'll have two.. haha breakfast is the biggest meal of the day.
okay i fucking suck.
if you're not an ana.. and for whatever reason you're reading this.. THIS is what runs through the mind of an ana.. bwahaha.. oh my family is still asleep.
i'm so tired.
i feel like my boobs have shrunken.. please god i hope they haven't. that's like my dream - huge boobs and tiny waist.. ahh! just like my icon
it's 10 past six.. okay i really need to go.
muaha.
g'day sir.