being suck between a rock and a really hard place.
today was awful..
this morning like planned i had the soy/protein drink, only i used absolutly no milk and it tasted like CRAP, 150 cals of pure non-negative calorie CRAP. i'd rather not eat at all than have something that tastes like water/shit. blah. and my pill.
first period i rush to do my stupid fucking journals that my teacher didn't even look at, he's the only ass wipe that is STILL teaching during midterms, he's trying to squeeze in the last bit of info before our test on monday. can you get any lamer? i think not. we were going over some english lit poems and he's like "this isn't so hard" (you know, the way poets say simple stuff in complicated ways) and i say out loud "well why didn't they just SAY that?" and he says something about how i'd get it if i wasn't at a 2nd grade reading level. FUCK YOU! yeah cool.
i'm definitly skipping tomorrow morning, i'll go into school for second period instead of first.
then i had my ap language midterm like i said and i only answered one of the two essay questions - take it i think it was probably the best essay i've ever done, but even if i get a perfect grade (which is doubtful) i still only have a 42.5 - which is failing. none of this occured to me till this asshole who thinks he's my friend rubs it in my face about how he just doesn't understand why i didn't do the second question.. um.. why do you even care? it's definitely not YOUR failing grade, so fuck off?
then i had chem where i sat there and continued to study for my pre-calculus midterm.. my class pre-calc class is the ONLY class that was having two midterms today.. yeah becuase my teacher is way fucking cool. i studied all last night, studied during lunch, spanish class and chemistry.. and then decided i had done enough by the time i had anatomy .. only i began to feel SO stressed out. about everything!! THEN i got a paper cut! i get them all the time, i don't know why, but this time it blead and i told my teacher and she told me to "suffer and die" which normally - would have been funny, just the type of thing she'd say because she pretends to hate us all, but it really sent me over the edge! i almost began to cry! one of the girls in the class gave me a band aid - one with a clown on it which made me smile but still i felt like C R A P. like.. man i couldn't have felt any worse. by the end of the period i just began crying! i'm SOOOOOOO stressed out.
*next period i basically bombed the test, i forgot my graphing calculator so i asked my friend to borrow hers, only i don't know what was wrong with it because it wouldn't graph.. hah!!! i didn't ask my teacher becuase she's a bitch sometimes (most times) and if she were to say anything to me about it i would have begun to bawl.. i was teary eyed*
everyone thinks i'm going nuts because of school work.. that's not it! okay so that's part of it but i just feel like my body can't take it!
it's like a battle between knowing i need to feed my body and give it a rest from all the working out i do - and fear of eating and gaining weight and that if i stop working out i will gain weight, become FAT and hate myself even more than i do now!
it's a catch 22!
i feel like i'm not good enough, will never be good enough. will never be skinny enough, pretty enough, nice enough, caring enough, friendly enough, happy enough, smart enough.. anything. like i'm destined to try my hardest and still have to settle for second place. I DON'T WANT SECOND PLACE! i don't want to wear a size 2/4 or 3/4! i don't want to weigh between 110 and 115 pounds! i don't want a fucking 80 on a test!! i can't explain this to my friends, they won't understand. they think they understand but they don't. they will never understand unless they go through the same stuff.
:cry:
this morning like planned i had the soy/protein drink, only i used absolutly no milk and it tasted like CRAP, 150 cals of pure non-negative calorie CRAP. i'd rather not eat at all than have something that tastes like water/shit. blah. and my pill.
first period i rush to do my stupid fucking journals that my teacher didn't even look at, he's the only ass wipe that is STILL teaching during midterms, he's trying to squeeze in the last bit of info before our test on monday. can you get any lamer? i think not. we were going over some english lit poems and he's like "this isn't so hard" (you know, the way poets say simple stuff in complicated ways) and i say out loud "well why didn't they just SAY that?" and he says something about how i'd get it if i wasn't at a 2nd grade reading level. FUCK YOU! yeah cool.
i'm definitly skipping tomorrow morning, i'll go into school for second period instead of first.
then i had my ap language midterm like i said and i only answered one of the two essay questions - take it i think it was probably the best essay i've ever done, but even if i get a perfect grade (which is doubtful) i still only have a 42.5 - which is failing. none of this occured to me till this asshole who thinks he's my friend rubs it in my face about how he just doesn't understand why i didn't do the second question.. um.. why do you even care? it's definitely not YOUR failing grade, so fuck off?
then i had chem where i sat there and continued to study for my pre-calculus midterm.. my class pre-calc class is the ONLY class that was having two midterms today.. yeah becuase my teacher is way fucking cool. i studied all last night, studied during lunch, spanish class and chemistry.. and then decided i had done enough by the time i had anatomy .. only i began to feel SO stressed out. about everything!! THEN i got a paper cut! i get them all the time, i don't know why, but this time it blead and i told my teacher and she told me to "suffer and die" which normally - would have been funny, just the type of thing she'd say because she pretends to hate us all, but it really sent me over the edge! i almost began to cry! one of the girls in the class gave me a band aid - one with a clown on it which made me smile but still i felt like C R A P. like.. man i couldn't have felt any worse. by the end of the period i just began crying! i'm SOOOOOOO stressed out.
*next period i basically bombed the test, i forgot my graphing calculator so i asked my friend to borrow hers, only i don't know what was wrong with it because it wouldn't graph.. hah!!! i didn't ask my teacher becuase she's a bitch sometimes (most times) and if she were to say anything to me about it i would have begun to bawl.. i was teary eyed*
everyone thinks i'm going nuts because of school work.. that's not it! okay so that's part of it but i just feel like my body can't take it!
it's like a battle between knowing i need to feed my body and give it a rest from all the working out i do - and fear of eating and gaining weight and that if i stop working out i will gain weight, become FAT and hate myself even more than i do now!
it's a catch 22!
i feel like i'm not good enough, will never be good enough. will never be skinny enough, pretty enough, nice enough, caring enough, friendly enough, happy enough, smart enough.. anything. like i'm destined to try my hardest and still have to settle for second place. I DON'T WANT SECOND PLACE! i don't want to wear a size 2/4 or 3/4! i don't want to weigh between 110 and 115 pounds! i don't want a fucking 80 on a test!! i can't explain this to my friends, they won't understand. they think they understand but they don't. they will never understand unless they go through the same stuff.
:cry: