(no subject)
So, I've started to take stuff down in my dorm room since it's getting close to the end of school. Back in November, I stuck a whole bunch of foam sticker thingies around the doorways to add more color to it, so I figured I should get to work on getting them off because it's going to take a while. It made me realize how far away last November is.
This year has flown by or it has felt that way at least. It seems really weird to know that I'm basically done with my undergrad. It felt kind of depressing to know that last night was probably my last concert with the UMD wind ensemble. It's a bit depressing.
I'm excited for it too though. I guess I'm just really starting to feel older. At the start of this school year, I still identified myself as still practically being a teenager which probably sounds funny to some of you, but over the course of this year that's changed. I actually kind of feel like a twenty something.
It's weird in ways how somethings have changed over the year. Six months ago, I never thought I'd be spending my summer away in all these crazy and not quite so crazy places. I thought I was so set in my post-college plans as well. Now I don't really know what I want to come next. I just know I want to strike out on my own. Whether that be by finding a full time teaching job or by going to grad school somewhere a lot further away. I still don't feel like a complete adult, but I feel like I'm getting closer.
I've also been thinking about other things. Mostly how I really screwed up an important friendship. I thought it was a friendship that I would be better off without due to various reasons so in February I told this person I couldn't really deal with being there friend anymore. Things were already strained between us due to my various actions so it was no suprise that they didn't say anything in response to that. Sometimes I wonder if they were happy for it. Then at the end of March, I found out that Dennis died. And I barely had a grip on anything. I needed that person so incredibly much then. I wasn't sleeping and the whole world just didn't make any sense, and I just really needed them. It's stupid since I know that there are a whole bunch of other people in my life that I could turn to, but it was them I wanted. They were the person that I needed. I was dumb and I reached out to them. Sent them a whole facebook message talking about how I didn't have a grip on anything and they ignored me. It upsets me, but I don't blame them. Given everything that has happened I never believed for an instant that they would actually be there for me. It did make me realize though that I wanted to make amends. So I've been messaging them every few weeks just telling them basic things in my life. In the last one I told them at the end of it that if they don't want me to write to them then to just say it outright and I'll stop. They didn't respond so I don't know if they want me to write to them or not. Part of me even wonders if they bothered to read it in the first place. I hope that they did, but I've quickly realized in life how pointless hoping for something can be.
Thing is though and I doubt they realize it. All I want is there friendship now. I do care for them more than I should, but all I want is friendship. Things starting got really bad back when I said that dumb crap back in November (although I had already said dumb crap prior to that too). I've thought about things so much since back then. In many ways, I feel like by not having them around I've become a lot stronger. Despite the fact that I thought I needed him after Dennis, I managed to get through that on my own.
Ever since drum corps, I've been attempting at being stronger. My first big thing back then was my deciding on escaping the life that I wasn't happy in by deciding to live on campus. My next one was dumping a guy who I wasn't actually in love with and who honestly couldn't have really given two shits about me given how much he cheated on me and the fact that he didn't really know me at all despite having dated me for over three years. After that, it was actually being on tour and actually escaping everything. Then quitting McDonald's last year. I think my next big step is letting go over this person who has in many ways been a crutch over the past seven years. I liked the idea of the fact that there was someone out there who knew me so much about me (I told them more than I've ever told anybody else) and who I always thought would be there for me should I need them. There opinion always matter so much too. They called me childish at one point last summer and it irked me for months on end. I always wanted them to think well of me because I think in many ways I couldn't think all that well of myself if they didn't. I figured that for someone to know me so well and think poorly of me had to mean that there was some huge flaw in me that made me a terrible person. In many ways, I think that my struggle to make them like me was also a struggle to make me like myself.
I don't need that anymore. I'm still not entirely content with myself. I think all I can really do is keep trying to be the person I want to be though as opposed to being someone that I think they might like. Their opinion is no longer the end all.
That being said though. I do want to be there friend again. I've known them for so long that I just kind of miss them. Which I know that is stupid since I've gone long times without seeing them or speaking to them before, but I do miss them. They were always a fun person to be around. They may annoy me at times, but they were a genuinely good person. There are so many things that I could not have dealt with without them, and I don't think they realize that. So I want to be there friend again, but I've also decided to accept that they might never speak to me again. I just keep telling myself that in that case it's their loss not mine.
Anyways, I'm sorry if I've bored anyone with my musings. I'm just been kind of reflecting on things lately as I'm starting to leave behind my undergrad years.
So here's to the future- Ghana, Camp Morty, and whatever comes after!
This year has flown by or it has felt that way at least. It seems really weird to know that I'm basically done with my undergrad. It felt kind of depressing to know that last night was probably my last concert with the UMD wind ensemble. It's a bit depressing.
I'm excited for it too though. I guess I'm just really starting to feel older. At the start of this school year, I still identified myself as still practically being a teenager which probably sounds funny to some of you, but over the course of this year that's changed. I actually kind of feel like a twenty something.
It's weird in ways how somethings have changed over the year. Six months ago, I never thought I'd be spending my summer away in all these crazy and not quite so crazy places. I thought I was so set in my post-college plans as well. Now I don't really know what I want to come next. I just know I want to strike out on my own. Whether that be by finding a full time teaching job or by going to grad school somewhere a lot further away. I still don't feel like a complete adult, but I feel like I'm getting closer.
I've also been thinking about other things. Mostly how I really screwed up an important friendship. I thought it was a friendship that I would be better off without due to various reasons so in February I told this person I couldn't really deal with being there friend anymore. Things were already strained between us due to my various actions so it was no suprise that they didn't say anything in response to that. Sometimes I wonder if they were happy for it. Then at the end of March, I found out that Dennis died. And I barely had a grip on anything. I needed that person so incredibly much then. I wasn't sleeping and the whole world just didn't make any sense, and I just really needed them. It's stupid since I know that there are a whole bunch of other people in my life that I could turn to, but it was them I wanted. They were the person that I needed. I was dumb and I reached out to them. Sent them a whole facebook message talking about how I didn't have a grip on anything and they ignored me. It upsets me, but I don't blame them. Given everything that has happened I never believed for an instant that they would actually be there for me. It did make me realize though that I wanted to make amends. So I've been messaging them every few weeks just telling them basic things in my life. In the last one I told them at the end of it that if they don't want me to write to them then to just say it outright and I'll stop. They didn't respond so I don't know if they want me to write to them or not. Part of me even wonders if they bothered to read it in the first place. I hope that they did, but I've quickly realized in life how pointless hoping for something can be.
Thing is though and I doubt they realize it. All I want is there friendship now. I do care for them more than I should, but all I want is friendship. Things starting got really bad back when I said that dumb crap back in November (although I had already said dumb crap prior to that too). I've thought about things so much since back then. In many ways, I feel like by not having them around I've become a lot stronger. Despite the fact that I thought I needed him after Dennis, I managed to get through that on my own.
Ever since drum corps, I've been attempting at being stronger. My first big thing back then was my deciding on escaping the life that I wasn't happy in by deciding to live on campus. My next one was dumping a guy who I wasn't actually in love with and who honestly couldn't have really given two shits about me given how much he cheated on me and the fact that he didn't really know me at all despite having dated me for over three years. After that, it was actually being on tour and actually escaping everything. Then quitting McDonald's last year. I think my next big step is letting go over this person who has in many ways been a crutch over the past seven years. I liked the idea of the fact that there was someone out there who knew me so much about me (I told them more than I've ever told anybody else) and who I always thought would be there for me should I need them. There opinion always matter so much too. They called me childish at one point last summer and it irked me for months on end. I always wanted them to think well of me because I think in many ways I couldn't think all that well of myself if they didn't. I figured that for someone to know me so well and think poorly of me had to mean that there was some huge flaw in me that made me a terrible person. In many ways, I think that my struggle to make them like me was also a struggle to make me like myself.
I don't need that anymore. I'm still not entirely content with myself. I think all I can really do is keep trying to be the person I want to be though as opposed to being someone that I think they might like. Their opinion is no longer the end all.
That being said though. I do want to be there friend again. I've known them for so long that I just kind of miss them. Which I know that is stupid since I've gone long times without seeing them or speaking to them before, but I do miss them. They were always a fun person to be around. They may annoy me at times, but they were a genuinely good person. There are so many things that I could not have dealt with without them, and I don't think they realize that. So I want to be there friend again, but I've also decided to accept that they might never speak to me again. I just keep telling myself that in that case it's their loss not mine.
Anyways, I'm sorry if I've bored anyone with my musings. I'm just been kind of reflecting on things lately as I'm starting to leave behind my undergrad years.
So here's to the future- Ghana, Camp Morty, and whatever comes after!