*Don't You Tell Me To Deny, I've Done Wrong and I want to suffer for my sins*
I don't know how much more I can handle. I can't handle anything right now with my life. From what I've read today in people's journal's, i'm glad I dont have the friends I use to. Cause some of them can't grow up and move on from high school drama. Sometimes its good not having friends, because all girls are caddy and stuck up, in some way. That's why I always had more guy friends, like Nikolai, he's been one of my best friends since 7th grade, and here we are 7 years later, and still the closest of friends, I can talk to him like no other person. I do worry about him, he's in drug rehab, I wish he would just quit or at least learn something from there. He was never like that, I mean he was never into drugs so bad, and than he started taking them hard, and It scares me cause he's like part of my family. I don't want to end up at his funeral because of him doing drugs.
*You'll never touch -- these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown -- to you*
There's alot that has been going on in my life, that I havent even shared with Rob. He doesnt care anyways. I'm scared lately about alot of things, I'm afraid of moving on to anything good. Because every time something good comes into my life, something horrible happens. I hate driving my dad to work, becuz I see him walking in, and it scares me that, that could be the last time I see him. In a way I'm scared of death, but I've also had days I don't wish I was alive anymore. I wish I could start life all over again, I would have done alot of things differently. I know there's alot about me that I'm going to work on. I was so happy when I first met Rob, than shit went bad after awhile, I guess I wasnt full prepared for it, I never thought it would happen. So I tried everything, but I really couldnt full grasp it. And without knowing how to fully grasp something and not lose all of it, I lost it completely.
I seriously hate myself. And I hate the fact of my life right now. I hate that Rob won't be at all there for my feelings and how he's made me feel. I just wish I could do what Rob wants, but I can't cause its not at all what I want. and i'm going to sound selfish, but If thats not what I want he's not going to get my 100% that he wants from me to let go. And the only way it will happen, is if something horrible happens, and not to him, to me. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for everything, I'm sorry I cared so much. I'm sorry that no matter how much u lied and treated me like shit, I stuck in there. I'm sorry I loved you. I'm sorry I asked things from u once in a great while. I'm sorry that I drove out to see you all the time. I'm sorry I couldn't stay with you at your grandma's and wake u up for work. I'm sorry that your family hates me. I'm sorry I couldn't give you my 100% for everything as your girlfriend, or even after not being. I'm sorry for everything and I'm sorry that I lost you cause its not what we both wanted. and you know it!
*You'll never touch -- these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown -- to you*
There's alot that has been going on in my life, that I havent even shared with Rob. He doesnt care anyways. I'm scared lately about alot of things, I'm afraid of moving on to anything good. Because every time something good comes into my life, something horrible happens. I hate driving my dad to work, becuz I see him walking in, and it scares me that, that could be the last time I see him. In a way I'm scared of death, but I've also had days I don't wish I was alive anymore. I wish I could start life all over again, I would have done alot of things differently. I know there's alot about me that I'm going to work on. I was so happy when I first met Rob, than shit went bad after awhile, I guess I wasnt full prepared for it, I never thought it would happen. So I tried everything, but I really couldnt full grasp it. And without knowing how to fully grasp something and not lose all of it, I lost it completely.
I seriously hate myself. And I hate the fact of my life right now. I hate that Rob won't be at all there for my feelings and how he's made me feel. I just wish I could do what Rob wants, but I can't cause its not at all what I want. and i'm going to sound selfish, but If thats not what I want he's not going to get my 100% that he wants from me to let go. And the only way it will happen, is if something horrible happens, and not to him, to me. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for everything, I'm sorry I cared so much. I'm sorry that no matter how much u lied and treated me like shit, I stuck in there. I'm sorry I loved you. I'm sorry I asked things from u once in a great while. I'm sorry that I drove out to see you all the time. I'm sorry I couldn't stay with you at your grandma's and wake u up for work. I'm sorry that your family hates me. I'm sorry I couldn't give you my 100% for everything as your girlfriend, or even after not being. I'm sorry for everything and I'm sorry that I lost you cause its not what we both wanted. and you know it!