Imagine There's No Countries,It Isn't Hard To Do,Nothing To Kill Or Die For,No Religion Too
I dunno....everything seems to be changing, i cannot handle it very well. thats the fault right there. its changing to fast not slow enough, i dont like it. I guess I dont feel like growing up so fast, I wish I could stay young forever. Have fun and never deal with responsibilities. But when I take a good look at the real big picture, it scares me. College, professional jobs, moving out, marriage, kids it all scares me. I keep looking over my life, and its like I hold on to things, that should just be forgotten about. Today I was thinking of how life would take a sudden turn into a new chapter by going away to college in another state. Go somewhere where no one knew me, take the new changed me to a new challenge in life, a new chapter, a totally new beginning. To prove the fact, that everything i've ever held onto, I can easily let go, and start over, and let somethings move on with their lives. Now if it was only that easy, I would do. Would it be hard? yes very hard. but would it help me? yes help me grow up,mature,and become a stronger person than ive made myself into. Go out experience things i've never gotten to really see or realize. Just take the plunge into trying new things, not being scared of life and what it might bring for me. Going with the flow and enjoy life well your still alive, I want to go out and see whats out there, go outside the walls of where I always travel day to day and live my life, and see the joy that lives outside those barriers that surround my everyday life. I always have this reaccuring dream at night, that I leave being this girl unknown about life and whats out there behind these barriers surrounding my life. Being bland and pretty, and to seek more adventure. But when I come back, i'm mature and well understood on life,places, and people who live outside that old everyday schedule and same people. But because of my knowledge growth, its made me into this beautiful woman with more than what she started out with, and happy to know who she really is, what she wants with life, and not scared of one god damn thing the world brings unexpectedly. She stands there waiting and is ready to take the challenge of every new change that comes face to face with her. Now if I could only get myself to that point, I think I would be able to handle everything. But now, I just guess I must take step by step, and things will eventually come together.
You know hurts and I guess I never really admitted to it. The death of my sister Katherine. She died before I was born, but everytime since i've been little, I've often imagined what things were like when she was alive? how things would be now if she was alive? Why couldn't the doctors find what was wrong with her? But I look at her face, she looked just like me when she was little. And people think it might not hurt me as much cause I wasnt around like my older sisters and my parents were when she died. But it hurts me the most, not knowing who she was, being able to live and enjoy the time I spent with her, but mostly it hurts having to go every year at xmas time, sitting there watching my parents putting a wreath on her grave and seeing the hurt in there eyes, of loosing a daughter without ever knowing the reason to their daughters death and me not ever being able to know anything about her. It kills me inside, I know if I ever become a mother and that happened I would be devestated just as much as my mom was. But if katherine was still alive I'd thank her. Because it was because of her being sick that brought my parents together and got my dad to stop drinking and not be a drunk anymore. She brought most of the family back together, and it sucked that it had to happen by her getting sick. I think thats what i've learned the most, i have a family who holds grudges for very long periods, and because of it, our family's grown apart and never learned anything, except how to fail at life.
Sorry. Thinking spree big time tonight. Dunno why, but once im thinking about one thing, my mind goes crazy and i just go on thinking.
You know hurts and I guess I never really admitted to it. The death of my sister Katherine. She died before I was born, but everytime since i've been little, I've often imagined what things were like when she was alive? how things would be now if she was alive? Why couldn't the doctors find what was wrong with her? But I look at her face, she looked just like me when she was little. And people think it might not hurt me as much cause I wasnt around like my older sisters and my parents were when she died. But it hurts me the most, not knowing who she was, being able to live and enjoy the time I spent with her, but mostly it hurts having to go every year at xmas time, sitting there watching my parents putting a wreath on her grave and seeing the hurt in there eyes, of loosing a daughter without ever knowing the reason to their daughters death and me not ever being able to know anything about her. It kills me inside, I know if I ever become a mother and that happened I would be devestated just as much as my mom was. But if katherine was still alive I'd thank her. Because it was because of her being sick that brought my parents together and got my dad to stop drinking and not be a drunk anymore. She brought most of the family back together, and it sucked that it had to happen by her getting sick. I think thats what i've learned the most, i have a family who holds grudges for very long periods, and because of it, our family's grown apart and never learned anything, except how to fail at life.
Sorry. Thinking spree big time tonight. Dunno why, but once im thinking about one thing, my mind goes crazy and i just go on thinking.