Nostalgia -
1. a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time.
2. a bittersweet longing for things, persons, or situations of the past.
I am really getting worn down by everything.
First on the list, college. School is starting to get a bit stressful; midterms to study for, papers to write, finals are also creeping up slowly, and major stuff to worry about. Lately, I have not been caring about my classes as much I should be, and certainly have not been trying NEARLY as hard as I could be. What really opened my eyes to that fact was when I saw my grade so far in PSY 7 and my rank compared to the other kids in the class. There was a time, a long time ago, when I used to get excited about school and to learn. I know that sounds very nerdy, but it's true. I'd always try so hard to do better than everyone else and be at the top of my classes, and even if I didn't end up at the top, I'd still be happy that I tried my best. It didn't only apply to school either, it was my mentality for everything I do. However, somewhere along the line, I lost that way of thinking. Now, it's like, "Hmmm, what is the minimum I need to get by with the least effort." I hate it. I really do. The results definitely show how little effort I put in. I really need to get back to the mentality I had before and try my best at anything I do. I hate being in the back trying to get by, I want to excel at what I do, even if I don't particularly like what I am doing that much. So, from now on, I will try my best to succeed in things I do that actually matters. And it doesn't really help to just say it... I gotta get up and do it. If someone is actually reading this right now, take me up on it and see if I am keeping my word like I should.
Second on the list, girl situation. I am getting tired of giving so much of my heart to have the one person I want and not get the same in return. It's been wearing me down slowly, and it's starting to take affect. In the past 5 or so months, I have been handed a few opportunities to be with a couple of different people. But what did I do? I threw them all away. Why? Because there is only one girl that truly had my heart. Unfortunately, I do not have hers. But she was definitely worth fighting for. So ever since I have been back in Santa Barbara, for 5-6 months, I have been trying to win her heart. I have taken good care of her, when she was well and when she was ill. That has not changed though, I have always done that. I'm always there for her when she needs anything. I have done everything from A-Z. I have given her the world. There is nothing I would not do. But guess what... she still does not want it. Why? I have no idea. She keeps saying, "be patient," or "it will happen," but she still goes on the same as before and does not change anything. I realize that I can't force her to feel a certain way, but I just thought I could try to make her lean towards my direction... but I don't think that's gonna work. It hasn't been working at all. And even if I was making any kind of progress, it does not show AT ALL because nothing is different. I've even tried to be just friends and not feel anything, but it hasn't worked because I fall back in again. I guess I really didn't try hard enough to do that. But I am at the point right now where I am ready to give up on it because I'm slowly starting to realize that she's not gonna come back around. I guess she will just have to wait until I am gone in order for her to realize what I really mean to her.
It's like you've fallen in a deep hole she dug, and you can see the light above, so you try to climb up and get back to the top. A couple of people pass by and offer you their hand, but you refuse because you think you're almost there. But just when you think you're almost out, gravity pulls you back down. And every time you fall back down, the hole gets deeper. Meanwhile, at the top, the person who dug the hole is standing over you telling you to be patient and keep waiting, and she will lend you her hand when she's ready to, but she is not quite ready yet because she says that her hands are full of gold. So you believe her and you wait for a while, but you notice that she really isn't doing anything at all to free up her hands. So you continue to try everything to get on top and escape this dark hole. You try and you try, and you try, but no such luck. So, your situation now is that she is the only one that can get you out of the hole the best, but she says she is holding gold in her hands, so why would she want to put that aside for you? But at some point, you will have to realize two things. First thing is that she who dug the hole, the one that can get you out the best, probably will not free up her hands to help you anytime soon because she BELIEVES that she is holding gold, when in reality what she is actually holding in her hands, are a couple of meaningless pebbles. Even after you tell her that she needs to get rid of those pebbles because they are lifeless and they won't make her happy, and that what she sees is actually an illusion, she still tries to justify herself. She may want to help you get out, but at the same time, she does not want to get rid of the illusion. There is really no way of convincing her that they are actually just a couple of pebbles, she has to realize that on her own. The second thing that you must realize is that she is not the only way out. Another way out is to accept one of the kind hands that a passerby offers you. And then when you are out and walking away with the passerby who lent you her hands, she, the one who did not give you her hands, will snap out of her illusion and realize that the gold she was holding really were just rocks and that she had so many chances to throw them away to save you. After all, you are the one who knows her best, takes care of her the best, and can really make her happy, but she was stuck in her illusion and did not know what she wanted, when what she really needed was right in front of her eyes and has been knocking on the gate to her heart all along. One day she will finally realize it, but when that day comes, it might be a little too late. All you can really do is hope she figures it out before it's too late.
2. a bittersweet longing for things, persons, or situations of the past.
I am really getting worn down by everything.
First on the list, college. School is starting to get a bit stressful; midterms to study for, papers to write, finals are also creeping up slowly, and major stuff to worry about. Lately, I have not been caring about my classes as much I should be, and certainly have not been trying NEARLY as hard as I could be. What really opened my eyes to that fact was when I saw my grade so far in PSY 7 and my rank compared to the other kids in the class. There was a time, a long time ago, when I used to get excited about school and to learn. I know that sounds very nerdy, but it's true. I'd always try so hard to do better than everyone else and be at the top of my classes, and even if I didn't end up at the top, I'd still be happy that I tried my best. It didn't only apply to school either, it was my mentality for everything I do. However, somewhere along the line, I lost that way of thinking. Now, it's like, "Hmmm, what is the minimum I need to get by with the least effort." I hate it. I really do. The results definitely show how little effort I put in. I really need to get back to the mentality I had before and try my best at anything I do. I hate being in the back trying to get by, I want to excel at what I do, even if I don't particularly like what I am doing that much. So, from now on, I will try my best to succeed in things I do that actually matters. And it doesn't really help to just say it... I gotta get up and do it. If someone is actually reading this right now, take me up on it and see if I am keeping my word like I should.
Second on the list, girl situation. I am getting tired of giving so much of my heart to have the one person I want and not get the same in return. It's been wearing me down slowly, and it's starting to take affect. In the past 5 or so months, I have been handed a few opportunities to be with a couple of different people. But what did I do? I threw them all away. Why? Because there is only one girl that truly had my heart. Unfortunately, I do not have hers. But she was definitely worth fighting for. So ever since I have been back in Santa Barbara, for 5-6 months, I have been trying to win her heart. I have taken good care of her, when she was well and when she was ill. That has not changed though, I have always done that. I'm always there for her when she needs anything. I have done everything from A-Z. I have given her the world. There is nothing I would not do. But guess what... she still does not want it. Why? I have no idea. She keeps saying, "be patient," or "it will happen," but she still goes on the same as before and does not change anything. I realize that I can't force her to feel a certain way, but I just thought I could try to make her lean towards my direction... but I don't think that's gonna work. It hasn't been working at all. And even if I was making any kind of progress, it does not show AT ALL because nothing is different. I've even tried to be just friends and not feel anything, but it hasn't worked because I fall back in again. I guess I really didn't try hard enough to do that. But I am at the point right now where I am ready to give up on it because I'm slowly starting to realize that she's not gonna come back around. I guess she will just have to wait until I am gone in order for her to realize what I really mean to her.
It's like you've fallen in a deep hole she dug, and you can see the light above, so you try to climb up and get back to the top. A couple of people pass by and offer you their hand, but you refuse because you think you're almost there. But just when you think you're almost out, gravity pulls you back down. And every time you fall back down, the hole gets deeper. Meanwhile, at the top, the person who dug the hole is standing over you telling you to be patient and keep waiting, and she will lend you her hand when she's ready to, but she is not quite ready yet because she says that her hands are full of gold. So you believe her and you wait for a while, but you notice that she really isn't doing anything at all to free up her hands. So you continue to try everything to get on top and escape this dark hole. You try and you try, and you try, but no such luck. So, your situation now is that she is the only one that can get you out of the hole the best, but she says she is holding gold in her hands, so why would she want to put that aside for you? But at some point, you will have to realize two things. First thing is that she who dug the hole, the one that can get you out the best, probably will not free up her hands to help you anytime soon because she BELIEVES that she is holding gold, when in reality what she is actually holding in her hands, are a couple of meaningless pebbles. Even after you tell her that she needs to get rid of those pebbles because they are lifeless and they won't make her happy, and that what she sees is actually an illusion, she still tries to justify herself. She may want to help you get out, but at the same time, she does not want to get rid of the illusion. There is really no way of convincing her that they are actually just a couple of pebbles, she has to realize that on her own. The second thing that you must realize is that she is not the only way out. Another way out is to accept one of the kind hands that a passerby offers you. And then when you are out and walking away with the passerby who lent you her hands, she, the one who did not give you her hands, will snap out of her illusion and realize that the gold she was holding really were just rocks and that she had so many chances to throw them away to save you. After all, you are the one who knows her best, takes care of her the best, and can really make her happy, but she was stuck in her illusion and did not know what she wanted, when what she really needed was right in front of her eyes and has been knocking on the gate to her heart all along. One day she will finally realize it, but when that day comes, it might be a little too late. All you can really do is hope she figures it out before it's too late.