In A Trapped Trip I Can't Grip, Never Thought I'd Be The One Who'd Slip
It seems to be another one of those nights where I don’t sleep and therefore piss off my mother. So, once again, I’m downstairs in the wee hours of the morning. Oh, look, here she is. She’s telling me I have anger issues and I can’t have sleepovers anymore. What the hell? It’s not because I’m angry or overtired. Though I am feeling angry now. Apparently my insomnia means I’m immature, according to her. She’s lucky I have headphones on and a pencil in my hand or I’d blow up. Now she’s basically saying I’m a selfish bitch with low self esteem and an attention whore, just using nicer language. I do not appreciate this at one in the morning. I’d like to be left alone, thanks.
Anyway, ignoring her... the real reason I’m up is because I was crying. (By the way, she now says I’m “disrespectful to my soul”. Oh, please.) I was starting to feel better when I came down with music, but now this- she’s just claimed she’s staying up too because I am. She’s gone to the other room, though, thank goodness. She just asked me if a) me and Chris had broken up b) if I’d been drinking caffeine or c) if I was on drugs.
Not even close. Real reason? I stayed up late reading this wonderful book- Keeping You A Secret by Julie Anne Peters. (She’s now one of my favorite authors from this and her other book, Luna. I’m going to try and convince my dad to buy me her other three- Define “Normal”, Far From Xanadu and Between Mom and Jo. She has this amazing style of writing totally controversial- lesbians and transgender seem to be her focus, she’s gay herself and has been with the girl she fell in love with for about 30 years, cue awwing- and she writes it well, too. Captivating. The sort of book you can’t put down. And you’ll read it ten times over in a week. Or maybe that’s just because my memory sucks.) It’s about a girl who has the perfect life- good grades, popular friends, hot boyfriend- and then she meets a girl. And falls in love. And realizes she’s gay. I know it doesn’t totally relate to me, but it still touched me. Or rather, pushed me.
We’re getting really personal here, something I normally wouldn’t dream of writing for anyone to read, but since you’re all my friends... I’ll stop being such a Scorpio for once and spill. People think I’m so comfortable with being bi. I’m essentially out and proud. But what they don’t see is... it’s a cover-up. I seem so at ease but I’m so scared one of these days I’ll come across someone who won’t accept it. I’ve been lucky so far. All my friends have been cool. There’s just that split second of cold terror when you tell someone and you feel their eyes shift in surprise. The part that really got to me was when she came out to her parents. They kicked her out of the house. Called her a pervert. And it made me wonder. How would/will (as I’ll have to tell them someday) my parents react? They always said they’d love me no matter what. Not that they suspect... at least I don’t think. Sidetracking for a minute...
I think I’ve always known. Sure, I didn’t admit it to myself until this year but I remember wondering as young as four years old... I actually have this really vivid memory of asking the little girl next door (I think I was five or six, she was a year younger) if she liked girls. And I do remember kissing her and then telling her not to tell her mother because I guess I knew it wasn’t something I should have been doing. Of course, the little snitch did tell her mother. But that can be blown off as childish curiosity. It followed me, though. I remember thinking about it all through grade six. I was young, naive, I didn’t even know there was such thing as bisexuality. I know for a while I considered myself a lesbian who liked boys, too. Thank goodness I figured it out. Though I have sort of decided I don’t believe in sexuality. I mean, if you meet the love of your life, gender won’t matter. That’s the way I see it. You can only look at girls and then meet the perfect guy, or vice versa. Or only be attracted to guys and then meet the perfect girl, like in Keeping You A Secret. I guess I just believe in love.
Well, that’s enough memory tripping. Back to my parents. It’s not my dad’s reaction I’m worried about. It’s my mom. (Ah, it’s always my mom.) She’s not comfortable talking about the gay guys at my dad’s work, who he loves, by the way. And she had a discussion with my aunt once about how lesbians made her uncomfortable- the whole “they’ll want to be with me” thing. Newsflash, Mom. Never going to happen. I HATE how people think that. And it’s harder being bi. How can you explain it? It makes you sound confused/unsure. And I’m not. I know who/what I am. And I really am proud. I’m just afraid they won’t be.
The rest of today (well, yesterday) was okay. Chris was over but the parents (actually, mostly Mom) wouldn’t leave us alone. (She kept trying to treat it like a play date- “do you want to watch a movie?” Mom, we wouldn’t be watching the movie. “Do you want to go play black light mini golf?” Mom, you put us in the dark together...) Finally Toni came over and they took us out for pizza. I was a bit annoyed. I am literally never alone with Chris. And Mom wouldn’t stop talking to him. About school, family, future plans. He made an excellent impression, I’ll admit. They loved him. But I didn’t get to kiss him once because they were watching constantly and, well, I was jealous! I don’t care how childish it sounds- he’s mine and I wanted his attention. I did get some later in the car when I brought out the handcuffs I’d gotten from the dollar store. Real metal! He just looked at me and asked, “Should I be scared?” (Ooh, and I got him his birthday present! A horoscope book. I love that he’s into that!)
I think I might go to bed now. I’m going to be so dead tomorrow. I won’t be surprised if I burst into tears at lunch or something. Damn, breakdowns on Tuesdays are so inconvenient... especially on a double math day. And I can’t skip. I’m, at 16 in math and science. That’s the limit. No idea how many in music, probably 8 or so. I just want to blow off the day tomorrow... and just hide at the river. It’s probably going to be cold, though. I’ll check the weather channel. Great! Thundershowers. Normally I’d be in love but not when I want to be outside. I’ll probably end up going just because I’m too depressed not to, if that makes any sense. But I might miss math in the afternoon. Or music in the morning. Some class where I can talk to Toni/Chris.
I need sleep. Now. I’m not even making sense to myself. I’m just going to go with the flow. Because I feel pretty much like a dead fish.
(By the way, I'm aware my updating is sparatic and pathetic lately. I'm going to fill in the gaps eventually. I have been writing. In a paper journal for some reason. How odd of me. Huh, I really haven't been myself lately.)
Anyway, ignoring her... the real reason I’m up is because I was crying. (By the way, she now says I’m “disrespectful to my soul”. Oh, please.) I was starting to feel better when I came down with music, but now this- she’s just claimed she’s staying up too because I am. She’s gone to the other room, though, thank goodness. She just asked me if a) me and Chris had broken up b) if I’d been drinking caffeine or c) if I was on drugs.
Not even close. Real reason? I stayed up late reading this wonderful book- Keeping You A Secret by Julie Anne Peters. (She’s now one of my favorite authors from this and her other book, Luna. I’m going to try and convince my dad to buy me her other three- Define “Normal”, Far From Xanadu and Between Mom and Jo. She has this amazing style of writing totally controversial- lesbians and transgender seem to be her focus, she’s gay herself and has been with the girl she fell in love with for about 30 years, cue awwing- and she writes it well, too. Captivating. The sort of book you can’t put down. And you’ll read it ten times over in a week. Or maybe that’s just because my memory sucks.) It’s about a girl who has the perfect life- good grades, popular friends, hot boyfriend- and then she meets a girl. And falls in love. And realizes she’s gay. I know it doesn’t totally relate to me, but it still touched me. Or rather, pushed me.
We’re getting really personal here, something I normally wouldn’t dream of writing for anyone to read, but since you’re all my friends... I’ll stop being such a Scorpio for once and spill. People think I’m so comfortable with being bi. I’m essentially out and proud. But what they don’t see is... it’s a cover-up. I seem so at ease but I’m so scared one of these days I’ll come across someone who won’t accept it. I’ve been lucky so far. All my friends have been cool. There’s just that split second of cold terror when you tell someone and you feel their eyes shift in surprise. The part that really got to me was when she came out to her parents. They kicked her out of the house. Called her a pervert. And it made me wonder. How would/will (as I’ll have to tell them someday) my parents react? They always said they’d love me no matter what. Not that they suspect... at least I don’t think. Sidetracking for a minute...
I think I’ve always known. Sure, I didn’t admit it to myself until this year but I remember wondering as young as four years old... I actually have this really vivid memory of asking the little girl next door (I think I was five or six, she was a year younger) if she liked girls. And I do remember kissing her and then telling her not to tell her mother because I guess I knew it wasn’t something I should have been doing. Of course, the little snitch did tell her mother. But that can be blown off as childish curiosity. It followed me, though. I remember thinking about it all through grade six. I was young, naive, I didn’t even know there was such thing as bisexuality. I know for a while I considered myself a lesbian who liked boys, too. Thank goodness I figured it out. Though I have sort of decided I don’t believe in sexuality. I mean, if you meet the love of your life, gender won’t matter. That’s the way I see it. You can only look at girls and then meet the perfect guy, or vice versa. Or only be attracted to guys and then meet the perfect girl, like in Keeping You A Secret. I guess I just believe in love.
Well, that’s enough memory tripping. Back to my parents. It’s not my dad’s reaction I’m worried about. It’s my mom. (Ah, it’s always my mom.) She’s not comfortable talking about the gay guys at my dad’s work, who he loves, by the way. And she had a discussion with my aunt once about how lesbians made her uncomfortable- the whole “they’ll want to be with me” thing. Newsflash, Mom. Never going to happen. I HATE how people think that. And it’s harder being bi. How can you explain it? It makes you sound confused/unsure. And I’m not. I know who/what I am. And I really am proud. I’m just afraid they won’t be.
The rest of today (well, yesterday) was okay. Chris was over but the parents (actually, mostly Mom) wouldn’t leave us alone. (She kept trying to treat it like a play date- “do you want to watch a movie?” Mom, we wouldn’t be watching the movie. “Do you want to go play black light mini golf?” Mom, you put us in the dark together...) Finally Toni came over and they took us out for pizza. I was a bit annoyed. I am literally never alone with Chris. And Mom wouldn’t stop talking to him. About school, family, future plans. He made an excellent impression, I’ll admit. They loved him. But I didn’t get to kiss him once because they were watching constantly and, well, I was jealous! I don’t care how childish it sounds- he’s mine and I wanted his attention. I did get some later in the car when I brought out the handcuffs I’d gotten from the dollar store. Real metal! He just looked at me and asked, “Should I be scared?” (Ooh, and I got him his birthday present! A horoscope book. I love that he’s into that!)
I think I might go to bed now. I’m going to be so dead tomorrow. I won’t be surprised if I burst into tears at lunch or something. Damn, breakdowns on Tuesdays are so inconvenient... especially on a double math day. And I can’t skip. I’m, at 16 in math and science. That’s the limit. No idea how many in music, probably 8 or so. I just want to blow off the day tomorrow... and just hide at the river. It’s probably going to be cold, though. I’ll check the weather channel. Great! Thundershowers. Normally I’d be in love but not when I want to be outside. I’ll probably end up going just because I’m too depressed not to, if that makes any sense. But I might miss math in the afternoon. Or music in the morning. Some class where I can talk to Toni/Chris.
I need sleep. Now. I’m not even making sense to myself. I’m just going to go with the flow. Because I feel pretty much like a dead fish.
(By the way, I'm aware my updating is sparatic and pathetic lately. I'm going to fill in the gaps eventually. I have been writing. In a paper journal for some reason. How odd of me. Huh, I really haven't been myself lately.)