And I Do Believe It's True, That There Are Roads Left In Both Of Our Shoes
Turbulent? Like hell.
We broke up already. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't expecting this to be easy, but I did not see that coming… it didn't even last 24 hours. Twenty three.
I should have noticed something was up when he was near silent on the walk home. He's quiet, he's moody- I told myself I was just being paranoid. But when he still wasn't talking when we were alone, that should have been a red flag. And when he pulled me to him and just held me there for a good ten minutes sighing and holding me as tight as he could- he's not like that, I really should have realized. And maybe I did. Who knows. When he said, "This feels so good, but it just doesn't feel right…"
I know for sure it isn't me here. I'd like to blame it on myself, but I can't. It's him, it's all him, and I know that. He's protecting me from himself. I know he's screwed up. I'm pretty sure he's depressed and I know he's had brushes with suicide. He's told me straight up the only reason he's still around is because he couldn't leave the scars with other people.
I guess what he doesn't get, and what I should have told him but couldn't, is that I'm used to stuff like that. It's not a big deal with me. I can deal, I've had experience. I don't look it, but I really know what I'm doing when it comes to stuff like that. I look young, I look innocent, but I can take care of myself. And he's hurting me more by trying to protect me.
What I'm not used to is the way this is going, though… I'm calm. I'm naturally upset, but mostly because he doesn't seem to think he's worth it. And… well, he is. A boy that holds my hand while he talks about this- and takes the time to explain every single fragment of thought going through his head (a lot of it I simply can't repeat out of respect- more I can't explain because only I'd understand) and hugs me after we've broken up… and tells me he will do anything to save this friendship, and says he's sorry like he means it… and makes it clear that this is mostly about the horrible timing and that maybe later- my response to that was an impatient, "How much later?" which made him smile.
I shouldn't have jumped into this so soon, and I knew that. He did, too. I actually asked him, "You weren't sure about this from the start, were you?" I knew he wasn't. I wasn't. I am sure that I care about him more than I've cared about anyone in a long time, but I just don't know if I can manage a relationship on that level.
But… hell, who am I kidding. It felt right. Granted, it probably isn't/wasn't right, but it did feel right. And he can't pretend it didn't. Good? Try perfect. He's lying to himself. He's not even lying to me and that's why I'm not the slightest bit mad at him. Disappointed. Wistful. Worried.
Really worried, actually. The more I talk to him, the harder I look into those pretty eyes- the more I realize that there's something wrong. He's had bad relationships, I know the details from Alex. (Think cheating, and add cheating with a good friend.) But I can't help thinking there's something more. A sixteen year old boy who, point blank, told me he had no inclination of going to university and was pretty sure he had no future. He's sixteen- he has his whole life ahead of him! Something's not right. I can't put my finger on it, but I know there's more he isn't telling me and I just can't tell from those eyes. I'm pretty sure he's pushing me away out of fear. It's not that he doesn't like me. I refuse to believe that. It's… something else. I guess that's why I'm not overly upset. Of course I am a bit, but mostly I'm just worried sick about him. He needs someone. Something. There really is something that has my protection mode in overdrive.
I'll figure it out tomorrow. He won't be around, he's going to Ryan's funeral. I'll be at the school musical in the afternoon… just math and music to get through. Music will be hard… all his friends. Who are my friends, too. And how can I explain? I can't. I don't really want to. I didn't even go as far to tell Toni all this. It was too hard to get out in words. It's something only me and him understand. And he knows I get it. I know he feels awful for hurting me. He took it harder than I did- I mean, I was comforting him, telling him not to be so hard on himself.
I wish I could tell him I don’t care how messed up he is, that I'm not as collected as I seem. But on the other hand… can I deal with a guy I simply don't understand half the time? He's probably the moodiest person I have ever met. I can hardly ever tell what he's thinking. He'll tell me if I ask, but I'm used to just being able to look someone in the eye and tell. He hides. But could I really deal with someone who I'm constantly unsure of?
Yes. For him, I could.
As usual, I'm just going to have to see how things go. If we end up back together (and I can honestly say I have no idea as to the chances) then I'll take it one day at a time. If we stay just friends, I'll find it hard, but I've buried feelings before. And if our friendship is ruined? Well, then I'm going to have a problem. Because I cannot lose him. Justin, Freddy- they were expendable. But Chris? No. He's different. Very different.
And that's why I have no clue what to do. Good thing I'm becoming very used to not sleeping.
We broke up already. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't expecting this to be easy, but I did not see that coming… it didn't even last 24 hours. Twenty three.
I should have noticed something was up when he was near silent on the walk home. He's quiet, he's moody- I told myself I was just being paranoid. But when he still wasn't talking when we were alone, that should have been a red flag. And when he pulled me to him and just held me there for a good ten minutes sighing and holding me as tight as he could- he's not like that, I really should have realized. And maybe I did. Who knows. When he said, "This feels so good, but it just doesn't feel right…"
I know for sure it isn't me here. I'd like to blame it on myself, but I can't. It's him, it's all him, and I know that. He's protecting me from himself. I know he's screwed up. I'm pretty sure he's depressed and I know he's had brushes with suicide. He's told me straight up the only reason he's still around is because he couldn't leave the scars with other people.
I guess what he doesn't get, and what I should have told him but couldn't, is that I'm used to stuff like that. It's not a big deal with me. I can deal, I've had experience. I don't look it, but I really know what I'm doing when it comes to stuff like that. I look young, I look innocent, but I can take care of myself. And he's hurting me more by trying to protect me.
What I'm not used to is the way this is going, though… I'm calm. I'm naturally upset, but mostly because he doesn't seem to think he's worth it. And… well, he is. A boy that holds my hand while he talks about this- and takes the time to explain every single fragment of thought going through his head (a lot of it I simply can't repeat out of respect- more I can't explain because only I'd understand) and hugs me after we've broken up… and tells me he will do anything to save this friendship, and says he's sorry like he means it… and makes it clear that this is mostly about the horrible timing and that maybe later- my response to that was an impatient, "How much later?" which made him smile.
I shouldn't have jumped into this so soon, and I knew that. He did, too. I actually asked him, "You weren't sure about this from the start, were you?" I knew he wasn't. I wasn't. I am sure that I care about him more than I've cared about anyone in a long time, but I just don't know if I can manage a relationship on that level.
But… hell, who am I kidding. It felt right. Granted, it probably isn't/wasn't right, but it did feel right. And he can't pretend it didn't. Good? Try perfect. He's lying to himself. He's not even lying to me and that's why I'm not the slightest bit mad at him. Disappointed. Wistful. Worried.
Really worried, actually. The more I talk to him, the harder I look into those pretty eyes- the more I realize that there's something wrong. He's had bad relationships, I know the details from Alex. (Think cheating, and add cheating with a good friend.) But I can't help thinking there's something more. A sixteen year old boy who, point blank, told me he had no inclination of going to university and was pretty sure he had no future. He's sixteen- he has his whole life ahead of him! Something's not right. I can't put my finger on it, but I know there's more he isn't telling me and I just can't tell from those eyes. I'm pretty sure he's pushing me away out of fear. It's not that he doesn't like me. I refuse to believe that. It's… something else. I guess that's why I'm not overly upset. Of course I am a bit, but mostly I'm just worried sick about him. He needs someone. Something. There really is something that has my protection mode in overdrive.
I'll figure it out tomorrow. He won't be around, he's going to Ryan's funeral. I'll be at the school musical in the afternoon… just math and music to get through. Music will be hard… all his friends. Who are my friends, too. And how can I explain? I can't. I don't really want to. I didn't even go as far to tell Toni all this. It was too hard to get out in words. It's something only me and him understand. And he knows I get it. I know he feels awful for hurting me. He took it harder than I did- I mean, I was comforting him, telling him not to be so hard on himself.
I wish I could tell him I don’t care how messed up he is, that I'm not as collected as I seem. But on the other hand… can I deal with a guy I simply don't understand half the time? He's probably the moodiest person I have ever met. I can hardly ever tell what he's thinking. He'll tell me if I ask, but I'm used to just being able to look someone in the eye and tell. He hides. But could I really deal with someone who I'm constantly unsure of?
Yes. For him, I could.
As usual, I'm just going to have to see how things go. If we end up back together (and I can honestly say I have no idea as to the chances) then I'll take it one day at a time. If we stay just friends, I'll find it hard, but I've buried feelings before. And if our friendship is ruined? Well, then I'm going to have a problem. Because I cannot lose him. Justin, Freddy- they were expendable. But Chris? No. He's different. Very different.
And that's why I have no clue what to do. Good thing I'm becoming very used to not sleeping.