have you ever wanted to disappear?
being a teenager sucks hardcore. there are so many ups and down and everything feels like the end of the world and like a goddamn episode of THEOC or something.
and when you act upset or any other bad feeling you get the fucking emo and overdramatic label. and if you act out ["bad behavior" when really its just a case of being upset but showing it in anger, now rage is a different story that links with like impulsiveness, and wtf this doesnt make sense.]
if you act out you're like a mental case or something and i have officially lost track of what i originally wanted to say.
point is being a teenager sucks and yet is like amazing cause you're just starting to live your life. living life as your own person or at least beginning to discover who the fuck it is that looks back at you when you glance at the mirror. [who are you stranger?]
but it's all about perspective right? you feel depressed you're view of the world is different compared to someone who is optimistic.duh.
i swear that book, the secret, seriously fucked with my head in a good way though. funny cause i remember two years ago looking at that book and thinking WHAT A LOAD OF BULLSHIT.
it's nice to be proven wrong, or at least its nice to look past your first judgement.
so here's a question that i've just thought of. [LJ CUT BIATCH!]
You don't just lose people to death.
fuck no of course you don't but what happens when it isn't obvious that you have totally lost what it is to be someones friend or boyfriend[girlfriend] or relative?
even worse what happens when that person you've lost is yourself?
let me tell you something first.
i met my best friend in sixth grade, we were like physically attached or something up until........
actually i'm not even sure when it stopped i can't really pinpoint an exact time but i guess it was gradual, the break of friendship i mean.
but i mean there are certain things you don't ever forget, certain memories that in a way must hold something really important or just are really important for you to remember them so vividly after so long.
in seventh grade i remember talking to her and we were having one of those really deep conversation [at like what 12?] about life and what it means, about people religion all that good shit. [ha. good.] but i don't really remember how we ended up talking about me or us as friends but i do remember this:
"You've changed, you snapped i don't know why but you're so cold, heartless you never call me i always have to call you. It's like you don't even care about me."
that probably killed me a little inside. honestly it was a shock in the fact that before that i would get the opposite. in a weird way when she told me that, i feel like that was when i "snapped". in reality i think i just grew up.
since then i've alway thought of myself as that person who can be a little bit too mean or too monotone, i've thought of myself as cold. and maybe it's true. whatever i'll find out with time. But well i remember her saying that pretty vividly the rest is a blur, i think i said i was sorry or something and that i didn't know why i changed. In a way i was happy that she knew me well enough that she noticed when i wasn't "being myself". did you notice the past tense?
now personally i think i never changed but maybe something was different about me, but she thought of it as change anyway. but CHANGE and SOMETHING DIFFERENT are not the same thing and wont ever be, at least in my opinion and it would take too long [maybe another post] to explain that. I've noticed that. she doesn't do so well with change or at least she doesn't like change, she likes things to stay the same and as of lately she doesn't want to grow up, prefers to live in the past where it was just playing in the park and scraping enough money for ice-cream maybe even a movie ad running around not worrying about high-school or college cause it was so far away.
anyway like i said when she told me that i guess i did snap and well everything kinda spiraled down from there. my life from seventh to like the very very beginning of high-school i just kinda lived through the motions. i wasn't depressed, just a little lost. i kinda lost who i was and like what my life meant and i kept it all inside. THAT is probably what made that time feel so empty. because i didn't know how to express it, i didn't know how to let it out. keeping shit that hurts inside is probably the worst thing you can do because then it just sits there in your chest and festers grows stronger more painful until the world is washed out and gray and all you feel is cold. and since we were only like 13, i dont think she could have really helped me out or anything because honestly she had problems of her own. That may be why i never asked for her to just listen to me or never bothered to unload her with my stupid and pathetic insecurities and feelings of being lost [in translation.] and yes to this day i think what i went through was so stupid and typical of any kid so i don't find anything special in my case so thats that. i totally see the irony in the situation. [do you or am i making shit up again?]
besides i got enough journals of the pathetic angst so im not about to go into a fucking tirade of "the woes of my 13 year old self being lost in her own life and its meaning"
she had family problems that were serious, i had to hold her up. at least that what it felt like and i was okay with that because THAT WHAT BEST FRIENDS ARE FOR.
im going off track again.
so because this is funny but in the beginning of ninth grade i found MCR, they saved my life and i grew up again and past the whole teen angst thing, lol at least i got past the teen angst within/towards myself.
the world wasn't grey anymore [lmao i'm such a sucker for like that fucking weird meaningful yet not way of writing/ or talking. you know, who the fuck do i think i am like petewentz or something? god wouldn't that be interesting?]
so of course it was her turn to lose herself i guess. that's honestly the best way i can put. she lost herself and it wasnt pretty. i have a feeling it was my fault or at least i instigated it or something. but thats to many details and stuff to explain but as she "snapped" [quoting back to that seventh grade convo. as always.] i guess that was when we began to grow apart.
we were hanging out less talking less, but originaly the silence wasn't awkward it was just there. and it bothered me at first, trying to fill the silence because i felt like it was a bad thing, but then i stopped trying to because maybe silence wasn't so bad and it didn't feel awkward. maybe silence was okay. but she seemed to build up this wall around her and it was blocking me out. i tired to talk to her, id ask a stupid question to start a conversation whether it was ridiculous or not at least we would be talking. but she just rolled her eys and gave me short clipped answers. okay i let her be maybe she needed some thinking time, thats okay we all need that. she started walking away from me and not just literally, in every sense of the word.
is this what it feels like to lose someone? to lose them in this way?i''' admit this isnt the first friend i lost, but this is the first time it's been this way. first i lost a best friend because she moved. i was 9. i lost my other half, someone who had been there next door to me my entire life to another neighborhood, another street. i was 13. then i lost one in a fight because she was mean and a liar she had a warped sense of friendship. i was 14.
now i'd be losing another person because of something i did, because lately it was only ever one of my actions that could cause her to avoid me. at 16.
you know what she told me the last i day i ever talked to her? [13 days 4 hours and a few minutes, but who's counting?]
"you just do your own thing."
i'm still hurt and angry, still fucking confused trying to find out when i was did something wrong, where everything felt apart.
still wondering if could have fixed it. probably not and i feel strangely happy about that. i wonder what she's been doing the past couple of days if she has been just as fucking quiet as i have been. but i don't really care anymore. maybe the people that come and go in your life are meant to be there in only those periods of time. maybe you were only meant to be friends in this point in time because you were what each other needed and when those needs change, the people have to also. so they leave and it may hurt or it may not. it could be a messy split or a gradual clean one. you may not even notice it, or maybe the leave but in a different sense of the word.
maybe we don't need each other as friends anymore. maybe we just got sick of each other or she got sick of me. i know i didn't have the strength to hold her up anymore, i don't think i ever could [ or ever did, even.] but i tried. i wonder if maybe the whole "people coming and leaving your life for a reason" applies to my everyone that has come and left my life. i think so.
it doesn't hurt, not anymore, the loss, i think i get it.
anyway, how do you know when you've lost someone?
answer: i don't know how you lose someone, maybe they just come and go in their time. but when you do lose someone it may hurt and it may not [every time its different]. i just think that when you can look back at the memories between you and that person and smile and not really regret anything done, you can, not get over the loss, but you can deal with it. live with it.
wow now that i've said my whole spiel i'm left without words.
oh what else sucks about being a teenager? fucking curfews. i swear man.
and when you act upset or any other bad feeling you get the fucking emo and overdramatic label. and if you act out ["bad behavior" when really its just a case of being upset but showing it in anger, now rage is a different story that links with like impulsiveness, and wtf this doesnt make sense.]
if you act out you're like a mental case or something and i have officially lost track of what i originally wanted to say.
point is being a teenager sucks and yet is like amazing cause you're just starting to live your life. living life as your own person or at least beginning to discover who the fuck it is that looks back at you when you glance at the mirror. [who are you stranger?]
but it's all about perspective right? you feel depressed you're view of the world is different compared to someone who is optimistic.duh.
i swear that book, the secret, seriously fucked with my head in a good way though. funny cause i remember two years ago looking at that book and thinking WHAT A LOAD OF BULLSHIT.
it's nice to be proven wrong, or at least its nice to look past your first judgement.
so here's a question that i've just thought of. [LJ CUT BIATCH!]
You don't just lose people to death.
fuck no of course you don't but what happens when it isn't obvious that you have totally lost what it is to be someones friend or boyfriend[girlfriend] or relative?
even worse what happens when that person you've lost is yourself?
let me tell you something first.
i met my best friend in sixth grade, we were like physically attached or something up until........
actually i'm not even sure when it stopped i can't really pinpoint an exact time but i guess it was gradual, the break of friendship i mean.
but i mean there are certain things you don't ever forget, certain memories that in a way must hold something really important or just are really important for you to remember them so vividly after so long.
in seventh grade i remember talking to her and we were having one of those really deep conversation [at like what 12?] about life and what it means, about people religion all that good shit. [ha. good.] but i don't really remember how we ended up talking about me or us as friends but i do remember this:
"You've changed, you snapped i don't know why but you're so cold, heartless you never call me i always have to call you. It's like you don't even care about me."
that probably killed me a little inside. honestly it was a shock in the fact that before that i would get the opposite. in a weird way when she told me that, i feel like that was when i "snapped". in reality i think i just grew up.
since then i've alway thought of myself as that person who can be a little bit too mean or too monotone, i've thought of myself as cold. and maybe it's true. whatever i'll find out with time. But well i remember her saying that pretty vividly the rest is a blur, i think i said i was sorry or something and that i didn't know why i changed. In a way i was happy that she knew me well enough that she noticed when i wasn't "being myself". did you notice the past tense?
now personally i think i never changed but maybe something was different about me, but she thought of it as change anyway. but CHANGE and SOMETHING DIFFERENT are not the same thing and wont ever be, at least in my opinion and it would take too long [maybe another post] to explain that. I've noticed that. she doesn't do so well with change or at least she doesn't like change, she likes things to stay the same and as of lately she doesn't want to grow up, prefers to live in the past where it was just playing in the park and scraping enough money for ice-cream maybe even a movie ad running around not worrying about high-school or college cause it was so far away.
anyway like i said when she told me that i guess i did snap and well everything kinda spiraled down from there. my life from seventh to like the very very beginning of high-school i just kinda lived through the motions. i wasn't depressed, just a little lost. i kinda lost who i was and like what my life meant and i kept it all inside. THAT is probably what made that time feel so empty. because i didn't know how to express it, i didn't know how to let it out. keeping shit that hurts inside is probably the worst thing you can do because then it just sits there in your chest and festers grows stronger more painful until the world is washed out and gray and all you feel is cold. and since we were only like 13, i dont think she could have really helped me out or anything because honestly she had problems of her own. That may be why i never asked for her to just listen to me or never bothered to unload her with my stupid and pathetic insecurities and feelings of being lost [in translation.] and yes to this day i think what i went through was so stupid and typical of any kid so i don't find anything special in my case so thats that. i totally see the irony in the situation. [do you or am i making shit up again?]
besides i got enough journals of the pathetic angst so im not about to go into a fucking tirade of "the woes of my 13 year old self being lost in her own life and its meaning"
she had family problems that were serious, i had to hold her up. at least that what it felt like and i was okay with that because THAT WHAT BEST FRIENDS ARE FOR.
im going off track again.
so because this is funny but in the beginning of ninth grade i found MCR, they saved my life and i grew up again and past the whole teen angst thing, lol at least i got past the teen angst within/towards myself.
the world wasn't grey anymore [lmao i'm such a sucker for like that fucking weird meaningful yet not way of writing/ or talking. you know, who the fuck do i think i am like petewentz or something? god wouldn't that be interesting?]
so of course it was her turn to lose herself i guess. that's honestly the best way i can put. she lost herself and it wasnt pretty. i have a feeling it was my fault or at least i instigated it or something. but thats to many details and stuff to explain but as she "snapped" [quoting back to that seventh grade convo. as always.] i guess that was when we began to grow apart.
we were hanging out less talking less, but originaly the silence wasn't awkward it was just there. and it bothered me at first, trying to fill the silence because i felt like it was a bad thing, but then i stopped trying to because maybe silence wasn't so bad and it didn't feel awkward. maybe silence was okay. but she seemed to build up this wall around her and it was blocking me out. i tired to talk to her, id ask a stupid question to start a conversation whether it was ridiculous or not at least we would be talking. but she just rolled her eys and gave me short clipped answers. okay i let her be maybe she needed some thinking time, thats okay we all need that. she started walking away from me and not just literally, in every sense of the word.
is this what it feels like to lose someone? to lose them in this way?i''' admit this isnt the first friend i lost, but this is the first time it's been this way. first i lost a best friend because she moved. i was 9. i lost my other half, someone who had been there next door to me my entire life to another neighborhood, another street. i was 13. then i lost one in a fight because she was mean and a liar she had a warped sense of friendship. i was 14.
now i'd be losing another person because of something i did, because lately it was only ever one of my actions that could cause her to avoid me. at 16.
you know what she told me the last i day i ever talked to her? [13 days 4 hours and a few minutes, but who's counting?]
"you just do your own thing."
i'm still hurt and angry, still fucking confused trying to find out when i was did something wrong, where everything felt apart.
still wondering if could have fixed it. probably not and i feel strangely happy about that. i wonder what she's been doing the past couple of days if she has been just as fucking quiet as i have been. but i don't really care anymore. maybe the people that come and go in your life are meant to be there in only those periods of time. maybe you were only meant to be friends in this point in time because you were what each other needed and when those needs change, the people have to also. so they leave and it may hurt or it may not. it could be a messy split or a gradual clean one. you may not even notice it, or maybe the leave but in a different sense of the word.
maybe we don't need each other as friends anymore. maybe we just got sick of each other or she got sick of me. i know i didn't have the strength to hold her up anymore, i don't think i ever could [ or ever did, even.] but i tried. i wonder if maybe the whole "people coming and leaving your life for a reason" applies to my everyone that has come and left my life. i think so.
it doesn't hurt, not anymore, the loss, i think i get it.
anyway, how do you know when you've lost someone?
answer: i don't know how you lose someone, maybe they just come and go in their time. but when you do lose someone it may hurt and it may not [every time its different]. i just think that when you can look back at the memories between you and that person and smile and not really regret anything done, you can, not get over the loss, but you can deal with it. live with it.
wow now that i've said my whole spiel i'm left without words.
oh what else sucks about being a teenager? fucking curfews. i swear man.