(no subject)
I think that moving up here was a really big step that needed to be taken in my life. It really closed that chapter of myself in Florida that I think was holding me down and opened up a new one up that I think and I hope will help me to not only be a better person to others but to also get my life on track for myself and my future.
I’ve had so much dwelling inside of me for the longest time that I’d been trying to suppress it and not let be known to others. But when Charlie said last night that he could see the sadness in my face, I knew it was all over. So I figured that what would probably be best for me would be to get it all out now so that I might have some closure, at least partially, on some issues, and so that maybe the people that are close to me can possibly understand what’s been going on in my head.
My uncle Lou, well he isn’t really my uncle, he’s my mother’s uncle so he’s my great uncle. He has cancer and he’s not doing really well. Not well at all. He’s really optimistic about it and is excited because he thinks that he’s going to be able to drive again soon and he thinks that everything will be all cured but everyone really knows the truth. It’s spread to his brain and there not much you can do about it from there. They don’t have much and I’m really worried because he is one of my favorite relatives and I didn’t get to see him before I left and I’ll hate myself if I don’t ever see him again.
Of course my whole thing with John still burdens me. I don’t know why I let it. I guess it’s true though, I do fall for guys too easily. And I always wind up getting hurt. I don’t know, I just thought that this was different. It was, everything was so real with him, for once I felt like I was in a real relationship and not just some yuppy high school fling where every weekend we go to the movies and make out. It was more than that. We actually went fun places and hung out with our families and stuff like that. It’s not the fact that it ended that kills me because I knew that the end would come, we had discussed it from the day we first started dating, it was inevitable, I was moving to Atlanta, he was going to college, there was no point in continuing a “romantic relationship”. But what kills me is how it ended, there was nothing, he just turned into a total asshole overnight to me and screwed me over when I needed him the most and wouldn‘t even talk to me. I tried everything, but there was no goodbye, nothing, so not even a friendship could ensue.
I’m worried about one of my friends back in Tampa very much. Even more so now than ever before because she has hurt so many of the people that were pulling for her and trying to help her, that she doesn’t have their support anymore. Her perception of what is right and wrong has gotten blurred and she’s gotten into some bad areas that nothing good could come out of. I feel bad for her because she experienced a terrible tragedy in her life not to long ago but I feel like that is no excuse for her behavior and if anything it should have helped to set her straight. We have all tried everything we could think of to get her to open up and talk about it and to stop what she’s doing and to get back on track because she has so much potential and is so talented, she could really make something spectacular with her life. But how do you help someone who doesn’t even want to help themselves? She’s turned into a total hypocrite and liar. If anyone that knew her flashed back to a year ago, and took the girl that was standing there and the girl that is standing before everyone today and compared them, no one would be able to tell that they were the same person based on this girl’s morals and beliefs and personality. I understand that people change and that throughout your life, let alone throughout high school, you can’t stay the same person. But this is a complete 180.
I have no idea how to make friends here. Hopefully I’ll meet some people in driver’s ed next week. It won’t really bother me if I don’t have friends during class and all, but when lunch time rolls around and I have to sit by myself, that’s what I’m most scared of. Yeah I just am so scared about having to make friends.
If I do spiral back down into a depression I don’t want to start cutting again. I know I will but I don’t want to. It’s easy for an outsider to say, “Well that just don’t do it.” But it’s like an addiction, it’s no better, worse or different that being a cigarette smoker or drug addict. Anyone who hasn’t experienced it doesn’t understand that it’s an adrenaline rush to feel the pain. I always did it when something huge had happened and I couldn’t control the situation or make it better. But when I cut, I could control it, I could control my pain, hence I could control how good I felt. I always want to be in control. Now I just don’t want to turn back into that person who has to use self mutilation as an outlet. Cutting was my “drug” and I’ve been “clean” for not too long, but it’s better than having fresh wounds. *This what I hope most people will read because I know that I have friends that don’t understand the topic of self mutilation.*
Last year, first quarter, I was just getting back into the flow of things. I had had the nice long summer vacation and slept in and it kind of phased me. Then by second quarter I was back in sink with the whole school schedule and practices and all. But by the time all of the second semester drama had rolled around I just didn’t give a shit anymore. I didn’t ever do any of the work and I failed several major exams and tests and very closely failed classes. I don’t want that to jeopardize my college chances in any way so this year I’m going to buckle down and manage my time more wisely and not procrastinate so much. My goal is to be on some kind of honor roll making A’s and B’s all year, with chemistry and all that shit it’ll probably be tough but I know I can do it.
Last year I pretty much quit anything I started, which I always hate, but I just get bored so easily. Starting this summer I’m going to do more with my time. Plus I figure, colleges are always looking at extracurricular. I’ll defiantly join the wrestling team, so therefore I’m joining a gym. I want to join a bowling league in the area. I’m going to join clubs at school, there’s a gay-straight alliance which I will most defiantly join and definitely the ultimate Frisbee club! I also think that I’ll at least try out for lacrosse. I have to start babysitting and I’m going to start taking drum lessons and guitar lessons again once I find a great instructor.
I think I’m gaining too much weight, especially if I’m going to want to wrestle so I need to start cutting back and training.
I’m really going to miss all of my Florida friends and I hope that they’ll always remember me. I’m always going to coming back to visit and hopefully coming back for homecoming in the short bus. LoL. But I’m just afraid that they won’t/don’t care that I’m gone. I miss them more than anything because they all have had a lasting affect on the person I am today.
While I’m up here, I think that this summer will be a great time for me to try and reconnect with at least some of my old friends that I’ve lost touch with this year. I really want to start having as much fun with them this summer as I did last; Kristen, Ashlie, Chris, Kyle, Casey, Samantha, Mackenzie, Alan, all of them, they were all the greatest and funniest people, and we had such common interests from the beginning.
I really hope that Erin is doing ok out in New Mexico and that she’s thinking about time, cuz I’m always thinking of her. This year we were supposed to be together up here and everything was going to be perfect but once again that plan just didn’t work out. But she is always that little voice in my head telling me right or wrong. She always knew exactly what to say and we had the greatest of times together. My room is going to turn out exactly how we had planned it together. I just look forward to when she can come visit me up here and I can go out there and experience New Mexico!
I’m beginning to hang out with Charlie more and more. He’s come by to pick me up and we go out with his friends which is always fun. He’s such a quirky guy when you really get down to things, but on the surface he’s the most normal and down-to-earth person I’ve ever met. It’s hard to explain things but even though there’s a slightly major age difference, when we are talking it’s like we really can relate to what the other’s saying. He feels like the big brother that I’ve never had, I don’t know what about him makes me say that but he just does. And it’s completely weird because we haven’t hung out that many times.
When I spent the night with Kristen we talked about what’s going on in our lives and we were trying to catch up since we’d kind of drifted apart. Seeing her and fixing our relationship was one of my main thrills for the summer, or so I thought. But in talking with her and seeing what her interests are now, it’s made me even sadder because it’s made me realize that we’ve grown even more apart than I had thought. We are two totally different people than we were two years ago and we don’t have the same things that are interesting to up and we have our own styles and we have two different types of friends and the same things aren’t important to us. It kills me to think of this because she is my oldest friend and we’ve always been there for each other when it really came down to it and I think that we will always be here for each other, but I think that realizing this might even pull us apart even more.
The past year has been filled good times with my friends that I will never ever forget. I made some of the best friends I could’ve ever asked for in the past year/ two years, they really helped to open my eyes to how fun I could make life and they really helped me to act myself around people and become even more outgoing. I love all my friends that I made in Tampa. And as I look at my life now, no matter how much I miss them and want to go back to my “home” in Florida now, I know that I would never be truly happy because I would always know that I had missed out on the opportunity to make a new life for me up here. Not only that, but I also know that if I were to go back down there I would slip into my same old self. Maybe as far as on the outside, things were great for me this year, but on the inside, I was miserable. Most of this year I have been in a downward spiral of a depression, going back to my old self destructive behaviors, not to get into specifics, I would cry all the time or if I wasn’t crying I was sleeping because I just had no motivation to do anything for myself, I started failing classes and not even bothering to show up to school. Most of the time I tried my best to put up a front around people because most of my friends and I were trying to help one of our other close friends with some troubles that they had come down with. I wanted my friend to get better so I hid my real self from them so that no one would worry about me too, or think that I was trying to get attention. Of course suppressing it only made me feel worse. All I wanted was to cry out and let someone know how I was feeling or I’d hope that someone would recognize that something was wrong and try to help me, but help never came, and slowly it got worse and worse, to the point of having to go back on meds to keep me from suicide. The point is, I know if I were to go back to Florida, I would be going back to that person, because that’s just how I would have reverted to. So maybe it was best to move up here.
I’ve had a lot of unsolved anger dwelling inside of me with my father the last few years, this past year especially, that I haven’t really talked to anyone about. Least of all him. But some things happened this week that really pushed me to the limit and I felt that since I’m going to be living up here permanently now I really needed to talk to him about how I’m feeling. I did and I not only got off my chest what I’ve been burying down in me for months, but I also found out some stuff from his side. For the last several years, or maybe even more than that, I haven’t felt as though I had a father. I know he’s always been there for me but he was never there as a father figure, just a big friend, I mean, I could always talk to him when I needed to and tell him just about anything, and I know that’s important but that’s not what I needed. Well, it was but, it too hard to explain, he wasn’t there when we needed to be a family, he wasn’t there for my mother, he wasn’t there financially, he wasn’t there in so many ways. But now that we were able to sit down and get all of this off of our chests and have a heart to heart adult conversation, I think that our relationship will be more adult and actually be more “father-daughter-ish”.
Since my mother and I have moved up here into the house with Jack again things have been very different. We all kind of mesh and get along with one each other now. My mother and Jack are at better terms with each other than ever, I can sit in my bedroom doorway and see them in the sitting room downstairs dancing to the temptations or some group like that, they are all lovey dovey again, they seem happy now, like I‘ve never seen them. My mother and I are closer than ever, we talk about a lot of stuff that we wouldn’t have been able to before, we kind of understand each other more now, we go places together and all this decorating of my rooms I think she’s really getting into which I’ve really been getting into so I think that that makes her exciting seeing me want to decorate. Jack and I have been getting along terrific, we haven’t fought once since we got up here, well that’s a lie, we did have one fight, it just wouldn’t be “us” if we hadn’t had one, but basically nothing big, he was the sweetest guy and took care of me while I was sick. We are all getting along great.
When for the longest time all I’ve been craving was a father figure in my life I think that I can actually say that I feel as though I have two fathers. And not only that I feel as though I have two perfect families that I can turn to. The lifestyles in each are completely opposite, one is more glam and glitz that other is more laid back and do it yourself, but I think they balance and compliment each other and keep me down to earth and not caught up in either.
The only thing that I’m really super sad about is that this is the longest I’ve really ever been without seeing my grandmother and I miss her to death. I guess it’s true that you miss it the most when it’s gone. But she means so much to me and I love her so much and I feel so horrible about all the times I was horrible to her because now I think about, what if something terrible had happened all of a sudden and she had died or something and I would have never had been able to say goodbye or I’m sorry. I am so stupid but I will make every attempt that I can to come down and visit her.
I know that for the last 6 months I’ve wanted nothing less than to move up here. I was adamant that I wouldn’t want to be here and that I would be miserable if I had to move. I hate to admit it but I even was seriously contemplating suicide, hell not even contemplating it, I had my mind made up, it was going to be my outlet because I knew I would hate nothing more than to live in Atlanta. But now that I’m up here it feels like everything is calm. I’m slowing trying to get weened off my meds because I have rarely been taking them and I’m feeling better than I have in months, I may not have many friends to lounge around with now but I’m plenty occupied with decorating my rooms so when I do have friends to hang out with, we’ll have a fun place to goof off and the friends that I do have I’m going to get back in touch with and make plans to hang out with.
I feel as though this move has opened up a new chapter in my life, and came at a perfect time.
People will ask me now how it feels to finally be up here, and I just tell them, “It feels like a really boring summer vacation. It hasn’t really hit me yet that this is my new home.” But maybe that’s because I never really had a home in Florida. They say “Home is where the heart is.” Maybe my heart just never left Georgia.