a release of sorts..
9/16/06 - 9/12/07
days short of a year.... days short of my birthday
and i'm kinda numb to it still, i think, or maybe it's because i want to move forward so badly my grieving time has been severely shortened.
though forward isn't the direction any part of my being makes to move in.
i want to go back
and maybe i'm not that upset because part of me is relying on things going well and us getting back together..
and that statement makes almost every girl i know cringe and want to thrash me with something solid...
but a year is a long time... and to me the differences we had weren't major enough for this to be the ultimate end.
who else can i watch kung fu fliks with? or naruto or any anime for that matter? roam through a museum with? play video games with? going to see movies? up for any restaurant?
they sound like small things... but i don't know anyone who really honest to god isnt bored with the extensive time i spend doing that stuff....
and if i do know them, they aren't someone i want to spend those extensive hours with.
he stimulated me by nerding out entirely with me and still bring in so many differences that there were new things and aspects of everyday events that he brought.
my nature of making everyone else happy before myself was my downfall...
i wasn't happy.. and it pushed him away. and i never knew it.
neither one of us were very good at opening our mouths when things came up because i was too sensitive and could get everything out before crying and he was too harsh and didn't want to make me cry.
so we'd text novels. which never bothered me.
maybe things continued because of how far i stretched myself to keep this afloat
maybe his lack of patience got the best of him
maybe he sabotaged it because we had a good relationship.
and that sucks alot too.... anyone looking at us thought we were together for alot longer than we were.. whether it was how comfortable we were, or that we never ever fought in front of people and even behind closed doors our arguements were only misunderstandings with civil words.
we worked so well together.
i use the word regret with him.
i didn't ask things about him, or ask things in general cuz i was scared i'd send up a red flag and lose him.
he has so much baggage, he's like a mine field the way i felt i had to tread with things.
and my silence pushed him away.
and now i feel like i have mountains of words to say to him... and can't so easily say them....
maybe a simple break cuz have proved the point.... but he's not my father, he shouldnt have to teach me a lesson... and my lack of relationship experience doesnt help me in any of this. but unless he's being making his tongue bleed from biting it so long about stuff... i don't see how this helps either of us.
i need him right now. he might never know the extent. i still get my bouts of hating myself and not leaving my rooms for a day or two.... but not nearly as much as i used to in the years before him.... he was my happy thought... knowing that i had him around and he still loved me even though i didnt got me out of my funks faster than ever before....
he gave me some drive, i still didn't have my ball rolling but he cared.
he was the first one to push me back into music since i left school.
he wanted to see me suceed.... not like my parents didn't.. but i was in more contact with him than them.
and because i barely changed my ways in a year, still working at the same place i regularly complain about, i'm not in a band yet, i'm still where i am.
it's the little things....
i don't despise my job like i used to.. i actually enjoy pouring drinks for people.... i make enough cash to do the fun things i wanna do. i'm not in a band.. but my room is finally getting set up to bring all my equipment into it.
but the little things that make or break things apparently.
and it's the little things that didn't happen for me, that i overlooked to keep this alive.
nothing but a thanks on valentine's day.. that one hurt alot. i don't expect a ring, but more than a thank you.
the jealously that was so outrageous at some points i shouldn't have dealt with it.
just jumping into a relationship after a long bumpy one that didnt seem concluded very well didn't help either of us.
but i want things back. i want his support not just as a friend.
i want to know everything that makes him tick... all the stuff maybe i should have tried harder to find out about before... have more of a backbone with him and not be so worried about the negative response. cuz he never really has one. and i hate my 20/20 hindsight because i see where the steps were that we should have taken.. places where we both should have zigged and not zagged.
i don't blame myself. i just find it easier to see what faults i have.
i don't blame him. he didn't rip my heart out. he didn't do anything really wrong.... expect actaully break up with me.
we both did it. and i wish we could both fix it.
maybe we can.
maybe as we start over as friends we won't be as reserved about things and we can really get to know each other with guards downs.
but i already want that part skipped.
all i've known him is as my bf. i never had the friend stage... maybe we needed it. and it left me with no point of reference to go back to . i don't know how to act.
I love him too much to wipe this slate clean.... clean of a past that was barely spotted... I wanna wake up beside him... and just look at him and take him in for so long he says what. those arms are magnetic.....
so now on the eve of our would have been year anniversary.... 3 days before my birthday.. things might be okay. maybe this will work itself out.
he tells me to be optimistic... and that's all i want to be with him.
days short of a year.... days short of my birthday
and i'm kinda numb to it still, i think, or maybe it's because i want to move forward so badly my grieving time has been severely shortened.
though forward isn't the direction any part of my being makes to move in.
i want to go back
and maybe i'm not that upset because part of me is relying on things going well and us getting back together..
and that statement makes almost every girl i know cringe and want to thrash me with something solid...
but a year is a long time... and to me the differences we had weren't major enough for this to be the ultimate end.
who else can i watch kung fu fliks with? or naruto or any anime for that matter? roam through a museum with? play video games with? going to see movies? up for any restaurant?
they sound like small things... but i don't know anyone who really honest to god isnt bored with the extensive time i spend doing that stuff....
and if i do know them, they aren't someone i want to spend those extensive hours with.
he stimulated me by nerding out entirely with me and still bring in so many differences that there were new things and aspects of everyday events that he brought.
my nature of making everyone else happy before myself was my downfall...
i wasn't happy.. and it pushed him away. and i never knew it.
neither one of us were very good at opening our mouths when things came up because i was too sensitive and could get everything out before crying and he was too harsh and didn't want to make me cry.
so we'd text novels. which never bothered me.
maybe things continued because of how far i stretched myself to keep this afloat
maybe his lack of patience got the best of him
maybe he sabotaged it because we had a good relationship.
and that sucks alot too.... anyone looking at us thought we were together for alot longer than we were.. whether it was how comfortable we were, or that we never ever fought in front of people and even behind closed doors our arguements were only misunderstandings with civil words.
we worked so well together.
i use the word regret with him.
i didn't ask things about him, or ask things in general cuz i was scared i'd send up a red flag and lose him.
he has so much baggage, he's like a mine field the way i felt i had to tread with things.
and my silence pushed him away.
and now i feel like i have mountains of words to say to him... and can't so easily say them....
maybe a simple break cuz have proved the point.... but he's not my father, he shouldnt have to teach me a lesson... and my lack of relationship experience doesnt help me in any of this. but unless he's being making his tongue bleed from biting it so long about stuff... i don't see how this helps either of us.
i need him right now. he might never know the extent. i still get my bouts of hating myself and not leaving my rooms for a day or two.... but not nearly as much as i used to in the years before him.... he was my happy thought... knowing that i had him around and he still loved me even though i didnt got me out of my funks faster than ever before....
he gave me some drive, i still didn't have my ball rolling but he cared.
he was the first one to push me back into music since i left school.
he wanted to see me suceed.... not like my parents didn't.. but i was in more contact with him than them.
and because i barely changed my ways in a year, still working at the same place i regularly complain about, i'm not in a band yet, i'm still where i am.
it's the little things....
i don't despise my job like i used to.. i actually enjoy pouring drinks for people.... i make enough cash to do the fun things i wanna do. i'm not in a band.. but my room is finally getting set up to bring all my equipment into it.
but the little things that make or break things apparently.
and it's the little things that didn't happen for me, that i overlooked to keep this alive.
nothing but a thanks on valentine's day.. that one hurt alot. i don't expect a ring, but more than a thank you.
the jealously that was so outrageous at some points i shouldn't have dealt with it.
just jumping into a relationship after a long bumpy one that didnt seem concluded very well didn't help either of us.
but i want things back. i want his support not just as a friend.
i want to know everything that makes him tick... all the stuff maybe i should have tried harder to find out about before... have more of a backbone with him and not be so worried about the negative response. cuz he never really has one. and i hate my 20/20 hindsight because i see where the steps were that we should have taken.. places where we both should have zigged and not zagged.
i don't blame myself. i just find it easier to see what faults i have.
i don't blame him. he didn't rip my heart out. he didn't do anything really wrong.... expect actaully break up with me.
we both did it. and i wish we could both fix it.
maybe we can.
maybe as we start over as friends we won't be as reserved about things and we can really get to know each other with guards downs.
but i already want that part skipped.
all i've known him is as my bf. i never had the friend stage... maybe we needed it. and it left me with no point of reference to go back to . i don't know how to act.
I love him too much to wipe this slate clean.... clean of a past that was barely spotted... I wanna wake up beside him... and just look at him and take him in for so long he says what. those arms are magnetic.....
so now on the eve of our would have been year anniversary.... 3 days before my birthday.. things might be okay. maybe this will work itself out.
he tells me to be optimistic... and that's all i want to be with him.