its something i can do...

[xxmiamimofo21xx]

but why do i feel this party's over?...hmmm i really do feel like i need to run and hide the last few months since my bday have been a growing period of which i have learned to be a drunken mess...look like an ass...spend tons of money...and basically become the celebrity i am without the personal stylist and nagging paps around me...what is it i really need rite?...i obviously seek the attention of those i dont kno...because most of the people i do kno end up stabbing me in the back/ass/forehead etc...eventually...i had the unfortunate event today of walking into mah house and noticing my friend of 3 years and more recently my room mate had moved out...let me mention that she left me alone for all major holidays passed when i never once left her alone for the entireity of a holiday (and for the matter always included her in mah friendships)...anyways the last two months she basically was dead because i didnt see or talk to her...i feel this is in great part to an outside influence...she has always been easily influenced...but to oneday wake up and notice ur so called sister is gone and not talking to u because her "cokehead" boyfriend has minipulated her into thinking she is safer with him then someone who genuinely cared about her well being with the exception of a few choice incidents in which she was beyond control...i dunno why im dwelling on it...its not like i didnt not expect her to move out it just would have been nice to get a forewarning from her mouth since she verbally secured a contract with me...and i gave her many a chance to say she wouldnt be able to stay...walking into an empty feeling house is the scariest thing in the world...i felt like a part of me was riped away and i would never get it back...im bothered yes about the financial kick in the ass that this will bring upon me because lets face i wouldnt still be here if i didnt have help paying mah rent...but its more or less i just expected the courtesy of being told "hey im moving out id like to see u before i uproot completely from ur life"...u kno???...i just cant understand this feeling of displacement and unimportance in the people that are surrounding me lately...do i really give more energy in -ships than i will ever receive back from the individual?...what a sad world if that is indeed the truth...but the truth is always hidden behind the silence of the unsaid...wouldnt life be easier if we were all drunk and had that horrid case of verbal diarrhea...where we could tell the individuals in our lives what they really mean to us without any kind of repercussions...but i guess thats what the music is for...and i guess thats why we dance and put a smile on our nicely made over faces but in the night dont we just cry away the facade?...its all an illusion anyway...why do people have to be so fake...is it really that hard to be like "BYE"...i kno i have no problem shooing away those masquito-like people in my life...why does everyone need something to be a friend...what can u give me?...what can u offer me?...im ready to say "i can only offer u my friendship...nothing else"...and see what people say...i feel so used and abused...like a reused bandaid thats been through too many showers...or maybe not enough...i just want to know the inner thoughts and reactions of my own actions from the people around me...might be nice to kno if i am actually the cause of the pain they are inflicting on my life...instead of displacing the blame on the people who may or may not be reacting to what im doing in a way thats like a dagger to my heart/mind/soul...am i the knife looking for a hand to stab me...am i pushing the buttons i shouldnt press?...or am i not doing enough?...is humanity no longer about coasting...and enjoying the time ur in?...is it simply never enough?...

sorry this made absolutely no sense...but maybe thats why i dont at all because afterall this is the exact way i think...

i just would like to rewind back...start anew...make different decisions and still know the people i know...seeing if i have a chance in hell...if i can make more of myself at the age of 23...if i can just be more than an if...maybe someone somewhere will change me and mold me for the better...but than again maybe they will just throw me to the side like a sock with no match...grrr...

who knows...

-so mental...