Alley Cat
Okay, so I'm turning to livejournal because I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. If you don't want negativity in your life please stop reading this now. Don't come to me after reading it and tell me that I really shouldn't stay stuff like this on the internet for everyone to see. Because this is a journal and its the only form of release I have right now. I'm so sick of being told not to talk about what's going on in my life.
That being said. Things are so awful right now that I feel sick to my stomach. I cannot stop thinking about all of these awful things.
First I have these nightmares that are usually sexual in nature which only makes it worse. And then when I get up I feel like I haven't slept at all and I have this horrible feeling for days on end.
Next we have me totally being freaked out that I'm so attracted to a woman. Regardless of the fact that I'm never even gonna know her I'm freaking out. I rarely hear voices anymore but sometimes they pop up out of nowhere just to say something really awful. Today they told me I had perversions. I know that its not real but it happened to be right as I was thinking about this particular woman. So what am I left to think or feel? I've always struggled with being bisexual. I grew up in an Orthodox Christian home. And while my dad was always accepting, my mother is not. Well guess what? My dad's dead. So that leaves me with someone who freezes up whenever I talk about a woman. And when I tried to talk to her about seriously one time. She told me that I should "listen to my inner voice, what does it tell me" as far as whether or not I felt it was wrong for me to have feelings for a woman I was going to potentially date at the time. Are you serious? I had to practically pry the she would love me no matter what out. My sister is supportive but at the same time doesn't want to hear about it. I'm not allowed to talk to her about certain things. But we'll get to that in a minute. Having limited support from my sibling is nothing compared to the lack thereof from my mom and my brother would probably agree that its wrong. I'm so conflicted and I have no one to talk to about this.
Which brings me to what I was talking about at the top. I have like no one left I can talk to anymore. One of my best friends Rachael keeps telling me all this shitty stuff her friends tell her about me. They. don't. even. know. me. Swear to God I've never even met this couple that apparently told her to just slowly distance herself from me because I'm no good for her. I'm so negative. And then her other friend was asking if Rachael really should be telling me some secret she was telling me because I might tell someone. Okay. I don't blab about people's shit. Its not my business. If you tell me something in confidence than it stays that way. And that woman had only hung out with me like twice. Oh and that couple, also said that its my fault that all my friends keep leaving me. I do it to myself. But Rachael ends all of this by saying. But I promise I'm never going to ever leave you. I hate when people say that. Because swear to God every time they do, two or three months later they're gone. I've started keeping track.
I have lost so many friend over the past couple years. And granted that up until recently it had been pretty rough in my life and I didn't have many friends to start. But still. I've lost four best friends, a handful of other friends. And usually its after they've said I'm never going to leave.
I get that life changes and people change and move on. But seriously? Every time I make a friend I almost instantly lose them. But according to some that's my fault. I guess ever having a meaningful conversation, or heart to heart, god forbid you ask for advice. Its just stupid. I'm sorry for anyone who has read to this point. I swear I'm almost done. I just needed to get this off my chest and I do feel a little bit better.
Anyway, so between conflicts with my sexuality, which leads to questioning my faith, and having no one to talk to, minus sleep, I hope you can see why I've hit my breaking point. And as I sit here and type this into my journal I literally just lied and told someone. "I'm good." I just have no idea what to do anymore but smile and lie because I guess that's what people want from me.
I'm sorry if you're in my life in some way and my negativity has had an impact on you. I love all of you very much and I'm sad every time one of you leaves. I apologize if I've ever hurt you in some way or if I've caused any negative emotion. I'm sorry.
xx
That being said. Things are so awful right now that I feel sick to my stomach. I cannot stop thinking about all of these awful things.
First I have these nightmares that are usually sexual in nature which only makes it worse. And then when I get up I feel like I haven't slept at all and I have this horrible feeling for days on end.
Next we have me totally being freaked out that I'm so attracted to a woman. Regardless of the fact that I'm never even gonna know her I'm freaking out. I rarely hear voices anymore but sometimes they pop up out of nowhere just to say something really awful. Today they told me I had perversions. I know that its not real but it happened to be right as I was thinking about this particular woman. So what am I left to think or feel? I've always struggled with being bisexual. I grew up in an Orthodox Christian home. And while my dad was always accepting, my mother is not. Well guess what? My dad's dead. So that leaves me with someone who freezes up whenever I talk about a woman. And when I tried to talk to her about seriously one time. She told me that I should "listen to my inner voice, what does it tell me" as far as whether or not I felt it was wrong for me to have feelings for a woman I was going to potentially date at the time. Are you serious? I had to practically pry the she would love me no matter what out. My sister is supportive but at the same time doesn't want to hear about it. I'm not allowed to talk to her about certain things. But we'll get to that in a minute. Having limited support from my sibling is nothing compared to the lack thereof from my mom and my brother would probably agree that its wrong. I'm so conflicted and I have no one to talk to about this.
Which brings me to what I was talking about at the top. I have like no one left I can talk to anymore. One of my best friends Rachael keeps telling me all this shitty stuff her friends tell her about me. They. don't. even. know. me. Swear to God I've never even met this couple that apparently told her to just slowly distance herself from me because I'm no good for her. I'm so negative. And then her other friend was asking if Rachael really should be telling me some secret she was telling me because I might tell someone. Okay. I don't blab about people's shit. Its not my business. If you tell me something in confidence than it stays that way. And that woman had only hung out with me like twice. Oh and that couple, also said that its my fault that all my friends keep leaving me. I do it to myself. But Rachael ends all of this by saying. But I promise I'm never going to ever leave you. I hate when people say that. Because swear to God every time they do, two or three months later they're gone. I've started keeping track.
I have lost so many friend over the past couple years. And granted that up until recently it had been pretty rough in my life and I didn't have many friends to start. But still. I've lost four best friends, a handful of other friends. And usually its after they've said I'm never going to leave.
I get that life changes and people change and move on. But seriously? Every time I make a friend I almost instantly lose them. But according to some that's my fault. I guess ever having a meaningful conversation, or heart to heart, god forbid you ask for advice. Its just stupid. I'm sorry for anyone who has read to this point. I swear I'm almost done. I just needed to get this off my chest and I do feel a little bit better.
Anyway, so between conflicts with my sexuality, which leads to questioning my faith, and having no one to talk to, minus sleep, I hope you can see why I've hit my breaking point. And as I sit here and type this into my journal I literally just lied and told someone. "I'm good." I just have no idea what to do anymore but smile and lie because I guess that's what people want from me.
I'm sorry if you're in my life in some way and my negativity has had an impact on you. I love all of you very much and I'm sad every time one of you leaves. I apologize if I've ever hurt you in some way or if I've caused any negative emotion. I'm sorry.
xx