Up All Night/After Midnight
I cannot believe how shitty the past couple days have been. I seriously was so heart broken and depressed last night that I was physically in pain. And its not getting much better. I like having the weekends to recuperate from the week of work. But this weekend has been awful. I guess yesterday was because there was a funeral and it was just bringing back all the emotions about my dad. I did get to spend some time with a friend from church but we spent it unloading on each other. And the stuff I was talking about, I could literally write a book about because there's so much to the story at this point. And rehashing it every time just makes me feel worse. I still have no answers and no reasons why all of it happened. And then you have the voices in my head telling me things about it. Like "he's not coming" or "he's not the one you're looking for." Its a great feeling to be in love with someone have voices you can't block out telling you its never going to happen. I'm so glad.
On top of all of this my friends, save one, and Beccabean, you know who you are. But the rest. Most refuse to talk to me. And when they do its very brief and/or uncomfortable because its clear that I'm bugging them. I just don't get it. Why is it so hard for me to keep friends? And have good, working relationships with them. I know some of you will read this and tell me that I can talk to you. But I feel bad because I don't want to bother you and I feel like I've guilted into it. I don't want that. I just want someone I can talk to about things and actually feel like we're having a conversation without me getting judged or criticized about what I'm saying.
Maybe its just me. I guess it probably is. But I'm tired of feeling like I've got no one I can trust that I can turn to. Everyone is busy or is over talking to me. Its fine. I've got my voices. I'll just talk to them. At least I know they can't abandon me because they're stuck in my head. And they're more reliable than the people I've been trying to talk to. So its whatever.
On top of all of this my friends, save one, and Beccabean, you know who you are. But the rest. Most refuse to talk to me. And when they do its very brief and/or uncomfortable because its clear that I'm bugging them. I just don't get it. Why is it so hard for me to keep friends? And have good, working relationships with them. I know some of you will read this and tell me that I can talk to you. But I feel bad because I don't want to bother you and I feel like I've guilted into it. I don't want that. I just want someone I can talk to about things and actually feel like we're having a conversation without me getting judged or criticized about what I'm saying.
Maybe its just me. I guess it probably is. But I'm tired of feeling like I've got no one I can trust that I can turn to. Everyone is busy or is over talking to me. Its fine. I've got my voices. I'll just talk to them. At least I know they can't abandon me because they're stuck in my head. And they're more reliable than the people I've been trying to talk to. So its whatever.