my realization
I want everyone to know that I have realized something. I have shown my bad side to people that I never wanted them to see it. I never want pity, I guess I need help. I hate asking for it most of the time though because I am worried about all my friends and everything. I hate being upset and i hate being not happy. I love being happy but normally it only lasts for a little while. I want to change that but I have trouble with that. I feel like I would be happiest with someone just because then I don't think about the little things that might aggravate me.
I wish I knew the future so I could prepare myself for whatever comes my way. Now I know that life isn't about thatm I just want to know if I am wasting my time, not like I can help it. You can't help who you like, what you want and what you need. You just can't. There are some things that that you can control in your life like your risks and your choices, but I just want to know if I need to choose a different path, or will this one pay off sooner or later.
I don't think that I am really a selfish person. I don't think I am. If I am, I never mean to be. I want everyone to be happy before I am anywhere close to that. I figured out that I love being around my friends and just hanging out and having fun, I just wish that I was closer to them and like we could hang out all the time. No one seems to have time for eachother anymore and its depressing and sad.
I am still comparing myself to my friends and I hate doing that because it just upsets me but I still do it. I don't want to but it is stuck in my head that I will never be as good as them or as great that they are. I want some people to know that no matter what I am always there, but gosh some people need to stop worrying about me because I will be fine sooner or later.
Do I want to be this way? HELLS NO. I want to be happy 24/7, I want to stop being lonely and stop being depressed. I want to just be happy but I really need to just chill out and forget everything that has ever let me down. I want to say that everything in my past that happened that made me depressed or upset or anything just wasn't there. I know I can't though. I want to just say the hell with everything and start over.
Although I know I want a lot of things, I still know that there are some things that I just can't replace and forget. Such as first boyfriend (Although I normally wish that it wasnt the person it was) and friends and just everything. I am realizing all this now. I am turning 16 on friday and after my 16 years I am just realizing that I need to get over this stupid stage and just be happy and try to stay myself. I might need some help from friends and everything.
I love everything in my life and I love all my friends every single one of them. I love being here, there is nothing I would change just because I have the greatest people in my life that I could ask for.
"Far away there in the sunshine, on my highest aspirations. I may not reach them but I can look up and see there beauty and believe in them, and try to follow where they lead."
Thank you. Everyone. Thank you.