(no subject)
I am the glutton dressed as glam
What food could be so bad to make someone shove their fingers as far down their throat as they can? How does a fear of food develope that's that strong? Or what about sitting with hunger pains for days and days? Where does it all come from? Where do we point the finger?
I'm bulimic. I'm getting better at realizing that. It's taken me a long time to realize that because it started out with anorexia. When it morphed into bulimia in the fall it was hard to let go of the word anorexic because that was what I wanted. I wanted to never eat, plain and simple. But instead I would eat all kinds of shit in hopes for some comfort that never came, then I would realize what I had eaten and I would throw it all up. For months I was convinced the anorexic was still in there she was just lost, or something. I wanted to know that I could get back what I had. How good I was at restricting. Let's face it, we all know I was damn good at restricting because I could barely get out of bed, when we went to the Commons in Rochester I couldn't walk across the entire park without having to lie down. Fuck, everytime I stood up I was close to passing out. Why do I miss this so much? Because to me bulimia is like....a loss of control. I wanted to be in control, so I clung to the term anorexic just hoping that it was still in there somewhere and I could get back the control I once had. Months have passed and I still don't have that control. Infact lately it's been pretty bad. But I've gotten more comfrotable with it I guess, and that's not a good thing if you're thinking of recovery. It's like "Well, I'll eat this, I'll just make sure I throw it up." And it doesn't phase me anymore. I've gotten pretty used to throwing up. Infact, as fucked up as this sounds, I enjoy it.
Remember how Sophomore year I didn't go a single day without cutitng myself atleast once? And when I cut myself it was BAD. Well, since my eating disorders developed my cutting episodes have been few and far between. I guess cutting was replaced by eating disorders. That's partly why I like throwing up. Puking is the new cutting. Haha.
So here I am, a bulimic and ex-anorexic not ready to give it up. I'm not going to lie about it anymore, fuck, I'll be blunt about it. I'm beyond caring about who knows and who doesn't. Ignorance and shoving things under the rug only feeds problems. So fuck that.
Oh, and I need to look hot for new clothes I'm ordering for some concerts. "Fetish attire is highly encouraged," it says on the flyer. Must lose weight.
Bile - In League
Pretty boy with a gun
Bang- bang, fun- fun
Pretty girl with a knife
Watch your back it's your wife!
Heroin, load my blood
Shoot- shoot, fun- fun
Pretty girl on ecstasy
Now she wants to fuck me
We are the dead
We are in league
We are the doctors of low self esteem
We do it wrong
We don't believe
We are the congress of the new disease
Pretty thing with no head
That's OK, better off dead!
Warm blood everywhere
Shave off all my hair!
Pretty girl, what's she worth?
Stick it where it really hurts!
Government experiment
Welcome to my accident
We are the dead
We are in league
We are the doctors of low self esteem
We do it wrong
And we have no fear
We are the anti of all you hold dear
Social disease
Down on your knees
Covered in fleas
Give me a freeze
I am a clown
I am disgrace
It's always thrown up in my face
Through ignorance
I always fight
Better face it
I'm always right
I hope they play that song when I see them this summer <3
Genitorturers - Asphixiate
Your first encounter with the ones who make you
Feel a chance to taste their disease
Invite you in to lick their skin, press open, and to feel all as real
Your senses low, your pleasures grow
White hands sew up the deed
Another limb to lift your skin, press open
And to dream it was real
Hands wide open
Lick your wounds and come inside
With your hand wide open
Lick your wounds and come inside
With your hands wide
As the cord pulls tighter, face is bleeding whiter and whiter!
As the cord pulls tighter, spots in hell burn brighter and brighter!
Your last encounter with the ones who made you sin
Till the dust hit your skin
Your pleasures know their wager grow
You lust to feel again
Hands wide open
Lick you wounds and come inside
With you hands wide open
Close your hands and come inside
With your hands white!
As the cord pulls tighter, face is bleeding whiter and whiter!
As the cord pulls tighter, spots in hell burn brighter and brighter!
Friend…So this leads us to the end!
Your life burns dimmer now!
By our will, you tied yourself!
Life burns quicker now, with a second hand
As the cord pulls tighter
I'm going to be as hot as Gen from Genitorturers.
Hail to the freaks
We got a freak show coming
What food could be so bad to make someone shove their fingers as far down their throat as they can? How does a fear of food develope that's that strong? Or what about sitting with hunger pains for days and days? Where does it all come from? Where do we point the finger?
I'm bulimic. I'm getting better at realizing that. It's taken me a long time to realize that because it started out with anorexia. When it morphed into bulimia in the fall it was hard to let go of the word anorexic because that was what I wanted. I wanted to never eat, plain and simple. But instead I would eat all kinds of shit in hopes for some comfort that never came, then I would realize what I had eaten and I would throw it all up. For months I was convinced the anorexic was still in there she was just lost, or something. I wanted to know that I could get back what I had. How good I was at restricting. Let's face it, we all know I was damn good at restricting because I could barely get out of bed, when we went to the Commons in Rochester I couldn't walk across the entire park without having to lie down. Fuck, everytime I stood up I was close to passing out. Why do I miss this so much? Because to me bulimia is like....a loss of control. I wanted to be in control, so I clung to the term anorexic just hoping that it was still in there somewhere and I could get back the control I once had. Months have passed and I still don't have that control. Infact lately it's been pretty bad. But I've gotten more comfrotable with it I guess, and that's not a good thing if you're thinking of recovery. It's like "Well, I'll eat this, I'll just make sure I throw it up." And it doesn't phase me anymore. I've gotten pretty used to throwing up. Infact, as fucked up as this sounds, I enjoy it.
Remember how Sophomore year I didn't go a single day without cutitng myself atleast once? And when I cut myself it was BAD. Well, since my eating disorders developed my cutting episodes have been few and far between. I guess cutting was replaced by eating disorders. That's partly why I like throwing up. Puking is the new cutting. Haha.
So here I am, a bulimic and ex-anorexic not ready to give it up. I'm not going to lie about it anymore, fuck, I'll be blunt about it. I'm beyond caring about who knows and who doesn't. Ignorance and shoving things under the rug only feeds problems. So fuck that.
Oh, and I need to look hot for new clothes I'm ordering for some concerts. "Fetish attire is highly encouraged," it says on the flyer. Must lose weight.
Bile - In League
Pretty boy with a gun
Bang- bang, fun- fun
Pretty girl with a knife
Watch your back it's your wife!
Heroin, load my blood
Shoot- shoot, fun- fun
Pretty girl on ecstasy
Now she wants to fuck me
We are the dead
We are in league
We are the doctors of low self esteem
We do it wrong
We don't believe
We are the congress of the new disease
Pretty thing with no head
That's OK, better off dead!
Warm blood everywhere
Shave off all my hair!
Pretty girl, what's she worth?
Stick it where it really hurts!
Government experiment
Welcome to my accident
We are the dead
We are in league
We are the doctors of low self esteem
We do it wrong
And we have no fear
We are the anti of all you hold dear
Social disease
Down on your knees
Covered in fleas
Give me a freeze
I am a clown
I am disgrace
It's always thrown up in my face
Through ignorance
I always fight
Better face it
I'm always right
I hope they play that song when I see them this summer <3
Genitorturers - Asphixiate
Your first encounter with the ones who make you
Feel a chance to taste their disease
Invite you in to lick their skin, press open, and to feel all as real
Your senses low, your pleasures grow
White hands sew up the deed
Another limb to lift your skin, press open
And to dream it was real
Hands wide open
Lick your wounds and come inside
With your hand wide open
Lick your wounds and come inside
With your hands wide
As the cord pulls tighter, face is bleeding whiter and whiter!
As the cord pulls tighter, spots in hell burn brighter and brighter!
Your last encounter with the ones who made you sin
Till the dust hit your skin
Your pleasures know their wager grow
You lust to feel again
Hands wide open
Lick you wounds and come inside
With you hands wide open
Close your hands and come inside
With your hands white!
As the cord pulls tighter, face is bleeding whiter and whiter!
As the cord pulls tighter, spots in hell burn brighter and brighter!
Friend…So this leads us to the end!
Your life burns dimmer now!
By our will, you tied yourself!
Life burns quicker now, with a second hand
As the cord pulls tighter
I'm going to be as hot as Gen from Genitorturers.
Hail to the freaks
We got a freak show coming