My big fuck you
You know what I fucking hate? Gay people who run around saying "love is love," and all that nice shit, then when you like someone of the opposite sex they become fucking assholes and call you a liar.
I never fucking lied. I fell in love and I wasn't going to lie to myself. I'm in love. And it's with a boy. I'm dating a boy who I'm in love with. I know some people seem to have issues with that. Infact I remember being on the phone with him in the hospital while he told me of a very rude comment left on my website (And yes, I found out who that was, no I wont tell you if you ask me, but I know, I'm good like that). Well, people can go fuck themselves.
I first came out as a lesbian because at the time I had no interest in boys. I thought I was liberating myself and removing labels and not being stuck in the current flow fo society. Well I was wrong. It just got me stuck more in society because people couldn't handle the fact that I would grow into a free soul and grow out of the label and see that my heart could handle a lot of shit, even the confusion of that love would eventually bring, and I would have the capability to take on what social obstacles would be thrown in my path.
I never thought that I would be called a liar by the gay community when I found out that my heart could handle more love, I never thought that a community that was about liberating yourself and knowing yourself would be against me for doing that very thing.
I remember being in O Naturals and talking to a woman who said she never felt right in the gay community because she was bisexual and the gay community looked down on her for it. Well, people can go fuck themselves.
The only reason I even undeleted this journal was so someone could read into it, someone who wanted to know who I was before they met me. But now I think it's a good time to update and address a few issues.
Now, do I consider myself bisexual? This is a big and confusing question because I do not. Nor do I consider myself a lesbian (duh). I do not consider myself bisexual because I'm not attracted to both sexes, I am not sexually attracted to males, I've just loved members of the opposite sex (2 now) and then found them attractive. It's about souls and emotions. It's about feeling so much for a person in your heart that gender doesn't matter. Why am I getting shit for this? Honestly. It's fucking ridiculous and it pisses me off.
I NEVER LIED BECAUSE I NEVER KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN, FUCKERS.
In other news, I've chosen to recover from my eating disorders because they get in the way of my relationship with the BOY I'm currently in love with. That and I want to be alright for my daughter when I finally meet her as her mother. No, I'm not doing it for myself. My boy, Ben, told me that I should be doing it for myself, but if I was doing it for myself then I'd be restricting and throwing up everything I do eat. So whatever. I'm even fatter now and I'm sick of it, but I'm also sick of hating myself and it affecting my relationships. I can imagine how hard it is for Ben to be in love with someone who constantly hates herself and will think about what she's eaten that day for hours and hours and hours. It must be hard being in love with someone whose best part of her day is when she's throwing up. I want to be able to have another daughter some day. I want to not be a disappointment for the daughter I have now and will someday meet. I also want to be thin, I also want to have control, but maybe if I can learn what a real meal is, maybe if I can control myself and my urges, maybe if my metabolism isn't dead and can kick back in, then maybe I stand a chance and can lose weight the healthy way. While losing weight the healthy way seems impossible to me and doesn't register in my head because the only thing that registers is "restricting+purging=losing weight" maybe I stand a chance if it's beaten into my brain enough. Maybe I stand a chance if I really concentrate and really try. In the hospital I was purging 3 or 4 times a day. I wouldn't touch my food and I'd get in trouble, blahblahblah. Then I went into the ED unit and gained 12 fucking pounds. Unfortunately I didn't listen to anything they said or retain any of the information I was given, and now I wish I had, oh well. I guess I'm just left to my own devices now. Because I've gained so much weight I feel a relapse coming on, but I'm sure it'll happen, I mean, I haven't been doing so well as it is, but maybe I stand a chance beating the relapse.
Anyways, I think this is long enough now. I'm done.
I never fucking lied. I fell in love and I wasn't going to lie to myself. I'm in love. And it's with a boy. I'm dating a boy who I'm in love with. I know some people seem to have issues with that. Infact I remember being on the phone with him in the hospital while he told me of a very rude comment left on my website (And yes, I found out who that was, no I wont tell you if you ask me, but I know, I'm good like that). Well, people can go fuck themselves.
I first came out as a lesbian because at the time I had no interest in boys. I thought I was liberating myself and removing labels and not being stuck in the current flow fo society. Well I was wrong. It just got me stuck more in society because people couldn't handle the fact that I would grow into a free soul and grow out of the label and see that my heart could handle a lot of shit, even the confusion of that love would eventually bring, and I would have the capability to take on what social obstacles would be thrown in my path.
I never thought that I would be called a liar by the gay community when I found out that my heart could handle more love, I never thought that a community that was about liberating yourself and knowing yourself would be against me for doing that very thing.
I remember being in O Naturals and talking to a woman who said she never felt right in the gay community because she was bisexual and the gay community looked down on her for it. Well, people can go fuck themselves.
The only reason I even undeleted this journal was so someone could read into it, someone who wanted to know who I was before they met me. But now I think it's a good time to update and address a few issues.
Now, do I consider myself bisexual? This is a big and confusing question because I do not. Nor do I consider myself a lesbian (duh). I do not consider myself bisexual because I'm not attracted to both sexes, I am not sexually attracted to males, I've just loved members of the opposite sex (2 now) and then found them attractive. It's about souls and emotions. It's about feeling so much for a person in your heart that gender doesn't matter. Why am I getting shit for this? Honestly. It's fucking ridiculous and it pisses me off.
I NEVER LIED BECAUSE I NEVER KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN, FUCKERS.
In other news, I've chosen to recover from my eating disorders because they get in the way of my relationship with the BOY I'm currently in love with. That and I want to be alright for my daughter when I finally meet her as her mother. No, I'm not doing it for myself. My boy, Ben, told me that I should be doing it for myself, but if I was doing it for myself then I'd be restricting and throwing up everything I do eat. So whatever. I'm even fatter now and I'm sick of it, but I'm also sick of hating myself and it affecting my relationships. I can imagine how hard it is for Ben to be in love with someone who constantly hates herself and will think about what she's eaten that day for hours and hours and hours. It must be hard being in love with someone whose best part of her day is when she's throwing up. I want to be able to have another daughter some day. I want to not be a disappointment for the daughter I have now and will someday meet. I also want to be thin, I also want to have control, but maybe if I can learn what a real meal is, maybe if I can control myself and my urges, maybe if my metabolism isn't dead and can kick back in, then maybe I stand a chance and can lose weight the healthy way. While losing weight the healthy way seems impossible to me and doesn't register in my head because the only thing that registers is "restricting+purging=losing weight" maybe I stand a chance if it's beaten into my brain enough. Maybe I stand a chance if I really concentrate and really try. In the hospital I was purging 3 or 4 times a day. I wouldn't touch my food and I'd get in trouble, blahblahblah. Then I went into the ED unit and gained 12 fucking pounds. Unfortunately I didn't listen to anything they said or retain any of the information I was given, and now I wish I had, oh well. I guess I'm just left to my own devices now. Because I've gained so much weight I feel a relapse coming on, but I'm sure it'll happen, I mean, I haven't been doing so well as it is, but maybe I stand a chance beating the relapse.
Anyways, I think this is long enough now. I'm done.