Non-Journal Entry
Sahara took a deep breath as she left her room. Making her way to Willow's room, she fought back her nervousness, her overwhelming feeling that she was somehow going to say the wrong thing. She paused momentarily outside the older witch's door, reminding herself that Willow was her dear friend, and would love her no matter what stupid thing she said. Resolving herself, she knocked quietly on the door.
Willow stood in front of the mirror that hung on her wall and studied the fading bruise on her face. She was nervous about seeing Dawn later, and didn't want the color that still traced her cheek to upset her. Willow almost didn't hear the knock, she was so lost in thought. "Come in?"
Sahara reached for the doorknob, turning it gently with a slight twist of her wrist as she slowly pushed the door open, peeking her head in slightly. She smiled at Willow's reflection in the mirror, and slipped all the way into the room, walking towards Willow but stopping a few feet away. "Hey, Willow." She said softly.
Willow saw Sahara's reflection first. It was strange, looking forward, but seeing her old friend behind her. It was how she had been looking at everyone in her life the past month, fully expecting that the past was all that was left. Memories, echoes...reflections. She had given up on the future. Willow met Sahara's eyes in the beveled mirror and realized how much she hated the view she had created for herself, out of loss and weakness. Another lesson learned she turned, offering a smile to her friend. "Sahara."
Sahara watched Willow intently, somewhat curiously, trying to read her thoughts through the expressions on her face. She tried to feel what Willow felt, as the silence hung over them like a still canopy. Sahara knew of course that there was no way to read another person thoughts, and even less of a possibility to ever know how what they were feeling. Whereas death was the great equalizer, human emotion was the great divider, seperating us all from each other. It saddened her slightly, to know that as much as you could love or care for someone, or vice versa, there were just some things that couldn't be shared. Pain was a cross we all were to bear alone. It seemed Willow's cross weighed heavier than most. Shaking herself from her thoughts, she smiled back at Willow. She bit her lower lip for a second, eyeing the residual bruises. After a moment she stepped forward and carefully wrapped her old friend up in a warm, but gentle embrace. "I missed you." She whispered.
Just like the hug from Giles, Willow welcomed Sahara's arms. And even though she couldn't shake the guilt that still twisted through her over her stolen freedom, Willow smiled into Sahara's hair. For both of them. "I missed you too." It was just another failure that Willow recognized she didn't realize how much that statement was true until now. Gently she untangled herself, reaching down to clasp one of Sahara's hands within her own. "But why are you here?" She wanted to ask if everything was alright, but wasn't sure if she had that right anymore. All she could do was hope that Sahara understood.
Sahara took a deep breath, and slowly exhaled it. She felt slightly overwhelmed, caught between not wanting to lie to Willow, or even hide the subtlest details from her, and also knowing that she had been through too much herself to probably hear how very dark the world had become. It seemed to be a regret filled moment on both sides. Weighing the consquences of the "should haves" and the "would haves" and the "could haves." But instead, being left with what had really been done. The full weight of Sahara's withdrawal from the world finally hit her. She had never looked at it from anything other than a selfish point of view. Now, she suddenly knew that it's effects were more far reaching than just her. "Well..." She started slowly. "I just... wasn't happy, you know, in Las Vegas. I haven't been since the time I first came out here, as you probably remember. And now, well, now I'm finally eighteen and can do what I want, and what I want is to be here." She said, truthfully. She squeezed Willow's hand. "You and Fiona are my family, pretty much all I have left in this world. And I want to be near you both." She said, holding off the heavier things for a later time.
First Fiona, then Faith and now Sahara. They had all spoken in half truths to her, and Willow had easily fallen into answering back in kind. It wasn't right or what her friends deserved, but Willow just didn't have the strength to fight it. Not yet. Giles had been honest with her, but with it she had also felt his blind belief in her strength as well. Unspoken words, or unfettered faith, Willow wasn't sure which one she feared more, or how to fix it. The only think she was sure of was that it was becoming clear she would have to try. "Well, I am sure you have heard a thing or two about me from Fiona, but I am glad you are here. I am glad that she is here too...Fiona. I really should tell her that. It is good...to have you near."
Sahara nodded. "I've heard some things, yes. I think we all kinda... slipped... to the darkness a little bit." She shook her head. "But, you know, we can talk about that whenever you're ready. I mean, I know you probably have people lining up to hear you out when you're ready to be heard and all... But I, um, I really mean it when I say that anything you need, to talk, to cry, to just... completely fall apart, if you have to... I'm here for you, Willow. I know I haven't been the best friend to anyone, especially you or Fiona these past few months, but nothing changes the fact that I am consummately here for you. Which, isn't to say you necessarily have to talk to me, of course. Just that... my door's always open." She said, mentally kicking herself for sounding so trite and for the slight overflow of words. She hadn't been counting on the fact that she would be so emotional, or that it would all come bubbling up like that. Something about being near her old friend, closer than e-mails and phone calls, shed new light on so much. But she was afraid she'd come off half as crazy as she had been feeling lately. "It's good to have you near too." She said, smiling slightly.
Willow smiled sadly. She knew that she was blessed by the friends that filled her life. They were why her decision to stay at the council had been both so hard, and so crucial. Letting them go, it had ripped half of herself away. All of her really. And now she was back, trying to rebuild with whatever bits and peices were left, and those same friends were there. They were wonderful, cring, inspiring, and full of unconditional support. Everything that had made Willow love them in the first place. But they also saw everything, even what she wanted to hide, and Goddess how that frightened her. "You're right, the his and hellos are most of what I have in me right now. Somethings, I just can't talk bout them yet...I'm sorry. But when I am ready, and I do think that ready is possibility again, I will be at your door. Well, you still might have to chase me down even then, but how about I let myself get caught?" Willow hoped that would be enough. "I haven't been a friend to anyone eiether, not for a while. So...I'm sorry too." A wry smile cast itself over Willow's features. "Who would have ever thought I would look back at the time when we first met as a simpler time?"
Sahara smiled sympathetically at Willow, completely understanding the need to hold it in for a little while. It was something they had in common, and though it kept a distance between them, it made her feel less alone. Which, hadn't really seemed possible until she came here. Her eyes lit up when Willow said she would let herself be caught, and she nodded. "Well, as long as you'll let me catch you." She said. She frowned slightly. "Just as long as you don't... leave." She said quietly, instantly regretting it. "I just, like having you around, is all." She said as her apology. She laughed dryly at Willow's last comment. "It didn't seem so simple then, that's for sure." She said, remembering the events that had transpired when they had first met and became friends. "But it seems you don't really know what simple is, until it gets to times like these. Like, maybe complexity or complication is a prerequisite to being able to understand and appreciate just what simplicity really is. And it just keeps evolving." She said, biting her lower lip. "There are days I think I'd like to go back to that point in my life, and just re-live it. To do it over again, and maybe make different choices. Maybe to have just stayed here. And then there are other days when I just... know somehow, that this is who I am, and this what my life was destined to be. And all I know is, I'm going to get through another day. Even that in itself seems rather simplistic, but it feels like so much more. Still, I know, whatever has happened, and whoever we are today, is the way it was written to be. It's hard, but I can often reconcile myself to that fact."
"I'm not going anywhere," Willow whispered softly as she moved to sit on the bed, as it that would help make her point. In the past few dats...it wasn't that she felt trapped, just tied down. Connections were being reformed, and already Willow knew she wouldn't be able to leave them behind. Unless her presence threatened her friends in any way, because then there would be no choice. "We never do appreciate what we have, so we? Pain can become more painful, Loss can become losses, death cane become something even worse still. It's more than a lesson in school, it's real. That's what I have come to accept these past few years, and espcially in the last month. There is no ceiling in life, and just when there can't be anything more, there will be. And I don't know how to fight that, but I am trying to learn. And if all those lessons were meant to put me here right now, like this...I can accept that. But only if I can figure out what I am suuposed to do with the results -- me. "
Sahara listened attentitively, her eyes carefully watching every nuance of emotion on Willow's face. It was painful to watch, for the hurt, the sheer sorrow that her friend must have been feeling then was damn near palpable, and it almost cut her deep down into her own marrow. The part of her that was still so young wanted to throw itself down on the floor amidst the broken glass of shattered dreams and scream and cry about how unfair it all was. How much none of them deserved this. How she hated seeing her friends suffer. But the part of her that had been wisened up through the years, that had made her skin thicker, that made her inherently older kept hold of her, and she found herself wandering over to where Willow sat, as she turned slightly, and sank softly down beside her. "You'll figure it out." She promised. "Sometimes it takes so long to get used to the changes, to who we have become despite our very best intentions to remain who we've always been. But, I think, and I know I haven't been around enough to have a worthy opinion, but to me, no matter what storms you have weathered, you are still the same old Willow inside. The same brave, powerful girl who helped keep the world from ending, even before she knew she had any real power. The girl who made my life so much easier, just by being in it, when I was avery lost and frightened girl most others couldn't be bothered to deal with. The same Willow who is maybe just kinda hidden beneath the snow, for right now. If nothing else, I can't imagine the end product of a trialed-by-fire Willow being anything less than a stronger, wiser, more amazing Willow."
"People keep telling me that." Willow fought back a doubtful laugh, she didn't want to discount her friend. "But that fire? It hurts. I am tired of the hurting. When I stopped caring, the hurting stopped some too. Only then I didn't feel anything at all, and I know that is wrong. I..." Willow stopped short, blinking once, then twice. "You always were talented Sahara. Then, and especially now. You got me talking about all this. I guess I am lucky I have a dinner date with Giles and can try a little of that running I mentioned earlier." That didn't sound quite right. "I will be back though, and maybe I will even walk myself right to your room. Let you 'catch' me there. We can talk more then. Is that alright?"
Sahara felt horrible as she listened to Willow speak. Again, reaching down to the marrow, the pain that she felt for her friend. Someone so high in her esteem, and whom she felt deserved nothing but the good life, and all it's trappings. It's never easy to know someone you care about is hurting. It's even less easy when that pain is written across every line in their face, every movement of their eyes, every visible trace bearing it's sad watermark. She wanted to say something, to interject with reassurances. But she also wanted Willow to have the chance to let it flow. Processing it was so much easier when it was unbroken. She smiled at the mention of Willow's plans, and nodded. "That's perfectly alright with me, Willow. I'm glad to see you going out, having fun. And, whenever you're ready to be caught, I'll have my butterfly net." She promised, patting Willow's knee as she stood up.
Willow stood as well, reaching hug Sahara once more. "I am glad you came by. It was hard knowing you were here but not being sure what to do about it. I'll be first step girl next time, I promise. Maybe you won't even need that net." Willow turned, picking up the keys to the front door Fiona had left her in trust, but paused before she reached the hallway. "Thank you."
Sahara smiled sheepishly and nodded, after returning the hug. "Sorry for not coming earlier. The adjustment from Las Vegas time to England time left me a little more jetlagged than I had expected, so I've kinda been sleeping it off and trying to get accustomed to this time zone." She explained, knowing full well she should have came to see Willow first thing anyways. All seemed forgiven, so she decided not to press the issue in light of that fact. "You're welcome." She replied. "Have fun." She said, biting back the 'be safe' that was about to follow, as she watched Willow begin to descend the stairs.
Willow paused at the door, studying the light through the bottom. It would be her first time outdoors since arriving at Fiona's. I seemed time though. "With Dawn there, I think fun is a requirement, if she has her way that is. But, I will give you a full report when I get back." And with that, Willow slipped outside, surprised to find her steps lighter.
Willow stood in front of the mirror that hung on her wall and studied the fading bruise on her face. She was nervous about seeing Dawn later, and didn't want the color that still traced her cheek to upset her. Willow almost didn't hear the knock, she was so lost in thought. "Come in?"
Sahara reached for the doorknob, turning it gently with a slight twist of her wrist as she slowly pushed the door open, peeking her head in slightly. She smiled at Willow's reflection in the mirror, and slipped all the way into the room, walking towards Willow but stopping a few feet away. "Hey, Willow." She said softly.
Willow saw Sahara's reflection first. It was strange, looking forward, but seeing her old friend behind her. It was how she had been looking at everyone in her life the past month, fully expecting that the past was all that was left. Memories, echoes...reflections. She had given up on the future. Willow met Sahara's eyes in the beveled mirror and realized how much she hated the view she had created for herself, out of loss and weakness. Another lesson learned she turned, offering a smile to her friend. "Sahara."
Sahara watched Willow intently, somewhat curiously, trying to read her thoughts through the expressions on her face. She tried to feel what Willow felt, as the silence hung over them like a still canopy. Sahara knew of course that there was no way to read another person thoughts, and even less of a possibility to ever know how what they were feeling. Whereas death was the great equalizer, human emotion was the great divider, seperating us all from each other. It saddened her slightly, to know that as much as you could love or care for someone, or vice versa, there were just some things that couldn't be shared. Pain was a cross we all were to bear alone. It seemed Willow's cross weighed heavier than most. Shaking herself from her thoughts, she smiled back at Willow. She bit her lower lip for a second, eyeing the residual bruises. After a moment she stepped forward and carefully wrapped her old friend up in a warm, but gentle embrace. "I missed you." She whispered.
Just like the hug from Giles, Willow welcomed Sahara's arms. And even though she couldn't shake the guilt that still twisted through her over her stolen freedom, Willow smiled into Sahara's hair. For both of them. "I missed you too." It was just another failure that Willow recognized she didn't realize how much that statement was true until now. Gently she untangled herself, reaching down to clasp one of Sahara's hands within her own. "But why are you here?" She wanted to ask if everything was alright, but wasn't sure if she had that right anymore. All she could do was hope that Sahara understood.
Sahara took a deep breath, and slowly exhaled it. She felt slightly overwhelmed, caught between not wanting to lie to Willow, or even hide the subtlest details from her, and also knowing that she had been through too much herself to probably hear how very dark the world had become. It seemed to be a regret filled moment on both sides. Weighing the consquences of the "should haves" and the "would haves" and the "could haves." But instead, being left with what had really been done. The full weight of Sahara's withdrawal from the world finally hit her. She had never looked at it from anything other than a selfish point of view. Now, she suddenly knew that it's effects were more far reaching than just her. "Well..." She started slowly. "I just... wasn't happy, you know, in Las Vegas. I haven't been since the time I first came out here, as you probably remember. And now, well, now I'm finally eighteen and can do what I want, and what I want is to be here." She said, truthfully. She squeezed Willow's hand. "You and Fiona are my family, pretty much all I have left in this world. And I want to be near you both." She said, holding off the heavier things for a later time.
First Fiona, then Faith and now Sahara. They had all spoken in half truths to her, and Willow had easily fallen into answering back in kind. It wasn't right or what her friends deserved, but Willow just didn't have the strength to fight it. Not yet. Giles had been honest with her, but with it she had also felt his blind belief in her strength as well. Unspoken words, or unfettered faith, Willow wasn't sure which one she feared more, or how to fix it. The only think she was sure of was that it was becoming clear she would have to try. "Well, I am sure you have heard a thing or two about me from Fiona, but I am glad you are here. I am glad that she is here too...Fiona. I really should tell her that. It is good...to have you near."
Sahara nodded. "I've heard some things, yes. I think we all kinda... slipped... to the darkness a little bit." She shook her head. "But, you know, we can talk about that whenever you're ready. I mean, I know you probably have people lining up to hear you out when you're ready to be heard and all... But I, um, I really mean it when I say that anything you need, to talk, to cry, to just... completely fall apart, if you have to... I'm here for you, Willow. I know I haven't been the best friend to anyone, especially you or Fiona these past few months, but nothing changes the fact that I am consummately here for you. Which, isn't to say you necessarily have to talk to me, of course. Just that... my door's always open." She said, mentally kicking herself for sounding so trite and for the slight overflow of words. She hadn't been counting on the fact that she would be so emotional, or that it would all come bubbling up like that. Something about being near her old friend, closer than e-mails and phone calls, shed new light on so much. But she was afraid she'd come off half as crazy as she had been feeling lately. "It's good to have you near too." She said, smiling slightly.
Willow smiled sadly. She knew that she was blessed by the friends that filled her life. They were why her decision to stay at the council had been both so hard, and so crucial. Letting them go, it had ripped half of herself away. All of her really. And now she was back, trying to rebuild with whatever bits and peices were left, and those same friends were there. They were wonderful, cring, inspiring, and full of unconditional support. Everything that had made Willow love them in the first place. But they also saw everything, even what she wanted to hide, and Goddess how that frightened her. "You're right, the his and hellos are most of what I have in me right now. Somethings, I just can't talk bout them yet...I'm sorry. But when I am ready, and I do think that ready is possibility again, I will be at your door. Well, you still might have to chase me down even then, but how about I let myself get caught?" Willow hoped that would be enough. "I haven't been a friend to anyone eiether, not for a while. So...I'm sorry too." A wry smile cast itself over Willow's features. "Who would have ever thought I would look back at the time when we first met as a simpler time?"
Sahara smiled sympathetically at Willow, completely understanding the need to hold it in for a little while. It was something they had in common, and though it kept a distance between them, it made her feel less alone. Which, hadn't really seemed possible until she came here. Her eyes lit up when Willow said she would let herself be caught, and she nodded. "Well, as long as you'll let me catch you." She said. She frowned slightly. "Just as long as you don't... leave." She said quietly, instantly regretting it. "I just, like having you around, is all." She said as her apology. She laughed dryly at Willow's last comment. "It didn't seem so simple then, that's for sure." She said, remembering the events that had transpired when they had first met and became friends. "But it seems you don't really know what simple is, until it gets to times like these. Like, maybe complexity or complication is a prerequisite to being able to understand and appreciate just what simplicity really is. And it just keeps evolving." She said, biting her lower lip. "There are days I think I'd like to go back to that point in my life, and just re-live it. To do it over again, and maybe make different choices. Maybe to have just stayed here. And then there are other days when I just... know somehow, that this is who I am, and this what my life was destined to be. And all I know is, I'm going to get through another day. Even that in itself seems rather simplistic, but it feels like so much more. Still, I know, whatever has happened, and whoever we are today, is the way it was written to be. It's hard, but I can often reconcile myself to that fact."
"I'm not going anywhere," Willow whispered softly as she moved to sit on the bed, as it that would help make her point. In the past few dats...it wasn't that she felt trapped, just tied down. Connections were being reformed, and already Willow knew she wouldn't be able to leave them behind. Unless her presence threatened her friends in any way, because then there would be no choice. "We never do appreciate what we have, so we? Pain can become more painful, Loss can become losses, death cane become something even worse still. It's more than a lesson in school, it's real. That's what I have come to accept these past few years, and espcially in the last month. There is no ceiling in life, and just when there can't be anything more, there will be. And I don't know how to fight that, but I am trying to learn. And if all those lessons were meant to put me here right now, like this...I can accept that. But only if I can figure out what I am suuposed to do with the results -- me. "
Sahara listened attentitively, her eyes carefully watching every nuance of emotion on Willow's face. It was painful to watch, for the hurt, the sheer sorrow that her friend must have been feeling then was damn near palpable, and it almost cut her deep down into her own marrow. The part of her that was still so young wanted to throw itself down on the floor amidst the broken glass of shattered dreams and scream and cry about how unfair it all was. How much none of them deserved this. How she hated seeing her friends suffer. But the part of her that had been wisened up through the years, that had made her skin thicker, that made her inherently older kept hold of her, and she found herself wandering over to where Willow sat, as she turned slightly, and sank softly down beside her. "You'll figure it out." She promised. "Sometimes it takes so long to get used to the changes, to who we have become despite our very best intentions to remain who we've always been. But, I think, and I know I haven't been around enough to have a worthy opinion, but to me, no matter what storms you have weathered, you are still the same old Willow inside. The same brave, powerful girl who helped keep the world from ending, even before she knew she had any real power. The girl who made my life so much easier, just by being in it, when I was avery lost and frightened girl most others couldn't be bothered to deal with. The same Willow who is maybe just kinda hidden beneath the snow, for right now. If nothing else, I can't imagine the end product of a trialed-by-fire Willow being anything less than a stronger, wiser, more amazing Willow."
"People keep telling me that." Willow fought back a doubtful laugh, she didn't want to discount her friend. "But that fire? It hurts. I am tired of the hurting. When I stopped caring, the hurting stopped some too. Only then I didn't feel anything at all, and I know that is wrong. I..." Willow stopped short, blinking once, then twice. "You always were talented Sahara. Then, and especially now. You got me talking about all this. I guess I am lucky I have a dinner date with Giles and can try a little of that running I mentioned earlier." That didn't sound quite right. "I will be back though, and maybe I will even walk myself right to your room. Let you 'catch' me there. We can talk more then. Is that alright?"
Sahara felt horrible as she listened to Willow speak. Again, reaching down to the marrow, the pain that she felt for her friend. Someone so high in her esteem, and whom she felt deserved nothing but the good life, and all it's trappings. It's never easy to know someone you care about is hurting. It's even less easy when that pain is written across every line in their face, every movement of their eyes, every visible trace bearing it's sad watermark. She wanted to say something, to interject with reassurances. But she also wanted Willow to have the chance to let it flow. Processing it was so much easier when it was unbroken. She smiled at the mention of Willow's plans, and nodded. "That's perfectly alright with me, Willow. I'm glad to see you going out, having fun. And, whenever you're ready to be caught, I'll have my butterfly net." She promised, patting Willow's knee as she stood up.
Willow stood as well, reaching hug Sahara once more. "I am glad you came by. It was hard knowing you were here but not being sure what to do about it. I'll be first step girl next time, I promise. Maybe you won't even need that net." Willow turned, picking up the keys to the front door Fiona had left her in trust, but paused before she reached the hallway. "Thank you."
Sahara smiled sheepishly and nodded, after returning the hug. "Sorry for not coming earlier. The adjustment from Las Vegas time to England time left me a little more jetlagged than I had expected, so I've kinda been sleeping it off and trying to get accustomed to this time zone." She explained, knowing full well she should have came to see Willow first thing anyways. All seemed forgiven, so she decided not to press the issue in light of that fact. "You're welcome." She replied. "Have fun." She said, biting back the 'be safe' that was about to follow, as she watched Willow begin to descend the stairs.
Willow paused at the door, studying the light through the bottom. It would be her first time outdoors since arriving at Fiona's. I seemed time though. "With Dawn there, I think fun is a requirement, if she has her way that is. But, I will give you a full report when I get back." And with that, Willow slipped outside, surprised to find her steps lighter.