(no subject)
Why do I have this feeling nagging at me that writing everything I'm feeling down on either paper or into a rich text textbox is going to make my life better? Is it a sense of reassurance, maybe, that I'm just seeking, or is it something deeper? Is it just that...I want to discover who I am before I make another big mistake in my life? So here's a warning, I'm going to ramble on, because I absolutely feel the need to process this information and thought direction somewhere else besides the chasm that is my brain.
So I guess it's just a question of turning on something atmospheric, sitting back, and listening to what I'm telling myself. Because it's about time I sat down and heart what my mind is saying to me. It seems like I've just been ignoring it all this time, for the past few weeks, I've just been tumbling slowly into an almost inescapable ravine. I'm dangling on the edge, you could say - it's a little bit to do with stress, a little bit because there's so many new directions and thoughts and feelings going through my head that I don't think the ol' human CPU can process it much longer. More or less, I think it's just a question of (as I've mentioned in an earlier post) discontinuing to worry about everyone else for a while and look at what's happening to me. I think I'm changing: becoming more bitter, more bitchy, and slightly more irritable than before. I know for a fact now that I'm more irked than I used to be - just about every little thing is setting me off these days.
One of the things thats been agitating me beyond all reason is how I'm so god damn jealous. I can't go a day without saying "God, I want to be like her..." or "Why cant I be like that?" I know, it's low self-esteem, but in the group I'm surrounded with every single waking moment of my life, I can't help it. I think its more a question of being lost inside my own head. Someone want to draw out a scaled map for me? Because I don't think I'm going to be getting out without some help.
I think I'm going to channel the rest of this wrestless creativity in writing into something. I'm not sure what yet...I think just pouring my heart out on paper is working wonders in my brain.
So here's to hoping everything works out. Oh, and BTW, a Kentucky Derby Pre-Race post from me coming shortly after this one.
So I guess it's just a question of turning on something atmospheric, sitting back, and listening to what I'm telling myself. Because it's about time I sat down and heart what my mind is saying to me. It seems like I've just been ignoring it all this time, for the past few weeks, I've just been tumbling slowly into an almost inescapable ravine. I'm dangling on the edge, you could say - it's a little bit to do with stress, a little bit because there's so many new directions and thoughts and feelings going through my head that I don't think the ol' human CPU can process it much longer. More or less, I think it's just a question of (as I've mentioned in an earlier post) discontinuing to worry about everyone else for a while and look at what's happening to me. I think I'm changing: becoming more bitter, more bitchy, and slightly more irritable than before. I know for a fact now that I'm more irked than I used to be - just about every little thing is setting me off these days.
One of the things thats been agitating me beyond all reason is how I'm so god damn jealous. I can't go a day without saying "God, I want to be like her..." or "Why cant I be like that?" I know, it's low self-esteem, but in the group I'm surrounded with every single waking moment of my life, I can't help it. I think its more a question of being lost inside my own head. Someone want to draw out a scaled map for me? Because I don't think I'm going to be getting out without some help.
I think I'm going to channel the rest of this wrestless creativity in writing into something. I'm not sure what yet...I think just pouring my heart out on paper is working wonders in my brain.
So here's to hoping everything works out. Oh, and BTW, a Kentucky Derby Pre-Race post from me coming shortly after this one.