laugh a spineless laugh.
I always fucking worry about everyone else. I hate it.
I had such a great day today. Two awesome shows, a bunch of awesome laughs, but at the same time I've been surpressing so much lately - so much that I've gone through and the emotions and feelings that come along with them have just been sitting there in my head, festering like a most infected wound. And I'm sick of it. I fucking am. Because when it comes out, it brings me down to the worst level that I could possibly be at. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to see anyone, all I fucking care about is my own self misery, all because I don't give a shit about myself and I only want the best for my closest friends.
Can that really be that bad? Everyone always says to put others before yourself...but when you actually do it, and really, really think about it...where does it take you? Down the road to self destruction. I can feel it now, clinging to my stomach like a thousand worms, and every once and a while I'm fighting back a wave of nausea. A sudden sickness, my gut sinking a thousand feet, and my throat clenching every time I think about it....
Why do I worry so much about one certain person? It's not even my responsability, or my right. I'm not their mother, I'm not their guardian. I'm their friend...it's not my job. But at the same time, can it not help that I discourage completely falsified activities that I deem my friend far better than to do? Fuck, you're so much better than that - don't go to the level which will just lead you down the wrong path. You have so much potential but you just don't see it. I hate it when you put yourself down, like you hate it when I do it to myself. But you have to LISTEN to me when I say that please, don't do this. I know it's one small thing, but that one small thing can have an effect on the rest of your (and my own) life.
And truth be told, I don't want to lose you.
That's why I'm so worried.
Please, just hear me out - I'm here for you, every step of the way. Even if you decide to go ahead and go through with your plans, just remember me and don't forget that I'm waiting to hear from you. I'm not wanting to be your mother, or your guardian, I'm just wanting to show you that I care.
And really, is there anything wrong with that?
Is it really wrong for me to admit to you that yes, I love you?
Because I do. And I couldn't have it any other way.
I've gone to far now. Far too far for the subject at hand. But it feels better to have written about it - it's like a weight taken off of my shoulders, but a burden still on my heart. And even if you don't see this...still, it's here.
I had such a great day today. Two awesome shows, a bunch of awesome laughs, but at the same time I've been surpressing so much lately - so much that I've gone through and the emotions and feelings that come along with them have just been sitting there in my head, festering like a most infected wound. And I'm sick of it. I fucking am. Because when it comes out, it brings me down to the worst level that I could possibly be at. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to see anyone, all I fucking care about is my own self misery, all because I don't give a shit about myself and I only want the best for my closest friends.
Can that really be that bad? Everyone always says to put others before yourself...but when you actually do it, and really, really think about it...where does it take you? Down the road to self destruction. I can feel it now, clinging to my stomach like a thousand worms, and every once and a while I'm fighting back a wave of nausea. A sudden sickness, my gut sinking a thousand feet, and my throat clenching every time I think about it....
Why do I worry so much about one certain person? It's not even my responsability, or my right. I'm not their mother, I'm not their guardian. I'm their friend...it's not my job. But at the same time, can it not help that I discourage completely falsified activities that I deem my friend far better than to do? Fuck, you're so much better than that - don't go to the level which will just lead you down the wrong path. You have so much potential but you just don't see it. I hate it when you put yourself down, like you hate it when I do it to myself. But you have to LISTEN to me when I say that please, don't do this. I know it's one small thing, but that one small thing can have an effect on the rest of your (and my own) life.
And truth be told, I don't want to lose you.
That's why I'm so worried.
Please, just hear me out - I'm here for you, every step of the way. Even if you decide to go ahead and go through with your plans, just remember me and don't forget that I'm waiting to hear from you. I'm not wanting to be your mother, or your guardian, I'm just wanting to show you that I care.
And really, is there anything wrong with that?
Is it really wrong for me to admit to you that yes, I love you?
Because I do. And I couldn't have it any other way.
I've gone to far now. Far too far for the subject at hand. But it feels better to have written about it - it's like a weight taken off of my shoulders, but a burden still on my heart. And even if you don't see this...still, it's here.