(no subject)
i slept in for the first time in months. had to get up at 6am in jail, and still do in here. before rehab i wasnt really sleeping at all though so even if i had the chance i couldnt. they would put us back in lockdown after breakfast around 7 and everyone would go back to sleep until lunch and i would just lay there watching the sun climb reaaaal sloooow, burning my eyes out. fuck jail.
anyway, the rest that came with getting to sleep in was counteracted by the shitty dreams i keep having. it's like the only dreams i remember these days are bad, bad, bad ones. this one had me crying, boohooing uncontrollably, because i felt like i killed my best friend just because i never supported psychiatric medicine and now that ive experienced its effects i wish i would have gotten him to try. what the fuck?? not that i killed him, but that i didnt do everything i could to keep him here. i wonder if this is completely self-inflicted. i dont trust myself with myself anymore. i really never let myself do all the what ifs and would'ves but, fuck, why am i doing this to myself now, in my sleep? did i really not do it enough? and then i was at the grocery store with my mom and got caught stealing reeses cups and put in handcuffs and got mad at my mom for crying. im splitting.
really though, when waking life is shit, and your dreams are equishit, where do you fucking go? i guess this is where foresight comes in. if i can just make it through a few more months of bullshit i'll get to a point where i can actually have some control over my life. apparently quick fixes lead to long clean ups. just cant expect too much or ill get all let down and fuckitall-ish. nasty bitch of a cycle.
anyway, the rest that came with getting to sleep in was counteracted by the shitty dreams i keep having. it's like the only dreams i remember these days are bad, bad, bad ones. this one had me crying, boohooing uncontrollably, because i felt like i killed my best friend just because i never supported psychiatric medicine and now that ive experienced its effects i wish i would have gotten him to try. what the fuck?? not that i killed him, but that i didnt do everything i could to keep him here. i wonder if this is completely self-inflicted. i dont trust myself with myself anymore. i really never let myself do all the what ifs and would'ves but, fuck, why am i doing this to myself now, in my sleep? did i really not do it enough? and then i was at the grocery store with my mom and got caught stealing reeses cups and put in handcuffs and got mad at my mom for crying. im splitting.
really though, when waking life is shit, and your dreams are equishit, where do you fucking go? i guess this is where foresight comes in. if i can just make it through a few more months of bullshit i'll get to a point where i can actually have some control over my life. apparently quick fixes lead to long clean ups. just cant expect too much or ill get all let down and fuckitall-ish. nasty bitch of a cycle.