Comments | xxanti_narbxx: This Isn't Funny At All.

xxanti_narbxx

This Isn't Funny At All.

Jul 27, 2008 05:37

I hate my body so much. I'm not even kidding. It pisses me off to even look in the mirror. No one even knows I feel this way about myself. I've tried telling my friend how much I wish I could just lose weight and never put it back on. My friend acts like she thinks that I'm just kidding. The truth is, I'm not kiddng ( Read more... )

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noteto__self July 27 2008, 21:53:46 UTC

ugh bb. just, *snuggles*
i know that the most i can do is try and keep you motivated, but even that's hard to do sometimes.

you can get through this <3

xxanti_narbxx July 28 2008, 04:54:23 UTC

Thanks. *snuggels back*
Thank you,bb.
Just I don't really know if this crap is really worth all it.

noteto__self July 28 2008, 05:03:53 UTC

no one ever does, and that's the worst part of it all. searching for a perfection that you'll never reach, fighting for control that you break on a whim because you're only human..
and when you do get down to a weight that you're happier with, you still won't be happy because there's that thought, that knowledge, that "i got this far, how much further can i go?"
but there's always the doubt, always. is it worth it to isolate yourself from everyone that cares about you so you can self-destruct quietly without anyone worrying? well, maybe, because there's the chance that when you're done self-destructing, when you've torn everything down, torn yourself apart, you can go somewhere new and start again, gain some new friendships, maintain instead of losing or gaining. but you never know, because you might never get there.

xxanti_narbxx July 28 2008, 05:16:34 UTC

That's exactly how I feel. I want to be perfect, no flaws at all. I don't have any control in my life so I think that control of my body is the best. It's MY body, I can decide what goes into it, how it looks, and so much more ( ... )

noteto__self July 28 2008, 05:28:49 UTC

the minute you even think about not eating, about purging (just one meal, just one time) it's with you till the end.
humanity as a whole is flawed, with the constant change, the constant desire to be better, be richer, have more things, greater technology. but it's desperately apparent to those of us who have ed's.
and is the risk worth it? for you, i have no idea. but for me it is. i want nothing more than to be out of here, so i can self destruct even further and just not care. i mean, i love my friends, but i'm constantly changing and meeting people that match me better.

i don't know, it's all on you. i'll still be here, whatever you decide, and you never know, some of your RL friends might stick with you. as for family, family is notoriously shit, in my experience.

xxanti_narbxx July 28 2008, 05:43:34 UTC

I've been purging for almost a year. I feel that there is no way out. It's always going to be with me. Always going to be that fire that needs to be burned.
Humanity sucks, in my personal opinion. Everyone wants to better themselves. But no one ever seems to be truly happy. it seems like happiness is nothing but an act. Really, is anyone truly happy?
The risk maybe worth it, but im still unsure. I love the feeling I get from self destruct. It isn't good for me, but I love it. I want nothing more than to let my disorder win. Honestly, no one in this town is one of my true friends. I don't think we're compatable for eachother at all. I don't think they really care about me.
Thank you for being here. It's nice to know that someone cares. Even if they live all the way in Australia. I agree completely, family is shit. My family has never done anything for me besides make me feel worse about myself. I just think broken homes are in my blood or something.

noteto__self July 28 2008, 05:50:57 UTC

i've been restricting on and off for 3. and truthfully, i don't want to let that go, i don't want to be healthy or normal or any of that. self destruction tastes so much sweeter than any food ever could.
we all of us are masochists. life is an eternal search for happiness. everyone's a buddhist in their own way really. (i still need to write that comparison essay, shit)
i only fit in temporarily. and then i change and drift and things don't fit anymore. i don't fit.
your friends probably do care, even in some minimal way, unless they're completely stuck up, pretentious whores.

<33

xxanti_narbxx July 28 2008, 06:04:59 UTC

I used to restict when I was about 15. I like being abnormal. My disorder makes me feel better than anything ever could. I get like, a high after purging.
Everyone wants to make themselves happy. They don't care who they use to get there. I don't think I'm ever going to find my happiness. It isn't in the near future for sure.
Same with me. I'm constantly changing. I lose interest in almost everytihng. I can'r seem to fit in for long.
I really doubt they care. They don't really shoe any emotion to me and whatI do. i was just talking to my closest friend about how i was afraid to get fat and she changed the subject really quick to how sad it is that her cousin lost the last softball game.

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