selfish lover commits murder suicide
I haven't updated for a long time. Times have certainly not been uneventful, but...I just haven't been inspired to write here. By now, those of you who have read most of my little entries will have realized I tend to write in times of saddness, grief, agony, etc. That would be an excellent assumption. Anyway, on with the show.
I have a girlfriend named Carrie. She's not really a "girlfriend". She's my lover, my best friend, my confidant, my inspiration, my everything. Everything in me that is, poetically speaking, my heart is Carrie. My sun and moon set and rise over her. My world doesn't exist without her. So, as you can see, the term "girlfriend" is totally inadequate in describing my feelings towards her.
Carrie makes me happier than I've ever been in my life. Ever. She can make me smile when other things in my life are falling to jagged, bloody pieces around me. She can make me laugh with only a glance from her sparkling eyes of burning emerald fire. And she can make me feel so fucking free when the oppressive weight of the outside world forms chains around me and fastens me to a pillar made of doubt and defeat. She sets me free....from the world, from my parents, from the expectations of others, from myself.
Have you ever loved someone so much? Have you ever felt so loved? It burns, it does. And you feel lucky to bathe in those flames, smiling as your skin melts away and who you were before is turned to ash. Have you ever risen from the ashes of love's fire? Changed into something stronger? The scars of the past melt away with your used-up flesh and, while still remembered are merely bleak mockeries in the eyes of this passion. I wonder if any of you have ever felt this truth? Have you ever been so in love?
I can say, with all the certainty in my soul and without even a single hesitant thought, that YES....yes I've bathed in her fire. I never looked back since that very first day, that first and only combustion. And with the same truth, and the same certainty, I can tell you that I never will.
Carrie is my One. She's the only truth I've ever known and the only road I ever want to travel on.
I desire, no, I NEED to make her happy. Someone so special, someone so...vivid...she deserves it all. I want her to go through life beside me, and I want her to have all that the world can give. All that I can give. If she would let me devout my life to pleasing her, to attending her every whim, to indulging her every desire, I would do that. Just to see her smile. Just to know that I was the one who put that look of joy, of true content on her beautiful face.
I just want to make her happy. It's all I ever wanted, back to the beginning.
Pain is love? Is that what I said one time? If I was right, then I'm bursting with undescribable love at the moment. I'm shattered, really. Everything I said above is selfish. Did I once,ONCE, mention what she wanted? What she NEEDED?!
Am I the One? Am I giving her what she needs? Is she happy? What makes me think that I'm the one who can make her happiest? What makes me think I'm the one who will best go though life with her, getting and giving the most? Who am I to believe I can be the one to give her all she deserves? In my supreme arrogance....have I already failed?
There are truths I know about myself, however. My loyalty is complete and absolute. My love is real...as real anything ever will be. It's real to the point of being tangible, of being something you can see and touch. My desire is furious in its intensity and unfaltering in it's age. Compassion, concern, protectiveness, empathy, enthusiasm...they're all there, surrounding us both. I'm not the best at showing them all, but that doesn't change the fact that they're there. If my One, precious Carrie gives me the chance...my chance to let things be forever, to explore the boundries of this life, and the next...and the next...and the next...until time itself ends...well, I know I would do my best, and give my all to making her dreams come true. I would give it all to make our life the best I could. And everyday I would be just as grateful to have been given such a gift as her.
I love our relationship. It's the light i need in an otherwise darkened world. The bad and good are non-existant to me when it comes to us. We're us and, to me, it's right.
In the end, though...my love, our love, the single truth of what I know about life and living...my absolute love for Carrie goes beyond myself. Without her, I would be a withered posey. Things cant live without their sunlight...or moonlight. But, love that's real goes beyond one's selfish wants...needs. My love for her is so much bigger than me. I mean to say...I love her to the point that if I cant make her the happiest, if im not making her the happiest, then...I would withdraw into my darkness, uprooted. I would watch her soar away, with tears streaming down my face, and as she disppeared I would gladly accept the dreaded, excrutiating cold of her absence. But...I would force myself to live on, watching over her, shivering in my sorrow and hungry for an end to my final, most crippling despair. I would watch her though, for as long as my love would sustain me...and my one last hope would be that with the last sight my eyes ever had, I would once again see her smile, and know she had found her happiness, the one I maybe could never give her.
I know what I want to do for her, and I know I'll do anything to be the One for her, to give her the best anyone ever could.
To one reader, to Carrie herself, I'll say this with all the love in my heart and all the truth in my soul.
Care, you know how I feel. I know how you feel. We love each other more than anything, and I think that's something both of us know above all else. But...you need to be happy. You need to be able to trust. You need to be comfortable. All of these things, you've given to me. Happiness, trust, comfort...everything I've ever wanted and needed. And...what have I given to you...? I want you to be happy, Carrie. You're the only person I've ever loved, ever really, deep-down honest and truly loved with all of my being. Because of that, I cant hurt you like I do, without even trying...without even knowing...you deserve so much more. I'll try, baby...harder than I've ever tried anything ever before, to give you the same things that you've gifted me with...things I never thought I'd have. You didn't have to try...being with you, loving you, and being so close to you...they just rubbed off. I'll love you always, Carrington. I never want to lose you, but....it's not my greatest fear. My greatest fear, my ony fear, is that you'll stay with me and not be as happy, not get all you want and deserve, that you wont get those things you've been wanting for so long...those same things you've given me. I'll love you for always.
I have a girlfriend named Carrie. She's not really a "girlfriend". She's my lover, my best friend, my confidant, my inspiration, my everything. Everything in me that is, poetically speaking, my heart is Carrie. My sun and moon set and rise over her. My world doesn't exist without her. So, as you can see, the term "girlfriend" is totally inadequate in describing my feelings towards her.
Carrie makes me happier than I've ever been in my life. Ever. She can make me smile when other things in my life are falling to jagged, bloody pieces around me. She can make me laugh with only a glance from her sparkling eyes of burning emerald fire. And she can make me feel so fucking free when the oppressive weight of the outside world forms chains around me and fastens me to a pillar made of doubt and defeat. She sets me free....from the world, from my parents, from the expectations of others, from myself.
Have you ever loved someone so much? Have you ever felt so loved? It burns, it does. And you feel lucky to bathe in those flames, smiling as your skin melts away and who you were before is turned to ash. Have you ever risen from the ashes of love's fire? Changed into something stronger? The scars of the past melt away with your used-up flesh and, while still remembered are merely bleak mockeries in the eyes of this passion. I wonder if any of you have ever felt this truth? Have you ever been so in love?
I can say, with all the certainty in my soul and without even a single hesitant thought, that YES....yes I've bathed in her fire. I never looked back since that very first day, that first and only combustion. And with the same truth, and the same certainty, I can tell you that I never will.
Carrie is my One. She's the only truth I've ever known and the only road I ever want to travel on.
I desire, no, I NEED to make her happy. Someone so special, someone so...vivid...she deserves it all. I want her to go through life beside me, and I want her to have all that the world can give. All that I can give. If she would let me devout my life to pleasing her, to attending her every whim, to indulging her every desire, I would do that. Just to see her smile. Just to know that I was the one who put that look of joy, of true content on her beautiful face.
I just want to make her happy. It's all I ever wanted, back to the beginning.
Pain is love? Is that what I said one time? If I was right, then I'm bursting with undescribable love at the moment. I'm shattered, really. Everything I said above is selfish. Did I once,ONCE, mention what she wanted? What she NEEDED?!
Am I the One? Am I giving her what she needs? Is she happy? What makes me think that I'm the one who can make her happiest? What makes me think I'm the one who will best go though life with her, getting and giving the most? Who am I to believe I can be the one to give her all she deserves? In my supreme arrogance....have I already failed?
There are truths I know about myself, however. My loyalty is complete and absolute. My love is real...as real anything ever will be. It's real to the point of being tangible, of being something you can see and touch. My desire is furious in its intensity and unfaltering in it's age. Compassion, concern, protectiveness, empathy, enthusiasm...they're all there, surrounding us both. I'm not the best at showing them all, but that doesn't change the fact that they're there. If my One, precious Carrie gives me the chance...my chance to let things be forever, to explore the boundries of this life, and the next...and the next...and the next...until time itself ends...well, I know I would do my best, and give my all to making her dreams come true. I would give it all to make our life the best I could. And everyday I would be just as grateful to have been given such a gift as her.
I love our relationship. It's the light i need in an otherwise darkened world. The bad and good are non-existant to me when it comes to us. We're us and, to me, it's right.
In the end, though...my love, our love, the single truth of what I know about life and living...my absolute love for Carrie goes beyond myself. Without her, I would be a withered posey. Things cant live without their sunlight...or moonlight. But, love that's real goes beyond one's selfish wants...needs. My love for her is so much bigger than me. I mean to say...I love her to the point that if I cant make her the happiest, if im not making her the happiest, then...I would withdraw into my darkness, uprooted. I would watch her soar away, with tears streaming down my face, and as she disppeared I would gladly accept the dreaded, excrutiating cold of her absence. But...I would force myself to live on, watching over her, shivering in my sorrow and hungry for an end to my final, most crippling despair. I would watch her though, for as long as my love would sustain me...and my one last hope would be that with the last sight my eyes ever had, I would once again see her smile, and know she had found her happiness, the one I maybe could never give her.
I know what I want to do for her, and I know I'll do anything to be the One for her, to give her the best anyone ever could.
To one reader, to Carrie herself, I'll say this with all the love in my heart and all the truth in my soul.
Care, you know how I feel. I know how you feel. We love each other more than anything, and I think that's something both of us know above all else. But...you need to be happy. You need to be able to trust. You need to be comfortable. All of these things, you've given to me. Happiness, trust, comfort...everything I've ever wanted and needed. And...what have I given to you...? I want you to be happy, Carrie. You're the only person I've ever loved, ever really, deep-down honest and truly loved with all of my being. Because of that, I cant hurt you like I do, without even trying...without even knowing...you deserve so much more. I'll try, baby...harder than I've ever tried anything ever before, to give you the same things that you've gifted me with...things I never thought I'd have. You didn't have to try...being with you, loving you, and being so close to you...they just rubbed off. I'll love you always, Carrington. I never want to lose you, but....it's not my greatest fear. My greatest fear, my ony fear, is that you'll stay with me and not be as happy, not get all you want and deserve, that you wont get those things you've been wanting for so long...those same things you've given me. I'll love you for always.