Nihilism
Recently it was disclosed to me- not by the most intuitive source but at least one that knows me well- that I am too "smart" to be "happy." Honestly as far as my inner monologue is concerned my initial response went something like: actually, you are just too stupid to know what happiness means. However I have been thinking recurrently about the subject lately and it has become one of those situations where I have to decide not to consider it any further.
You see, I lack the capacity to consider life the way I wish I could and this situation like many others has created countless conflicting ideas in my mind that without a seriously organized external hard drive or Dumbledore's Pencieve I cannot come to a proper conclusion, a concise and forthcoming statement that is true to me and everyone else. I won't even go through any of it because it's so obviously pointless to me now. And this is how everything ends in my brain. I have to give up because the possibilities are so numerous that the appropriate one is hiding in plain sight or teasing me by not existing at all.
And I have to wonder how anyone can take a stance on any side of any argument because I see not just both sides more clearly than my inadequate vision allows me to see the physical world but I also understand how unimportant absolutely everything is. How can people know about death and not conclude that nothing matters? Is it religion? Religion is hardly credible as no two people have the same one and even people who claim to constantly squabble over it all. No one has a clue what the fuck is going on, nothing is important, pain should be avoided because it is unpleasant because our genes build us to feel that way because it will keep us alive and then of course the punctuation is always, unavoidably death.
Genes tell us to survive but there is no conclusive proof that that's what we should be doing. Happiness is nice but there's no proof that it is right or good. Death is the end of something but we don't know whether or not it is also a beginning. Depression is boring to those around us but how do we know it isn't good for us? What do I do?
He is wrong and right to say that I'm not happy. Because I am and I am not. The very idea exists and yet it doesn't. Life lies to us the way any lying person we've encountered does: it persuades us that we want to do something by being a thing that it is and also a thing that it isn't at one finite time and our poor decisions will be poor no matter what we do because we have no understanding of the duplicitous majority of our own natures, and they do. You understand? We are lying and life is lying and the most important thing to teach your children is how to be delusional, how to let a gentle hum sweep over your mind all the hours of your waking life so that reality becomes the dream and the nightmare entertains the truth.
I think I'm destroying myself by not ignoring this.
You see, I lack the capacity to consider life the way I wish I could and this situation like many others has created countless conflicting ideas in my mind that without a seriously organized external hard drive or Dumbledore's Pencieve I cannot come to a proper conclusion, a concise and forthcoming statement that is true to me and everyone else. I won't even go through any of it because it's so obviously pointless to me now. And this is how everything ends in my brain. I have to give up because the possibilities are so numerous that the appropriate one is hiding in plain sight or teasing me by not existing at all.
And I have to wonder how anyone can take a stance on any side of any argument because I see not just both sides more clearly than my inadequate vision allows me to see the physical world but I also understand how unimportant absolutely everything is. How can people know about death and not conclude that nothing matters? Is it religion? Religion is hardly credible as no two people have the same one and even people who claim to constantly squabble over it all. No one has a clue what the fuck is going on, nothing is important, pain should be avoided because it is unpleasant because our genes build us to feel that way because it will keep us alive and then of course the punctuation is always, unavoidably death.
Genes tell us to survive but there is no conclusive proof that that's what we should be doing. Happiness is nice but there's no proof that it is right or good. Death is the end of something but we don't know whether or not it is also a beginning. Depression is boring to those around us but how do we know it isn't good for us? What do I do?
He is wrong and right to say that I'm not happy. Because I am and I am not. The very idea exists and yet it doesn't. Life lies to us the way any lying person we've encountered does: it persuades us that we want to do something by being a thing that it is and also a thing that it isn't at one finite time and our poor decisions will be poor no matter what we do because we have no understanding of the duplicitous majority of our own natures, and they do. You understand? We are lying and life is lying and the most important thing to teach your children is how to be delusional, how to let a gentle hum sweep over your mind all the hours of your waking life so that reality becomes the dream and the nightmare entertains the truth.
I think I'm destroying myself by not ignoring this.